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Young Writers Society


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Fantastical Book 1: The Mirror (Chapter Two)

by RedMoon


(This has been edited.)

He stood in front of the prison cell, eyes narrowed, frowning slightly. Behind him, two guards were kneeling on the floor. Their heads were bowed and they were trembling with fear. They had been stripped of their armor, clad only in the padded clothing they wore underneath, awaiting whatever punishment the Master saw fit to give them. They considered breaking the silence to defend themselves, but they knew that anything they did would only make things worse.

He ignored them, staring angrily into the cell. It was like any other cell in his dungeon. Ten feet by ten feet, made of cut stone and pure metal, any impurities burned out of it. The stone covered the dirt floor beneath and made up the walls around it. There was a small cot in one corner, now overturned, and a small trough for food or water. The cell's prisoner was known to have a nasty bite.

The only things in the cell that did not belong were the maple tree standing in the corner and the large gaping hole in the back where the roots of the tree had smashed through. He stood well back from the sunlight that shone through the hole.

He crossed his arms and turned to the guards behind him. They kept their heads bowed and their eyes on the floor.

"Tell me," he began. "How did she get ahold of a seed?"

The guards trembled but said nothing, afraid to speak. He took a deep breath.

"Look at me."

They did. Whatever they saw in his eyes galvanized them into action.

"W-we don't know, master. Sh-she was banging on the floor, like she did everyday when sh-she was angry..."

"N-nothing seemed wrong, sire. Sh-she was a bit more temperamental than usual..."

"Yes, and we didn't know until the ground began to quake..."

"A-and old Nimrod got burned when he tried to enter..."

They trailed off, unable to continue. He tsked and dropped his gaze, turning back to the prison cell. The guards slumped with relief to the floor, thinking they had escaped the usual punishment. With a cry of frustration, he seized them both and hurled them into the sunlight. They screamed in agony as the light burned their flesh and they disappeared in a flash of ash and fire.

He smoothed his hair back and took a deep breath, resuming his calm.

"That was too good for you," he hissed. "You've no idea what you've done. Guard!"

With a clank of armor, another guard clamped down the stairs.

"Sir," the guard said, standing at attention.

"Have two more guards replace those idiots. And I want two full squadrons ready to move out. I want someone. Someone who knows the Green Forest." He paused. "Yes, the Green Forest. She'll head there. Most certainly. Oh and have them take my pets. A hunt should do them good."

The guard saluted and clamped off again to do as he was commanded.

He sniffed and stood in front of the cell for a long moment, just staring. Suddenly he thrust a hand into the sunlight, grunting in pain as his pale skin began to flake and burn. He drew it quickly back into the shadows and growled angrily.

"Someday," he whispered to himself. "Someday it will be gone."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Green Forest was neither friendly nor welcoming. The undergrowth was thick and discouraging, the trees were tall and menacing, and the animals were fierce and merciless. Together, nature worked to keep itself safe. Nothing and no one that was not a native to the Green Forest dared to enter. No one except Jagger.

Jagg knew the Forest like the back of his hand. In fact, he had been living in it for many years. He preferred the peace and solitude the Forest offered, only venturing outside to the neighboring towns and villages to gather the supplies that he could not get inside. To those who knew him, he was considered a bit of a hermit, and more than a bit cracked to want to live in the Green Forest; but also terribly skilled to have survived so long there. He was known every now and then to make a few coins by leading a desperate party through the twists and turns, and was a bit famous in the nearby towns. Jagg didn't really like the idea of his name being known, but did like the fact that most people gave him a wide berth. As long as they left him alone, Jagg would do nothing to quell his small fame.

The day was cool and clear. The sunlight shone brightly despite the roof of leaves, and the branches waved slightly in the westerly breeze. Jagger slid expertly between the trees, sticking to the shadows wherever he could. His clothes were the colors of the forest, green and brown, and a little travel stained, providing good camouflage. He stepped lightly and quietly, trying to avoid making a sound.

The wildboar he was following was making good time through the forest, but even though he was fast, he was sloppy. Jagg wasn't in any hurry, and he was going carefully. Boars were deadly creatures, especially when agitated as this one clearly was. They were extremely hard to deal with, and since Jagg only had his bow and knife, he wasn't going to rush into this.

He stopped and knelt down to inspect a set of tracks that looked different. These were freshly made, barely two hours old. Jagg smiled. He was closing in.

A black shadow fell from the tree to his right. Jagg whipped his knife out of its sheath and held it ready. A panther stood at the base of the tree, tail lashing back and forth. She stared somewhat quizically at Jagg and opened her mouth, revealing white, razor sharp teeth.

"What are you going to do, stick me with your toothpick?" the panther asked, giving a mroww of cat laughter.

Jagg growled and shoved the knife back into its sheath. "Don't ever do that again, Kyri. You scared me half to death."

The panther laughed again. "You don't look half dead."

"If all you came to do was scare me," Jagg said angrily, "then you succeded. Well done. Now go away, I'm busy."

Kyri frowned, looking hurt. "Fine, then. If that's the way you treat me, I'm not going to tell you what I saw about two miles up."

Jagger was immediately alert. "What? What was it?"

"I don't hear an apology," Kyri said, cocking her head to one side.

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry. Now what did you see?" Jagg said impatiently.

"I suppose that will have to do," Kyri sighed. "There's a party of Scrios, maybe thirty or forty, on the eastern border trying to fight their way in. The Flora is holding back as best they can, but the Scrios have sharp weapons. They are asking for your help."

Jagg nodded. "I'll be there as fast as I can. I didn't realize I was so close to the east edge."

"Well, now you do. I suggest you hurry. The flora are ready to kill, if needs be," Kyri said grimly. "They might not wait for very long."

Without waiting for an answer, Kyri shot off eastward, melting into the forest. Jagg followed her, though at a slower pace than probably what he ought to have been travelling. He wasn't prepared to fight a party of Scrios. They were usually hulking big, very strong and very ugly. They wore extremely thick armor made of pure metal that covered their entire body since sunlight was deadly to them. Though they weilded a variation of weapons, none of them were any good. Their strength was in their numbers. They were servants of the Master, the dark lord of Scree, the Scrios' homeland. Lately, they had been seen more and more outside of their dark country. The border villages in Dain (those with which Jagger was most familiar) had little to no protection against the brutes, and lived in fear of raids, which occurred on and off with no warnings. Jagg was sure that war was brewing. He'd heard the call of the warbirds and seen the banners of Scree and Dain in the newly construsted forts.

Though Jagg didn't care much if the two countries killed each other, he did mind the attacks made to his home. Every so often, the Scrios would launch a campaign on the Green Forest, the only place that no one had any power over, but they always failed. Still the Master persisted, and though Jagg didn't know what his obsession with the Forest, he did know that whatever the Master got his hands on it was eventually corrupted. He wasn't willing to let that happen to the Green Forest.

But this raid was different. This was something else. The Scrios never attacked unless they had at least five hundred of their warriors. That there were less than fifty made Jagg wonder what they were up to. Were they searching for something? Maybe. But what? What could be so important that they would brave the Green Forest to find it?

Jagg picked up his pace. He didn't know, but he was going to find out.


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Mon Dec 30, 2013 3:14 am
Shady wrote a review...



'ello Moon, darling.

I know you didn't request a review on this, but, I'm quite enjoying your story so far. So, I am reading this because I want to know what happens with your story-- and I'm leaving this review because I can, haha. c:

So, I just want to say how much I adore the way you lead into scenes. I know that, personally, introductions are the worst part of a story to me. I'm terrible at writing them, and I tend not to enjoy reading them either-- but you do a great job with them. It doesn't feel like you're warming up-- it feels like you're already warmed up and ready to go, and jump straight into good, high-quality writing, and interesting story lines. Very nice. I appreciate that aspect of your writing.

"Kyri". <3333 So many hearts. That's an awesome name.

Okay, so, now that I've finished everything through chapter two, I am thoroughly hooked in this story. I'm still a bit confused as to the plot-- but you've got enough character development/world building/ action, that I'm eager to read on. I want to know what happens to, well, all of your characters. They're all very unique, and very distinctive. I like each of their voices. Strong characters.

I'm not really much of one to gush, so that's about all I've got to say about your pieces so far. I just enjoyed them a lot, though, I would like to see a bit more relation between them. The mirror tied the prologue and first chapter together enough to satisfy me-- but I have no idea how this chapter is related to the first bits. I mean, this is wonderful. I think I enjoyed this chapter the most (but, then, I just love characters like the one who killed his guards in the first bit of this chapter), but all of them are quite good.

Please do keep my updated when you post new bits of this story. My reviews might be absurdly slow in the coming (as you're all too aware of), but I am interested to see where you take this.

If you have any questions, or need any more help with anything else, don't hesitate to ask!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:27 pm
WaitingForLife wrote a review...



Howdy ho and all that jazz! Firstly, I'm sorry for taking this long to harken to this here chapter of yours. I assure you it isn't because I was uninterested; I've just been on something of a hiatus for a span.

Arrighty-right, I've my cup of instant noodles ready, so on to the - admittedly very late - review.

So, this novel (I'm assuming it's going to be novel-length) has a much larger scope than I had initially imagined. Instead of three main-ish characters, we now have two more to account for, as well as being introduced to one of the evil forces. It's a hard thing you're writing - one I'd never try myself 'cause I suck at things this large-scale - and I commend you for it.

To kick the itty-gritty into gear, I'll take a look at your new major characters. The evil dark lord is, well, too evil-dark-lord in my opinion. The cold, collected facade that bursts every now and then with an outburst of violence is too cliché in my books. I hate the word cliché and hate using it even more, but I can't think of another word to use here. I am being extremely hasty in my judgement though, since this is the first time he's been introduced and could very well become a very original and compelling character onwards in the story. I'm only speaking of my first impression here; it can be hard to see your own characters objectively, so I'm stating my initial opinion here in order for you to bounce ideas off of it.

Jagger I like, both the name and his character, for woodsmen have easily been my favorite characters in various fantasy romps. Plus, panthers are cool, and talking panthers are even cooler. I'm wondering, is the purpose of these characters to be slightly more 'inside the mold', so to speak, in order for them to clearly come out as the fantasy characters in this story where parallel dimensions exist? I've seen that in some novels and such, and it has worked out great, so just wondering.

As regards the story, it's a solid stepping stone to start the adventure from, albeit this beginning formula can be found in quite a many fantasy works throughout history. Just make sure to deviate from it into your own style before long. Too much of the same-old and readers will get discouraged.

That's all the general stuff I had to say (I haven't read the other reviews, so sorry if I ended up repeating something). Next up, style tweaking.

but they knew that anything they did would not help them, but only make things worse for them.


This portion of the sentence sounds off. Most probably this is caused by the repetition that I highlighted. You don't need the second one. Also, consider just erasing the first part and going with "but knew that it could only make things worse." or something similar. Just reads quicker.

and the large gaping hole in the back where the limbs of the tree had smashed through.


They kept their heads bowed and their eyes on the floor.


The second 'their', while sounding kinda silly, is needed here. Otherwise the whole second part of the sentence sounds off.

Whatever they saw in his eyes galvanized them into action.


Just for flavor, I'd add some adjective (or adverb, whichever it really is) before 'action' here. Something like "galvanized them into sputtering action.". Just a little something to spice things up, and add to the level of ridicule these two are emitting.

They screamed in agony as the light burned their flesh and they disappeared in a flash of ash and fire.


Spelling mistake. Also, maybe add some description of their clothing before this instance. This is the part where you introduce us to their weakness, and having it as detailed as possible is a good thing. Seeing as you further on mention that they require very large armor to block out the sunlight when venturing outdoors, I believe subtly describing their current attire would help strengthen this notion. Just an idea to think upon, not a demand.

He sniffed and stood a while in front of the cell for a long moment, just staring. Suddenly he thrust a hand into the sunlight,


You've two conflicting phrases in the first sentence, 'a while' and 'long moment'. Even though 'a while' can be used for a longer period of time as well, 'a long moment' makes it redundant.
Secondly, I don't like 'suddenly' in the second sentence. It feels cheap, and doesn't convey the right attitude to the action. Think of a more expressive way of saying this.

Jagg wasn't in any hurry, but he was going to be careful.


The two sides of the sentence have no conflict with one another, so 'but' is the wrong conjunction. Just use 'and' or 'so' or something.

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry. Now what did you see?" Jagg said impatiently.


I'd rearrange this to: "Okay, fine. I'm sorry," Jagg said impatiently. "Now, what did you see?"
or
Take out the 'Now' and keep it the way it originally was. e.g. '...I'm sorry. What did you see?"'

They wore extremely thick armor made of pure metal that covered their entire body since the sunlight was deadly to them


This feels very run-on. Try injecting a comma some place to break up the flow a little. Oh, and you don't need 'the' before 'sunlight'.

Every so often, the Scrios would try a campaign on the Green Forest


I'm not completely sure what the correct phrase is, but 'try a campaign' is definitely not it. Possibly 'launch a campaign'.

-----------

Still liking it, all in all. Once I notice a new chapter's out, I'll do my damnest to come review it faster than I did this one.

Keep at it. ^^

Yours truly,
|Life|




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Wed Oct 16, 2013 6:55 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger Knight here to review faithfully for KotGR.

but they knew that nothing would help, only make things worse for them.

I just feel like this line is wrong. I think you should put a 'but' right after the comma, before "only".

He smoothed his hair back and took a deep breath, resuming his calm

You are missing a period at the end of the sentence.

want someone, someone who knows the Green Forest.

The comma in between these words should be a period.

The guard saluted and clamped off again to do as he was bid.

Bid? I think maybe ordered or commanded would better fit. After all, this guy doesn't seem to be super happy or nice.

The day was cool and clear. The sunlight shone brightly despite the roof of leaves, and the branches waved slightly in the westerly breeze.

Jut like that we know the weather. I really like that line.

His clothes were the colors of the forest, green and brown.,

You have a comma and period here; delete the period.

Overall
Ooh, this was good. This has really got me wondering lots now. And the talking panther . . . talk about an unseen curve-ball. I really enjoyed this chapter, and although it seems disconnected with your prologue, and chapter 1, I am still waiting to see when it all comes together. Can't wait to see what happens next. Hope this reviewed help. BTW, how do you pronounce Scrio, and Scree. and, Kyri seems like a female to me. Maybe it's the way you presented him, but I would work on it.
Keep it up!




RedMoon says...


Actually, Scree is pronounced exactly the way it is spelled and Scrio is "Scree-oh". And Kyri actually started off as a female. I'm thinking of changing it back.
I was actually going for kind of a several-years-later change thing. It's been about 16 years since the people went through the mirror portal. Hmmm. I should probably mention that somewhere...



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Wed Oct 16, 2013 4:15 pm
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D4RKR4VEN wrote a review...



I've read through the entire thing. This is not the best and most original of the fantasies I have read (or watched or heard), but then again this is me being strict. Chucking out the competition in established classics, this is pretty good - there's no point competing with Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, and all those other fantasies, since they're classics for a reason. Anyway, I am The Raven and I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided into What is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Related points will be marked with the same signs. Now, let's get down to business.

What is Good:
1) Your introduction section is very well done. You don't rush straight to introducing the characters, which is a mistake that a lot of writers make, but instead you were setting the scene, letting everything else other than the main characters defining said characters. It allows me to imagine for a time what our dear main character's supposed to be like. I could imagine that she could be a cunning and smart little druid or something like that.

2) *Jagg is interesting as a character. Having at least this guy in the first chapter would attract plenty of readers. He's not the stereotypical classical heroic Greek hero stereotype, but is instead someone relatable, with flaws implied but with strengths showcased as well. Speaking of characters, I did not anticipate Kyri, and she makes a good addition to the cast, someone to bang around genre expectations for a bit. Do note though that the magnitude of this achievement is less than excellent. More will be covered below.

3) @You have a good command of the language, enough that I could only spot one major inconsistency, as stated below. However, your command of the language is less than excellent. I will elaborate more below.

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:

1) This...

but they knew that nothing would help, only make things worse for them.


The way you phrased this is wrong, particularly the second phrase towards the back. Condensing it, it actually means that they knew that nothing would make things worse for them. Try something like "but they knew that whatever they do would not help them, but only make things worse for them".

2) *The downside to Jagg and Kyri is that they are still vaguely stereotypes. Jagg reminds me of the ranger type of character, and talking animals aren't exactly new. The good news is, Jagg does not reek of the Gary Stu stench that I feel is prevalent amongst earlier texts, and I don't remember any talking Jaguars that are so friendly, kind and forgiving. However, you should attempt to define them more as unique individuals as you continue writing this novel.

3) *Related to characters... I feel that the antagonists of the novel are far too stereotypical. We have a master who considers his men disposable - a trope found everywhere these days that the public would roll their eyes at. We have the slow, low-quality minions who rely on strength in numbers, who are big and brutish but not famed for their intelligence... That would be too much for any audience above young adolescents to bear. Make your antagonists relatable as well! Remember, in any war, each side would consider the other the villains, and each side would have their own justifications for the war, or at least understandable excuses. There are only so many Hitlers in the world that pure evil is still a laughable concept.

4) @You make very little mistakes where the language is concerned (I spotted only one prominent error, and it is no simple error either). However, your grasp of the language is neither terribly great either. For the time being, I cannot see a certain style or flare, or if you want a buzzword, Duende, in your chapter. Your current type of fantasy diction, choice of vocabulary, sentence structure and whatnot does not do well to separate your work from others. There are no markers of identity that I could rally under should I want to identify you.

5) @That said, my recommendation is to begin experimenting with your style. You could begin by imitating other fantasy writers first before cherry-picking certain traits and aspects of their style and then adding in your own spices. For example, do you want to sound mystical? Or philosophical? Eastern and medieval western? Modern-Shakespearean or psychological? Technical or natural? Do you want the classical look and feel, or the romance type? Or do you prefer a more mythical tone?

6) @Another field that could improve your style is your use of terms, and names, and titles. They are too generic. Green Forest should be named something else. Guards should be called something else. The flora should be named, everything should have one new or at least fresh term attached to it. That's what you'd expect in a different country, yes? So what more for an entirely different world separate from our own? Most importantly, do not just come up with random syllables stringed together. They must actually mean something. It's okay to borrow from other languages, or use the English language - just do so originally. The words you use must have weight - their own history, their own origins, their own culture, connotations rather than just denotations. Scree and Scrios are pretty good, but eventually you'll need to gloss through what they mean, otherwise they'd just be arbitrarily assigned babble. The good news is that language is arbitrary, so feel free to mess around a little.

Anyway, that's all I got for you. I'm afraid I can't think of anything else to say. I hope my review helps!




D4RKR4VEN says...


I'm afraid I've committed a great error. I thought this was chapter one of the novel. Turns out to be chapter two. Which means there might be one or two points being affected. Sorry!



RedMoon says...


Thanks for the review. I know that my piece needs a lot of work, especially this one. Rest assured that I will get a little into the minions' lives and personalities later on in the story. This was just kind of an introduction into the characters of the other world.
Feel free to read the Prologue and the First Chapter if you want.




The Twelve Makeovers of Haircules is the stuff of legend. He defeated the Erymanthian Beard. One could say it was a hair raising adventure.
— KateHardy