z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Lesser Being Prologue

by Niraco


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

The fall of man came without much notice. Their numbers went down gradually until only few remained. The world came to a crumble at first. Time seemed to go backwards towards the age of the cavemen. Luckily the world had Amazons.

Women took over all roles allocated by men. At first this seemed like a blessing now that women took over. It meant that men no longer had to fear, all they had to focus on was boosting their numbers. The world looked like it would eventually heal. However, the number in men didn't rise.

Decades past and the world seemed to get on. Amazons - the new name from the female species - was dominant towards everything, much like how men were before hand. However, they began to see men as being lower species. They renamed them 'Lesser's'.

Soon, men were hunted like meat, forced to fight Amazon's in arenas, places of entertainment. Plays were held, music was played and blood was spilled. The battles held in the arena had simple rules. One, the only way a Lesser could win was by killing the Amazon which he had to battle against. Two, Amazon's - if they won - had two choices: kill the Lesser or keep it as a 'Pet'. Most Amazon's choose to keep Lesser's as Pets to show of their strength. If an Amazon had more Pets they were assumed to be wealthy or showing that they came from a rich tribe. Also, if a tribe had many Pets then the bigger that tribe would become.

The year was 3411 A.D.

The world is now split into various fractions looking like various times in history. The places once known as the world powers have no crumbled into large tribes similar looking to the Nomadic time period. There are some parts of the world with technological advancement but they are secured in remote cities which almost no one has full access to.

The warm season had started. A sign of fertility. A smaller tribe lead by Chief Hundi would be expecting a newborn soon. One of the younger Amazon's had recently took a Lesser as her pet and had decided she wished to help the growth of her tribe. Hundi was beaming with pride for the Amazon.

"The more the merrier!" she'd call, wrapping her arms around the pregnant Amazon.

The youth Amazon's were giddy with excitement as her belly grew in size. They would join hands and skip around the Amazon, singing and praying that the sex would be female.

That thought had never crossed the young Amazon's mind. What if her child was a Lesser? What would happen? She shook away such questions and was sure that the child would be a fellow Amazon. After all, Chief Hundi had given birth to all females, it should then run within her.

Her wishful thinking did not do much. The birth of the child came.

After five hours of screaming the Amazon gave birth.

It was during the night, when all the youths were told to be asleep. One youth, however, decided she wanted to see how a child was born. Seeing the Amazon in so much pain scarred her from ever wishing to bare a child herself. What happened next, however, shook the young Amazon to her very core.

The child was a Lesser. The Amazon who gave birth to the child screamed to be given her baby as he wailed. One of the Amazons who had help deliver the baby held it up by its ankle.

"What do I do?" she asked the Chief.

The Chief looked stunned, her mouth agape and eyes disbelieving. An Old One - the leaders of all Amazon's - was there to over see the birth. She whispered to the Chief. Gulping, the Chief nodded as the Old One left the hut.

The youth quickly hid as the Old One exited. Once she presumed it to be safe the youth quickly took to the small opening, not wanting to miss anything.

The Amazon who'd gave birth to the Lesser still screamed for her child. She begged for them just to let her hold him. They did not let her. She screamed again asking them to at least let her touch him. They did not allow that either.

The baby was placed on a table while the frantic Amazon was pinned down.

"No! No! No! Please! I beg of you!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Please no!"

Another Amazon blocked the view of the baby for the youth to see what was happening. At the time, the youth did not understand why the other Amazon held up something shiny and why the baby's cry suddenly stopped.

"No!" screamed the birth mother. "Why!? I begged you! Why!? Why?!"

The mother Amazon fell to her knees. The other Amazon stood in front of the birth mother. The shiny thing still in her hand - only it had become a different crimson colour.

Before the youth was able to see what happened next an older Amazon yelled for her.

"Anastasia!"

The Amazon grabbed her arm and yanked her back. "You know you're not supposed to be here."

"But-"

"No, come on, time for bed."

The youth looked back at the hut and noticed that the screaming had stopped all together. She didn't understand why. At the time she was too young to have any understanding of how the world she lived in worked.


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31 Reviews


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Wed Dec 11, 2013 5:17 pm
Shindig wrote a review...



Just happened upon this, and I enjoyed it, so I thought I'd leave an overall critique.

- First off, I don't think the idea is 'silly'. I know that the whole point of this is to write about a world where women are the new alpha-males, so to speak; you had to come up with a scenario that allowed that to happen. So, I think you did a pretty good job with bringing this world into existence. My only problem is the logic of it - how does a female-dominated world come to be if males are required for reproduction? And what happened that there were fewer male births?

Maybe I missed it (and I haven't read the other chapters), but I think you should be more clear about these details to make the history more believable. E.g. maybe there was a virus that changed the male:female birth ratio. Then, maybe aggressive female groups began banding together, seeing themselves as superior, eventually taking over. And later, maybe some males were enslaved, with one slave-role being specifically to help with the reproduction of the species.

I'm a fan of the "world-with-two-conflicting-peoples" idea. In fact, I'm working on something similar myself. That's why I'm throwing ideas at you here - I think your story is very creative and I just want to help improve it. You don't have to use any of it, of course. I guess I just got a little bit excited about this.

- I agree with your other review that the prologue should end before the "3411 B.C." line. It should really just present the history to help give us some understand of your world as we read the first chapters. Related to that, you could probably expand this by describing the city (?) the characters are living in with more detail to slow things down a bit. Maybe it's just me but I thought you went from 'pregnant' to 'giving birth' too quickly, for instance (so quickly that her giving birth to a Lesser was predictable).


Other than that, this was well edited (didn't really see any errors that distracted me), thought the birth scene itself was terrifying/memorable (really set the tone), and I feel like there's so much potential for this.

Good luck writing!




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Wed Oct 09, 2013 6:07 pm
RedMoon wrote a review...



Hey, this is really interesting. I liked your style of writing and your ideas. Once I had an idea to come up with a story like this one, but I really didn't got through with it because when I tried to write it out, it didn't come out as it was supposed to. I'm glad you succeded where I didn't.

So on to the review. You had a few mistakes. I'll start at the beginning and then go down:

"Their numbers went down gradually. Until only few remained."
Take out the period and make the "u" a lower case.

"Luckily the world had Amazon's."
Um, take out the appostrophe. That way, it covers every single Amazon.

"Women took over all roles allocated by men. At first this seemed like a blessing and the world looked like it would eventually heal. However, the number in men didn't rise."
This makes very little sense. I get that women took over, but how did that seem like a blessing? You may want to rewrite this part to describe how it seemed a blessing.

"Amazon's - the new name from..."
Again, the apostrophe.

"Soon, men were hunted like meat, forced to fight Amazon's in arenas. Places of entertainment, plays were held, music was played and blood was spilled."
Put a comma between "arenas" and "places" and change the comma between "entertainment" and "plays" to a period.

"That thought had never crossed the young Amazon's mind."
A couple things here. Try changing "That" to "One". You never mentioned a thought before so "One" would make more sense. Also the apostrophe.

"The tribe had a small hut designed for healing and birth giving."
This sentence kind of disrupts the flow of the piece. You might want to think about taking it out. Or maybe putting it somewhere else:
"It was during the night, when all the youths were told to be asleep. One youth, however, decided she wanted to see how a child was born. Seeing the Amazon in so much pain scarred her from ever wishing to bare a child herself. What happened next, however, shook the young Amazon to her very core."
Maybe somewhere in this paragraph?

"One of the Amazon's who had help deliver..."
Apostrophe.

"Once she presumed it to be safe to look back through the small gap in the door the youth did so."
Maybe say instead something like:
"Once she presumed it to be safe, she looked back through the small gap in the door."
Or something like that. That was a horrible sentence. Mine not yours.

"She didn't understand why at the time she was too young to have any understanding of how the world she lived in worked."
Between "why" and "at" put a period. This is a runon setence as it is.

That's all that I caught. This story is really good. I especially liked the birth (and death) of the Lesser child. It sacred me. I had a vague notion that it might happen, but I really didn't actually think it would. And when you said that the screaming stopped all together, did they kill the Amazon who gave birth to the child? Or did they just make her stop?

Again, I really like your style of writing. Keep up the good work. And PM me when you get the nest part of your story up.

-RedMoon :D




Niraco says...


Thank you so much for your review. I went back and took on your suggestions. Like I said to TheMessagener I never seem to put apostrophes in the right places so thank you for pointing them out. I'm glad you liked the idea. If you don't mind me asking what ideas did you have for your own story that you mentioned. People tend to like the Lesser birth scene as I've noticed :L
I was suggesting that the Amazon was killed.
Again thank you so very much for your review it really did help and put a massive smile on my face to see that you liked it. I should hopefully be having another chapter up in a little while (mainly because I use another site for writing and quiet a few chapters of this are already up on that site). Again thank you and sorry for my ramblings :L



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Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:09 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



The Knight Messenger here to review for Knights of the Green Room.

So, I believe that the first part of this chapter, the part before the date, should be a prologue. When you writ "Tell" it doesn't go in anything but a prologue. I assume you know what tell vs show is, but if you don;t @dragonfphoenix has a great chapter about it in his portfolio. now, onto the rest of the review.

young Amazons mind. What if her child was a Lesser?

This is the first time I noticed that you had no apostrophe's when you wrote amazon. Th way you have it here means all the young Amazons thought about it for the first time.

understand why at the time, but she grew up and figured out the truth.

I think you should perhaps change this to "She grew up and vowed to learn the truth." It makes it seem like a sleeker sentence to me. You don't have to change it, but you can.

Overall, I thought this seemed a little silly. So almost all humans did, and the ladies took over? If the world was crumbling, would not the men be the ones to protect and take care? Not that there aren't woman who would help, but it seems a little unrealistic to me.
The birth scene was very well done, and I felt sick after it ended, and I almost knew that it would happen.
Keep it up!




Niraco says...


Thanks a lot for the review. I always forget to put apostrophe's and when I remember I always put them in wrong places so thanks a lot for pointing that out. I will go back and change the sentence you mentioned, I never really liked it but your suggestion has helped so again thank you for that.
As for it being silly, that's not really what I was going for. I've just been playing around with this idea but I do see where you're coming from.
As weird is this is going to sound I'm happy you felt sick after the birth scene as it was what I was going for so mission accomplished! Hahha. Thank you once again for the review, it really helped me.



TheMessenger says...


Glad to be of service, and I was pretty sure you intended on making the scene sick, so I was just complimenting you in a way:D



Niraco says...


Glad it came out the way I wanted it to. Thank you again. You were a great help dude! :D




Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende