Young Writers Society

This is really good and I'm serious. I love spoken word and I bet when you read this aloud it is full of emotion. It's so very sad though, yet that's when you know you have done a good job as a writer.I'm not going to correct your grammar since other reviewers have already gotten to that. I just wish to address the theme and your diction.
The last lines are the ones that impacted me the most:

this isn't wonderland - this is torture and you're all i can see,

I gotta remember we're all mad here or is it just me?

Great reference to the book. I really love it and it's a very good way to end the poem. This entire poem has a good rhythm to it and it flows well. It breaks my heart so much to read.

Hi there Cara! Well this has been sitting here a month, what a shame! Nite here to review for the Flaming Keys!

First off, Pheonix is right about the rating. We don't censor literary works, but there is a wide age range here so we do ask that they're rated appropriately. An "f-bomb" gets an automatic 18+ rating. Just change the rating and it's fine!

Now, on to the piece itself: I think it works very well as a spoken word piece. It's a bit cliche at some points, but there's enough unique stuff to keep me interested. I liked the bit about the cigarettes and quitting.

They say if you give everything, you'll get it all back,

they obviously haven't lived because love doesn't work like that.

The second line here felt clunky when I tried to read it out loud. I'm not sure how to streamline it. Perhaps "but it's obvious now that love..."?

One smaller thing: you're inconsistent about capitalizing "I". I know poetry has fewer rules and it wouldn't matter for a spoken piece, but I think when reading it's easier if it's either uppercase or lowercase.

Overall, solid piece here and it'd be interesting to see it performed. Just a couple small edits. Keep writing!

Knight Dragon, here to review!

Big flashing glaring issue: rating. This would be perfectly fine as is if you didn't have an f-bomb sitting in line 17 (if I've counted correctly). Honestly, the poem could do without it, but if you want it left in, then bump the rating up.

Now, on to the actual poem.
Were the "I"s intentionally not capitalized? There were times when they were, and times when they weren't.
On the punctuation, I understand this was a spoken piece, but for the written form proper punctuation helps bring the message out a little more.

"They say if you give everything, you'll get it all back,

they obviously haven't lived because love doesn't work like that."

If you change the comma to a period at the end of that first line, then it flows better.

"Trying to fill the hole you tore,

with booze and cigarettes,"
The comma after "tore" feels unnecessary and it flows better without one (although that one's a style choice).

"I quit because you said they'd kill me, holding the pack you found,

isn't it funny how what killed me was the other way round."

Period instead of a comma at the end of that first line too.

"If you could only see what you've done,

god, I swear i'm going f***king insane,

self inflicted wounds to try and ease the pain,"

For this section, I feel like this would flow beautifully if it were:

"If you could only see what you've done-
god, I swear I'm going insane, self inflicted wounds to try to ease the pain-"

"and now i'm lost in you,

this isn't wonderland - this is torture and you're all i can see,

I gotta remember we're all mad here or is it just me?"

Periods at the ends of the first and second lines. Also, I feel like there should be either a comma or hyphen between "here" and "or", like "here, or" or "here-or"

Hope this helps!