Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The flash backs still remains in my head, remembering what happened on my tenth birthday. When my mother took me ice skating, I couldn’t help it but watch her die right in front of me. I didn’t understand what was going on, but everybody else did at the time. They just watched her die with no help. I tried to wake her but it was no use, she wouldn’t get up. I lifted up my mother’s arm and wrapped it around me, I waited for someone to come and help her.

Six years later, I have been living in an orphanage. I’m about to turn seven-teen on September the 8th and that’s this weekend. That means today, I have to go in the main office and its bugging me why? They said to me “Set here and wait for them to call you in.” Five minutes later, they called me. I didn’t want to go in but I had to, or they would’ve made me. Walking was the hard part because I didn’t know what was going to happen. The man in the middle said “Take a seat Sophia.” There were six other people inside the room, two women and the rest men. They were all in gray suits, everything about them were gray, and boring. I couldn’t help it but, stare at a man’s mole on his face.

I guess it was talking to me, saying “Help! Help me” I giggled in my mind.

“Today you come here because; it’s time for you to leave the orphanage. Were sorry but there’s no more room for the rest of children to sleep. Since your turning seventeen, you’ll have to leave. So, I’m hopping you have your things together. Good byes Sofia, security get her out here, gentleman.” I didn’t say a word to them. I tried to get my stuff but they wouldn’t let me. The only thing I have is I, nowhere to live just back on the streets again. I walked out the front door, where they kept wires around the whole place. I just sat on the steps, for an hour at the coffee shop. I final got up and started walking in the streets and the parks. Trying to find a place to stay, that’s when I bumped into a man, who looked kind of familiar. We made eye contact until, we were distance apart. He looked like me, he had everything; my lips, my smile, and skin tone. I never in my life have seen a man that looked just or almost like me. I swear I knew him from somewhere but where.

It was late that night, plus my legs were tried, so I sat down on the park beach. My eyes got tried, next thing you know somebody calls my name “Sofia, Sofia!” they yelled. I strained my eyes to see who it was but I doused out onto the beach.

Heya, EnigmaticSpirit here to review your piece. Sorry if I make any spelling or grammatical mistakes, I'm deaf.

Whoa, whoa, you need to slow down! This chapter moves so fast that it's a lot to comprehend in a short space of time. You need to flesh it out more and you are missing some important elements. One of the significant elements you are missing is description. Because your piece lacks description, I'm finding it extremely difficult to build an image in my mind of the events as they happen, such as in the flashback of the protagonist's mother's dying scene and the main office. You need to show this to us, not tell which you have done. How did the protagonist's mother die? Why did she die? What were the bystanders' reactions? Where were they ice-skating? Also, the office scene. What did the office look like? Was it big? Was it small? Was it crowded? As well as this, you do not describe the characteristics of the people. What clothes are they wearing? What do they look like? You describe one of the men as having a mole, but that's it.

Two more elements that your piece lacks are emotion and characterisation. Since your piece did not have emotion and characterisation, I could not connect with the protagonist. You need to describe Sofia's emotions as the chapter progresses. How did she feel as she watched her mother die? I cannot tell if Sofia was in shock or simply very confused by the events that were happening around her. Also, what are her feelings when she is in the office? Is she apprehensive? Is she agitated when she is told that she has to leave? You also never give the readers an insight into Sofia's thoughts. When Sofia and this mysterious man bump into each other in the streets, Sofia realises that this man shares a lot of characteristics with her. Please, describe them to us. You have written that they have the same skin tone etc. What skin tone does this man and Sofia both have? What kind of smile do they share? At the moment, we're left in the dark wondering what this man looks like.

Finally, you need to work on your dialogue. Your dialogue is not very realistic and convincing enough. The person who tells Sofia that she has to leave the orphanage reveals this to her very quickly . Perhaps you could watch real life TV programs or observe people from a distance to get a better idea of realistic dialogue and how one person would speak to another.

Now for the nitpicks:

The flash backs still remains in my head

I'm about to turn seven-teen

They said to me Set here and wait for them to call you in."

The man in the middle said#FF0000 ">, "Take a seat Sophia."

I guess it was talking to me, saying "Help! Help me#FF0000 ">!"

Were sorry but there's no more room for the rest of children to sleep.

Since your turning seventeen, you'll have to leave.

Good byes#FF0000 ">, Sofia,

I swear I knew him from somewhere but where#FF0000 ">?

Hey Brielle! Pompadour here to review!

So, as far as I can see, this could use a bit of work. The character's voice is very bland and emotionless. The first paragraph just doesn't... I don't know.. reel you in! You just jump headfirst into the bare facts. Where's the detail? The emotion? I understand that your character (Sofia) was ten when the whole incident happened, but she would still have been confused. And a ten year old isn't that dumb. Didn't she cry for help? How exactly did her mother die? Did she have a heart-attack? Did she fall through the thin ice? Why didn't anybody help her? People aren't that hardhearted. It would be more believable if there was nobody there to call for help. How about I move from para to para and explain? I'm not trying to be harsh or anything, and I think this idea could evolve into something good with a little work. So how 'bout it?

The first para:

"The flash backs still remains in my head, remembering what happened on my tenth birthday. When my mother took me ice skating, I couldn’t help it but watch her die right in front of me. I didn’t understand what was going on, but everybody else did at the time. They just watched her die with no help. I tried to wake her but it was no use, she wouldn’t get up. I lifted up my mother’s arm and wrapped it around me, I waited for someone to come and help her."

First off, "flash backs" is one word. Also shouldn't it be "flashback" instead of "flashbacks"? It's one memory, right? Then when you say "I couldn't help but watch her die right in front of me." You say that like you had a choice, when you know you didn't. It's as if you'd rather have looked away than have seen the scene unfold before your eyes. So this part is kinda unclear. As I said before, I don't understand how her mom died. I mean, she was fine when she took her ice skating? What happened? Details, please!

Then:

"Six years later, I have been living in an orphanage. I’m about to turn seven-teen on September the 8th and that’s this weekend. That means today, I have to go in the main office and its bugging me why? They said to me “Set here and wait for them to call you in.” Five minutes later, they called me. I didn’t want to go in but I had to, or they would’ve made me. Walking was the hard part because I didn’t know what was going to happen. The man in the middle said “Take a seat Sophia.” There were six other people inside the room, two women and the rest men. They were all in gray suits, everything about them were gray, and boring. I couldn’t help it but, stare at a man’s mole on his face."

You're very abrupt. Your sentences don't link with one another. You're like a person without feelings. Everything happens in VERY quick succession. It's hard to keep tack with the facts. Go slow, take it easy with your writing. What's the rush? Also there's no dash between seven and teen in seventeen. Nitpick there. You've used commas where they're not needed. I'm sure if you re-read it, you'll spot the mistakes for yourself.

You haven't described Sofia, and I suppose that doesn't really matter, but descriptions are nice, yes?

Overall, I felt that you rushed through this piece. You could develop a stronger plot-line. Sofia doesn't seem seventeen by her actions. She doesn't speak a word through the entire narration, and she doesn't express her emotions either.

Last off, where's her dad? Did he leave her mom or something? She never told us anything about her family.

I really hoped this helped, and that I'll someday re-read this as something quite brilliant! Keep writing, and don't let the criticism get you down!

Digital cookies,

~Pompadour