z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

They'll Never Know Any Hope

by lauramydear


A man walks out of the woods covered in dirt and mud. He drags a shovel behind him and walks slowly to his car. He pops the trunk and throws the shovel in slamming the door. He turns and looks towards the woods one more time, tips his hat as lightning shoots through the sky. He climbs into his car and drives away in the pouring rain.

He drives up the long winding driveway to his house at the top of the hill. He parks his car in the carport and grabs a bag from the front seat and then his shovel from the trunk. He leans the shovel against the wall and carries the bag inside.

Opening the bag he pulls out his dirty knife. He walks to the kitchen sink and turns the faucet on, turning the water the hottest temperature. Clogging the drain, he fills the sink with water and soap. Dropping the knife into suds he goes to his room. He takes his clothes off and takes a shower.

Once done, he picks his clothes off of the floor and goes to the washer throwing them in. He walks to the family room and puts logs into the fireplace. He lights them and warms his hands.

He goes back to the kitchen and pulls a rag from underneath. He picks up the knife, all sudsy and wet. He adds more soap to the rag before drenching it in the water. He cleans the knife well before placing it to the side. He sharpens the knife for it had dulled.

He drains the sink and throws the rag into the washer along with his clothes and starts the long cycle. He walks back to his family room and sits in his recliner, flipping on the T.V. The news is on, with the fat reporter that this man cannot stand.

No word on the missing girl. It’s been 48 hours and counting. Local detectives are just hoping to find her before tomorrow. Here’s a detective now!

Sir, any new news on the missing girl?”

No, as of now, we are just praying to find the body so the family can grieve and move on. No more questions.”

The man turns off the T.V. and laughs to himself.

They’ll never know.”

________________________

Down at the police station two cops, who were partners, were sitting in the office reviewing the missing persons file.

“What are you thinking Carl?” the thin, younger cop asks his friend.

Flipping the page of the file Carl replies, “I’m not sure Dave, normally after 24 hours they’re dead. We’ll be lucky to find a body at this point.”

Nodding the young cop frowns and looks out the window into the rain and darkness. Losing all hope that they’ll ever find this girl alive.

________________________

“That’s a rap,” the anchor man says turning his mic off. “I don’t know why we always get stuck with these kinds of stories Pete, makes me just want to go home and hug my children.”

“I know sir. I’ve read about this, and I like to watch those crime shows. The victim is normally killed in the first 24 hours.”

Shaking his head, the reporter climbs into the passenger side, slamming his door. He looks out towards the woods in the distance, and takes in a deep breath. Poor family, he thinks and then drives into the dark, cold night.

_________________________

Mrs. Adams cries into her hands as her husband hugs her. They sit in their family room with the detective assigned to their daughter’s case.

How could this be happening?” Mrs. Adams says. “She was so young...”

I know ma’am. We are doing everything in our power.” the detective replies quickly.

Is she still alive?” Mr. Adams asks.

We don’t know sir...I’m sorry.”

The detective gets up from his seat and walks to the window looking out. He watches as the rain pours down, washing all the evidence with it.


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Fri Oct 04, 2013 9:46 pm
Renard wrote a review...



Ok... so this piece is a little unusual, in the sense, that your writing is composed of a very unconventional style. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it makes slightly strange for the reader.
For example: 'The detective', 'the reporter', 'A man'. Everything is so non-descript, there isn't really any one character for the reader to connect with in the sense of a protagonist.
I like what you're trying to do here... and the present tense usage was a good idea. I think this just needs tweaking.
Good job. ;)




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Fri Oct 04, 2013 8:24 am
avidav wrote a review...



avidav to review

I really do like Existentialism much like Orwell's 1984 negative utopia their's something enjoyable about reading where there is nothing to enjoy. for a short story its a fairly good topic to stick to for no hope. I liked that you started out from the killers perspective, but like someone else said earlier all the sentences starting with "he" throw me off. Usually repetition of a word or phrase is to emphasize a point, but I couldn't find it making this sound more like a guide book on how to get away with murder.
If the idea is to make a story sound hopeless I would like to suggest adding some more emotion to the characters for the over all feeling of no hope to help sink in. For instance the major portion of the story is from the killers perspective, but the reader doesn't get any real idea about who this guy is. Maybe the idea you should be trying to create is not how to make the the story feel hopeless but the reader in general.

hope Im not sounding to judgmental just want to help If I can.
it really was a pleasant read. glad to have something different than the basic structure of a short story so thank you (= and have a beautiful night.




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Fri Oct 04, 2013 4:23 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

First off, let me say that the moment I saw "Existentialism", I was uber-excited to come review. That's one of my favorite philosophies to study. So let's take a great leap into the review process, shall we?

Technical:

"He pops the trunk and throws the shovel in slamming the door."

For style reasons, I would put a comma between "in" and "slamming".

Also, you need a little more variety in that opening paragraph. The only sentence that doesn't start with "He" is the opening sentence.
The exact same issue is present in the second paragraph.

Content:
Hmm...I know this is a short story, but it feels almost too short to capture the Existential ideal. I wouldn't have picked up that that was your intended message if you hadn't told me. I would have just been like "Oh, she's setting up for a mystery story." So perhaps consider extending it a little bit? And those snippet scenes were way too short to do much good. It was, "Here's a new scene...Ope, it's gone! Well, on to the next...oh, that one's gone too. Oh well." So please elaborate a little more.

Hope this helps!




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Fri Oct 04, 2013 4:14 am
GlitterGabbi wrote a review...



Hi! Gabbi here to review :D

First, you forgot to put commas in. Without commas, it sounds kinda weird. I'll give you some examples.

(Paragraph 2)
"He pops the trunk and throws the shovel in slamming the door."
Correction: He pops the trunk and throws the shovel in, slamming the door.

(Paragraph 16)
"the anchor man says turning his mic off."
Correction: the anchor man says, turning his mic off.

-------------

In Paragraph 21, you made a another punctuation mistake but within dialogue.
"We're doing everything in our power." the detective replies quickly.
Correction: We are doing everything in our power," the detective replies quickly."

-------------

I really liked how you wrote on everyone's point of view. It's really kewl! :D

Other than the mistakes you made, this story is really good!

-------------

~GlitterGabbi~ ( O.o You did that with your name too! The squiggly line thing XD)




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Thu Oct 03, 2013 11:44 pm
lauramydear says...



*READ*
Hey everyone, Laura here.
This is a story that I am doing for my English Hons class. Existentialism is supposed to show the depressing and little to no hope in a person or in themselves. I chose the element of someone living with the burden of their past. I added in the last 3 sections to show that there really isn't any hope.

Let me know what you guys think!
I can't wait to see your opinions!

~Laura~





If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb