Benamer, Mark Oliver A.
COMSKI1FINAL TERM
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WORKSHEET 5-PRE-WRITING
Step 4: Writing essay draft
Directions: Develop the outline into essay by including in-text citation.
Cluster: Disadvantages of Technology
Oxygenis a kind of gas. It is which we need in order to live. It is everywhere. Technology is like oxygen. Technology is thing which we consider a very important part of our life. Like oxygen, without technology, we can’t live properly. Enough technology is like having enough oxygen. But too much technology will make a risk for you.Forexampleusingphones canbe harmfulbecauseofthe radiation. It is good but it should be limited in our everyday life because if not, it will affect the people, environment and the people’s health.
Addictionisoneofthelargesteffectstothepeople. Allofusare nowdependentintechnology. Every work, it requires technology. Even communicating with others, and having pleasure, it requires technology. But we didn’t know that it cancause not onlydependency but also addiction. This effect is not good because if this willcontinuethe sum of this event is the two possible disadvantages of technology, the effects in our environment and in the people’s health.” Dependencyongadgets:Peoplearebecomingmechanicalastheyaregettingmoreanddependentongadgets.Nowadays,humanbeingscannotdoasimpleworkwithouttakinghelpofagadget.” Saidbyanadmin(2011).
Air, land, and water pollutions and globalwarming are the effects of technology in our environment. Factories whouse machines which are products of technologycan affect our environment. The chemicals emitted by thesemachines spreadout in our atmosphere can cause air pollution. Plastics bags, Styrofoam, and other non-biodegradable materials are also the products of technology. RemediosVinuya(2007)notexactlysaythatalltechnologycanaffectourenvironmnet. We know that all of these things can help us to make things easier but we didn’t know that they can harm our environment. Land and water pollutions and global warming is caused by these products if not properly segregate, because they can’t decay easily.
Cancer, mental disorder, brain damage, and eye diseases. These are some diseases that you can get from technology. A nuclear power plant which helps us much is very dangerous. It can cause cancer because of the radiation from the machines inside these power plants. In our home we didn’t know that some products can damage our brain. Rugby and sealants are harmful to our brain because they have the chemical which affect our brain, and the other example is what an article says “Beyond reading email and surfing the Web, we will soon be checking our vital signs on our phone. We can already continuously monitor our heart rhythm, blood glucose levels, and brain waves while we sleep” Topol(2012). Iamagreewiththisbut,itcancause diseasesbecauseoftheradiation.
Technologyhas the largestpart inour life. Maybe it can be benefit to us or risk to us. But which has the biggest effect? We know that it is the negative effect.In order to avoid these negative effects it should be limited. Conclude that the earth is made for human not for machineswho lead the people to be independent tothem.
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Canary word: Present
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey Oliver, I am Knight Teen of the Green Room Knights, here to provide you with a review.
I am going to assume that every underlined sentence is one that you want to edit or change, since that is the only thing that I can relate to all of them.
This essay really struck my interest. There are others like it on the site, but none of them really discuss the negative aspects of using (and yes, it was my intention to make it sound like a drug).
The grammar issue that you have is your lack of spaces between words, which occurs throughout the essay. Your next biggest issue are your sentence openers and structure. They are somewhat weak. Other than that, you had perfect spelling and somewhat perfect grammar.
Oxygen is is two words, and in place of *which* you should use *what*.
The second half of your thesis statement is excellent, but the first half is very week. Don't just say that it is good, give a short reason as to why.
For example, would you want to read a book that I recommended to you if all I could tell you about it was, "It's good."? I wouldn't.
You need to work on your introduction and concluding sentences for each paragraph. They are a little rough, but with some editing should come out fine.
I thought that you did very good. Of course, like everything and everyone it needs some work, but with time you'll get it the way that you want it.
Great job!
KT
Goodluck! keep writing
what a good job. keep it up.
Hey, Oliver.
What I really loved about this essay was that it got me thinking about my life outside of the information your presented. You mentioned that people are addicted to technology, and I started thinking about all different kinds of technology (not just internet or cellphones, which people usually touch on in discussions on addition), and thought about cars. And my thoughts went along this line:
Why aren't more people addicted to driving in cars? We do it all the time and depend on it for transportation. Is it because we see it as functional rather than pleasurable, and thus there's no hormonal response we later crave?
I'm just including that to show the effect that your essay can have on readers and maybe you'll be interested in pondering, too.
Now, onto the technical stuff.
You have this section:
While it's good to use a quote in your essays to increase the credibility of your argument, you have to make sure that they're relevant and woven into your own words. Here, the quote is explaining what it is possible to monitor through technology, but says nothing at all about bad effects, which is what the point of your paragraph is. It's not related, so it doesn't support you!
If you're going to write about technology affecting people's health, you probably need to reference scientific studies or stats for evidence of this claim. Essays are made for convincing people, and using logic is definitely one of the best ways to do that!
I like that you kept really solidly to the organization of the thesis, but I was confused by the conclusion. You have this line:
which stands out because you never really talk about humans being dependent on machines, just the ill affects technology can have. It's like your introducing a whole new essay in the last line of the one you just wrote, which is definitely not what a conclusion should do.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck, and keep writing! Hope to see you around again soon.