Technology on the Other Side

Very interesting essay.

One of the things I worry about with the Internet is that you have an entire generation now growing up where participating in online forums and having information about anything just a few clicks away is normal. Both are of course great things -- online forums like YWS provide places to foster a specific hobby that otherwise most people would not have an opportunity to pursue. But then there are sites like Reddit and Twitter, which have no value whatsoever other than as pure timewasters. Not a huge issue, but it does become a huge issue when you spend hours on those sites every day (as many do).

So I like how you examine that aspect of modern technology, and I think you do a fairly good job of doing so. I also like how you point out in your conclusion that it can provide us with many benefits as well. However, you do want to avoid asking questions, particularly in a conclusion -- the purpose of which is to answer questions rather than ask them.

Knight Dragon, here to review!

First off, welcome to YWS! Okay, there are seriously a ton of these tech essays. Am I missing something? We've had this mass immigration of them.

Anyway...
Technical:
"...we are aware of every status that was being posted online." There's a change in verb tense. Fix "that was being posted".

"But, there are instances that we are seeing arguments of two people on social media." Change "we are seeing" to "we see".

"They are knowledgeably unconscious that other persons are affected of their trash words." Fix this. "They are [whatever you're trying to say without saying that they're knowingly doing something accidentally] that the other person is affected by their trash words."

"...it will be very hard to be hired if you will be traced with negative profile that you weren’t able to understand the reason" changes to "it could be very hard to get hired if you can be trace to a negative profile. [And then that's where I get lost. Fix that whole bit afterwards].

"...those citizens who abuses the use of technology and who do care only for these stuffs" should be "those citizens who abuse the use of technology and who only care for (please pick a different word than "stuffs". That tells us nothing)"

"This shows that technology helped the easy access on everything, positively and negatively.", your verb "helped" should be "helps".

" They are very prone of having these vices because they are in the process of knowing who they really are and they thought that their friends, who are “techno-addicts” of the generation, will help them up." Fix "because they are in the process of knowing" to "they are in the process of discovering", "they thought" to "they think", "of the generation" to "of their generation", and "help them up" to "help them out".

"They are lacking of physical intrapersonal relationships and interactions." should be "They lack physical intrapersonal...."

"With these, they are not aware of the addiction that can occur unknowingly and is very obvious to be seen by others" should be "is very obvious to others (or outsiders, parents, teachers, or observers)."

"Adults are not exempted of this addiction." should be "Adults are not exempt from this addiction."

"Sometimes, their actions are being mistakenly understood by the young ones. We can see that technology affects the social ability of each person not only for good but also for worse." Change "their actions are being mistakenly" to just "their actions are misunderstood". Also, "for good but also for worse" should be "for good but also for bad". [And PS- That's a pretty weak statement. "Good" and "bad" don't tell us much.]

"The demand of phones and tablets are alarming for..." the verb should be "is alarming"

"Because almost everyone is capable of having" should be "Because almost everyone has" or "almost everyone owns".

"...they have a reach far from being exposed to the negativities that technology can show them once abuse." Worded awkwardly, especially "have a reach far from".

"They are also used to have further information in one idea that you know." changes to "They are also used to gather more information on (or for) one idea that you know."

"They argue for small things that if we will evaluate, is something that can be fixed thru personal talks." changes to "They argue over small things that, if we evaluated them, would be something that could be fixed through personal talks." Comment on that statement: um, using the social network IS having that personal talk. I think you want "a face to face conversation." However, there will still be some that would argue that social networking accomplishes the exact same thing.

"Phones are being used to talk behind peoples back. Threats are all-over technology’s name ever since." You need an apostrophe on "peoples" so it's "people's", and "Threats....since" should be "Threats have been all over [delete the hyphen] technology ever since [name is unnecessary]."

"All we wanted is..." should be "All we want is..."

"like that we cannot live without it?" should lose the "that".

"Let us not look only to that of people are already looking at." is better as "Let us look not only at what others are already looking at, but [and then you need another statement]."

Hope this helps!

Young Writers Society

References

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources