Young Writers Society

Hiya!

You first chapter is a good length but I did notice (sorry) a lot of mistakes. They can easily be fixed and we've all done them.
I'll list a few examples and then you can fix them. (If you want.)

-car park (,) she noticed nobody---- Okay so you left out a comma (no big deal) but I'd read through it again and try to check for more typos because sometimes you can get sidetracked because the reader is noticing mistakes more and therefore looking for them without noticing, this takes the reader away from the story slightly.

- rang her (d)ad(.) --------- Dad doesn't need a capitol because it's not technically a title and because it's not a name. You put a comma instead of a full stop and that's logical but because the sentence is so long it makes more sense to put a full stop and start a new sentence.

-"- thanks anyway (C)ya!" (S)he ---------- Cya is obviously a name so it does need a capitol letter. You've finished the dialogue with a exclamation mark so you need to start the next sentence with a capitol letter. You've done this a lot in the text and I advise you to look through out the text and correct it. Same goes with the punctuation, some places don't fit right.
When you write dialogue, if someone speaks, you need to move it to a new line to make it easier for the reader to read. If that person speaks again it's alright to carry on with out starting a new paragraph, but if someone else speaks (answering a question or something) you do need to start a new paragraph.

When doing ellipses (...) You only need to do three, not three thousand.

The last sentence doesn't make sense.

Hannah getting dazed and fuzzy vision and within a few seconds everything went back.

Now read this.

Hannah, dazed, begun to get fuzzy vision. Within a few seconds everything was black.

It's made up with two sentences so it adds to what's happening as well as it's easier to read. You also need to keep in mind about your tenses.

I know all I've pointed out a lot of mistakes and haven't actually added anything about the story idea and compared to what I've read in the past it's good. I haven't read much of this genre because it's not my scene but it's a good opening.
It's got a lot of potential and i know if you work on it you'll make it one hell of a story. Keep writing and most of all make sure you enjoy it!

-Sarc

Hey there Missy

I like the Story A lot,
Have to make sure you post the rest of it,
I wanna Know what the dad was doing to not pick up his daughter

I mean Was he drunk or something lol

Anyways would love to read the rest of it can't wait to see it
Can't wait to see what happens in the next one, :p tell us more bout the People in it what they do and everything,

But GREAT STORY!
Get up and do it!
(Kidding)
Have fun!

Dragon

Welcome to YWS! It's awesome that you posted your first story here. I'm more than happy to give you a review.

I like the plot that you that you have somewhat established here-- I'm a huge fan of these genres and plot lines like this. But because I am a fan I have already read and watched a lot of movies that follow this story line and the biggest mistake a story or movie can make is not creating relatable characters, a well-established setting, and some interesting twists and turns. Otherwise the story is bland. I want to feel the terror of Hannah's situation, I want to hope she's all right. I want emotion.

Because you jumped right into the action, the reader hasn't gotton a chance to know Hannah. This can be easily fixed-- and some authors like to throw the reader into action and develop the character as things progress-- but we need to know her thoughts and feelings. You don't have to unload a bunch of information on us during the action but you can subtly give the reader bits and pieces to Hannah's character.

Also, your dialogue seems a bit flat. Without punctuation it's a bit hard to follow. Be careful what words you choose to use in dialogue because they can seem too unrealistic. However, it's always fixable.

I am greatly looking forward to the next chapter! I'm curious as to knowing more about the taxi driver. If you need help with fixing grammar errors or have any questions, I would be more than happy to help. Tell me when you post the next chapter! (-:

-Kev

Hello, babygiggles!

I am here to give you your first review! For starters, the story started out great. You have some minor grammatical errors here and there you might want to go back and fix (I can point them out to you if you like). However, my biggest concern here is context. You really jumped into the action without much of a backdrop. Give a few paragraphs to develop the scene and your character. Also, how is Hannah feeling when she's in the cab. Towards the end, you speed up too much and I think some detail was lost. What did the cab and driver look like, did he seem like a bad guy, did the cab smell, did something seem a bit off to your character or was she oblivious due to her want to get home? Once again, if you have any questions on how to flesh out some detail and give a little more emotion, I can assist or the legion of YWS will surely be there for your benefit! I really like where this story is going, by the way. Although I felt the action came on too soon, I really got into it! Keep writing and I'll keep reading! Thank you!