z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Living Weapons: Chapter One

by ANADIR


His dad came to him as he exited school on the last day of seventh grade.

“Hey Leo, I was thinking. Tomorrow is a solar eclipse, and I thought it might be nice if I took you on a little flight.” His father said as Leo climbed into the car.

Leo perked up. “Really? We could really do that?” A massive grin split Leo’s face.

“If just to make you smile again like that, then yes.” His father said with a proud smile.

“Son, I am really proud of you. You probably know more about how a plane is built and works than any college kid, and your dojo master said you passed him years ago.

Leo froze. “How did you know about Master Smith?” He asked.

Leo’s father laughed. “Oh, son. I watched you on every test you took. I would watch through the window. I was the one who pushed that catalog into your path.” His father grinned.

“Dad, you’re the best!” Leo crowed.

They laughed and talked the entire way home. When they pulled into the driveway, Leo looked longingly at the airplane hangar that held his father’s plane. “Tomorrow.” He whispered to himself.

Leo entered his house. He went into his room, and sat down at his desk. He opened a drawer in the desk, and pulled out several ninja weapons. He strapped them onto the leather harness he had under his clothes, with two pockets for ninja stars and kunai knives, and several padded pockets for breakable items and potions.

When Leo had strapped everything on, he headed outside for his daily practice.

He reached his usual clearing in the woods, and looked around. He cracked his back, and tapped a button on the clock. “Thirty seconds this time. I’ll hit every target in thirty seconds, while I avoid being seen by the camera’s I had dad buy for my ‘photography”.

Leo reached into a pocked and threw down a smoke bomb. There were several sharp whistles as ninja stars flew from the smoke and buried into targets. A kunai hit a target that was swinging from a branch, and exploded a moment later.

There was a whirl of chains, and a rope covered with sharp barbs flew from the smoke and wrapped around a tree. Leo hopped backwards out of the smoke, and sprinted up a tree, using a path he had planned out when he was setting up the cameras.

He slipped a stone knife from a holder right under his sleeve into his hand, and slashed it across a target high in a tree. He jumped off the branch, and flipped twice before landing.

He glanced at his watch. “Thirty two seconds.” He read.

“Well, that wasn’t too bad. I will do better next time.”

He collected all of his weapons, and slid them into their holders. He then pulled the chisel and hammer from his boot, and made a few more weapons. He collected a few herbs before returning to the house.

He boiled the herbs in some water before adding some other ingredients, and pouring them into little bottles. Leo grabbed the finished bottles, and hurried to his room, where he put them away in his shelf, which had over fifty bottles of potions.

Leo laid down on his bed, and sighed happily. “Tomorrow…” He muttered as he fell into a deep sleep.

When he woke up in the morning, He literally back flipped out of bed. He tumbled and rolled out of the door, before flipping into place at the breakfast table. His dad chuckled. “I haven’t seen you do that before.” He said.

Leo shrugged. “You should have told me you knew I was training how to be a ninja a while ago. I have so much to show you!” He grinned, and poured himself a bowl of cereal.

He inhaled his breakfast quickly, before folding up the napkin, and standing from the table. “I’m going to go to the annual battle arena today.” He said.

His father frowned. “Leo, what on earth is that?” He asked.

“Oh, it is going to be awesome! What we do is we are allowed to bring weapons and body armor, as long as they are padded. We all meet in an outdoor paintball arena, and we duke it out in a free for all! We can make alliances and everything! I really have to go now!”

Leo’s dad chuckled. “Well, if it makes you so happy, who am I to stop you? You go have fun now, and be back at six. That is when we will take off in the plane to get a nice good look at the solar eclipse.” He said.

Leo nodded, and ran out of the house. He reached the paintball arena quickly. “Hey guys!” He yelled as he ran in.

The group of kids turned around. “Hey Leo! I was worried you wouldn’t show up!” His friend Aaron said.

Leo laughed. “Are you kidding? I would never miss this!” He crowed.

The kids all laughed. “Let’s do this!” One yelled.

As they entered the arena, an adult checked their weapons. He raised his eyebrows when Leo put a massive handful of foam covered weapons onto the table.

What Leo didn’t tell the man was that he had several vials of liquid, including one that would burn through any substance that was a nonmetal. That was why Leo kept it in a metal bottle. Just in case.

The man’s eyebrows raised even higher when Leo put all the weapons back in their places in a second.

Leo just grinned at him, and ran into the arena.

Most of the kids were hitting each other with swords, and one was throwing discs rather accurately. Leo threw a kunai at one of the discs as it flew, pinning it to the wall, where he inspected it. “This is a good design!” He called to the boy.

“Thanks!” The boy called back.

Aaron threw a small sword that caught another boy on the back. The boy sighed, and headed back to the ‘spawn point’. Aaron grinned up at Leo. “This is so stinking fun! I wish they did this more often!” He called up.

Leo nodded. “Team?” He asked the disc boy.

The boy nodded. Aaron was already climbing up the wall. Leo pulled him up the rest of the way.

“You going to go ninja on us?” Aaron asked.

Leo grinned. “Just enjoy the show.” He said.

Leo pulled on a pair of gloves, and pressed on the tips. The boy peered at the gloves. “What are those?” He asked. Leo continued pressing on the tips. “These are gloves, put I glued pieces of wood with metal hooks on them into it. The tips at the end of my fingers are holes so, when I put my hand in…” Leo pulled the gloves on, and tensed his hand.

Small metal hooks emerged from the tips of his gloves. “That is so cool!” The boy whispered.

“I’ll trade you the way to make my discs for the way to make those.” The boy said.

Leo nodded. “Sure.” He said.

He latched onto the wall with the gloves, and swung himself into a good position. He threw a padded ninja star, and got a boy out. The boy sighed. “Leo, someone should ban you from these games. You are way too good.” He complained.

Leo just continued scuttling across the walls. He easily took out most of the other kids, until only one remained. The boy recognized Leo, and smiled. “Hey Leo!” He called.

The boy had a large shield and broadsword, along with armor. He dropped into fighting stance as Leo dropped down in front of him. Leo drew two padded blades, and charged the boy.

He blocked Leo with a shield, and tried to catch Leo off guard with a underhanded swing.

Leo blocked it with one knife, and used the momentum to vault over the boy, and hold the knife to his neck. “Nice go, Anthony.” He said.

Antony chuckled, and lowered his weapon. “Maybe next year, eh?” He asked.

Leo laughed. “Don’t count on it. Let’s go see the score. Maybe you got third.” He said.

Antony chuckled. “Who got second? Aaron?” He asked.

Leo shrugged. “I don’t know. Just not you.”

Antony burst out laughing.

The two reunited with the other two boys, and checked the score board. As every year, Leo was at the top. The boy with the throwing discs was second, and Antony third. Aaron was sixth. “Going up every year!” Aaron crowed.

The disc boy just smiled sheepishly. He jotted something down on a piece of paper, and gave it to Leo. Leo read over it quickly. “This how to make you discs?” He asked.

The boy nodded. Leo tore a piece of paper from one of the notebooks on the desk near him. He wrote down the instructions to make the gloves and passed them to the boy. The boy thanked him, and ran off.

Leo checked the time. “Five thirty. I should head home.” He said. He headed home, whistling happily.

He got home at ten before six. He vaulted into the house. “Hey dad, ready to go?” He called.

“Just give me a moment, Leo!” His dad called back.

When his dad was ready, they headed out to the hanger. Leo eyed the plane happily. “Can I get in?” He asked

His dad chuckled. “Of course, son!”

Leo carefully climbed into the jet, and sat fidgeting. His dad climbed into the driver’s seat. He pressed a button, and the front of the hangar opened. Leo was practically bouncing with excitement.

His dad pressed pulled the lever to start the engine, and they began across the runway. Leo let out a whoop as they took off.

They flew slowly higher, and reached a height point just as the sun was covered by the moon. Leo gasped. “It’s so beautiful!” he whispered.

The plane flew around in circles as the two stared at the moon. Suddenly, there was a loud bang that split through the quiet night. Fire burst up on one of their wings.

“Dad? What’s going on?” Leo screamed.

“Stay calm son, stay calm. I can glide us to the ground. We must have been shot by one of my old enemies.”

The plane slowly spiraled downwards, flames consuming more and more of the jet.

**********

Jenna twiddled her thumbs in worry. She had studied for weeks just to prepare for this moment. The end of her seventh year at Demon Slayers Academy. She would finally be able to summon her Living Weapon, and become a true Wielder.

True, she had used a normal weapon before, but it could never compare to using a Living Weapon. She had gone through seven years of teasing from other students just to get to this moment. She had been called a nerd and geek, and probably would still be, but it couldn’t be that bad if she could have a Living Weapon.

She watched as the line of students progressed, and each summoned a Living Weapon. “I bet you’re going to get a little dagger.” A Denise whispered to her.

Jenna sighed. Denise had been one of her worst bullies, and would constantly mess with her. Denise took pleasure in making her feel miserable. Jenna just blocked her mentally, and with a small spell.

Denise’s mouth flapped up and down, but no sound came out. “It will wear off after a minute.” Jenna said sweetly.

“Peasant” Denise mouthed.

Jenna turned away. She tried not to show it, but that was one of the most painful comments thrown at her. All of the other students at Demon Slayers were nobility, while she was a peasant there on a scholarship.

Jenna felt butterflies in her stomach as she the person in front of her went up, leaving her the first person in line.

She knew that you only had one attempt at it, but nobody had ever messed up. That didn’t stop her from worrying about it.

The boy in front of her received his mace and bowed to it. He then went to the crowd of kids who already had Living Weapons. It was standard tradition to bow to the Living Weapon, and it would return the bow. Unlike any other weapon, a Living Weapon had a voice and soul, and would speak to its owner, and anyone else it wanted to speak to.

Instructor Gillian called her name, and she slowly strode up to the raised platform. She began visualizing the spell.

As she neared the finish, she began to relax. She would be ok. She began the last line of the spell. “Peasant!” Denise screamed at her. Jenna flinched, and there was a massive explosion.

Jenna staggered back. Above her, a massive portal opened, and a huge metal beast flew out. Jenna’s mouth fell open. A object tumbled out of the beast, as it flew forward, and disappeared over the walls of the academy.

The object tumbled downwards, and landed nimbly on his feet. Jenna’s mouth fell open. Standing before her was a boy who looked her age. She looked to instructor Gillian. He shrugged. “It’s your weapon apparently. Maybe he talks so much he bores his enemies to death? Finish the sealing.” He said.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 578
Reviews: 4

Donate
Mon Sep 30, 2013 10:32 am
SarcasticMockery wrote a review...



Okay, so i read through the previous reviews to see what I can add and ashamed to say there isn't much dragonofphoenix missed.
But there are things that I must point out again.

-He glanced at his watch. “Thirty two seconds.” He read. [you don't need to take this to a new line. That only needs to be done if it's a new speaker.] “Well, that wasn’t too bad. I will do better next time.”

Sometimes I feel like your dialogue is a little too thought out. It doesn't quite flow like a real conversation, although what you've written still fits and is quite good. Sometimes you've got to think of alternates. Depending on what you write, your story can go in different directions. Dialogue can have a huge impact on where your story goes.

I've noticed that there is a slight lacking of description, specifically in the arena, but also through out the story. It's not big deal, we've all done it so don't beat yourself up about it. A way to improve is to as your writing/editing, is to imagine it as your writing/editing. What does it taste like? What does it feel like in you hand? What does it smell like? What does it look like?

When your writing about the little bottle of potions, he picks up the bottle after filling them, they'd still be warm wouldn't they? so you could put that in and that makes your story that much better!

I like your story it seems like it could be a little adventure, keep writing and I hope this helps!




User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 11970
Reviews: 508

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 1:08 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



I accidentally submitted that without meaning to. Apparently hitting Enter while the review field is gray will do that to you.

Anyway, to pick up where I left off...

He glanced at his watch. “Thirty two seconds.” He read.

“Well, that wasn’t too bad. I will do better next time.”

This has the same formatting issue. Close the gap between the lines, good writer.

"Leo grabbed the finished bottles, and hurried to his room, where he put them away in his shelf, which had over fifty bottles of potions." Two things. First, delete that first comma. The sentence flows better without it. Second, you should probably break this sentence into two, like this "Leo grabbed the finished bottles and hurried to his room, where he put them away on his shelf. The shelf [now] held over fifty bottles of potions." It just flows better that way.

Second section:
"She knew that you only had one attempt at it, but nobody had ever messed up."
The "you" should be "she" for consistency and narrative style.

Content:
I needed more description of the paintball arena, the kids in it, and what they were using. That was just over and done too soon.
On the second section, I liked how you did the Living Weapon summoning. It left a lot to be answered later on. Keep going!

Hope this helps!




ANADIR says...


wow, that was great! Thanks for the awesome feedback! :D



User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 11970
Reviews: 508

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:54 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to bestow another Review Day review!

Technical:
If just to make you smile again like that, then yes.” His father said with a proud smile.

“Son, I am really proud of you. You probably know more about how a plane is built and works than any college kid, and your dojo master said you passed him years ago.

There should be a close-quotes at the end of that last line, and those lines should be attached to the first, since it's the same character speaking. You don't start a new paragraph unless the speaker changes.




User avatar
662 Reviews


Points: 11195
Reviews: 662

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:33 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Knight Malachi here to review for the Knights of the Green Room, as well as for Review Day.
So this is an interesting start. I would suggest more detail, especially with Leo's half of the chapter. Explain more his feelings about everything, and make it more detailed about how he does all of the ninja stuff.

Now, Jenna's part was pretty good. you had much more description, and more of the mental thoughts going on with here. i personally am not too big on fantasy, but it seems interesting. Good job.
Keep it up!





I am deeply disturbed by your ability to meow.
— Carina