Young Writers Society

"Too tired to sleep" that really caught my eye, I never knew someone could be too tired to sleep! ha. I actually really liked this poem it has great imagery. "now or ever before" doesn't make sense to me I feel should be "Not now, nor ever before." but that is just me I'm not sure that way sounds any better.

"I am unfocused, unaware. I cannot bring my mind to settle, a haze shrouds my vision, lead filled veins drag down my limbs, I do not want to move at all."

This is a very relatable line that I feel everyone has experienced in their life! very well done! I liked it

Boom! I'm here.
And I'm not going to write a review by babbling!
Probably.
Maybe...

I am unfocused,
unaware.

Hi Cailey,have a good day!Here is Dark to give review on your poem.

Your poem explaining about 'feeling exhausted' that you are experiencing with a distinctive reasons. Diction used is simple and makes it easier to understand.

#Can't close my eyes.
Too tired to sleep.--->I see it is too simple here,very familiar.I hope it can be something more wonderful to read when you describe this situation in poetic way.
Dreams mingle with reality-
mirage of black and white and grey:
lots of grey. --->I like this part.'Dreams mingle with reality-'.

#I am distracted,
and so sick of the world around.
Reality does not suit me.
Now or ever before. -->You start creating conflict in this stanza. Life crisis seems to make you exhausted.

#I am my own invention,
not yet finished-
already broke. -->Well,it is a bit odd here.You can improve this part.

It seems you are using a free poetry writing style with a function that is not bound by the format. You have to be careful when using this kind of writing style.Anyway,I enjoyed reading your poem here Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark

This captures the essence of tiredness and also creates a nice impression of dreaminess. This makes me think about when I'm too tried to get out of bed in the morning, of after an exhausting day get home. Or more impressionism when I just feel super lazy and I'm supposed to be studying and I'm not and instead yeah...
You evoked these situations and emotions in me, as the reader, which means you have done a good job in your writing.

I like you you have made the lines so divided and floating, it helps work the poem well.

Ok, you have a problem that is the opposite of many people. You are going over the top with punctuation. Using a variety of strange things that in effect don't really make sense or should be something more ordinary instead. Lets take a look at this.

Dreams mingle with reality;
mirage of black and white and grey.
Lots of grey.

I am my own invention,
not yet finished,
already broken.

Knight Malachi here to review you. By the way, are you a Green Room Squire?
So this poem was really well done. I like all of the opposites you had. you did a good job of capturing the sense of being so tired that you can't sleep.

Fatigue like chains clasping me,
cool metal against my throat,
my wrists, my feet.
Stuck in blackness-
quickly drowning.

I have to say that those lines seems really dark. If I am missing an underlying message it might explain some of the confusion, but this seems a bit terror-striking. I will leave the technical errors to Knight Dragon who will very happily point them out.