Young Writers Society

ED here, sorry if this is terribly harsh (because I feel that it is). It is ten at night and I can't type to save my life.

Aokigahara

Eh? Ao=blue ki=spirit gahara=I have no idea... Sekigahara? (That's what I thought of first.) Google said it meant "the belly"

"Blue spirit of the belly" ...okay. And how does that relate to the song? And why is it Japanese?

If your song had Japanese words or imagery in there, then I could understand the title. But right now it sticks out and is rather odd. Just like in other types of poetry, the title should perfectly encapsulate and evoke the mood of the poem itself. If the title doesn't fit, something is going to seem off and distracting to your reader.

That aside... (It was the first thing that caught my attention.)

Cogs that are turning too fast to keep up
A treacherous hand reaches long

So this speaks of a clock, yes? That second line is awkward... I obviously don't know the melody (if there is one) but do try and make things flow more smoothly. "A treacherous hand reaches down" or something. (Also, "treacherous" is vulgar in Japanese... I'm not sure why my mind is still stuck in that mode. But FYI in case there was ever the remote chance that you were going to translate this. heh. :p )

The wider the void then the wider the grip

Also rather murky. The wider the grip of what? My advice here is don't try to be cryptic... because then it will be obvious that you are trying to be cryptic. Maybe "gap?" Perhaps you're trying to set up an expectation of how a phrase will end with the listener/reader, and then reverse that? (It's that one technique... I forget the name.) Well that's all well and good, but sometimes clarity is best. Try for that "crypticness" (if that's what you were going for) without being clunky.

Here is where I finally belong
Caverns to protect from goblins and ghosts
Shying away from the song

So you didn’t rhyme up to this point and now we switch to limericks? Well, it works here, but is anachronistic. I think this would be better if you chose more vivid, original imagery here than going with a simplistic rhyme. My mind is brimming with ideas, I know you can make this 10x better. Right now, I can't help but feel that it lacks impact.

Trigger the reflex and gag for your life

Probably my favorite line. I love this for some reason. Here is where the phrasal destruction of a reader's expectation actually works quite well. "trigger the reflex" sounds familiar, and yet not. "Gag... for your life" not something you usually do "for your life." I think this works great here.

Much to everyone's despair
Destiny decays before it's too late
Heart muscles that bend and tear
The only memory of you
Combines blood stains with your hair

Back to the rhymes. At first I thought that there are too many syllables for "combines bloodstains with your hair" to fit fluidly with "heart muscles that bend and tear" and "much to everyone's despair." Turns out they both have seven. Well... nice work. Obviously I can't count. heh. That being said, something doesn't fit here like it should. Something seems choppy, unnatural, out of place. Maybe it's the counted syllables. It seemed contrived to me. (Especially since you have a triplet here and couplets everywhere else.) It just stuck out.

A river that flows on the edge of the street
Foundations that are set ablaze

I would recommend taking "that" out of both phrases. I think it would sound stronger. Turns them into verbs instead of recipients of a verb.

Moments too intimate to even tell
I sit in my chair with a gaze
Staring at mirrors till the cows come home

"intimate" and "cows," paired together, do not make a good image. And even tell what? And how do you sit with a gaze? Refer to my earlier notes on crypticness and betraying expectations. While you can certainly do both here, I don't really think it's working as is in this section here.

I've gotten so miserable these days

Noooo! Cliché! And you were doing so well! Well, I don't know.... it seemed like a rather bland and cliché to end this thing to me. Maybe it just wasn't what I expected. (heh.) I found it disappointing. A rapid dissipation of suspense and tension with no lasting impression.

Overall:
Well, I think that this could be made a lot better than it is right now. It's good right now, but it doesn't seem to stand on its own. It doesn't stand out. It seems a bit bland. How to solve that? Well, everyone tells me that it's imagery... but you have a ton of imagery in here, and hidden meaning. So I guess I would suggest making sure that you pick the RIGHT imagery, and that your hidden meanings aren't so hidden that the reader can't decipher them. Try to make this flow more, tie in the rhyming to the first part of this. Maybe making the tone "off-beat" was your intention. That's fine. I'm not personally in good when it comes to quirky stuff, but that doesn't mean nothing should be unusual. Just make sure the oddity of it all is still smooth and consistent, it needs to work contextually.

Hope that could help some,
~ED

I really like your words, they sound nice together, but thats as far as I can say, since I don't understand any of it XD

Asking for nitpicks is going to set grammar Nazi's alight. You don't have any punctuation and I think you know it.

Despite my lack of understanding, which is most likely the fault of my own brain's laziness to try to comprehend there are several lines I like and some I have a suggestion on. For example
when I read this line:

The only memory of you
Combines blood stains with your hair

I first read it as "Combs bloodstains with your hair" And I thought it was really good imagery but then I noticed it was combined. I think it would be cooler if it was "Combs bloodstains into your hair" and it says the same thing while adding an extra hair metaphor and giving it a physical action rather than a less so specific action.

I like your rhyming because its subtle, not blatant like one of those fun and jumpy poems, which suits the image I get from your lone lines. If you could explain this whole poem to me I am sure I would enjoy it immensely.