Young Writers Society

Wow you're really talented. I really liked this poem. I was especially fascinated with the lines:

"The reminiscent of a childhood fear
Resurface from the daunting shadow."

It shows that even as we grow older we still have these times of terror as we had when we were children. Not only small children get scared. Also, there is something terrible yet beautiful about a thunderous rainstorm and you really captured both of these aspects.

My only criticism is about how you put parentheses around reflected, forgotten, sharply, and fire. I don't know if you were trying to emphasize the words, but it makes the poem look a bit messy. Maybe you could think up another way of stressing the importance of the words.... Other than that it was a beautiful poem and I can't wait to continue reading your work.

Man the catapults! Let down the drawbridge! Knight Pompadour here for a review!
Sorry, couldn't resist. =P
I love your poem! It's... different. But I feel like your tense gets a tiny bit botched up after the first two lines because you're using "was" and then you suddenly switch to present-tense instead.
Also, as The Messenger and DragonOfPhoenix have already pointed out, it should be "shines" and "releases." But there's also this:
"Resurface from the daunting shadow"
This should be "resurfaces."
I love these lines:
"The glint of a rusty blade (reflected)

Like an inkling of promise (forgotten)

Kisses my naked pale veins (sharply)

Leaving behind a trail of poisoned (fire)

Such emptiness"
But I feel they could be more effective if the word at the end of each line was separated to be written below it in italics. Like this:
" The glint of a rusty blade
/Reflected./
Like an inkling of a promise
/Forgotten./...."
And so on and so forth.
I liked the idea, except that it was made a little unclear by the errors you made here and there. But they're nothing that can't be cleared up in a jiffy! Keep writing! You can really deliver those thrills down our spines if you try!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

Knight Malachi here to review for the Knights of the Green Room, and Review Day/ blue team.
Just reading the first few lines impressed me. they were beautiful!

Whence the moon shine with such deceit
I believe it should be shines, instead of shine.

Suffocates me and release
I think it should be releases in stead of release. Still awesome poem so far, though.

So please explain the italic writing to me. I have the reason on the tip of my tongue, I think, but not sure. So I finished the poem awed by the cool pictures you painted. good job overall except for the minor problems which don't really disrupt the flow, which by the way I like.
Keep it up!

Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!

Technical:
"Whence the moon shine with such deceit", "shine" should be "shone".

"Suffocates me and release my tears", "release" should be "releases".

I needed more punctuation in this poem, especially in the first stanza. How am I supposed to read that? Where's the flow supposed to go? Where are the pauses, and where are the breaks?

And with the last non-italicized stanza, why did you put those words in parentheses? It would be perfectly fine without the parentheses. Just let them be a part of the actual poem, instead of "hidden" away within the parentheses.

Hope this helps!

Wah. Gosh, I loved this. I've always loved beautiful words and imagery and descriptions. This is just so haunting. It gives me shivers down the back of my spine reading this.

I can't imagine having problems with the contents. The structure though is a bit of a problem?
I can't tell if it's a poem or prose or something else. It does sound like a poem but the existence of stanzas is completely non-existent. I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all. It's really your choice.

But the thing is that I can't tell which category this is supposed to be kept in. And cause of that, I can't give a meticulous review based on the type of literary work you did. It's quite confusing from my perspective, haha.

Maybe skip a line after "...abide" and skip another after "such darkness" so that "such darkness" stands on it's own? Then continue on like that for "such fear" and "such emptiness"? I think it's give it a more artistic feel.

Now that I think about it, this is more like a really descriptive song. (By the way, absolutely love the inclusion of words in brackets in the last part of it) It really sounds like a duet with another person adding in those breathy words in brackets. Huh.

Well, that's just my take on it. Anyway, good job! I loved the use of visual imagery. I've always been a fan of it. x)