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Kira's Story, Chatper 17

by dragonfphoenix

Delta Thread, Chapter 10

“Very well. Shadow, please escort these two Demis back to their group, and begin the search.” Kira said. Shadow nodded once and left with the two charges. Kira sighed and turned back to Caden. “Well, that’s over. Now everything can go back to normal.”

“Almost everything.” Caden said. “We still haven’t found out what happened to Seth.”

“Why didn’t you ask the Demis?” Kira said.

“Because they didn’t know.” Raven said from the doorway. She walked into the room and stopped a few feet from Kira and Caden.

“Good to see you decided to come chat.” Caden said, smiling.

“Where’s Obsidian?” Kira asked.

“He’s with Lori.” Raven said, motioning vaguely behind her. Kira looked at Caden for clarification.

“One of her Sisters.” he said, frowning slightly. “Though I’m not sure which. I know it wouldn’t be Lin, and Amber isn’t here, so…”

“Don’t worry; she’ll come in later, after Dad tells her what to do with the mutt.” Raven said, grinning.

“So what about Seth?” Kira asked.

“Well, he didn’t finish his training, but he’s back.” Raven said. “He and Enna are back at the Settlement.”

“I’m glad to here that.” Caden said. “I was afraid you wouldn’t survive him.”

Raven stuck her tongue out at Caden, an act that made her look even younger, then said, “It was the other way around. I could barely get him to stay on his feet.”

“I’m glad you two know each other, but I’d like an introduction.” Kira said.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Caden said apologetically. He walked over to stand beside Raven and bowed dramatically, sweeping his arms out in front of her as if to escort her. As he bent over she simply thumped him on the head hard enough to knock him off balance. He recovered and glared at her, and said, “Allow me to introduce Raven, youngest of the Daughters, and the most well-behaved of them, as you can see. She married my oldest brother, who is an absolute cherub when compared to his wife,” a statement that earned him a swift kick to the shin, “and has a son, who is just as well behaved as his mother.”

“My father is Cress, the Red Sage.” Raven said to Kira after hitting Caden in the arm for the comment about her son.

“Cress is also known as your pet cat, Fe.” Caden added, and Raven backhanded him lightly, yet fast enough to catch him before he flinched away.

“He is not a pet!” she said, trying to be both offended and amused. Caden took a step away from Raven and held his hand in front of his mouth to comment to Kira.

“She is the baby of the family.” he said, smiling. “She’s a little spoiled.”

“I am not spoiled!” Raven said, jumping over and tackling Caden. He rolled away from her, laughing. Raven jumped up, and bared her teeth like a wolf. “Don’t mess with me, Cadence. I’m still a kitsune.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Caden said in mock apology. “I thought you had become a Koneko when you came into this world.” Raven’s eyes flared, and she charged him again. This time, he simply sidestepped her and spun towards Kira.

“All right, Caden, I think you’ve teased the poor girl enough.” Kira said as Caden ducked behind her.

“Thank you for your support.” he said from behind her. “I’m in mortal danger of a rabid fox changeling, and all you can think about is how I’m treating her.”

“Well you deserve it.” Kira said, stepping away from Caden.

“Yes, he does.” Raven said. “But I’ll be generous and forgive him… this time.” She smiled. “Oh, it almost slipped my mind. Caden, my sister told me to tell you she was coming here tomorrow.”

“Which one?” Caden said, his eyes lighting up. Raven crossed her arms and glared at him.

“Which one would ask me to tell you that?” Raven said. Caden tapped his chin thoughtfully and looked at the ceiling, as if the answer were written there.

“Your favorite sister, Dark Lin.” he finally said, smiling.

“Ha-ha, you’re very funny, rogue.” Raven said.

“What time will she be here?” Caden asked seriously.

“Whenever it’s convenient.” Raven said. Caden threw up his arms triumphantly.

“Who’s coming?” Kira asked.

Raven smiled and said, “Someone very special: his wife.”

“I can’t believe I’m lying in the same cell I put Kira in just a few days ago.” Obsidian muttered at the ceiling. Raven had chained his hands and feet after slipping a needle-thin shard of Override Crystal into the small of his back. Growling, he tried to reach around and rub the irritated portion, but the chains didn’t allow him that far of a reach. “Stupid Moderators.” he complained, rolling back onto his side. As he did, a slight distortion on the cell wall caught his eye, and he readjusted to get a better view. There was a bright glint, like reflected sunlight off a mirror, then a rent tore the air, and a familiar face looked back at him through the tear.

“You’re, you…” Obsidian began, and the face looked just as startled to see him. They both said, “You’re me!” and then looked at each other in even greater surprise.

“How are you me, and what in the world got you into that fix?” the new version of Obsidian asked.

“I might ask you the same thing, although you’re not bound in a cell right now.” Obsidian said.

“Ha, I knew it.” the other Obsidian said. “You’re not me; you’re just my reflection, although perhaps not a perfect one, since you seemed to have failed.”

“And I suppose you’ve triumphed with your great scheme, since you’re just talking to your reflection.” Obsidian challenged. The other’s face clouded over briefly, then his smile returned.

“Listen, I have a proposition for you, one I hope you’ll agree to.” the other Obsidian said.

“Only if it involves getting me out and back in control of my Demis.” Obsidian replied.

“What are Demis?” the other asked, and Obsidian smiled.

“Allow me to explain…”

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745 Reviews

Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:42 pm
Lumi wrote a review...


There isn't much left to say about the work in general (chapter or no), that hasn't been said a dozen times in the 17 other chapters. At this point I think you've gathered your lessons:

-Scatter details throughout chapters sparingly
-Leave info dumps for children
-Develop characters slowly and lovingly
-Stop dialoguing EVERYTHING
-Increase action, decrease telling

I'm still angry at how Obsidian tells his whole life story to anyone who'll listen to him, be they friend, foe, or neutral. You have a solid dimensional villain here, and yet he's giving away everything that makes him a promising character. So zip up his mouth and let him brood for a while!

Consider characters to be tea. When you dip the teabag into the hot water, at first not much comes out. This is our primary introduction to the character. After a while of steeping, you begin to see depth, you see flavor and can feel the character breathing. And when it's just right, that's when you unleash your twists, your special ingredients. Unfortunately, in your case, this requires the reconstruction of this novel. It's a large task, but it's certainly one worth undertaking. You have a good premise here; please don't give up on it. Just let it mature with your writing.

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:37 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

“I’m glad to here that.” Caden said. “I was afraid you wouldn’t survive him.”

Bing bing. Skipped over what I predicted -- that somehow Caden wasn't dead -- and came here to find a typo. Should be "hear", of course!

In the spirit of noticing your patterns so you can avoid them bleeding into absolutely all of your works, I'm going to point this out to you here:

a statement that earned him a swift kick to the shin,

You have the scene in Kingdom of Boredom where Fiera kicks the narrator in the shins over and over. You have the protagonist in the Cry novel restrain herself from jabbing the guy who guides her in to the Underworld. Here again, you have another feisty female hitting people, and in a way that I would never expect to see in reality! I understand it's fantasy, but I still want believable characters, and I don't think people would literally actually just go around kicking each other. It hurts!

Raven smiled and said, “Someone very special: his wife.”

“I can’t believe I’m lying in the same cell I put Kira in just a few days ago.” Obsidian muttered at the ceiling.

I LOVE THAT CLIFFHANGER! haha, that's terrible after seeing just the briefest of glimpses between Kira and Caden. Yeah, the heat of battle makes us forget things like the real, slow world and our wives -- terrible! How will they get out of that.

You also need either an extra space or some * * * 's between these two lines to denote the space and time shift. Guide your reader! Let us know what to expect.

I can see, too, how you mention this is a thread in your novel. Obviously I didn't read a lot of the other chapters, but it's clear that this is referencing back to another point in time with that rip between the two Obsidians. That's pretty intriguing. It keeps us always moving and on our toes. I think it's brave to stay so long in one story that a whole battle can take place, and then peek us back to the one we were, I assume first introduced to. So, nice risk there.

Hope this review has been helpful to you!
Hope you can use all the reviews YWSers bestowed onto you this review day.
Fight forever with diligence, loyalty, and knowledge, Knight Dragon! May our friendship be long and mighty!

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890 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 890

Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:11 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...


Small nitpick in spelling “I’m glad to here that” should be ‘hear’.
“Caden threw up his arms triumphantly.” I feel like you don’t mean triumphantly, cause that means in great success, but he hasn’t done anything particularly successful here? He’s responding to a statement instead.

I… this is a terrible ending. Like. I know it is a cliffhanger which is meant to lead on to another… chapter? Or lead on to a new story? In any case it’s just really awkward and it’s clearly only there to press us onto reading another story. Why are they both okay with this apparent mirror and why would either of them take the other up on an offer when they don’t know them? I don’t know I feel like your characterisation is still really missing here. You don’t seem to be developing any of these characters beyond who they were in their initial chapters and that means that what they've done takes on an even more unbelievable note. Why would Obsidian trust ANYONE after he has been foiled – it could be another Moderator in disguise for all he knows, since Raven is a kitsune. But your character doesn't really question, he just moves forward and spills all his secrets? That is so very unlikely that it makes me vaguely uncomfortable.

In the end I think you still need to work on dispersing your description more evenly across your chapters so that we get to create the image and not have the image thrown onto us in one big heap. You need to develop your characters personalities so that they have character and distinction on their own as well as when interacting with others. Maintain those personalities and develop them over time so that their actions are more realistic and believable. Even though this is a fictional story about magical elves, we still need to suspend our disbelief long enough that we can get into the story. I didn't get into this story really, which is disappointing because it definitely improved toward the later chapters.

I look forward to any work you do on this, let me know if you’d like me to look at it again. Thanks for the read!

- Penguin.

The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)