Kira's Story, Chapter 4

by dragonfphoenix

Published September 28, 2013

E - Everyone

In Kira's Story

Main Story, Chapter 4

Obsidian paced back and forth in the throne room. He felt good, very good. He had the first Key; in fact, he was the first Key. His soldiers would make short work of Seth, the second Key: Seth had been far too predictable during his service in the Guard, and then he’d fallen in love with a gypsy, leaving himself completely vulnerable to any manipulation he saw fit. Yet Kira…she presented a problem, a challenge for him to overcome if he were to reach his full potential.
Kira held the third Key to his ultimate power. True, he wouldn’t be invincible, but he’d be immortal and untouchable to everyone in this puny little realm he’d taken over. Mind, Body, and Soul…these were the three Keys to unlock the portal to the Moderators’ Realm. Three elves were born as the Keys: one for the Mind, one for the Body, one for the Soul. He’d spent years researching this topic when he’d learned that the strange blue birthmark, which outlined one of the folds of his palm, was more than just an oddity: it designated him as a Key. And he’d been absolutely giddy when he’d learned of the true potential of using the three Keys to unlock the Portal.
As he paced back and forth he reminisced about the stories he’d perused during his winding journey to this day. He’d learned through the legends that the Moderators had once been more active in their world, but then had either left, or had simply chosen to leave the elves alone. Obsidian had never found an answer to what had happened to the Moderators, but he didn’t care, since he planned on becoming one. One stray thought, the odd phrase ‘uniting Unity or Discord’, resurfaced, and he smiled as he remembered how his mind had drawn the necessary connections to translate the phrase.
He was busy calming himself when the messenger had burst into the throne room, reporting that Seth had been captured and was being brought to the city. Obsidian had uncharacteristically thanked the messenger before dismissing him. Now, as he paced back and forth in the empty throne room, listening to the echo of his footsteps as they reverberated throughout the large room, he fought back the urge to shout for joy. He wasn’t done yet, but everything was going according to plan, everything except capturing Kira, and now, he was ready to embark in his pursuit of the prey that had mysteriously disappeared. Yet her disappearance was no longer a mystery to him, and he knew how he would set about regaining the last Key. All he had to do was calm himself, and then he would go.

“The store is just over the road.” Landon said as they walked out of the apartment building. Side by side, they strolled down the road that Landon’s apartment building was on, and turned onto the sidewalk that led through the park. Down the path, a giant gazebo overshadowed the fork in the path that led away to the basketball courts and the road ahead.
“I still can’t believe you have so much food just sitting in one place.” Kira said as they walked under the gazebo’s octagonal shadow. “In my world, only the royalty had that much food in the store rooms, and only the chefs had access to them. Here, anyone can walk in and choose whatever they want?”
“We still have to pay for it, but yeah, basically.” Landon said as they reentered the sunlight and walked past the swing set. “And there’s the tree you ran into earlier.” Landon added, pointing over to the large tree. Kira laughed, and rubbed her head.
“That hurt a little.” she said.
“A little?” Landon exclaimed. “You ran into it at full speed! I think it would have hurt more than a little.”
“Okay, more than a little.” Kira replied, smiling, as she dropped her hands casually back to her sides.
“Say, who’s that?” Landon asked and stopped, still looking at the tree.
“Who’s what?” Kira asked, following his gaze. She gasped as she saw a tall man step out from behind the tree, an evil grin spread on his face. “Obsidian.” she whispered disbelievingly. Obsidian twisted at his waist and reached for something in the small of his back, and Kira’s mind screamed that they were in danger. “Run.” she said, forcing herself to say the word.
“What?” Landon asked, looking at her in confusion.
“I said run!” she said, finally getting the emotion past the lump in her throat. Landon turned to look back at Obsidian, still not understanding the gravity of the situation. Obsidian smiled, and pulled a black, metallic object out from behind his back. Landon’s face fell, and he seemed to freeze.
“He’s got a gun.” Landon said in shock, and then his head jerked back and he fell to the ground, his body limp.
“Landon!” Kira screamed, seeing the red pool forming on the ground around his head. She ran over and kneeled beside him, tears misting in her eyes. Time seemed to stall; a dull pain throbbed in her chest, and she had to stretch out her hand to steady herself. Her ears were ringing from the sudden pain that hit her, and a tear fell as she felt Raina’s loss. The emptiness was deep and dark, and the correlation to the loss of her parents, reversed for Raina, almost choked Kira. Obsidian stood silently and watched her, then after a few minutes, cleared his throat and walked towards her.
“Aw, poor girl.” Obsidian said soothingly, sliding the gun into the waistband of his jeans as he took a step forward. “I know it must be difficult for you right now, being in a strange world, surrounded by creatures you’re not familiar with, and no idea how you got here.”
“Stay away from me!” she shouted over her shoulder as he walked towards her. “You killed him, you beast! He had a family who loved him.”
“And he deserved that when you don’t have yours anymore?” Obsidian asked, still advancing steadily.
“My parents would be fine if you hadn’t killed them.” Kira spat accusingly, standing up and taking a step back.
Obsidian held up his hands in mock surrender and hung his head in forced shame. “Too true, Kira. But you see, you don’t understand the magnitude of what I’m attempting to accomplish. What are a few lives to me? And why should you care about that boy? Why should you have any feelings at all? You barely know him.” He glanced back up, and his eyes were questioning.
“He did nothing to you!” she yelled, balling her fists in anger. “You didn’t have to kill him; you just chose to.”
“Kira, you are being over dramatic. Please, just come with me and let’s go home.” Obsidian said soothingly, extending his hand. “And you might want to hurry. There could be complications should someone see him like that.” he said, motioning at Landon’s fallen form.
“Why should I?” Kira challenged, straightening defiantly. “I won’t go with a monster like you. And what do I have to go back to? You’ve taken everything from me but my freedom, and I won’t let you take that. All I’d be going back to is slavery.”
“No, Kira, you’d be going back to freedom.” Obsidian said fervently. “You’re the rightful ruler of Eldia, and I only need your cooperation for this one task, and then I shall turn the throne over to you.”
“Liar.” Kira spat. “You’ll kill me the moment I am worthless to you.”
“No, Kira; you’ll never be worthless to me: you’re a gem, a treasure, one that I’ll cherish forever and won’t throw away like all the other fools with half a brain.” Obsidian said coaxingly.
“Watch it, Obsidian.” Kira snapped bitingly. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were talking to yourself again.”
“That’s very funny.” Obsidian responded, his mouth a flat line. “Please, just take my hand and let’s get out of here. I have work to do, and you have a kingdom to rule.”
“Kira!” a voice up the path called. She turned, and saw Caden running down the walkway.
“Caden!” Obsidian and Kira said simultaneously.
“I see the rat showed up.” Caden said, looking down at Landon sympathetically, then turned a disdainful eye to Obsidian. “And he still bites.”
“Yes, yes I do.” Obsidian said, drawing the gun and aiming it at Caden’s chest.
“No!” Kira yelled, jumping in front of Caden.
“It’s okay, Kira.” Caden said, gently pushing her aside and standing in front of her. Kira looked up at him pleadingly but he just smiled reassuringly.
“Amazing, this little device.” Obsidian said, observing the gun as he sighted Caden with it. “Just like our crossbows, only no visible firing mechanism, and much more kick. And amazing too how you managed to survive death.”
“I didn’t die here.” Caden said, tensing as if to pounce.
“No? Well, then I should change that.” Obsidian said, pulling the trigger. The gun bucked, and Caden was thrown back as the bullet ripped through his chest. He fell heavily to his knees, and Kira ran in front of him to hold him up.
“I don’t want to lose you again.” she said, tears pooling in her eyes.
“Don’t worry.” Caden said, silently slipping a note into her hand. He looked into her eyes, and for a moment she thought they changed to orange from their dark brown, but she blinked away the tears and they looked normal again. He saw the confusion flicker on her face and smiled again. “You won’t lose me. Obsidian will let me in.” he whispered, then collapsed in her arms.
“Caden.” she cried, holding him in her arms.
“This thing is remarkably quiet for being so powerful.” Obsidian said, studying the gun. “I wonder if this long tube on the end has anything to do with it. Oh well, a curiosity for another time. Come on, Kira, time to go.” he said, laying a hand softly on her shoulder.
“Get away from me!” she cried, slapping his hand away.
Obsidian sighed deeply, and let her cry on her dead friend. “Kira, you have nothing to live for in this world either. You know no one, and now, this world is completely foreign to you. At least come back to the one you know.”
“No.” she said stubbornly, clinging to Caden’s body.
“Very well, then. Enjoy the trip.” Obsidian said, grabbing her shoulder. She tried to shove his hand away and run, but then the world around them, including Caden, disappeared, and they floated alone in a dark, featureless expanse.
“What did you do?” Kira asked, trying to mask her fear in anger.
“Screaming is not going to help you, Kira, though it may make you feel better.” Obsidian replied. “But I’m really quite pleased how easy it was to follow you through this tunnel into your other world. Honestly I’m surprised you figured it out on your own at such a young age.”
“Figured what out?” Kira asked, genuinely confused.
“Why, how to access the gateway to the other worlds.” Obsidian said, shocked at her ignorance. “How else can you explain your disappearance? I know that’s how you escaped.”
“That may be how I got out, but I don’t know how it happened. I certainly didn’t do it.” Kira said.
“You had nothing to do with it?” Obsidian asked, eyeing her distrustfully.
“No, I didn’t. I still don’t know how you did whatever it was you just did.” Kira said, crossing her arms.
“Interesting.” Obsidian said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “Well, we shall have to discuss this later. For now, take my hand, and let’s be off.” he said. Kira took a step back, sending her off floating into the emptiness of wherever they were. As she floated, she flailed her arms uselessly until she gently slid to a stop several feet away. When she was stationary again, Kira looked back at Obsidian in utter defiance. “Oh, Kira, must you really make things difficult? Either you take my hand, or I grab you again like before. Or better yet, I leave you here until I feel like coming back for you.”
“You wouldn’t leave me here.” Kira said confidently. “You need me, and you can’t risk that I really do know how this whole thing works and can leave whenever I feel like it.”
“Kira.” Obsidian said, like a parent addresses an ignorant child. “If you knew how this works, you could leave right now and there’s nothing I can do to stop you. But you haven’t, so that rules out that option. And yes, I do need you, but if I can come and go as I please, and you cannot, then I can leave you here, effectively locked in the most secure cell I know of, and come get you when I need you.”
“You can’t leave me here too long, though.” Kira said tauntingly. “I might just find a way out.”
“True, you could. But I’m not going to let you.” Obsidian said, disappearing from her sight. She looked around, startled, and didn’t find him till he’d grabbed her arms forcefully, and then they were falling, neither upwards or downwards, but inwards, into her old home world. She saw the entire realm of Eldia from a bird’s perspective, and then in a blink she was standing in a hallway of the dungeons, facing an open cell door.
“Welcome to your new home.” Obsidian said, shoving her into the cell and slamming the door behind her. “And don’t get any ideas about escaping. I already checked: you can’t get out of that cell the same way you escaped in the Gardens.” He slid the lock shut ominously, and let the key rattle against the door for a moment before removing it from the lock. “I’ll be back for you, Kira, and when you’re done helping me, I’ll be sure to help you.” he promised through the grate on the door. Then he was gone.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
manisha
Review
manisha wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hi there again.

Firstly let me say this isn't one of your good chapters. Things just pop out and happen that there is no speck of realism here. Even supernatural works only when there is a solid realism holding it to the ground.
This starting is too boring and the later parts unrealistic.

“Say, who’s that?” Landon asked and stopped, still looking at the tree.
Does Landon notice and acknowledge every stranger he sees on the road?

“Who’s what?” Kira asked, following his gaze. She gasped as she saw a tall man step out from behind the tree, an evil grin spread on his face. “Obsidian.” she whispered disbelievingly.
And Obsidian is here, already? You are either trying to hurry and finish everything or making things so that they are convenient.

Her ears were ringing from the sudden pain that hit her, and a tear fell as she felt Raina’s loss.
That wouldn't be what she is thinking then. actually, that shouldn't be what she is thinking then.

And whats with Kira and Obsidian talking to each other like that? Obsidian has lost all the character you had built up for him. He was one of the strong characters and here he sounds just the opposite. If I knew him he would just stun her or grab her and be on his way.

This chapter needs a lot of working on.
I apologize if you think I am being rude or something but reviews are to help.
I hope I helped.

-manisha

User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

...wait, what?

I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Obsidian starts off giving us a giant info dump of something which is incredibly crucial to the plot, indeed, the plot itself, the motive of this whole sequence of events. The magnitude of this is tremendous, but it kind of peters out, since you deliver it in one giant paragraph. You kind of foreshadowed it earlier, but it seemed, when Cayden said it, incredibly odd and out of place. I was wondering what a key was, and now I know. That's not a good thing. Foreshadowing shouldn't be forced, and that there was incredibly forced. And oh, apparently Seth is a key too. How convenient. If he's that important, maybe you should have led us up to this, gradually, slowly. This chapter seems to be some form of climax, but it's not as powerful as it could be, because you dump everything relevant very quickly.

Then you transition back to earth, where the guys are apparently still walking to get milk? As that whole thing with Seth went down? That's one hell of a long walk. Does time freeze in one universe? That would be silly. Does it move more quickly or slowly? If so, that's kind of a giant detail you could have mentioned sooner. In any way, however, Obsidian is suddenly there and omg there's a confrontation with Kira and she refuses to go back with him for no apparent reason while not at all being confused by this whole situation and as with this sentence you should really, really, really slow down that whole bit, so that the readers can process what's going on. As it is now, I'm incredibly confused. Obsidian also has a gun! Wow! That came out of nowhere. His logic also seems to be kind of flawed, from what I understand it. He really needs her. First he threatens to take her back, and Kira resists. Then he threatens to leave her there, and Kira resists. Then Obsidian drags her off and she's in a cellblock, as if the past three chapters on earth have been completely useless. Seriously. Why did she even go there, only to be dragged back? I assume she'll break out, find out something relevant, then return, but assumptions aren't good enough. As far as I can tell now, her whole time on earth was absolutely useless. Indeed, I would have preferred her being on the run in her realm, so that I'd find out a lot more about it. On earth, nothing of real importance happened. To me it seems basically like filler.


I recommend you focus on what's really important. Once you know what's really important, rearrange things so that we're presented first with what's vital (setting, characters, plot etc). Cut down on the info dump, lead us on very subtly. Give your chapters clarity is what I'm trying to say here.

Hope this helped
-Louis

User avatar
AmethystNight
Review
AmethystNight wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

This is a good piece. I won't comment on the story much because I haven't read what comes before this. I think that the pace of this chapter is good and you have built tension well. You also deal well with the faster pace of the action bit.

Yet Kira…she presented a problem, a challenge for

Ok, so there are a couple of things here that are mainly personal preferences on my part. Firstly, I think that yet maybe isn't the right word here - I feel that but would work better. Also, I wouldn't use the elipsis. A comma does an equally good job but is a little more grown up.
The other thing I would look at is the fact that you use commas before ands sometimes that just aren't needed. Commas are for lists and and subordinating clauses. Ands combine two sentences into one. They don't really go together. Really, the only time a comma and an and go together is when you have what I can only describe as a double and moment. Eg, Add the eggs, the sugar and butter, and the flour. Here you need the comma because the sugar and butter are comined and it would be confusing to read without the comma.
You've presented Obsidian quite well - I get the cruel vibe off him. I hope that's how you want him to be viewed. All in all, it's a good piece. Good work.

User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review
PenguinAttack wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hey!
Oh man, this is going to be a complete info dump, isn’t it? Right now we’ve had three paragraphs of info dump. Awkward info dump as well – do your thoughts run like this? If he is planning on being a Moderator, it would stand to reason that why and how they disappeared would be innately important to everything he wants to achieve.

He wasn’t done yet, but everything was going according to plan, everything except capturing Kira, and now, he was ready to embark in his pursuit of the prey that had mysteriously disappeared. Yet her disappearance was no longer a mystery to him, and he knew how he would set about regaining the last Key. All he had to do was calm himself, and then he would go.

What? You’re basically saying “it’s this but not this and this but also not this” and it’s super awkward to read. Really think through these thoughts you’re giving him, because right now he just seems like a confused nut. Actually, you could call him a very typical villain and typical bad guys are the most boring bad guys you can get. Is he going to say “oh no, foiled again!” at some point?! I’d love that.

Another awkward and unannounced alteration of scene and character. Seriously.

““Obsidian.” she whispered disbelievingly.” < What does disbelievingly sound like?!

ALSO NO. He can’t already be there. What? Nothing’s happened, we’re seconds after she disappeared still? Like, is there no time delay, what is happening here? We’re seriously only maybe half an hour since she fell through the dimension. At that point Obsidian knew nothing about the dimensions or how to get through them, but in that time they’ve captured someone else and also he has worked it out and moving forward? Noooo. Not believable at all right now.

What? Raina’s loss? Seriously? She’s not thinking about how this kid is now dead right in front of her. No ‘It’s my fault!’ no ‘how did he get here?!?!?!’

Oh man. Your story just... none of this is making sense in the way of people’s responses. Obsidian is nuts, Kira and Caden are nuts. Is she like, twelve, by the way? Because she is petulant and also ridiculous.

Why can’t she get out of the cell the same way? Is it about nature and the garden? Is he lying, this is all very very confusing I don’t even.

You seriously need to sort out your timeline, because right now none of it makes proper sense. Everything is happening too quickly with too little context. I know magic is always a good excuse but you need to give us some bases before you can tell us magic did it all. And please consider the emotions of these people. They seem like tiny sections of the same person just rolling around together in situations.

Til the next one!
-Penguin.



more fish is always superior to less fish
— Shady