Main Story, Chapter 3
Clayton smiled at Kira empathetically while Landon took his time leaving, then breathed out a long sigh when the boy was gone. “Well, hello again Kira.” he said.
“Hello again.” she replied quietly.
“So you recognized me.” he said under his breath. She gasped and almost jumped out of her seat, and he said, “Yes, I am Caden, or would have been.”
“What do you mean, ‘would have been’?” she asked, her voice catching in her throat.
“I died, Kira.” he said factually. “I died in our world. Here, I’m still alive.”
“But how did you get into this world?” Kira said, searching his face. “And how do we get back?”
“I can’t explain how I got into this world any more than you can. But Kira,” he said gently, his eyes trying to convey the comfort he couldn’t voice, “I can’t go back with you, even if I could get you back. I died in that world.”
“Then could I stay in this world with you?” Kira said hopefully.
Clayton, or now Caden, looked off into distance. “You could.” he said thoughtfully. “You really didn’t run into the tree, but that’s what Landon’s mind told him happened to explain how you just appeared in his world. That also explains, in their eyes, why you have ‘memories’ of your past life. It doesn’t answer all the problems, such as who your parents are or where you live, but it’s a start.”
Kira jumped as something furry brushed up against her leg. She looked under the table, and saw a pair of sky blue eyes peering back up into hers. The cat blinked, then jumped up into her lap. “Who’s this?” she asked, stroking its head.
“That’s Fe, Raina’s cat.” Caden said, looking at the seal-point Siamese rubbing his head against her shirt.
“He’s cute.” Kira said, scratching his chin. The cat began to purr, then decided it had had enough petting and curled up in her lap and fell asleep.
“Yes, he is, for a pet. And Kira,” Caden said gently, nudging her eyes back up with his voice, “I want you to remember that it’s okay to cry. I don’t want an empty shell surviving and have no way to bring you back out.”
“Well, like you said before, ‘Survive first, cry later.’” Kira replied, a tear slipping down her cheek. Caden leaned forward and softly brushed it away.
“That is just to keep you alive.” he said, his voice tender. “I want you to promise me you’ll let yourself out of survival mode when this is all over, okay?”
“Okay.” Kira replied softly.
“Okay.” Caden echoed gently. “Don’t forget that Keys are stronger.” Kira smiled. “Back to the problem of where you’ll live. For now, you can stay with me, if you decide to remain in this world. But if you want to go back, we’ll have to start figuring out how to make that happen.”
Kira looked at Caden in disbelief, her mouth falling open slightly. “You think I want to go back? My parents are dead, Obsidian took over the government, and you’ll be dead in that world. Not to mention that he can’t achieve his goal without me, and if I’m here and not there, then he can’t win. If I stay here, I may not know many people, but that will change with time.” she said a little angrily, then added less harshly, “And you’ll be here too.”
Caden smiled. “You won’t miss your old home?” he asked.
“Not the way it is now.” she said, shaking her head. “I may miss it, but there’s nothing to go back to. And I’m safer here, right?”
“Let’s hope so.” Caden said, glancing over at the far wall, a distant look in his eyes. He refocused, and looked back at Kira resolutely. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t do everything I can to protect you here, like I did before.”
Landon walked in the kitchen. “Are you two done?” he asked. “Because my mom wants to know if Kira wants to go to the store with me to get some milk.”
“Yes, I think we’re done for now.” Caden said, smiling at Kira as he stood up. “We’ll talk later, okay?”
“All right.” Kira said, watching as Fe jumped off her lap and ran out of the kitchen.
“See you later, Landon. Bye, Kira.” Caden said as he walked out of the kitchen and let himself out of the apartment.
“So, do you want to go to the store with me?” Landon said excitedly.
“Sure. Why not?” Kira said, smiling tiredly as she got up.
“All right, we move in low and fast.” the sergeant said to the group of soldiers behind him. “We need to get to Seth before the gypsies realize what’s happening.”
“But, sir, how are we going to capture him without starting a war with the gypsies? We’re invading their settlement and kidnapping one of their own from their perspective.” one of the soldiers said.
“Yes, I know that.” the sergeant replied, rubbing his face in an agitated manner. “And you’re not the only one who hates this stupid mission to go get a rogue elf who considers himself a gypsy. I’m not concerned about the gypsies putting up much of a fight; it’s Seth I’m more worried about causing trouble. We’ve kept an eye on him since he left the Guard and joined the gypsies, and he’s definitely gotten better as a fighter. But he’s also developed a soft spot.” the sergeant added, his eyes gleaming wickedly. The sergeant had a full squad of six high-function scouts under his command, sitting just outside the perimeter of the gypsy settlement. He rolled out their field map, a rough sketch of where the buildings were, with several paths outlined in dotted lines. “We’re here,” he said, pointing to the marker that indicated where they were to begin the mission. “Seth’s hut is here, thirty paces in. Avoid making contact until I give the signal, and do not draw your weapons until I say to engage. That will keep the remaining gypsies guessing long enough for us to secure Seth and get out. Now, you all know the description of the Soft Spot?” Six heads nodded in confirmation. “Good. All right, Aleph and Betor move out. I’ll go with Cine. Let’s go!”
The elves split up, the two scouts in Aleph pair heading north, the two in Betor silently gliding to the south. The sergeant led the Cine pair into the gypsy settlement, down the rows of cottages and shacks that the gypsies lived in. The settlement was eerily quiet as they crept down the beaten dirt pathway, but Obsidian had made sure to wait until the majority of the gypsies would be gone into the desert on their biannual celebration of the tribes. Only the women with small children, or those who were expecting a child, remained in the settlement. This year, only two families besides Seth had remained behind; Seth was still not a ‘full-blood’ gypsy, since he hadn’t been with the tribe for five years yet. His square hut was the only one with red paint on it, a fading brick red color that made it stand out, signifying his rising importance in the tribe. The sergeant and the two scouts following him crouched behind a hut two over from Seth’s, and watched and waited for the other four scouts to get into position. The sergeant waited patiently, then sensed more than saw the four blurs that were the scouts establishing a perimeter around their query’s home. He nodded to the two behind him, and they spread out to complete the ring around Seth’s hut. The sergeant waited to a count of three, then sprinted over to Seth’s front door. He stopped in front of it, his balled fist poised to knock, but waited for two breaths as the squad tightened the ring, effectively sealing off Seth’s escape routes. The sergeant drew his sword, then kicked in the hut’s door. He stepped in, and two things registered in his mind: the first, that Seth was completely unprepared, the raid unexpected as planned; and the second that Seth wasn’t alone. Seth was kneeling next to a reclined figure on the ground, his long sword and shield strapped across his back. Always prepared, the sergeant thought as he saw Seth. The hut was dimly lit, the straw window blinds let in thin slats of light, illuminating little around the two cots laying on the ground. Seth spun around, drawing his sword and shield in one smooth motion.
“Hello, Seth.” the sergeant said, watching his opponent carefully as they sized each other up. “I assume you’re not going to come quietly. You do know why we’ve come, don’t you?”
“Good to see you too, snake.” Seth said, gliding in between the sergeant and the bronze-skinned girl sitting wide-eyed on the second mat. Her coppery-gold hair was unkempt, as if she’d just woken up, and her golden eyes shone with a little fear, but even more resolve. “Glad to see you haven’t changed your tactics since I left the Guard.”
“There was no need to.” the sergeant said, smiling. “You’re still as predictable as ever.” he jeered, angling between Seth and the doorway, though he knew Seth wouldn’t run as long as the girl was still in the hut.
“And you’re still as stupid as ever, Masa.” Seth taunted. “Coming in here by yourself? Really? When did they teach you that in battle school?”
“That was the section about empty threats.” Masa retorted, swinging his sword point towards his opponent. Seth readjusted his shield as if he meant to charge, and Masa shook his head disappointedly. “Come on, Seth, you know there’s not enough room to fight in here, especially not with her.” he said, eyeing the girl behind Seth.
“You even think about touching her, and I’ll gut you faster than you can blink.” Seth growled, rotating his sword in his hand.
“Seth, you know I never come alone.” Masa said, taking a step forward menacingly. “I have enough men with me to burn this cesspool to the ground several times over. It’s about time we got rid of the vermin.” he said, again looking at the gypsy behind Seth. Seth’s face tightened, and his knuckles turned white from squeezing the sword.
“Your mother would be proud, you son of a coward.” Seth hissed. Masa’s grin vanished, and his necked bulged in anger.
“Well, let’s see if your sword can defend her as well as your words.” Masa spat, lunging at Seth. He swung, and Seth simply slammed his shield into the sword’s hilt, throwing Masa off balance. Masa threw himself back and rolled through the open doorway, springing lightly to his feet. Seth stood in the doorway, sword barring the entrance.
“You lose, Masa.” Seth said emphatically, glaring angrily at the dusty sergeant. “Now go away and don’t come back, before I lose my patience.”
Masa glanced quickly at the sides of the hut, then smiled and absently brushed the dust off his shirt with his free hand. “Seth, really, your words are unbecoming of you. You won’t even come out and fight like a man.”
“I’m not a fool, Masa.” Seth said, watching him suspiciously and shifting his weight back farther into the hut. “You brought backup. If I go out, they go in, and she’d be unprotected.”
“Very astute, Seth. You know, we could really use someone like you back in the force. I’m sure Obsidian would be willing to overlook your previous offences as immaturity, and he might even let you keep the gypsy wench.” Masa said, trying to goad Seth.
“Not on your life.” Seth declared, still focused on the threat at hand.
“No? Then what about hers?” Masa asked triumphantly, pointing into the hut. Seth spun, and saw two scouts standing with knives at her throat, two more at the windows with bows trained on his back. The scouts had stuffed a gag in the girl’s mouth, and had bound her hands behind her back.
“Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.” Masa said, now firmly in control of the situation. “Either you come with us and she stays alive, or you fight us and she dies. Which will it be?” he asked as he walked over towards the elf, whose sword had lowered to the ground in defeat. Seth looked up into Masa’s eyes, a stare filled with venom.
“I’ll go.” Seth said harshly, his voice laced with undisguised hatred. “But I swear, Masa, if she gets hurt, you will pay.”
“We’ll see about that. But first I need you to accompany me and these fine gentlemen to the city. You should be honored: the new ruler of Eldia wants to meet you.” Masa said, smiling in twisted pleasure.
“You mean the new tyrant.” Seth said antagonistically.
“Just drop the sword, Seth. You don’t want her to get hurt, now do you?” Masa said, shrugging his shoulders, unconcerned.
End of chapter
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Hullos!
Chapter three.
If Clayton is Caden how is he living in two worlds? You mentioned in your previous chapter Clayton coming in to return the book and Raina introducing him as a neighbour. So that implies that Clayton has been living in this dimension for sometime. If you did mean the neighbour thing to an illusion like Landon saying that Kira ran into the wall, then why would he be returning a book. How does Clayton know he/Canden is dead.You want the story to have some realism, and not fit to your comfort. I suggest you tweak that because, honestly, that is a lot of loopholes.
“Don’t forget that Keys are stronger.”
Who are the Keys? Its a unnecessary thing to mention if you are not going to explain the significance of it.
You need to use a line break when you shift from two dimensions.
We’re invading their settlement and kidnapping one of their own from their perspective.”
It is oddly phrased. SOmething like this would sound better-
From their perspective we’re invading their settlement and kidnapping one of their own.
Now, you all know the description of the Soft Spot
Again, what is Soft Spot? Before when you mentioned Seth having a soft spot I thought you meant someone he liked or something. But here, it is capitalized hence I'm lost.
As I already said, add more life to the dialogues.
Overall, it was a good chapter. I'm off to read the next one.
Hi again knight dragon.
The intro seems to be a very forced way to show Cayden has emotions, and Kira evidently looks up to him. Again, I am surprised at how in-stride she takes all of this, instead of being in catatonic stupor or almost. How remarkable. How does she know Obsidian has taken the government? From what we know, she was simply running away. I'm still not quite sure why she was running, you haven't explained yet. After the totally not contrived moment between Cayden and Kira, there's a totally not contrived transition to Obsidian, where the tyrant and usurper is dealing with...
...gypsies? What? Where did Seth pop up from? This entire chapter is devoted to this gypsy community, straying again on an info dump (when the sergeant talks, he reveals quite a lot about Seth, even going so far as describing his personality), while we still have no real idea what's going on back in earth. It's very confusing. I get Seth will be relevant later on in the story, but perhaps now is not the right time to introduce him? I definitely don't think it's a natural transition.
How? Does a hut not have walls? Do they break through them? That's a flimsy hut. But if they do, at least tell us. I am also wondering if Masa is a curse word. Two people so far have been called it.
I recommend focusing on what's really important in this chapter. If you're going to focus on Kira and so forth, give more space for them, tell us, with clarity, what's going on. If Seth needs to be introduced now, speed that up, on the other hand. There are a lot of hefty chapters which contain information that seems to be a bit forced. Cut down on that, and give us more action.
Hope this helped
-Louis
Howdy!
Straight into it, I think;
How do you smile empathetically? Empathy is to feel for someone similar feelings to what they are feeling. Sympathy, on the other hand, is to feel pity for them. Why is she gasping and jumping? She already knows.
Why does Clayton know about Caden if he isn’t the same person? Like, if he lives in two places why doesn’t Kira also?
What? Why would she want that? That makes no sense at all.
This is an example of info dumping. Also why would a sergeant discuss this with a team member? That’s hardly professional (I had the same issue in chapter two but forgot to mention it! Why must Obsidian blab to his captain? It’s so unnecessary).
Antagonistically isn’t really... you could say he antagonised but what would you say antagonistically is actually like? That’s too subjective for us to understand clearly.
Your cuts between scenes aren’t indicated at all except for the literal change which is very confusing – you either need to have better chapter breaks or you need to add in some kind of change of scene indication. The sergeant’s dialogue is really, really awkward and unrealistic. Think to yourself – would you ever say that? Even to your worst enemy? In that way? Reading this out loud would probably help you see where the most awkward parts are. Also consider what a sergeant is really like, this guy seems really... emotional and easy to distract, there’s no sense of focus in him at all. This coupled with the info dumping just makes him seem like a character who is only there to enforce transitions in narrative plot.
I think you’re slowly developing a sense of what you want to say and it’s a matter of cleaning it up and working out exactly what kind of expression is needed. Try making your characters definitely different – they all feel a little like the same person at the moment, and give us some kind of physical, vocal or emotional traits so we can tell them apart a little more easily.
Looking forward to the next section!
- Penguin.
You've upped your game a tiny bit. At least this time we get some action. My main focus will be on your dialogue.
EXAMPLE:
If you were standing in the doorway to protect your true love, standing against a man who could do away with her in one fell swoop of soldiers, would you say something that cheesy? There are a lot of instances of classic shonen dialogue in here, and I have to chastise you for using them. You need fresh dialogue, something the reader hasn't had on their tongue before. For every instance of dialogue, stop and put yourself in the situation of the character. Your thoughts, feelings, emotions--let them guide what you say. This will always keep things fresh, especially in the way characters say their lines. You'll have fewer 'said's and more 'yelled', more 'cried', etc.
My secondary advice for this chapter is your use of Seth's lover/wife as an object. She gets no lines, she gets no movement--she's just an object for the men to use for or against their advantage. It's sloppy characterization, and it takes away from the scene, not having her say anything. Even a soft, "...Seth?" or a reference to what she calls him in her native tongue would be perfect. Anything to evoke feelings.
Keep working on it.
ETA: Work on learning your fighting styles. It could add some missing flair to the combat.