Kira's Story, Chapter 2

by dragonfphoenix

Published September 28, 2013

E - Everyone

In Kira's Story

Main Story, Chapter 2

“Tell me, Captain, what do you think happened to Kira?” the tall, well-built man standing in the newly-acquired throne room asked, his back to the officer behind him as he stood gazing at the stain-glass windows behind the dead monarch’s seat.
“Well, sir, I’m not really sure.” the captain said uncomfortably, uncertain what his leader wanted from him.
“Oh, come now, Captain, I don’t want to know what they say happened, I want to know what you think happened.” Obsidian said, making the effort to tear his gaze away from the ornate depictions of their country’s history and look at the pitiful excuse for an officer cowering before him. “You understand how important she is to me, and the success of my plans, don’t you? So I want you to conjecture, use that brain that’s gotten you so far in my ranks; humor me.”
“Well, sir, as I said, I’m not quite sure. I don’t know what to believe about what happened. It goes beyond my experience…” the captain began, shifting his wait to his other foot, but Obsidian held up his hand, silencing him.
“Captain, I have heard many stories, investigated many legends in pursuit of my goal, trying to determine if my goal was even attainable in this life, or any life for that matter. And throughout all my studies, do you know what ultimately caused brilliant plans to come crashing around their makers’ heads?” he asked, his eyes drilling the man, who seemed to shrink further into himself, trying to appear as small as possible. “Not the plans, not the planners, not even the efforts of their opposition, pathetic as those may be. No,” he said forcefully, turning back to the stain glass, “What caused them to fail every time was some inferior’s inability to follow orders. I have given you one, and you have danced around it like it was a live coal that could kill you if you touched it. There are far more dangerous things to do, Captain, than embarrass yourself in front of me: say, disobey a direct order.” He looked back over his shoulder. The soldier seemed to squirm even more, and Obsidian could envision the captain whining like a scared puppy if it wouldn’t endanger himself. “I am willing to forgive you for this one offence only because it has no immediate bearing on completing the objective; however, you now have one line. And you know what happens when an officer gets two. But regardless, the principle is still there, Captain, and I don’t want you to forget that.
“Now, are you ready to answer my question?” Obsidian asked, returning his gaze to the magnificent display of glass artwork.
“Yes, sir.” the captain said, his face relaxing slightly. “I think, sir,…”
“For efficiency you may leave out the ‘sirs’.” Obsidian commented, absently waving his hand.
“Yes, sir.” the captain said, then winced as he noticed his mistake, “Well, I believe, sir, that what happened was just what the scouts said, that she really did just vanish. I see no other explanation for it.”
“And where do you think she went?” Obsidian asked, not bothering to read the captain’s facial expression. “Surely if she left here, there must be a there to go to.”
“There could be another dimension, as some have suggested.” the captain said, his confidence returning, “Or, she could have used an illusion or a hidden tunnel, despite our not finding anything but dirt under the spot she fell at.”
“We’ve ruled out any illusion save that the girl your men pursued wasn’t Kira, and that still leaves the problem of who it was that we were chasing.” Obsidian stated, “And it’s illogical to put the royalty’s escape tunnel so far from the palace. But as you said, the grounds were investigated, and there wasn’t any evidence of a cave in, or enough time for her to fill the tunnel behind her, especially unaided. So that leaves another dimension. What are your thoughts on that, Captain?”
“The only concern I have, sir,” the captain said, “is how she would have accessed this alternate dimension. I know of no device that can do so; not even the alchemists have theorized such a device as possible with our current technology.”
“So either she had access to a device far more advanced than any we know of, the origins of this device being unknown, or she did not have any means of procuring such an escape on her own, and someone else helped her access this alternate dimension.” Obsidian said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “What about the Moderators?”
“The Moderators?” the captain echoed, caught slightly off guard. “At the risk of sounding biased, sir, they are just a myth. Our philosophers long ago proved that…”
“That such beings were not the gods our ancestors said they were.” Obsidian stated firmly, spinning on the captain, who jumped involuntarily. “True, there was too much discord among them and some minor inconsistencies with our view of them, but we can’t rule out the fact that they might exist simply because they didn’t live up to our expectations.”
“So you’re suggesting that the Moderators are the beings behind her disappearance?” the captain asked cautiously as he recovered from his instinctive reaction.
“They fit the description of who could have abducted her straight out of our world.” Obsidian said, turning back to the colorful display, “They are supposed to be able to change our world, mess with its inner workings. They are not all-powerful, but they are more powerful than we are, and it is not that far of a stretch to say that perhaps they live in a dimension higher than, or at least separate from, our own. Who are we to say that they could not spirit someone away if they felt inclined to do so?”
“But sir, that means we’d be fighting an enemy we can’t beat.” the captain said, concern lacing his voice.
“Not for long.” Obsidian said, a grin gently enveloping his face. “At least, until we get Kira back. But first, let’s get Seth, shall we?”

“So where are you from?” Raina, Landon’s mom, asked as they sat at the table in the apartment’s kitchen. Landon had strewn his schoolbooks all over the table, and sat looking at Kira while she sipped the water his mom had given her.
“Not from here.” she said, glancing between the mother and son. Her eyebrows furrowed as she noticed some defect on the mom, then jerked slightly as she saw the same defect on Landon.
“What’s wrong?” Raina asked her, seeing her confused look.
“Nothing.” she said, reaching up to touch the tops of her ears. Her face paled when she did, and she brought her hands silently back to her lap.
“Is something wrong, dear?” Raina asked, concerned. “Do your ears hurt?”
“No,” Kira said, “But they’re round.”
“Of course they are.” Landon said. “All humans have round ears. Why? Did you expect something else?”
“Human?” Kira said quietly. “But I’m not human.” she said, reaching up to touch her ears again, as if she didn’t believe what her hands had told her the first time.
“You look human to me.” Landon said, smiling.
“Landon, hush.” Raina chided. “Well then what are you?” she asked her.
“I’m an elf.” Kira said, feeling foolish the moment she said it.
“Man, you must have hit your head really hard.” Landon said, laughing.
“Landon, first of all, she’s a girl; and secondly, shush and let her speak.” his mother scolded. She turned back to Kira and said, “Tell us why you think that.”
“You wouldn’t believe me.” Kira said, leaning back suspiciously, ready to run at a moment’s notice.
“Nonsense,” Raina said. “I really am curious what your story is. If you tell us, we might be able to help you. Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“Well, my name is Kira Stormtree, and I was running from the palace with my protector, Caden, from the traitors serving Obsidian.” she glanced down at her hands and started absently rubbing the blue birthmark on her palm, fighting back a tear. “He didn’t make it.” She looked back up and brushed it away, regaining control of her emotions. “He was hit by an arrow as we fled. I ran on, and entered the Imperial Gardens and fell down. I must have passed out, because when I opened my eyes I was in this world…Indy, I think you called it.”
“Well, we call it Earth, but Indy’s the city.” Landon interjected. Raina glared at him and he was silent.
“Go on,” Raina coaxed. “Why was this man, Obsidian, after you?”
“I’d rather not say.” Kira said, looking back down at the blue mark on her hand. She absently extended the fingers of her right hand, then clenched them tightly into a fist.
Oblivious of Kira’s actions, Landon jokingly said, “Because she’s the princess.”
“Landon…” his mother said in her warning voice.
“He’s partly right.” Kira said, carefully wording her response. She really was the princess, but her instincts told her that she shouldn’t go telling that to every person she met. “I am a member of the royal family, perhaps the last survivor. But that’s not why he was after me.”
A knock sounded on the door, and Raina stood up. “Well, we can talk about this later if you want.” she said, smiling comfortingly. “And, Kira, if you’re in our world, he can’t get to you here.” She walked out of the kitchen and went to answer the door.
“So you’re from another world, and you’re an elf.” Landon said, neither mockingly nor with conviction. “Cool.”
“You don’t believe me, and you think I’m mad.” Kira said accusingly.
“I didn’t say…Hi, Clayton.” Landon greeted the person who walked into the kitchen behind Kira. She turned to look at the visitor, and gasped in recognition.
“Caden?” she said, disbelievingly. Relief turned into excitement, and she quickly clamped down on it. She didn’t need to violate the principles Caden had taught her to keep herself alive, especially if this stranger really was her old mentor and protector.
“Close. Clayton.” he said, smiling. He handed the book in his hand to Landon. “Thanks for letting me borrow it.”
“No prob.” Landon replied, twisting around the back of his chair and stuffing it into his crammed backpack.
“Who’s your friend?” Clayton asked as he sat down next to Landon. Kira glanced up as he asked, and his eyes said he already knew.
“Her name’s Kira.” Raina said, coming back into the kitchen. “She’s…”
“An elf, from another world.” Landon interrupted energetically.
“Oh really?” Clayton said, looking at Landon in mock surprise. “Well, hello Kira.”
“Hello.” Kira said softly, letting her gaze fall back into her lap. She didn’t want him seeing the tears that were silently forming in her eyes, and her resolve to stay strong was silently slipping away. The last thing she wanted to do was start bawling in front of these people.
“Clayton is our neighbor across the hall.” Raina said, laying a comforting hand on Kira’s shoulder. “Are you okay, Kira? Clayton can come back later if you’re uncomfortable.”
“No, I’m fine.” she said, looking up and smiling confidently. “Really.”
“Raina, do you mind if I talk with Kira alone?” Clayton asked, then glanced back at Kira, “If that’s okay with you.” he added quickly.
“Yes, that’s fine.” Kira said.
“Come on, Landon, you need to clean your room.” Raina said, walking out of the kitchen.
“But Mom, Dad doesn’t come home till six, and I don’t have to clean it till he gets home.” he objected.
“Landon.” Raina said firmly, crossing her arms and giving Landon a warning look. Grumbling, Landon gathered up his schoolbooks and slouched out of the room under the load of books

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
manisha
Review
manisha wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hi again.
manisha here for chapter two.

the captain began, shifting his wait to his other foot
wait is weight. Minor typo.

You have long and drab sentences. Keep them short, avoid unnecessary usage of words that the sentence will work fine without.

“Of course they are.” Landon said. “All humans have round ears. Why? Did you expect something else?”

I suggest you leave at-
“Of course they are.” Landon said.
The rest sounds odd.

“Well, my name is Kira Stormtree, and I was running from the palace with my protector, Caden, from the traitors serving Obsidian.” she glanced down at her hands and started absently rubbing the blue birthmark on her palm, fighting back a tear. “He didn’t make it.” She looked back up and brushed it away, regaining control of her emotions. “He was hit by an arrow as we fled. I ran on, and entered the Imperial Gardens and fell down. I must have passed out, because when I opened my eyes I was in this world…Indy, I think you called it.”

For someone suspicious she seems ready to let out everything. I'm not suggesting you remove it. Maybe you could add Kira's thoughts here. Something where she was hesitant to answer the question but decided to do it anyway.

“Raina, do you mind if I talk with Kira alone?” Clayton asked, then glanced back at Kira, “If that’s okay with you.” he added quickly.

“Yes, that’s fine.” Kira said.

“Come on, Landon, you need to clean your room.” Raina said, walking out of the kitchen.

“But Mom, Dad doesn’t come home till six, and I don’t have to clean it till he gets home.” he objected.

“Landon.” Raina said firmly, crossing her arms and giving Landon a warning look. Grumbling, Landon gathered up his schoolbooks and slouched out of the room under the load of books

It sounds like Raina knows what's going on. If that isn't the case then it's strange she would let Kira alone with Clayton.

And I agree with Black. If this is another dimension, Kira MUST notice the difference.

To the dialogues. There is a lot of work that has to been done on them. They seem so lifeless(if you get what I mean). Make the dialogues strong. The same applies to the characters. They need life if you want them to have an impact. Make them think. Let them have personal thoughts. Not just say.
for example-
“Caden?” she said, disbelievingly. Relief turned into excitement, and she quickly clamped down on it.

A lot can be done here to 'show' Kira's disbelief.
"Caden?" she said, her eyes widening as she looked at the boy.
This is just an example.

User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hey there knight dragon!

This chapter is basically an info dump. You'd think Obsidian has already taken steps to ascertain what's going on, right? And you'd think they'd know what the moderators are. There's no need for Obsidian to specify, if they're that relevant, their very name should send chills down the other guy's back. By keeping things mysterious, telling us only what is really necessary, you keep the suspense up, and make us quite curious too. Now, basically, all I read was "things from the past explanations blah blah info dump blah". Keep things minimal. Remember, the characters are talking among themselves, not to the readers. We are spectators, but not necessarily the audience.

Furthermore, I am again prompted to ask what drives Kira to reveal crucial information to complete strangers? Is the mother not concerned? Idk, in her place, I'd call the police and or the asylum. The sudden skip from the general to Landon and Kira was really confusing also. You should get rid of most of the info dump in the first part, and probably rethink the second one entirely.

Hope this helped
-Louis

User avatar
Blackwood
Review
Blackwood wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

You have so much speech lines where you missed. It looks terrible.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO START SPEECH ON A NEW LINE.


Ok As I was reading this I decided something. You just have't established anything well enough I'm talking about this chapter and the last.
Who is Kira? Sure we get she is running away from guards. She could be anyone, an escaped slave, a assassin who just killed someone, a member of the royal family, a demon who had been posing as the member of the royal family, a anonymous killer who likes to murder people via writing their name in a notebook.
Unfortunately, because of her name, the latter is what I think the most.

I am 100% confused between the two worlds. Is this Landon world supposed to be a modern setting because it seems it is because he refers to his mother in a modern and informal fashion. If it is you need to emphasis how the world is alien from Kiras world. You need her to notice the strange clothes, the strange structures and utensils. You need to acknowledge this even if its the same timezone.


One character that I like is Obsidian. You seem to be focusing on him, I want to know more about him, who he is, what he's doing. I connect more with him than I do with your main characters because I can relate to his frustration. I can relate to things escaping from me and getting away.
Take this into mind. I, the reader,relate more with your villain than your main character.


You have no paragraph break between the scenes. I was like "what?" It changed. You need a paragraph break something like ~~~~~ or ******* or _______

User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review
PenguinAttack wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Hullo there!

To begin with; I am interested in what you have here, interested enough to keep reading it, certainly, you obviously have a concept of plot you want to expound here. Be careful of using too many typical elements (magic princess elf + love triangle ugh love triangle). Some basic nitpicks below!

““Of course they are.” Landon said. “All humans have round ears. Why? Did you expect something else?”” Unless you intend this to foreshadow Landon’s knowledge of the other dimension then it would be appropriate for him to say “everyone has” rather than ‘all humans’, because it is an unnecessary clarification. On the line a couple below, her mum says that Kira is a girl – so? What has that to do with anything?

Raina obviously knows stuff but right now this is all feeling super super weird and coincidental. It might be because you haven’t opened us up to the worlds right now – why does she know what an elf is, if they acknowledge that there only “might” be other dimensions? Also why isn't she freaking out a bit more her AND Kira, why aren't they more weirded out by what is happening?

Is Obsidian the same as Masa? And why would Clayton be Caden if Caden died? I know you're going to explain it but it's so confusing right now and there's no real reason to move forward for us except that I'd like to know what you've done here. Consider establishing some more motives for us to actually want to read more. Kira isn't particularly interesting, you haven't described her at all or the people she has met, and I know nothing about the world she's come from really.

Chu is right about the info dumping, you're repeating things that would have been clear in the chapter before hand - which ARE clear there, although I am wondering about why the characters seem to have several names, is that necessary?

I look forward to following on to the next chapter.
Thanks for the read!

- Penguin.

User avatar
Lumi
Review
Lumi wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Yo, Drag. You posted a lot of stuff today. Let's start digging.

I hope you don't mind me being very blunt about this chapter. I'm always blunt with my reviews, so don't take it personally.

This entire chapter is one long bore. I didn't read Chapter 1, and I didn't need to because the entirety of this chapter is an info dump, constantly throwing precious plot items at the reader that could've been strung throughout the whole of the story so beautifully. But no, we don't get that. We get walls of boring dialogue with no action, no imagery (beyond the stained glass) and nothing to remember from this chapter except loads of information.

It's not particularly your fault. It's a common mistake with newer authors, and pacing is a problem facing all authors, regardless of time spent in the field. Honestly, I would've liked to see MUCH more of Kira with her newfound earth family without her secret being told. I want to see that relationship form to the point where Kira can open up to them. I want to see the development behind Raina and Landon, and I want more of this section because it is less boring. I'm interested by these characters. I have no reason right now to care/dislike Obsidian or his captain or the Moderators. Take your time and build these characters for your reader because we can't read what's in your head to make you love them. We only see what's written.

Jager



Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman