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[D]ead Chapter One - It's Started

by Veltrion


Chapter One - It's Started

Ren: (I was sleeping like usual…my older brother went out for trip. In the house now only left both of my parent, my younger sister and me. As usual, my mother wake up early in the morning, clean up yesterday leftover and prepare for the morning market. The time she went to the market, my younger sister should be ready to go school and I was showering. The reason that I woke up so early is because to start preparing staff with my friend for our party this Saturday. When my mother came back…Unexpectedly, my brother came back too.)

Ren's Mother: Lin, stop watching television. Quickly come and have your breakfast!

Ren: Bro is home.

Lin: I thought he said he will be reaching home at noon?

Ren went opening door for his brother..

Ren: Why so early?

Ren's Brother: I thought things at there should be done by this morning but things went very well and done on yesterday so I can come back earlier.

Lin: Any gift for me?

Ren's Brother: Of course, here you go.

Lin: It's a brand new phone, just came out last week. I was wondering whether should save money for it or not but now..No need anymore. Thanks~!

Ren: How about me?

Ren's Brother: Nothing.

Ren: Why?

Ren's Brother: Because you are lazy. You stopped studying and slacked for so long. Ask you to find a job many times but don't want. Everyday stay at home play whole day. You think this kind of life can still go on until you old?

Ren: What..!?

Ren's Mother collapsed..

Lin: Mum!

Ren's brother rushed and holds their mother.

Ren's Brother: What happened?

Ren's Mother: I don't know, I felt like my whole body is burning now.

Lin: It's so hot on mum's body.

Ren: Quickly call the am..bulance…

Ren's Brother: She stopped breathing.

Ren: What!?

Ren's Father went down from second floor, went to the kitchen and took breakfast. Eat while walking to them.

Ren's Father: Why so noisy early in the morning?

Ren: Don't know..

Lin: Mum [Crying..]

Ren's Father: She passed away? But how come!?What just happened!?Why didn't call for the ambulance?

Ren's Brother: The time we wanted to call..She already left..

Ren's Father: Arrgghh!

Ren: Now what!?

Ren's Father collapsed as well.

Ren's Brother: Why even dad are..

Ren: I know, Lin! Did you eat the breakfast just now?

Lin: Nope, I didn't have time to...because on the same time big bro is back.

Ren's Brother: And dad just ate the breakfast.

Ren: That means the food is poisonous.

Lin: What we have to do now… [Crying...]

Ren's Brother: We still have to call for ambulance..

Ren: I will call...

The time Ren took his phone..

Lin: Mum..?

Ren: Huh!?

Ren's Brother: Mum is waking up!?

Lin: Mum!

Ren's Brother: Something is wrong! Lin, go away!

Lin: Why?

Ren's Brother: Go away!

Ren's Brother pushed Lin away and..

Ren: What was that?

Ren's Brother: Ren, I hate to say this but..Take care of Lin from now on.

Ren: Why? What are you doing? Why mum bit you? Don't tell me..

Ren's Brother holds his mum and dad then tie them on the chair..

Ren's Brother: Ren, you should know what will happen next.

Ren: It's happening..

Ren's Brother: Yeah..It is. Remember that don't use vehicle yet. Grab whatever you can from the house now. Take my backpack with you. My company is researching on the machine inside there and it works very well. The accuracy of the machine is nearly up to 98 percentages. That machine can help you to estimate which food is good for human health and which is bad. And now..Tie me.

Lin: Bro too?

Ren: I will seal the entrance of the house when I leave.

Ren's Brother: Remember, the reason behind all these are still unknown..Be careful.

Their father open eyes and..

Ren's Brother: One more thing, inside that backpack have a pair of magnum and 4 piles of bullet for emergency.

Ren: Thanks for everything..

Ren's Brother: Lin, go! Listen to Ren.

Lin: No..I don't want to leave!

Ren's Brother: Ren!

Ren dragged her sister, Lin out of the house and locked them inside..

Lin: Mum! Dad..!Bro…

Ren: Don't like that, Lin.

Lin: What make them become like that!?

Ren: We still don't know now but we will know if we continue surviving.

Lin: But where should we go?

Ren: Let's try phoning others.

Ren took out his phone and start calling his friends..

Ren: The line is busy. Cant went through to anyone.

Lin: What to do now..?

Ren: We need to find a place that is safe first. I know where we should go already. We will go there by walking.

Lin: Why?

Ren: The road should be stuck by now.

Lin: Okay then..

Ren: Let's use the small road while I keep trying to phone others see if I can connect to them..

Both of them walked to a bridge..

Lin: Ren..There...

Ren: Good timing.

Lin: Huh?

Ren: We will make a test on that thing.

Lin: Test? What kind of test?

Ren: I read and watched many kind of these situation happened before.

Lin: Really?

Ren: On television.

Lin: (…)

Ren: I just want to know what they will react to.

Ren took a stone and throw it behind of that thing.

Lin: It turned back!

That thing faced back to them..

Ren: They should be reacting according to sound, their eyes might be weak but ears are sharp.

Lin: That thing is coming over here..What should we do?

Ren: I always wanted to do this.

Lin: What?

Ren: We has to be use to it soon..

Ren took a rock and rushed toward that thing..

Lin: Ren!

Ren: The world has changed for now, we have to be strong, brave and fast starting from now. The surviving skills are what you need! If your heart is soft, the next thing happen is you will become one of them. Of course, I won't let that happen.

Lin: Is that thing still moving?

Ren: Huh?

Ren smashed that thing head with the rock he use to attack that thing earlier.

Ren: No more, lets get going..

Lin: Oh…

Ren: By the way, try to phone your friend see if you can connect to any of them.

Lin: Why we need to find people?

Ren: We need more people in this situation now, the more people around with us, the safer the place will be.

Lin: Okay..I will give it a try.

Suddenly someone answered Ren's phone..

Ren: Hey! Anyone there!?

Yin: Ren?

Ren: Yeah! I'm Ren..Where are you now, Yin?

Yin: At the car park behind our school now.

Ren: Is there anyone around you?

Yin: Yes.

Ren: How many?

Yin: At least more than ten people here.

Ren: On my way going there. Let's go, Lin!

Yin: Don't hang up, Ren..

Ren: Huh?

Yin: Just don't hang up..

Ren: Where is Lenz? He is not with you?

Yin: Nope...

Ren: Then who with you now?

Yin: I'm all alone.

Ren: Did your family..?

Yin: Yeah..

Ren: Did Lenz find you?

Yin: I don't know [Start Crying..]

Ren: Calm down, Yin! I reached here. Which floor are you in?

Yin: I'm on the third floor..But the first floor gates all have been sealed.

Ren: I saw that. Hang on a second. Follow me Lin.

Lin: How are we going to reach up there?

Yin: Is your sister with you?

Ren: Yeah..Lin go under there.

Yin: Which way are coming from?

Ren: We are coming from underground. Very less people know this place.

Yin: How do you know that?

Ren: The time I skipped school, we always came here and hide. Sometimes my friends even sleep inside here.

Yin: Not dirty inside there?

Lin: It is..I wonder how they survive sleeping here..

Yin: Haha..

Ren: We are on the first floor now.

Someone took Yin's phone..

Yin: Hey! Give that back!

Ren: Hello? Are you there, Yin? Hey!?

Someone: Who is that on the phone? Your boy?

Yin: (…)

Ren: Yin! Hey! What happened!?

Lin: Ren, go on..I will follow up behind.

Ren: Okay, be careful.

Ren rushed to third floor through the stairs..

Someone: The world is end! I can do what I want to and no one can stop me. I always wanted to rape some girls [He walk slowly toward Yin] Especially beautiful girl like you!

Yin: Don't come near me!

Someone: I will make you happy and enjoy!

Yin being forced back to the stairs door..

Someone: No more place to move! You are mine! Hahaha!

Lin: (Someone!)[Look around]

No one dare to stand up against that guy..

Someone: No one is going to help you! Here I come!

Ren: Yin!

Ren pushed the door very hard and banged that guy.

Yin: Ren! [Hug him]

Ren: It's alright now, Yin.

Someone: So..This is your boy but you are going to be my girl!

Ren: Your girl? Well..I know this very well. The world turns out upside down, sure someone like you will show up. It's all around the world. This is human mind, they thought it's like the end of the world and lost their hope so they will do whatever they want or whatever they didn't done before. Some might be crazy for it too so..Someone like you should just disappear from this world. I'm telling you! The world will not end while I'm still standing right here!

Someone: Really? That bunch of rubbish you just spill out might be true but you sure you can survive on this chaos? And with the size of yours and mine. Do you think you stand a chance going against me?

Ren: When I was in school..My calculations are always the top on my grades. The winning rate of mine is 100% or should I say that I'm wining for sure.

Someone: You are so confident..Then try eating this and recalculating!

That guy rushed towards Ren with a punch and a sound of gun just..(Bang)

Someone: What was that!?

Ren: It's a gunshot obviously. You like it?

That guy fell on the ground..

Lin: Ren..

Ren: You are here, Lin

Lin: When did you take that gun?

Ren: The time I gave you that bag.

Yin: Ren..

Ren: You are safe now..

Yin hugs Ren and started to cry again..

Ren: None of your relatives contact you?

Yin: Nope..

Ren: This is quite a suitable place to stay..But we don't have water and food resources here. Hmm..

Lin: There is a 24-hour store at there [Pointing at the 24-hour store]

Ren: Food resources..Now we need is water.

Yin: Ren, you remember that my teacher's shop?

Ren: Yeah, it's just right over there. Oh yeah! The water resources we need are there!

Lin: You mean we will go there?

Ren: Yeah! Yin, can you move?

Yin: I think so.

Ren: Let's go down.

Three of them went down through the place Ren and Lin came from..

Ren: My plan is like this..I will drive a car and park in front of that 24-hour store.

Lin: Why?

Ren: It's hard to get what we need at this time. Those things are getting crowded around here. Yin, you can drive right?

Yin: Yeah..But what you want me to do?

Ren: Drive another car and park in front of that shop?

Yin: That shop..?It's a clothing shop.

Ren: We will need extra clothes from there.

Yin: I understand. I will do it.

Ren: Let me start the engine for you.

Lin: When did you learn how to steal car?

Ren: My friend taught me..Haha.

Ren and Yin each drive a car as planned and blocked the entrance at the shop..

Yin: I'm done here.

Ren: Both of you go to Yin's teacher shop first.

Yin: Lin, follow me.

Ren went into the 24-hour store and took some oil with him.

Lin: It's a stairs inside here..

Yin: Yeah, the only way to go in and out from this shop is this door.

Ren: I'm here.

Yin: I will lock the door now.

Ren: Let's go up.

After locking the door..They went up the stairs and..

Ren: Lenz!

Lenz: Ren! Yin! How come..?

Yin went hugging Lenz..

Yin: I thought you were dead..Where have you been?

Lenz: I was here since morning when all this happen..

Ren: Only you here?

Lenz: Nope..

Ren: Who still here?

Yan: Ren! [Shocked Face]

Ren: Yan! Xin! And Wenty too. Why you girls are here..?

Wenty: We passed through here this morning and Lenz open the door to let us in..When the chaos started..

Lenz: Thanks, Ren. For bringing Yin here.

Ren: No problem. Oh! This is my younger sister, Lin.

Lin: Nice to meet you all.

Yan: Ren have a sister? It's completely different faces.

Wenty: How come Ren has such beautiful sister?

Ren: Stop that!

Yan: Haha..Just joking.

Xin: What makes you to come here?

Ren: Because we will make here our new home.

Lenz: We only have a little food left here and water that is working.

Ren: That's what we need. Water.

Yin: We have looked from that car park. There is a 24-hour store and clothing shop nearby.

Ren: We will take action during night.

Lin: Ren, why you went in that 24-hour store earlier?

Ren: Now you remind me..I went in taking these..

Yan: Cooking oil? You need those for?

Ren: Of course to prevent those thing to come second floor if that door broken. I will pour this oil on the stairs. Even a normal person would hardly come up by this way.

Ren went pouring those oil on the stairs..

Ren: (Lenz is here..) Sigh..

Wenty: Need any help?

Ren: It's okay. I can handle this.

Wenty: Quite easy..Huh?

Ren: Did you contact your family?

Wenty: Nope. The line is busy. Can't even connect to anyone..

Ren: Keep trying. You might get through the line.

Yin: Yeah, Ren passed through the line and connected to my phone this morning.

Wenty: It's that real?

Ren: Hmm…yeah.

Yin: Thanks to Ren, I'm here.

Ren: Don't say like that..

Yin: Why?

Wenty: Someone will jealous.

Yin: You mean Lenz?

Wenty: Yup.

Yin: Let him jealous then. He is the one didn't come and find me at first.

Ren: Don't blame him, who knows all this will happen.

Wenty: You should forgive him. In the end, he is still your boy friend.

Suddenly and earthquake occurs..

Ren: You people feel it?

Yin: Yeah..It's an earthquake.

Wenty: What the hell really happening to this world? Is the end of the world coming soon?

Ren: Stay down until its stop.

After some time..

Yin: Stopped?

Ren open the door..

Ren: Everyone alright?

Lenz: Those stuffs dropped during the earthquake, Yan and Xin injured by those stuffs.

Ren: Where is the first aid kit?

Yin: Yesterday they took away for a replacement. It's not here.

Ren: Damn it! We have risk again then.

Lin: Risk? You want to go outside again?

Ren: Yeah, to bring some food and some first aid stuff.

Lenz: I will go with you.

Ren: Let's go.

Yin: Be careful.

Lenz: I will

Ren and Lenz went down carefully through the oiled stairs

Ren: Once we are outside there.

Lenz: I know, we need one of us to lure them away.

Ren: I will be the bait.

Lenz: Are you sure?

Ren: Yeah, I'm quite a fast runner. I will turn one big round circling that car park and meet up with you here.

Lenz: Okay! Let's go.

Ren went out.

Ren: Let's see…hmm [Saw Something]

[From Second Floor]

Wenty: What is Ren doing?

Lin: He should be making noise to lure those things away to let the other guy get in the 24-hour store.

Xin: That's brave.

Yin: Hope they will back here safety.

Yan: Hope so..

Ren took the rock he picked up and throw directly to a car mirror. The sound of mirror cracked and car alarm made those things to gather around there.

Ren: It's time! [He Shouted]I will start from here! Come and get me if you can! [He Shouted Again]

Wenty: Look at the car park roof!

Yin: Those survivors at there.

Those survivors felt curious and looked at Ren..

Ren: Hey! Come and get me now! Walk faster! Didn't your P.E. teacher teach you all to run quickly when chasing someone!?[He Shouted]

Wenty: It's loud and clear.

Ren: Ask them to move faster, Yin! They are slowpoke…like you! [Shouted Again]

Yin: Yeah, yeah..You better don't come back.

Everyone laughed..

Ren: To those on the roof! Don't just slack on top there! You all will end up dying too! Why don't you all try to survive and live! Don't waste your life dying there!

All the people on the roof silent after heard what he say..

Ren: Lenz! Should be far enough! Come out!

Lenz: Time to go.

Lenz opened the door and rushed to the 24-hour store..

Wenty: He is safe. None of those things are there.

Lenz entered the 24-hour store and start picking up those things they need…suddenly..

Lenz: Let's see… [Holding a piece of paper..]

Lin: What makes that guy so long?

Wenty: Well..Actually..

Meanwhile at Lenz there..

Lenz: Those girls! Why there are so many things on the list!

Back to the shop..

Yin: How can you people make him do that!?

Wenty: It's just for us to use..

Yan: It's okay, don't angry.

While…at Ren's place..

Ren: What make you so long, Lenz! [He shouted as Lenz won't hear him also]

[The Shop]

Lin: Ren is shouting like crazy..

[The 24-Hour Store]

Lenz: It's done!

Lenz went out of the 24-hour store and..

Lenz: I'm done! Ren! [He forgot and shouted]

Ren: Why did you shout!? You asshole! [Shouted Back To Him]

Lenz: Opps..

Ren: Whatever! Go up first! I will be there soon!

Lenz: Okay! [Shouted Again]

[At Shop]

Yin: That stupid made the whole road full with those things..

Lin: How Ren suppose to come back here?

Xin: Why not? He can just run back and close the door.

Lenz: He won't be that stupid making those things blocking the only way to here.

Yin: You're back.

Lenz: Let's take care of the injury first and take your own stuff.

Lenz treated Yan and Xin wound..

Lenz: Now then..What he will do to get back here?

Suddenly a message ringtone from Yin's phone..

[The Message]

Ren: I remember your shop had a long stair kept outside the washroom. Tonight, I will go to the back of the shop. Open that big window and prepare the stair by then.

Yin: That's it. But…I don't really remember there is a stair inside here.

What will Ren do? Will he back to the shop with them!?Read [D]ead Chapter Two - A Peaceful Night.


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User avatar
83 Reviews


Points: 385
Reviews: 83

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Mon Oct 06, 2014 10:19 pm
RavenLord says...



I don't know about this.......it's okay, but I feel like you should write in complete sentences because the script's a bit hard to understand with you cutting so many words out of the dialogue. Otherwise, it is okay.




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93 Reviews


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Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:26 pm
Sylar wrote a review...



I was really cpnfused with this script.

First of all, you're formatting is totally off, especially for a screenplay.

See, when you write, "Ren: (I was sleeping like usual…my older brother went out for trip. In the house now only left both of my parent, my younger sister and me. As usual, my mother wake up early in the morning, clean up yesterday leftover and prepare for the morning market. The time she went to the market, my younger sister should be ready to go school and I was showering. The reason that I woke up so early is because to start preparing staff with my friend for our party this Saturday. When my mother came back…Unexpectedly, my brother came back too.)"

Why is it in parenthesis? That was confusing. Also, why did you call this "Chapter One?" A script doesn't have chapters, it has scenes, or acts, or episodes, but not chapters.

There were a lot of other grammar errors, but I think everyone went over that in past reviews.

Second, this whole story is really confusing.

Ren: The world has changed for now, we have to be strong, brave and fast starting from now. The surviving skills are what you need! If your heart is soft, the next thing happen is you will become one of them. Of course, I won't let that happen.

How has the world changed, anyway? I mean, what the hell happened? I get that their parents died, but then they woke up? Suddenly they have to surviveon their own? Why? How? I still don't even understand what's going on, really.

Third, why is there barely any business? Most of the time, it's only dialogue, and it's hard to understand the story.

Overall, I was really confused, and I don't think I'm going to read anymore of this series.




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109 Reviews


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:26 am
rbt00 wrote a review...



Hey! RBT Here to review this piece.
Lemme start with the negative traits.
"I was sleeping like usual"
It should be I was sleeping as usual . Like sounds a bit strange for the reader to read.

You selected the genre as script so script does not have chapters. it must start in such a way
SCENE 1 ______SO N SO..

This line
"Ren: Bro is home.

Lin: I thought he said he will be reaching home at noon?"

Felt very awkward . Try changing it.

"There is a loud THUMP and a CLATTERING as Ren's Mother collapses to the floor.

Lin: Mum!"

THERE IS A LOUD... --- WRONG
THERE WAS A LOUD-----RIGHT

ANYWAYS GOOD JOB.




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 5:07 am
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



Well, I promised myself I would do at least ONE review for review day this month, so here goes...

Chapter One - It's Started


So first off, this is a script. So there are no such things as "chapters." Give us a scene heading here. (I don't even know if this is supposed to be a film or a play, I'm assuming film, so I'll structure my comments towards that.)

Ren: (I was sleeping like usual…


Okay, so to start off, here's how you should format all that:

SCENE ONE-DINING ROOM INT./DAY
______________________

REN and his sister LIN are getting ready for school. Ren has just stepped out of the shower, Lin is watching television. Their MOTHER comes into the kitchen suddenly, she is in a hurry.


Note a few things here. First, that scene heading is standard formatting. It let's us know exactly where and when this is taking place. Second, all the action takes place in present tense, with characters doing stuff directly. You can't have Ren just tell us all what is happening... this is a script afterall, that would be redundant.

Ren: Bro is home.

Lin: I thought he said he will be reaching home at noon?


This seems a little backwards. The dialogue needs to fit the character. If the older brother is saying "bro" and the younger sister speaks in text book style grammar.... well... just make sure that the way your characters act and what they say is realistic.

Ren went opening door for his brother


Went TO open. It doesn't seem like you have a very good grasp on grammar. I realize that it is difficult, but here are some suggestions: Read through this yourself after you write it. Get someone else to read through it. Get some books that you can use for reference. Etc.

Ren's Brother: Of course, here you go.

Lin: It's a brand new phone, just came out last week. I was wondering whether should save money for it or not but now..No need anymore. Thanks~!


So this is the biggest problem with the script... your characters are talking the whole thing!

...Wait a minute... is this a RADIO script? If so, try to make the action less obvious. Try things like "Wow! It's the new phone I wanted!" instead of "It is a phone that came out last week."

Ren's Brother: Because you are lazy. You stopped studying and slacked for so long. Ask you to find a job many times but don't want. Everyday stay at home play whole day. You think this kind of life can still go on until you old?


Remember what I said about keeping things realistic? Who talks like this in real life? Not anyone I know... (not to mention, how much does this guy spoi Lin anyway?) Try to make it sound natural... like this is a conversation you yourself overheard. Pattern things after the way people actually speak.

Ren's Mother collapsed..


How exactly, are your listeners going to know this? Is there a narrator? (And I would reccomend against that since those are rather cheesy nowadays.) Maybe note that there should be some sound effects, such as:

There is a loud THUMP and a CLATTERING as Ren's Mother collapses to the floor.

Lin: Mum!


*Notice how the action is still written in present tense? That goes for any kind of script, film, theater, or radio.

Ren's Father went down from second floor, went to the kitchen and took breakfast. Eat while walking to them.


See, this makes no sense... we aren't going to know who this is or what he's doing. And anyway, he cares more about breakfast than his wife who just passed out? Man.

Ren's Father: She passed away? But how come!?What just happened!?Why didn't call for the ambulance?


Okay, this is much too sudden. When she dies, you need to let us know at that moment that she has died, instead of waiting until after her husband comes down and what not.
Ren:

That means the food is poisonous.

Lin: What we have to do now… [Crying...]

Ren's Brother: We still have to call for ambulance..

Ren: I will call...


1. Why are all the characters talking like they're from a Sat. morning cartoon? Everything is too obvious. (Batman to Robin: Oh no, it's poisoned! Good thing I brought my food test kit along! Robin to Batman: Gee, swell you remembered to bring it!)

2. They would be panicking, so they wouldn't have any way to know that it was the food that caused their deaths.

3. Why is the food poisoned to start with?

4. They would be screaming and running around, not calmly dialing for an ambulance.

Ren's Brother: Yeah..It is. Remember that don't use vehicle yet. Grab whatever you can from the house now. Take my backpack with you. My company is researching on the machine inside there and it works very well. The accuracy of the machine is nearly up to 98 percentages. That machine can help you to estimate which food is good for human health and which is bad. And now..Tie me.


Eh? What... I have no idea what is going on here. A machine? But if they're already poisoned that won't help much. Try to keep details directly relevant to the plot. Meaning, unless this is a machine that will come to life and start poisoning and eating people, a la Tron, then you shouldn't even mention it. Oh, and uh... why are they tying each other up?

Ren's Brother: One more thing, inside that backpack have a pair of magnum and 4 piles of bullet for emergency.


....

Remember to keep things realistic. You set this up as a normal family. Therefore, they are not realistically going to be pulling out backpacks stuffed with ammo and magmums... even for emergencies. There is no set up, we don't know what is going on, nor do we know why they're doing all that they're doing.

Ren took a stone and throw it behind of that thing.

Lin: It turned back!

That thing faced back to them..


So, I'm guessing "that thing" is a Zombie-monster of some sort? You need to describe what it is they're throwing stones at.

Ren: We are coming from underground. Very less people know this place.


"Very few people know this place."

Someone: The world is end! I can do what I want to and no one can stop me. I always wanted to rape some girls [He walk slowly toward Yin] Especially beautiful girl like you!


First of all, the rating is wrong. Obviously this isn't going to be 12 year old material. 14+ is more appropriate. Second, I know of no rapist in history who has said something like that. Remember, don't be obvious. Add more action and emotion in here:

There are sounds of a struggle from the other end of the line. The phone clicks and gives a dial tone.

Ren: Yin, Yin are you there?

Lin: What's the matter brother? Where is Yin?

Ren: Stay here Lin. I'll be back soon.

Ren (to himself): Hang on Yin, I'm coming.

Ren starts to run down the hall, his footsteps slapping on the tile floors.

THIRD FLOOR

Ren creeps down the hall, breathing heavily. There is a commotion in one of the rooms. He checks to make sure his gun is loaded, then moves closer.

Yin: Don't come near me!

(Man's voice): Come here girly. Don't make a sound now.


So, what did adding that extra action do? It is called PACING. Pacing means you space out the dialogue and action so that things don't move so fast. It creates suspense, and readers/listeners/watchers LOVE suspense, especially considering that's the genre you put this under. So... pacing. Timing is everything.

Suddenly and earthquake occurs..


Well, yes... earthquakes DO "suddenly occur" but describe it. What is it like to feel the earth shaking, the building swaying under your feet, the dust choking the air? Give us more "visual" details here... by visual I mean so that we can picture this in our heads as it is happening, even if this is not a film script.

Ren and Lenz went down carefully through the oiled stairs


But if it was a trap for people coming up, it would not work for them to just go right down it! Unless it isn't a very good trap, that is. Maybe they have a ladder from a window or some other means of escape?

So overall, there is way too much dialogue here and not enough action. Try to give us a picture of what is happening. The exposition needs to be clearer too, I don't know what poisoned food had to do with anything, are "those things" really zombies, and was a diversion neccessary to steal from a 24 hour store? The world just ended. Mass chaos in the streets. I'm pretty sure no one's going to be concerned with building up supplies or putting oil on stairs just yet. Try to keep things more realistic. Otherwise it feels like you're running around all over the place, like you didn't give much thought to planning out your story.

Well, I hope that all helped. This looks like something interesting to make.
~ED





The most important thing is to preserve the world we live in. Unless people understand and learn about our world, habitats, and animals, they won't understand that if we don't protect those habitats, we'll eventually destroy ourselves.
— Jack Hanna