That one day, it was as a flash
It only took a simple glance
To start my mind and body's clash
And send me swirling in this trance.
My hands trembled like scared puppies
Throat hot as hell, as Death Valley
Futile to keep coherency
My mind was fried beyond belief.
It's like something clicked in my eyes
Like I had seen past a disguise
Your beauty multiplied ten times
Like a highlighter-colored sign
I thought it was a passing phase
But years zoomed by with no restrain
I still was mad and unrestrained
I knew I was in love again.
You know these memories remain
Like a vermilion mustard stain
Wild as untamed hurricanes
Fast and heavy as bullet trains
Your love is sweet as gold honey
Don't stop standing beside me
I am your knight, and I believe
That I must see you to true glee.
When you're together by my side
I feel like I can outlast time
I wish that I could beat in my prime
This mystery they call your mind.
I wish you won't abandon me
Love's a prison, please set me free.
I beg you to answer my plea
And set me free out to the sea.
Your hazel eyes and ebon hair
Make your face seem so debonair
Your stare gives off a golden glare
It tells me that I know you care.
I'll finish by confessing this:
Your face fills me with total bliss
So listen up, my precious miss
When I'm around, nothing's amiss.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Alright! Let's jump right in here. I'll start with my favorite section:
I like this moment because, paired with the last line, this is a rather new take on love in poetry. It's not "oh my god, please love me, please please love me", which you can see many examples of, but it's "love is dangerous, and I will make sure you're safe as we go along. I like it!
I like it, but this quote is also an example of what I think needs work in this poem, or at least you need to be aware of for any future poems you write: the rhyme.
When you force rhyme, the reader knows. If you were not inhibited by or thinking in rhyme, you would not of used the words "true glee". Usually the word that's paired with true is either true love or true happiness, and sure you can argue that glee means happiness, but the point is it's not what we would naturally say.
When you force rhyme, it throws off the credibility of your entire poem. We think, "Well, this poet is letting rhyme control them, so are they strong enough to craft a poem deliberately?" You can't let the rhyme control you -- you can never let it convince you into writing a word that is "good enough" to fit there, a "close enough" translation of the word you really want. That's one reason writing rhyming poetry is so hard: you have to find just the right word that REALLY fits there, that needs no shoving into the hole or slimming down.
Do you need rhyme in this poem? What would happen if you wrote to this person without it? I dare you to try, and guarantee I'll be there to review the edited version if you write it!
I hope this review was helpful, in any case. Stick to new ideas and stick to the words YOU want to write! Good luck, keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions or comments, please.
Hey Gummy! I'm going to do a quick review. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed this poem.
To start with:
Throat hot as hell, as Death Valley Here, Hell should indeed be capitalized because you are referencing the place.
That I must see you to true glee.
This line pokes out a little. It feels like you are forcing the rhythm.
When you're together by my side
I would say, 'when you are standing by my side', because it feels a little redundant as it is.
I wish you won't abandon me
I think this should be 'hope'. I know it doesn't fit the little thing you were doing there, but 'wish' doesn't sound right with this line. You have to ask yourself if the line is more important, or the tool you were using in this part is more important. Revise the line to fit your priorities.
This was a very well written poem. It was hard to find anything much to gripe about. Keep up the awesome work! You are a way better poet than I am, that's for sure.
Thanks! I made this poem a few years, back when I was a firm believer in "form is everything" when it came to concrete poetry. (I still am, actually, but to a slightly lesser extent ._. Anyway, thanks for the review, I (and the rest of the team, I'm sure) really appreciate it!
Hey! I loved the poem. It was so cute! I really liked the descriptive line when you mentioned his hazel eyes and ebon hair-- I love me some hazel eyes. So I take it by this poem that you like a guy. The poem is well written and a very nice flow. My favorite line was,"
I knew I was in love again,
You know these memories remain,
Like a vermillion mustard stain."
Bwuahaha nice one.
Any who! I overall really enjoyed the piece and your grammar looked pretty nice!
Molly-
Thanks to both for your honest reviews~
I'll take your advice into consideration and hopefully come back with an even better work very soon (and in time for Review Day ^^)
Knight Malachi here to review.
So this was rhyming well until the Death Valley line. Suddenly it didn't rhyme for a couple lines, and threw me off, as well as the rhythm slowed down. Also, the line that ends with sign doesn't fit, because the three previous lines ended with an sss sound.
So your rhyming switches with different numbers of rhymes in a row, really throwing me off. You mostly had groups of 4 lines rhyming, but one or two groups were severed for a line, and then rhymed again, completing the four group rhyme.
Hope that this helps, and doesn't seem to harsh.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
(PS-Are you a squire or Knight of the Green Room yet?)
Technical:
"When you're together by my side", that line just feels awkward. How can one person be "together" by someone else's side? I don't know, it just feels out of place, like it should be "when you're by my side" or "when we're together side by side". I like the latter suggestion best. But it is just a suggestion. And I also felt like you could have ended the poem at "Your face fills me with total bliss." Those last two lines felt slightly off key.
Also, I felt like I needed more punctuation. You'd end a thought in one line, but not use a period, and then go on to the next thought. That made it feel like you'd blurred all the lines that needed to be there.
Hope this helps!