Alright! Let's jump right in here. I'll start with my favorite section:
Don't stop standing beside me
I am your knight, and I believe
That I must see you to true glee.
I like this moment because, paired with the last line, this is a rather new take on love in poetry. It's not "oh my god, please love me, please please love me", which you can see many examples of, but it's "love is dangerous, and I will make sure you're safe as we go along. I like it!
I like it, but this quote is also an example of what I think needs work in this poem, or at least you need to be aware of for any future poems you write: the rhyme.
When you force rhyme, the reader knows. If you were not inhibited by or thinking in rhyme, you would not of used the words "true glee". Usually the word that's paired with true is either true love or true happiness, and sure you can argue that glee means happiness, but the point is it's not what we would naturally say.
When you force rhyme, it throws off the credibility of your entire poem. We think, "Well, this poet is letting rhyme control them, so are they strong enough to craft a poem deliberately?" You can't let the rhyme control you -- you can never let it convince you into writing a word that is "good enough" to fit there, a "close enough" translation of the word you really want. That's one reason writing rhyming poetry is so hard: you have to find just the right word that REALLY fits there, that needs no shoving into the hole or slimming down.
Do you need rhyme in this poem? What would happen if you wrote to this person without it? I dare you to try, and guarantee I'll be there to review the edited version if you write it!
I hope this review was helpful, in any case. Stick to new ideas and stick to the words YOU want to write! Good luck, keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions or comments, please.
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