Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Some people don’t understand it. That’s okay, that’s good. I hope they never understand. If they have never felt utter hopelessness, if they have never faced a mountain climb just to get out of bed in the mornings, good. It gets to this point where it’s like being a runaway high speed train heading to a bridge that hasn’t been finished yet. No one can stop, less of all yourself. In fact you are the one that’s urging the train to go faster. Faster and faster. You range to clinging to people, hoping they can pull you off the train, but as always people let you down, to turning to people that help feed the train’s engine. You start doing things you never imagined yourself doing. You turn to alcohol, it distracts you, makes you think it’s helping the pain while it silently rips another hole into you. You become reckless, dangerous, someone you always looked down upon. This of course makes things worse. Finally the train you’re stuck on reaches the end of the track and starts diving down into the valley far below. Knowing you will die soon, that the voices will finally be quieten, that the pain will be gone, it’s creates enough calm inside your brain for once, enough calm for you to write one last letter trying to explain. In my case, I’ve written down my whole story, so the person that finds this letter will be able to perhaps consider what I went through. What drove me bring that knife to my wrists one last time.”

I put my pen down onto the dark oak desk one last time. There’s still ink splotches everywhere from the amount of times I’ve broken pens out of writer’s block anger. I breathe in the lingering paint fumes left over from when I painted, in one last time. The knife’s blade catches the light as I bring it to my left wrist. The knife, as it always has doesn’t fail me. Blood drops starts covering the ink splotches. I idly believe I hear a car in the driveway as I close my eyes. The last thing I hear is a scream before the calming blackness takes me under.

Hi there! Here to represent Team Rouge and this amazing review day! I will provide you with a delightful review sandwich in just a jiffy

First things first, the things I liked;

“You turn to alcohol, it distracts you, makes you think it’s helping the pain while it silently rips another hole into you.” - I really loved this line. It's simple yet completely powerful.

“The last thing I hear is a scream before the calming blackness takes me under.” - What a great way to end the chapter! It's provided a very effective hook and has already got me wanting to read more.

I have spent all day nagging other writers about submitting their work without checking their spelling. I'm glad to say that I couldn't find one mistake in your work to do with this! YAY!

And now onto constructive criticism;

Paragraphs!!!! You need to separate your ideas so that it will be easy, breezy, beautiful to read. At the moment, it looks a little daunting to the untrained eye.

Good luck & keep writing!

Olive <3

Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:
"No one can stop, less of all yourself." should read "No one can stop it, least of all yourself."

"You turn to alcohol, it distracts you, makes you think it’s helping the pain while it silently rips another hole into you." Delete the comma after "alcohol" and replace it with a period to make those two sentences instead of one.

"Knowing you will die soon, that the voices will finally be quieten,...", you added an "-en" to "quiet". Please delete.

"...that the pain will be gone, it’s creates enough calm...", the "it's" should be "it".

"The knife, as it always has doesn’t fail me.", there should be a comma after "has".

Content:
You did a good job of capturing the emotions and mindset of someone who's going through or been through that kind of depression and suicidal thoughts. Good job quality wise. Content-wise, if you ever need to talk, I'm always available.

Hope this helps!

Thank you for letting me read this writing. I have to say I can get a good amount of emotion from this. I always enjoy reading for emotion.

Here are some technical things I found and will point out to you:
-I was confused by the "if they have never faced a mountain climb just to get out of bed..." I think if you omitted the word "climb" then it would run a little more smooth for the reader.
-I think you for got it after stop and "Less" should be "least".
-I love the train aspect, it fills me with an energetic and horrifying feeling (no one can stop this girl's/guy's [never specified] downfall!). Granted, this is what the character wrote, I think a few exclamation points here would really set the mood better. However, if the character isn't wanting to portray excited pain, then that's okay too.
-"clinging" should be "cling"...I like the vocab use of range (I had to look that one up and was impressed)!
-"You range to clinging to people, hoping they can pull you off the train, but as always people let you down, to turning to people that help feed the train’s engine." <--This is sentence needs some revising. I suggest a semi-colon before but and a comma after as always. For the last "...to turning..." segment, I see where you are going with it, but try wording it differently too. "Instead, you're turned to people that only help feed the train's engine." It doesn't have to be exactly like that, but something a little less confusing with words would help get the message across better.
-"...it's creates..." is probably something you missed proof reading, fix it up and make it betters.
-I think you forgot "to" between "me" and "bring".
-Comma splicing alert! "...I painted(,) in one last time." Omit that canonical nonsense!
-Take that comma from the last grammatical error and place it after "as it always has(,)"
-No need for the s after "starts".
-Make sure you proof read. I'm not saying you didn't, but always double check your work before you have it peer reviewed. I never use to, but once I did, it made me a better writer (not the best I can be though...sad face. That comes with time).

Overall, I hope to hear more of this dark story. Does she find a way out and feel the awesome wave of redemption, or does she continually strive in the dark, hoping for a rescuer? I hope you keep writing so I can find out! Great read, thank you Cmacca