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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Chapter 2: Sanctuary

by Saichi


Chapter 2: Sanctuary

“Lys… wake up.”

My eyes fluttered open as I began to wake. I was welcomed by a deep and piercing stare whose owner’s face was only inches from my own. The tips of his coal black hair brushed against my face, while the tips of his fingers caressed my cheeks gently.

“Are you finally awake?” He asked in a somewhat soft expression. My eyes failed to draw away from his gaze and I almost instantly recognized him. I felt the warmth of soft blankets wrapped around my entire body and the memories of yesterday came flooding back to me. I let out a small sigh before I forced my sore body to sit up.

“So, yesterday wasn’t a dream?” I uttered quietly as I glanced over towards Cale, as if asking for answers. His expression became somewhat mocking as he smirked, “Sorry.”

“Where are we?” I uttered quietly towards the quiet male figure.

“Your home.” He responded before he began to lift his head and his dark gaze looked at me one last time. “You fell unconscious while we were escaping.” He stated plainly before he seemed to collect himself. His gaze turned hard and far less vulnerable then he was only moments ago. “So, I had to make a few arrangements.” He pushed himself away from me and stood on his feet, making his way towards the door. He grabbed the handle and pulled it open. “There are changes of clothes in your dresser. Try to hurry and get dressed. We’ll be leaving soon.” He spoke over his shoulder before he began to take his leave.

“Wait!” I shouted, as I started to slide out from under the blankets and placed my feet onto the floor. He stopped in his tracks and he turned his head slightly to look at me in question. There was so much I wanted to ask him. I wasn’t entirely sure what was truly going on; let alone whom this person was. And something told me that it wasn’t going to be to my liking. Not that it ever was. Yet, he saved my life twice already it would seem. So, if nothing else, I wanted to thank him.

“I suppose I should thank you.” I finally managed to say, waiting for whatever he’d answer with next.

“…You haven’t changed, Lys.” His voice was smooth and gentle, his eyes piercing as he glimpsed back at me with an amused expression.

He turned his head and walked out the door, shutting it behind him. I stared after him for a few short moments until I lowered my head and let out a small groan. What’s he going on about? I thought to myself.

I slowly began to stand myself up, shaking somewhat heavily as my muscles fought to maintain balance, struggling to get use to the sudden change of pace. I walked over to the dresser placed against the wall and pulled back the first drawer. Sure enough, there laid a pure white dress, perfectly folded with all the extra amenities I’d need.

I reached my hands in and caressed the white fabric before smiling ever so slightly. It would seem I had a small stroke of luck after all. I felt a surge of warmth as I grabbed ahold of the dress, and soon after, replaced the clothes I had already been wearing, following his orders. I let out a small breath and walked over to the bedroom door, unsure of what would be awaiting me outside. I couldn’t hear much of anything and I began to slide myself out. I stepped into a small hallway and cautiously made my way towards the direction I had seen Cale take before he had shut the door. I tensed up a bit as I reached the end of the hallway and paused in my steps as I took notice of Cale staring out into a large, and brilliantly white city through taller then man-height windows.

I began to walk once more and stopped as soon as I reached his side before I stared down at the vibrant city that lay directly below the apartment. “It’s beautiful.” I stated as I glanced over towards him. His eyes drew from beyond the windows and he peered in my direction until he returned his gaze to the city once more. “Its called Sanctuary, a place of refuge, or simply an escape route for the troubled.” He paused for a brief moment, “Don’t let its appearance fool you.” He finished. I scanned over the city and all its different attributes. There were several highflying automobiles and ships that flew in what appeared to be imaginary highways between the large white buildings on each opposite side of them. There were billions of people walking along the sidewalks below. However, my thoughts began to trail off and my stare shifted over towards Cale’s direction.

“The other day,” I began and Cale’s attention became focused on me while he shifted his stance a bit more comfortably. “Why did you save me?” I could see Cale’s expression become a bit drawn back by the question as if he didn’t want to answer.

“Who are you.. exactly?”

I was interrupted as I heard a sudden chuckle, and I jumped as I turned to face him. Cale’s ash mauve eyes were staring directly at me. He placed his hands right above my own head before he leaned himself in close.

“Are you that curious about me?” A dark, yet teasing tone leaked from his lips and I couldn’t help but widen my eyes in surprise by the sudden approach. However, my eyebrows furrowed and I narrowed my gaze as the surprise wore off.

“Of course.” I uttered, “Isn’t it only natural to ask questions after situations like this?”

Cale smirked and pushed himself away. He turned away from me and began walking towards the door and picked up his coat along the way. “It’s nothing you should be concerned with.” He paused in his steps before he looked back towards me. “I made a promise with someone. That’s all.” He answered before he urged, “Come on.” He opened the door, and I couldn’t help but hesitate as he waited for me to follow.

“I thought it was a refuge?”

His voice suddenly sounded overtop of my own. “Not for us.” He responded, as if he knew what I was going to say next. “We can’t stay here.” My eyes glared a bit as my body tensed in slight irritation. I hardly knew anything, and he obviously had no intention of revealing any part of it to me at the moment. “Why should I follow you?” I asked, beginning to announce my concern. “I don’t know who you are or what I’m doing here.”

I watched as a pleased expression fell over his face. Cale held out his hand suddenly and he grinned a bit mischievously. “Trust me.” A feeling of uncertainty came over me. “I’m only looking out for your best interests.” He uttered. Why was it so easy to believe his words? I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how easily I could be falling into a trap or how easily he seemed to hold me in the palm of his hand while he stayed in the shadows. I felt toyed with. Yet, at the same time I felt as if he wasn’t going to harm me of any sort. He truly wanted what’s best for me. He seemed credible in his own way, why I was uncertain. However, despite this, I didn’t trust him.

“Besides, I’m afraid, you don’t have a choice.” His gaze hardened and he appeared to give off a smug expression. “You’ll be needing protection. And in your current state, you couldn’t manage five seconds without my help.”

“Protection?” I didn’t like how things were headed. Even with how reassuring his words earlier were, I felt anxious. Something was off about him, and the way he acted so familiar made me unsettled. I tensed up, and my hands clenched tightly.

Cale watched me and I could tell that he was studying my actions and his teasing facade faltered. “Isn’t it obvious?” He questioned with a now somewhat serious expression, “You really think the people who imprisoned you would let you off the hook that easily?”

My eyes widened somewhat as he reminded me of the circumstances I was in. He had rescued me from my very own sacrifice, and now he was saying that they were still after me?

“Why? I don’t understa--”

“Does it matter why?” He grumbled as he interjected. “They’re after you. Does it really matter what reason they have?” A scoff rose from his lips as he grew a tad bit frustrated, cutting me off from any hope of getting further explanations from him. I couldn’t help but let out a defeated breathe. There was only one option laid out before me. Even if I didn’t like it all to well, I could only go along with him. If what he said was true, and I did manage to have people coming after me. I would surely just end up back where I started, a corpse that was just set to die. I would never go back to being in that situation.

“If I follow you.” I began; “You have to answer some of my questions.” I announced my conditions and I saw him let out a deep sigh before he lifted his head to gaze back at me. “Fine.”

I finally decided to take ahold of his hand and as soon as I consented, we were out the door and stepping onto a small elevator that sped down quickly towards the city life below. As we reached the ground, the elevator’s doors opened and I was immediately lugged out into the massive crowds of people that forced their way back and forth along the sidewalk. I could barely catch glimpses of what was going on around me, just the loud noises and blurs of people passing by. Cale would only stop on a rare occasion and check his surroundings, which I would quickly, steal the chance to catch a breather before he would yank me to proceed further.

“Where are we going?” I grumbled.

“Just follow me.” He quickly snapped back, glancing over his shoulder once again. His grip around my arm tightened, as he grew tense, obviously beginning to get frustrated. I forced my eyes to finally follow his in question as to why he was suddenly so uptight. I understood now as my eyes settled in on the vast amount of guards that were now surrounding the area, patrolling the streets. I had failed to notice that we had passed nearly five already.

“There’s so many of them.” I mumbled, as if in hopes that no one but Cale could hear.

Cale nodded slightly in acknowledgement before he answered, “I didn’t expect them to be so persistent.” He let out a small groan. “This could be even more irritating then I expected.”

I stayed close to Cale as he continued to lead me successfully down the streets unnoticed and my hands couldn’t help but clench up a bit around the hand that led me. “Are they here to take me back?” I heard a small laugh and my gaze shifted towards Cale who appeared to be far more entertained then concerned. “They’re not after you.”

I became a bit confused, “Then, wh—“ my voice was caught off as I heard a guard call out, “There he is!” and point in our direction. Immediately my eyes glared up at Cale’s face. “You?!” However, I had no time to manifest my anger nearly enough before I was yanked into a sprint, failing to receive any sort of explanation. I could hear squeals of pedestrians as we shoved past them, and the honking of car horns as both Cale and I ran through several streets in order to escape the increasing amount of guards that chased after us. And before I knew it, we stood at the edge of the vibrant city. I let out a heavy breath before I wrenched my hand out of his grasp quickly. Cale paused in his steps and turned in response to the action.

My eyes glared and I made it quite clear that I wasn’t moving another step without some sort of information. “Explain!” I demanded. Yet, it didn’t faze him in the least as he just simply stared back with a blank expression, only to just grab ahold of my waist and lift me up onto his shoulder with ease. “You’re always like this at the most inconvenient times.” He muttered exasperatingly.

“Let go!” I scowled and desperately tried to break away from his hold. However, it was no use, he was right after all. In my current state, I couldn’t defend myself for any more then a couple of minutes. However, I heard the clicking of guns being cocked. Cale’s focus was straight ahead, narrowed and stern and I followed up to where his attention was now laid. My emerald eyes took in the troops that now surrounded us and pointed their various weapons directly at the two of us. They were heavily dressed in the finest armor available, black and appearing to be made for a specific purpose.

“We should have never taken so long.” He muttered ever so quietly towards me, his hand gripped a bit tighter around my own. Although, a grotesque complaint sounded from his lips, “Something we could have avoided if you hadn’t inconveniently passed out.”

What was he trying to get at? My worried gaze got distracted as it turned into a scowl and I couldn’t help but shoot back a bit defensively.

“You didn’t have to save me!” I shouted and it was only responded to by a simple chuckle before he shook his head, “I did.” He paused for a brief moment before continuing, “I did have to save you.” He assured, only to refocus his attention on the task that was at hand, defeating the soldiers surrounding us. I was a bit shocked by the way he was acting, He’s far to relaxed. Was he always this calm and collected during times like this?

I recognized his stance and expression from the day he had rescued me. “Try not to be to heavy.” He ordered once more as he finally began his approach towards the soldiers with me remaining in one arm.

“What are you doing?!” I began, “Don’t fight with me on your shoulder!” I shouted. However, he just situated me to the way he liked, ignoring my request. “I’ll only need one arm.” He stated rather nonchalantly.

“You’re going to get us both killed!”

“Have some faith.” He stated. “I told you didn’t I?” He paused. “I’m going to protect you.” His voice was collected and had a hint of pleasure shrouded within his words. However, the statement reassured me. He didn’t seem cautious or unsure about what was going on at all. I believed him. In that very moment, I had no doubt that he could proceed to do what he stated. And all I could do was watch as he turned away from me. A menacing aura surrounded him almost instantly. I could sense the atmosphere changing and he drew himself back, ready to attack. Yet, unexpectedly, the soldiers screamed out in pain one at a time before they fell down onto the ground abruptly and revealed a blonde-headed figure that stood comfortably with his hands shoved in his pockets behind the mess. I froze as I took in the figure, analyzing every last detail. It was him, the announcer who had sentenced me to death. Percy.

What was he doing here?!

I was suddenly grabbed by the wrist, which yanked my attention back onto Cale. His coal black hair fell over his face perfectly as his stare looked directly at the other man that stood not to far away from us.

“You’re late.” Cale exclaimed with an irritated appearance. Percy shook his head and planted a large smirk across his face before he lowered his head and bowed in apology. “My apologies.” His icy blue eyes gazed directly towards us with a somewhat malicious stare. “I figured one, such as my very own master, could hold them off for a short while as I made a few preparations for the princess’s return.”

Percy raised an eyebrow as he lifted his head to look at Cale’s own glare. “Was I mistaken?”

I heard an exasperated scowl sound from beside me. “Just do your job properly.” Cale demanded, failing to release my wrist from his grip as he proceeded forward towards a vehicle that I hadn’t managed to notice earlier. I was confused as to truly what was going on. It was obvious that Percy was working for Cale. However, ‘master’ was a bit much wasn’t it? All I could picture was a high-class butler at the moment, and by the looks of Percy’s dress code and light blonde hair. I would say he didn’t quite fit the image I had in mind. More importantly, I became even further concerned with the fact that the one person who had deliberately sentenced me to death, was an ally? Or, currently appeared to be. Which, I wasn’t sure.

As Cale and I reached the car, Percy had already pulled the door open for our entrance into the vehicle. He ushered his hand towards the inside of the car, urging us inside. “I’ll be sure to work harder next time.” He reassured calmly with a small grin across his cheeks. I slid myself in after Cale and was a bit blown away by the vehicles interior. It was incredibly high class for this day and age. And it was quite obvious that Percy had spent time choosing this particular air-gliding vehicle for his liking. It wasn’t any more then a single second before Percy had reached the front driver’s seat.

A large screen, that covered the entire front windshield, suddenly appeared as Percy started the car. A female animatronic voice sounded, welcoming us before asking for the location or address that we wished to visit. I saw Percy type in a few short coordinates and before I knew it the vehicle had started on its way.

My eyes narrowed a tad bit and I glanced over towards Cale who quietly stared out the side windshield. “Can I at least know where we’re headed?”

I heard a sudden alertness sound from Cale’s throat as he took notice of my existence. His dark eyes stared at me for a few moments, before he smirked. “You’ll see.”

I let out a quick scoff under my breath, “Of course not.”


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:46 pm
Cailey wrote a review...



Hey there, Knight Cailey here on review day to give you a review!

I think you have a really nice style of writing. It's easy to read and easy to understand and flows well. Of course there are a few typos and sentences that don't match very well, but for the most part it's all written really well.

So I will mostly be reviewing the content. I like that you have a lot of detail, but at this point there is a lot of description that almost gets in the way of the story itself. I mean, at this point I really want to know what happened to this girl. There's all this mystery that she herself doesn't understand- and it seems like those questions are kind of the basis of the story, right? So when the two main characters are supposed to be rushing on some kind of mystery journey, it's a little bit frustrating when the story doesn't rush with them.
If they're in a hurry, why do we have so much time to see the city in detail? Shouldn't that part be more of a "I saw a white blur as Cale pulled me toward the door?" rather than the (well written) but slightly irrelevant detail you wrote?
However, this is also a style choice, so if you want to keep the detail then go for it- since it isn't bad, just a little bit distracting.

Also, I think it might be good if you could work on dialogue a little bit more. There are some parts where it's hard to see who's talking, or where all you give is the dialogue and so it's hard to know what else is happening.

And on to characters- I love the way you portray Cale. (I promise it isn't just because his name sounds like mine) He seems to have such an intricate personality with so many different aspects to him. I mean, everything he does seems to be a little bit abrupt and unexplained, and he's very sweet and almost romantic and then cruel and indifferent. It's fantastic! The girl could use a little bit more character development- especially since the story is told from her point of view. I don't know much about her- but you did make up for that by the interesting person of Cale.

So yeah, that's it. Nice job, and let me know if you have any questions or comments. Keep writing, happy review day and all that. :D




Saichi says...


I can't even tell you how much I appreciate this review! This was exactly what I needed! I personally had never even thought of placing a different writing style whenever different things where going on, such as: being in a hurry..etc. And yes, I agree with the fact that I need to clean up on my dialogue a bit more. But I can't thank you enough, because this review helped me quite a bit! ^^



Cailey says...


I am so glad! I like to hear that my review helped. If you ever need another review just let me know.
And don't worry about it, dialogue is hard to write.



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:41 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hullo there!

I’m going to begin with a kind of comment-as-I-go thing and then sum up at the end. Ready? READY!

A variety of flowers? That is specifically non-specific, and feels really really odd. Perhaps you could say a bouquet of flowers? Or the field of flowers would work just as well.

You are using “I” way too often, it is immediately and distractingly obvious. *coarse or soft. Also the leaves are way more likely to be a little rough. Your lines on the birds repeat each other. You might work better with something like “Their long, refined bodies were covered all the colours of the bright sun; red and orange and yellow.” Or something, which just condenses what you’re saying to something a little less repetitive.

“Wandered” And if Cale is wearing gloves, how is he feeling everything he says he is feeling? That doesn't make any sense.

I am super confused about this change in perspective! Was that all a dream? It is really odd and sudden right now! Also why is she suddenly shouting at him when they’re at the window? Don’t do that, it doesn't make sense. Is he putting his hands on the glass? Way not sensible, Cale man.

Tad and bit mean the same thing, so a tad bit frustrated is like the smallest amount of frustration you can imagine.

“I glanced back towards what I believe was called ‘Sanctuary’ “ Is there a reason to think it isn't Sanctuary?

Really? REALLY? She decides that the guy who sentenced her to death absolutely must be on her side? Not that Cale might be tricking her somehow? Which he obviously is? Why is this girl so naive?

I like what you’re doing here, it’s relatively interesting and you give at least some amounts of description. Consider the reactions of your characters and what they’re doing/saying to make sure they match up. Don’t try and make Cale too great, he’s coming off as a bit of a smug jerk right now.

I look forward to seeing more from you!

- Penguin




Saichi says...


I totally agree with you. I was a bit unsure of how I should go about the reuniting of Percy and Lys. So, I just threw in something. I will definitely change it up a bit to make her seem a bit less naive. This has really helped me to look over and rethink possibilities that I can do with this chapter of my story. I can't thank you enough!





No worries! You have a good style right now so I'm sure you'll just keep writing more and more awesome stuff! :D



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:35 am
smanske15 wrote a review...



Nice work! A few notes as I was reading, you can choose whether or not to make the changes....
I would remove the word "flourishing" in the sentence "I was sitting in a large flourishing field..."

Change "more" to "else" in the sentence "...see what more I could discover..."

This sentence sounds a little wordy and off... "There were large birds whose variety of different colors related to the bright sun that shone right above them."

Confused on what you meant here: "They had four feathers that stood out in a straight line that started at their head and went down beyond their neck."

Put a comma after majestic in this sentence: "Their tail feathers were long and majestic and I could hear them call to each other in the distance."

Replace the comma with a period here: "I inched forward before I accidentally stepped into a clear blue stream, numerous amounts of fish life jumped past me as they traveled upstream."

I suggest to change "depending on the light" to "that changed in the light" here: "They were the color of the water, apart from a few purple shades here and there, depending on the light."

Here I will stop nit-picking your work and only read the rest of your story. I don't want to make you upset if you're sensitive to criticism.
Overall, the story had a good start. It was actually really confusing though. The scenes changed too fast and I never really thought that she was being held captive when she was describing the incredible scene at the beginning of the story. It all happened too fast and really just caused confusion in me, the reader. But it was definitely a good start. I suggest rearranging some of the story to make it "fit better" so to speak. I'm looking forward to rereading this if you do decide to revise it. Good start!




Saichi says...


I will be sure to check up on everything you have brought to my attention, and I thank you for the review! ^^ Although, I'm a bit confused as to what you're pointing out about her captivity? She had been saved from captivity in the last chapter, so that's really where I talk a bit about that. But she is not currently in captivity at the moment. But I thank you for the review! I greatly appreciate it!




Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain