Chapter 1: A Devilish Sacrifice

by Saichi

Published September 25, 2013

12+

In A Complex Revelation

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A Complex Revelation

Chapter 1: A Devilish Sacrifice

I could hear nothing but silence. My ears being able to pick up on the slightest beat of my own heart; slow and weak as my body used every last bit of strength it was able to conjure up in order to continuously remind me of my remaining existence.

My eyes opened slowly to once more view the familiar surroundings that the dark room possessed. Subtle, blue light shone from the rows and rows of crystalized chambers that were organized in straight lines one after the other; taking up the vast majority of space throughout the area. Creatures of all different kinds, along with myself, filled these chambers. We were engulfed in a warm, liquid substance, and several narrow tubes that sunk into our skin generously consumed our backs. We were trapped here, unable to escape from this long-lasting torture. I felt empty, and unchanging.

Nothing..That was my current life. Everything gone, nothing remaining but a few organs that refused to give up. I couldn't remember anything, feel any emotion, let alone do anything.. I was a living corpse, my mind rotting away slowly, but surely. I was empty, lost, and torn away from everything and one. I was truly going to cease to exist in this crystalized prison. It was sickening.

I shifted my gaze upwards ever so slightly as I caught a glimpse of a small crack of light from the outside world when the large chamber doors slid open quietly. My attention diverted onto the owner of approaching footsteps that echoed throughout the room. The figure continued on until he finally stood in front of me. He stared for a few brief moments before his hands reached up and gently touched the crystalized edges. His strikingly dark blue orbs fixed in on my own emaciated body.

Lys..

An echoing voice interrupted my empty thoughts. My eyes watched him as I examined his face; his eyes appearing to be unreadable. His hand began to clench as he stared directly back at me.

Wait for me.

He finally added before the gentle tone started to slur then vanish entirely. The figure was gone almost as soon as it came. And suddenly, I felt a surge of pain before I heard a loud shatter. My body was overwhelmed with cold air as my crystalized chamber lowered quickly and the narrow tubes that took over my back released from my skin and allowed my body to finally break free of it’s hold. My sight became nearly black as I fell and only managed to land on something cold and hard. I couldn't make out any of the voices that now surrounded me and I recognized an individual that hung over me, staring down at my face as one of the workers that visited these chambers quite often.

Oh, I now understood. My ears managed to pick up on the alarm that had started going off quite some time ago. It was my chambers specific alarm actually. I knew what this meant. It wasn’t particularly good news. It would seem that I had nothing left to give them. I had no energy left. And I knew what came next.

I began to smirk while I let out a deep breath. I fought to keep my eyes open, however, even so I could barely manage to make anything out regarding my sight or hearing. I could only see flashes of images, which didn't entirely make sense, and I also heard muffled voices that tended to mix together. I felt exhausted and eventually, I succumbed and fell unconscious.

-------------------------------------------

I gasped as my eyes flew open and I began to breath as if I'd been unable to take in oxygen for several long minutes. I became overwhelmed with load noises and I started to slowly recognize a harsh binding that held my body from movement. The sound of yelling and screaming echoed as I could make out roars that violently blasted like bloodthirsty beasts. My eyes searched left and right as they searched for an answer as to where I was. But, all I could make out was a small crack of light that seeped through the bottom of a metallic blind that tightly wrapped around the sides of my head.

A sudden thunderous voice sounded and took me entirely off guard.

"Welcome!" He began, the masculine voice sounded rather professional and inviting. Joyous even, as I started to notice a slight motion that had begun to push my body forward. An obnoxious banging noise sounded in a timely manner from underneath me as it continued.

"Citizens." he gave a brief pause before nodding his head and once again starting back into his seemingly prepared speech.

My forced motion started to quicken and I could feel the cold binding that surrounded my whole body begin to loosen off of my skin. A slight clank sounded as my solid, metallic blindfold parted almost straight through the middle; separating in order to reveal a dark tunnel that I was traveling down.

"Push her all the way!" A heavily armed guard shouted towards a few coworkers that stood in a box shaped control room, appearing to be working nonstop before one nodded towards the guard in acknowledgement.

"One-hundred and twenty-five years ago, we made an agreement." The man continued into the microphone, “An agreement that protects our way of life from the dangers that lurk just beyond our borders.”

I felt the motion halt as my carrier got to the end of its tracks. I was suddenly let loose, falling from what had been the only thing keeping me up on my feet, only managing to land roughly on my knees and hands. My breathing became heavy and heaving before my ears suddenly filled with the overwhelming cries of joined voices once more. It was so bright. My green orbs attempted to adjust to the light of day and slowly began to make out slight blurs until finally they settled and recognized the images they took in. Glass. Walls of glass surrounded the building. There were positively a million rows filled with people that seemed to circle around a middle platform I had been placed in, lying overtop of a never-ending abyss. My eyes searched over the area as they took in everything, spotting myself on several large screen televisions that hung from the ceiling. I struggled to force myself onto my feet, my body shook quite visibly and I couldn't help but be taken back as I noticed the condition I was in.

Was that really me?

I questioned until my thoughts were interrupted as a highly dressed up man that I could guess had been incredibly groomed all his life replaced my image on the screen.

"However, this agreement required something in return.” His voice shouted in announcement, showing enthusiasm with his movements as well.

It took me a few seconds to fully take in my situation and I couldn’t help but cough. I breathed heavily as small bits of blood emptied out of my mouth; I was so weak. The last bit of strength that I had been using to stand failed as I once more stumbled onto my side harshly, not helping but wince in slight pain. The crowd seemed to respond by growing in beaming excitement, "Kill her! Throw her away!" They shouted continuous demands of murder.

My body was grabbed abruptly and yanked up onto my feet by the same man that had been announcing this life-ending event only a few moments ago. He held me in his grasp while he once more began to speak "An annual sacrifice!" The crowd broke into a tremendous roar of cheer as they cried out in agreement.

The announcer grinned slightly as he turned his head to look towards my direction before uttering quiet words directed at only me. "Welcome back, Lys." His unexpected force yanked me towards and onto the very tip of the edge of the platform that would surely be from where I plunged to my death. "Only the sacrifice of a most noble and perfect creation will fulfill its hunger, in exchange for our complete paradise." His grasp tightened around my wrist as he stared directly at me rather mischievously. His sapphire eyes bore into my own; my gaze remained locked on him as well.

I grew uneasy, "Let go!" My mouth managed to utter out as I used the little bit of strength I had left in my body to yank myself away from his grasp. Yet, my eyes widened. A slight breeze blew across my skin as the mans grip released and caused me to fall back, now only being able to stare towards the blue sky that could be seen through the pure glass ceiling.

My hand reached upwards before my eyes closed, long brunette hair flying around me. The air was so cold as it blew against my limp body. I began to hear the echoing of the crowd start to fade as I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss.

"LYS!" A voice cried out.

A sudden shock of warmth surrounded me in an instant as I took notice of what had just happened. I'd stopped falling? The sensation of arms wrapped around my body, securing me close to the unknown figures chest became apparent to me. Yet, my body began to finally react to the sudden realization that I had truly come close to my own death and it started to shake a bit violently. My heart pounded faster than it had been able to in quite some time.

"Hold on." A rather dark yet soft voice mumbled until a sudden upwards motion struck me by surprise. My hands quickly clenched tightly, I was too shocked to say any words of question. My eyes closed for a few brief moments as we continued back towards where I'd came from. I began to pick up on the familiar sounds that came from the surrounding crowd that had been demanding for my death. My eyes opened slowly as I felt the warmth of light hit my face once more.

My attention got redirected as I remembered my rescuers presence. I watched him as light surrounded his face, revealing deep ash mauve eyes and coal black hair that continuously thrashed around with the wind. My carriers motion ended as he simply landed on the edge of the same platform I had just fallen from, his hands grip tightened as if protectively. His gaze locked on the announcer who hadn't seemed to move a step, that same grin still plastered over his cheeks.

"Percy." My rescuer began, closing his eyes in what seemed to be irritation. "You went to far." His jaw tightened as his muscles tensed.

I became somewhat confused, narrowing my eyes ever so slightly.

They know each other?

I could hear the crowd’s sudden reaction as they took in my very much still existent figure that was held by someone unknown. They began to shout out in question and slight anger due to the fact that their blood lust had not been filled.

Percy seemed to suddenly raise his shoulders as if stating innocence, smirking before the man's sapphire eyes settled mockingly on us.

"I trusted that you would take care of her." He uttered before my attention became focused on the guards that had started rushing towards us, their footsteps ceasing as they surrounded Percy, my rescuer, and I. My emerald eyes shut tight as I prepared for the worst. I felt the man's hold begin to release as one arm dropped from its position, setting me down on my feet yet managing to keep one wrapped around my side rather tightly to maintain my balance.

"Don't move." He uttered into my ear quietly.

Worried screams of a few began to fill the large building, hundreds of dark clothed figures had taken care of the large amounts of security that surrounded the area, the culprits replacing their posts. Gunfire and loud explosions echoed through the air and I started to feel increasingly uneasy, scared even, looking away almost instantly. I could hear crashes of falling corpses being taken out one by one. Until I unexpectedly heard clapping and I dare peeked just to find Percy standing before us, hiding the dead bodies behind him.

"Good work, Cale" his voice dragging out the other's name.

Cale?

I was taken back a bit as my mind desperately wanted to bring up stolen memories, wanting to show me something. Yet, I was cut off as Percy patted both the two of us on top of the head. His gaze shifted down towards my own, "My apologies, miss." He hissed. His hand quickly grabbed ahold of a boxed switch that had been harshly tossed at him.

"Enough wasting time." Cale demanded. "Hurry and finish."

He abruptly grabbed ahold of my wrist, "We're leaving."

I was suddenly lifted up off of my feet, my whole body carried atop his arms.

"Leaving?!"

He failed to respond to my question. "Close your eyes." He demanded while walking towards the edge of the platform. The unexpected blasts of flaming explosions filled the glass dome and surrounded the two of us, causing my eyes to close simultaneously.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Saichi
Comment
Saichi commented Comment · Dec 12, 2013

-accidental comment- please ignore. >__> lol.

User avatar
XxKaixX
Review
XxKaixX wrote a review Review · Sep 30, 2013

I don't think that there should be so many breaks at the beginning. To me, it's like your making that one sentence all lonely and separated from the rest of the paragraphs. I understand that you're trying to make those areas important, but I really believe that there's another way to do it.

Also I noticed how you continuously repeated the word 'orbs' instead of eyes. That word is fine, but try to use different words so you won't get too repetitive.

A couple of areas where the dialogue is had a couple of mistakes, its nothing too big. Your just missing a comma or period at the end of it, that's all.

I think this story flowed pretty smoothly, nothing choppy or out of place. Other than the things I mention, I find this very well written. Also read the reviews that others give you because they may have caught something that I haven't. This story is really good and I hope you continue it!

User avatar
Sonder
Review
Sonder wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2013

Hello, Saichi! Griffin, here to review this work!

First off, I think this is an interesting idea. However, I just want to say right now-it is way too long. This one chapter was as long as a long short story. :P I think that if you separated it into pieces, maybe three separate chapters, that it would flow better and not seem so large.
I think the content is good overall, though sometimes I had trouble tracking whether she was dreaming or living reality.
Also, you said the word "orbs" a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love the word, but it was used quite often. It was a little confusing too, as to whether she had actual eyes or just orbs...
I liked the story, and I think it has a lot of potential. I just think it could use some clearing up and cutting down. Great job!

Keep writing and being amazing!

~GC

Saichi replied · Sep 27, 2013

Thank you for that review! ^^ I greatly appreciate it! It is rather long, I do agree. I might get a tad bit carried away, because I hope to become published one day. I obviously have a ton of work to do! cx Every bit of reviewing helps and I thank you for it!

Sonder replied · Sep 27, 2013

Not a problem. I think this would make a great book, even so!

Saichi replied · Sep 27, 2013

Thank you, that really means a lot! ^^

User avatar
Morkish
Review
Morkish wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2013

Hello there!

Just a few things I spotted during the read:
-Rang instead of range.
-A few past tense present tense swaps: keep it one or the other (I do the same exact thing all the time!).
-"All of the things that made me the being I was, just fed on by a vile monster." This sentence confused me.
-"Everything and one" did you mean "everyone"?
-"Laying them against the edge of my cell as well," I would "omit as well".
-The italicized phrases had me confused until it was finally mentioned later on. At first, I did not realize that something was projecting these words into his mind. Make sure to add a little something to that, so the reader understands something is calling to him. What does what sound like?
-In the last critique I said "him" because I did not know at the time what she was. Add a little more detail to her in the beginning.

You'll need to add more descriptive details. However, I seem to be lost as to what she truly sees and feels.

I'd say this piece needs some work; however, I want to see where this baby goes! It may need some revising, but underneath the surface is a great piece! Keep writing, writing, rewriting, and writing some more because that is the only way we all get better! :) Thank you, Saichi!



It's like being in love, discovering your best friend.
— Elizabeth Wein, Code Name Verity