z

Young Writers Society


12+

Mayday chapter 3

by sphealwithit


Chapter 3

*Thirty Miles North of the rebel camp*

Sir we have good news” Says a man with short brown hair and piercing blue eyes. To a man that stands behind a large desk looking out of a window that has a view onto a park.

Good? Well that makes a change. Report.”

Sir we applied the weapon on the group of rebels. We located our agent Mark.”

Mark? It’s been a while since we needed him but go on”

He is the only one with inside knowledge to Hayley sir.”

How is that good news?”

Well sir we have managed to create a rift in the group. We informed Hayley of Mark’s involvement within the city sir. They have been advised to turn themselves in if they wish to survive.”

Hmmm well keep up the good work sergeant. Report when they reach city limits.”

The man slowly backs out. “Yes sir”

*At the rebel Camp*

Mark groans and rubs his eyes; light from the sun blinds him. He sighs and pushes himself off the ground. Rubbing his eyes, his vision blurry he begins to walk. He looks over the camp and sees many of the rebel’s unconscious on the ground. He turns to his left to see Lola lying on the ground. Her head is lolled to one side but her eyes are beginning to flutter open. Seeing this Mark turns and runs towards the black van just a few feet away. Once he reaches the van he looks inside the driver’s side. Hayley is lying down in an awkward position away from the sun. He peers in to find that her eyes are open. Her eyes are clouded and have a far off sad look to them. Mark ducks under the window before she has a chance to see him.

I’m sorry Hayley” He whispers sadly as he moves to the back of the van. He silently opens the back door and he grabs his rucksack and closes the door quietly again. He sighs quietly and looks left again. He sees Lola standing and looking around. He moves to the side of the van and sneaks off past the camp. He runs until he reaches a small village. Of course it’s abandoned. He sits down inside one of the buildings and sighs. “Why did I leave the city in the first place? I could’ a stayed and hid there but no I had to come and find a group. God I’m such an idiot” Mark lies on the floor just as the first tear falls down his face.

*Rebel Camp*

Hayley sighs for what must have been the millionth time since she woke up. It could’ve been a dream. Hayley thinks to herself but she knows it wasn’t.

Hayley! Mark!? Is anyone here?” Lola shouts as she heads towards the van. She goes to the driver’s side window and looks inside. “Hayley” Lola gasps. “Open up” Hayley pushes herself up and opens the door. Her eyes are red. “Have you been crying? Did something happen?” Hayley sighs and slides over to the far seat and Lola slides in. The van is silent for a moment before Hayley suddenly speaks.

When you saw the red light did something happen?”

No. Why did you see something?” Asks Lola sounding shocked.

Yeah, I was in the black room with red lasers everywhere. When I came to, I heard a voice, it called itself CIT1EE. I challenged it….and I dunno what it was, all I know is whatever he gave me it felt like my insides were burning. I begged him to stop and he did, but looking back at what he said after I really regret it.” Lola’s eyes widen in shock, she looks at Hayley only to notice that she’s shaking. Lola slowly places a hand on Hayley’s shoulder and begins to rub it up and down in a motherly fashion.

Go on Hayley, tell me what happened” says Lola in a reassuring voice.

Hayley sighs and continues. “I thought I knew him” she whispers sadly. “He promised me he would never lie, once I found him and made him into what he was, he still betrays me after all that.” Lola’s hand stops rubbing Hayley’s shoulder and travels to her mouth as a look of realization appears on her face.

Who are you talking about Hayley?” Lola asks quietly. Hayley stares at the ground for a while before looking at Lola with sad eyes.

Mark” She whispers. “That thing told me everything he’s done since he arrived four years ago. The lying and cheating. Every bit of information was fed to the city through him… none of our plans were safe. They know everything and it’s all my fault. If I had taken another route or just left him were he was, we wouldn’t be in this position.” Hayley looks away once more and Lola takes the hint that she wants to be left alone. Turning and opening the door Lola gets an idea. She jumps out of the van and runs to the back, pulling the back doors open roughly she grabs her old rucksack. Lola then goes to the cardboard boxes and pulls out two canteens of water and a lunch box of some sort of food. Stuffing these in her bag she goes to Marks corner and filters through the mess of wires and equipment until she finds what she’s looking for. “Ahha” she yells triumphantly. Grabbing the small wrist communicator she jumps out of the van and begins to walk out of the camp.

Where are you going?” Hayley asks as she steps out of the van. “You’ve only been here two days; you can’t just go round playing the hero. Marks gone big whoop, just leave him we have to find your parents remember.” Hayley’s eyes are filled with anger and hurt. Lola smiles to herself.

I may have only been here two days, and Mark may have fucked up a lot, but I’m not going near that city without him. Everyone makes mistakes Hayley, and I’m not being the hero here I’m just doing the right thing.” With that Lola turns sharply and runs out of the camp and down a small dirt road leading into a forest. Hayley remains glued to the spot, conflicted on what she should do.

Eugh, she won’t last long enough to even find him.” Hayley turns and goes back to the van and starts the engine.


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382 Reviews


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Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:09 am
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey Spheal, Dreamy here again. So the mistakes,

"To a man that stands behind......" It's "a man who was standing behind..."

And that's all I could find. For every new chapters you are getting better. You are getting good in narrating. As well as in grammar, I like the way you are taking this story,it's fast paced and involving too. Keep up your good work. Keep posting.
Happy writing!!! :)




sphealwithit says...


Thank you. I have considerd changing the point of view it may flow better and make more sense. But thank you anyway :)



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:47 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Good morning! Here to represent Team Rouge on this fine review day! I will be making you the most fabulous review sandwich especially for your chapter. :)

First things first, the things I liked;

You're dialogue in the opening scene is excellent! I, for one, find dialogue really difficult to sound easy, breezy and natural so well done!

“Stuffing these in her bag she goes to Marks corner and filters through the mess of wires and equipment until she finds what she’s looking for.” - This is your best description in the whole piece.

I love the way you ended the chapter. It's sets it up nicely for the next one.

And now onto the constructive criticism;

The word “Sir” should be capitalized as the men are using is as a title.

“He looks over the camp and sees many of the rebel’s unconscious on the ground. He turns to his left to see Lola lying on the ground.” - You've used ground twice too close together here. It interrupts the flow of your writing.

“He silently opens the back door and he grabs his rucksack and closes the door quietly again. He sighs quietly and looks left again.” - You've done the same thing here with the word 'quietly'. Vary it up a bit so it will be more fun to read :)

You need to check your use of commas. Read your work aloud so that you can hear the natural pauses.

Good luck! Keep writing!

Olive <3




sphealwithit says...


Thank you :) I'll get to fixing those :)



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Fri Sep 27, 2013 5:37 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:
“Good? Well that makes a change. Report.” That middle sentence is really scripted. You should say something like, "Well you broke the tradition." or "Finally something 's going right for once." Just something a little more realistic.

There were some spelling errors, such as "were" instead of "where" in " If I had taken another route or just left him were he was...", and some other minor things.

MAJOR RED FLAG MOMENT!!! F-bombs need to be appropriately noted in the ratings. 12+ is not sufficient. At the least give it a 16+ and note the language. There are young writers on here, and they need to be warned.

Content:
As much as I admire the "it's the right thing to go find Mark" attitude, it doesn't really have a full explanation. Why would anyone who's only known someone else for 2 days suddenly up and go after them, risking their life, to find a traitor? You should explain that a little more (there are reasons, but you should state them. Don't be afraid to give a character a belief system).

Hope this helps!




sphealwithit says...


I totally forgot I had swearig sorry :( and I shall get round to fixing them.




I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical