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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Innocence

by aliceceleste


It's my fault that she's dead.

I remember every detail of her still. Her golden hair shining in the sunlight, illuminating her angelic face. She was so perfect- she should still be alive, finding love, her perfect job, getting married.

Instead she is gone, and they all think I killed her.

No one but me really knows what happened.

It was a freezing night in December. It was December 2nd 2007 to be precise. I had spent the evening at Matt's house; my boyfriend at the time. I can't really remember the details of that night, but it was blissful, filled with his kisses and caresses.

I was making my way back home at about 11: 30 pm- it was dark, so dark it seemed like the night might engulf me, but my house was only a 5 minute walk from Matt's, and the streets were lit up brightly. At the time I was only 16. Not old enough to be convicted of murder.

I recall walking up the flight of stairs to get to the door of my tiny flat, pushing open the creaking door... and there she was.

It was too horrible for words. To this day, I can't help breaking down every time I see the image of her body in my mind. Her blonde hair was a halo around her pale face, like an angel. She looked small, insignificant next to the destruction surrounding her. She was wearing jeans and a leather jacket, which were barely distinguished because of the amount of blood smeared over them. There were rips in her clothing, and so much blood. There was blood everywhere.

I stood still, not daring to move. I kept telling myself that it must be a nightmare, this stuff never happens in real life, but it was all too real.

It was so horrifying that I refused to acknowledge what had happened, instead I focused on her bag which was tossed to one side. She always loved that bag. There was an envelope inside it, specks of blood covering the pristine white. I reached hesitantly, opening it. An invitation to her 17th birthday party. She was only 16, too young to die.

Suddenly, something inside of me fell apart, broken, and I fell to the floor and sobbed, feeling desperately for a pulse, my tears smearing the blood stains. I grabbed my phone, hands shaking, and dialed for an ambulance.

They arrived at 11:51. She was announced dead at the scene.

Now, as I lie on the hard prison bed, staring up at the dull ceiling, I try to fight back tears.

I have years ahead of me in jail, convicted for murder. The days drag past, eliminating any hope I held to get out of this hell. And the worst part is, I can't prove my innocence. All the evidence points conveniently at me- my fingerprints on the kitchen knife, me 'finding' her at the scene, they even spouted lies that I was so jealous of her that I was caught up in a rage of envy, killing my best friend.

I blame myself for her death, yes, because I wasn't there to answer the door when she came to deliver the invitation. I was locked in Matt's embrace, entrapped in his warm kisses. Oblivious while she bled to death.

I should have been there, but instead the murderer got in, cutting her life short. And they're out there, getting away with it. While I am here, my life wasting away. I never thought something like this would happen to someone like me.

I guess I was wrong.


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:50 pm
Blackwood wrote a review...



Hey there my friend. I have come here on this fine day to grace you with my pleasant words of review time.

I feel like there is something missing here. The fact that the narrator was convicted for murder inst justified enough. You really need to put more in about that. Its her house, so of course the fingerprints would be on the knife. I want a more legit reason for her to be convicted. If they can't prove anyone else murdered it they dont just lock away the only suspect. If they cant prove guilt they dont lock away. I feel you really need a more solid and legitimate reason for this.

Your writing style is good and nice to read, I enjoyed it.

At the start the way you described the girl makes me think that she was her lover, just saying. Also she narrator doesn't know what happened. You say she knows what happened but she doesn't. She found the girl, she only saw just as much as the police, just saw it first. I think you just need to justify your reasons a bit.




aliceceleste says...


Ok, thanks for the constructive criticism, I understand where you're coming from. I think I was focusing more on the creative aspect of it to look too much into the law part of the story. I probably didn't spend enough time on it also! Thank you



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 6:06 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello! I've come to be more nosey for Team Rouge and this amazing review day! I will provide you with a delightful review sandwich in just a jiffy :)

First things first, the things I liked;

You're first sentence is absolutely perfect! What a great way to hook the reader in and immediately tell us what the short story is going to be about. -claps-

“Her blonde hair was a halo around her pale face, like an angel.” - Love this description. Having the angel annotation reinforces to the reader that she is actually dead.

And now onto constructive criticism;

“It was December 2nd 2007 to be precise” - If this was me, I would put a comma after the December 2nd.

I wish it was a bit longer! But if that is my only criticism then that means that it was pretty darn good :)

Good luck & keep writing!

Olive <3




aliceceleste says...


Thanks very much, I'll take that on board! :)



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:15 am
LoveIsInTheAir wrote a review...



Wow! THIS IS SO SUSPENSEFUL! I wish I knew what happened! I loved the detail of the story. Each one more majestic than the last. I really like the idea and it was definitely something I would read in to. It sounds like one of those cases on law and order. I think you have a great passion for writing! So peace out and keep typing up those words--because when you do-- I'll be reading them!
Molly-




aliceceleste says...


Ah thanks so much, that means a lot to me! :)



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Sat Sep 28, 2013 9:24 am
aliceceleste says...



Thanks both of you for your reviews, you have helped me a lot :)




Sonder says...


Not a problem! It was a pleasure to read and review it!



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Fri Sep 27, 2013 10:25 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

So, this was pretty good, but it left me with one big question: what really happened? You say that she's the only one who knows what happened, but then you describe her walking in and finding the body, the crime already committed. Is that a confession, then, that she really is the killer? Or is that just an authorial oversight? I really wish you'd gone on to describe how she knows what she knows, or if she even knows it.
Otherwise good job.

Hope this helps!




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Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:26 pm
Sonder wrote a review...



Hi alice! GriffinClaw, here to review this lovely work!

First off...Wow. This is really good. I don't know what to say, it is so good.
The topic, though a well-worn one, was made unique through your description and characterization. The main character was very believable and realistic, in my opinion. The shorter sentences moved me along and kept me in suspense, as well as shooting in the required description without giving too much. Well done!
I honestly have nothing to correct, other than the fact that I would love you to either A) continue this to be longer, or B) make it into a novel. Because it totally could be.
Fabulous job. I look forward to reading more of your works.

Keep writing and being awesome!

~GC





It's a dramatic situation almost every time you answer the phone—if you answer the phone.
— Matthew Weiner