Published September 27, 2013
That night the air was stuffy, the sky cloudless, and my heart thumping like crazy. The moon shone brightly illuminating the square below my window. I waited anxiously for Mark. I heard talking through the door. Mark must have sent the first guard out of the tower.
I paced back and forth flipping the dagger in my hand. Earlier the escape seemed perfect and easy. Now it seemed like there were several things that could go wrong. What if something happened to Andrew? What if the guard escaped and got help from others. What if we were spotted going to, or going over the wall?
Once I got over what would I do? I might be able to survive, but that wasn’t enough. I wanted to get back to Indiana. I began to pray in a low voice.
“God please help me. I don’t know what I’ll do. Do you have some reason for this? Please help me to trust you.”
I heard noises outside the door but Mark still didn’t enter. I waited. My stomach hurt. Finally the door opened. A young man stepped in. He was tall, with brown hair. He smiled at me.
“Malachi?”
I smiled back. “Yes, you must be Mark. I can’t thank you enough for what you’re doing.”
He held up a hand. “Don’t thank me. Any friend of Andrew’s is a friend me. Now we must hurry.”
Mark motioned for me to come out. No guards were in sight. We silently descended the steps. The stones click-clacked at every step.
We reached the door and Mark opened the door halfway, peering out. Nobody was in sight as far as I could tell. He stepped out. I followed into the virtually empty marketplace. We began to round the tower silently when we heard voices. I spun around and saw three men stumbling towards us.
“’ello mates.” One of them slurred, obviously drunk. “Wha ya doin’ out sho late? A boy you’re age oughta be in bed.”
The other two growled drunken agreements. I looked to Mark for support. He stepped forward.
“This boy is my responsibility. Now I believe you are the ones who should be in bed. Off you go now.”
One of the men hiccupped loudly. “You ain’t gonna tell us what to do!” He began to get angry. The others advanced. “You’re jusht a guard. I shay we take em’ boys.”
I began to sweat. This didn’t sound good.
“Mark . . .”
“Stay calm.”
The men staggered closer. They smelled terrible.
“I think we could take care o’ the boy. What ya shay lads?”
The first man suddenly swung a fist straight at Mark. It was a slow swing, but still capable of damage. However, Mark seemed to be ready for it and let it fly harmlessly by. He spoke in a low, but commanding voice.
“Boys back off. You need to go back to your homes. Now.”
Two of the men laughed, enraging the first man. He had hate in his eyes. Hate caused by too much drink from a tavern. It wasn’t a pretty sight. He yelled and stumbled forward. I winced. The noise was sure to rouse guards and townspeople. Mark knew it to.
“Get to the wall quick. Don’t worry about me.”
He had turned to me when he spoke. It gave the angry drunk a chance to get off another swing that seemed impossible to dodge. But Mark had expected this as well. He ducked low, and then spun. He came up, right hand fisted. It smashed under the man’s chin. His head swung back, and his eyes rolled back. The force of the swing had knocked him out cold.
I hated to leave Mark against the angry men, but I had to get to the wall. I forgot about making noise, and dashed as fast as I could to the wall. No one was atop it. I shifted my feet. Andrew should have been here. I had two options. Run up the wall, or wait and see if Andrew would come.
In my fear I couldn’t wait, so I rushed up the ladder onto the wall. A rope was in a pile on the wall. I saw there was nothing to wrap it around. I would have to wait for Andrew. I wiped sweat from my head, and then wiped my sweaty palms on my pants.
A footstep caused me to turn around. I saw a guard right behind me. For a second I froze, and then sighed in relief as I saw it was Andrew.
“Where’s Mark?” He asked.
I quickly explained the situation to him.
“Well there’s no time to worry about him right now. He’ll take care of himself. Now tie that rope around your waist.”
I hurriedly did so. He grabbed the other end and said, “Climb over the wall. Plant your feet against it and slowly slide down. I’ll be holding this end. If you slip I’ll make sure you don’t fall. Once you hit the ground untie the rope and keep it. It might come in handy later on. Then head for the cabin. My friend will help you.” He paused. “God be with you, Friend.”
I shook his hand. “Thank you. Make sure Mark is all right. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done. I pray to God you’ll stay safe.”
Commotion from where Mark was drifted in the night air. Without saying anything I climbed over the wall and planted my feet against the wall. I held the rope in both in hands and slightly released the pressure. I slid down a few feet and then grasped the rope firmly. I looked down. It was a good seventy feet to the ground below. I thanked God I wasn’t afraid of heights.
I rappelled down a few more feet. So far so good. Another twenty feet. My hands had begun to sweat. Fifty feet to go. I became more confident and went down another ten feet. I almost felt as if I had lost control and quickly grasped the rope. Making a mental note not to do that again, I proceeded slower.
Moving slower and more cautiously I neared the bottom. There were about twelve more feet to go when I heard a noise above. Suddenly a shout went up, and the rope dropped off the wall. I tumbled backwards after it.
Light blinded my sight, but I could hear the motor of a vehicle. People were talking. My head hurt. I remembered where I was this time. From what those around me saying, it sounded like I was around medical people. An emergency van perhaps.
I figured I had been taken to my friend’s house where an ambulance was waiting to take me to a hospital. I felt several hands grasp me and lift me onto a stretcher. Then I felt myself being strapped to it. Two people climbed beside and I guessed I was in the back of the ambulance.
The doors slammed shut blocking off sunlight. I managed to open my eyes, not very wide however. Two nurses in hospital attire were seated on either side of me. I groaned and they both looked my way. The one on the left smiled.
“Oh, hello. Don’t try to move, please, it will make your head hurt more. I’m Angelina.” She pointed to the other side. “That’s my assistant Mary.”
I didn’t turn my head, but tried to wave the best I could, being strapped down. Angeline was about to say something else, when the van suddenly jolted to a stop. It made the pain in my head increase. My vision began to swim and I closed my eyes hoping to relieve the pain. Then everything vaporized into darkness.
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First things first, the things I liked;
“What if something happened to Andrew?” - I love that you've used questions in your opening paragraphs. It immediately draws us in and gets the reader thinking.
“The other two growled drunken agreements.” - fantastic description! I can hear them in my mind now and it made me chuckle.
Your dialogue is very natural and easy to read.
And now onto constructive criticism;
“That night the air was stuffy, the sky cloudless, and my heart thumping like crazy” - Right, I'm going to be nitpicky and change this opening sentence. Its the OPENING SENTENCE. It needs to be perfect and draw us in. 'That night, the air was unusually stuffy, the sky cloudless and my heart was thumping so hard it was threatening to burst from my chest.'
I also think the ending of your chapter could be a little more dramatic. They could smash their skull on the side of the car and feel the pull of oblivion at the corner of his eyes. Add a little more description in there to make it more exciting.
Good luck & keep writing!
Olive <3
Thank you. I will get those spots as soon as possible. Please keep reading.
Again, great job!! There are some places that are a little choppy, the sentences could probably flow a little better. I'd suggest maye turning some into compound sentences, or making some with dependent clauses. Once again, the dialogue is good. I am a little confused as to why he's waking up in the fifth chapter, but I'm sure that will be answered soon. Keep writing!!