by Abbas
One thing this world never knew
What could it be? And i say it's peace
Wars are all that we know in truth
Wars are fought always in the name of peace
A moral said by a great man
United we stand, divided we fall
But we witness it the other way
Divided we stand, united we fall
We could have solved problems through
peace
But what to do they never got solved
Countries held talks known as 'peace talks'
But what was the result, we never got peace
Everything could have been solved by peace
This world would have been a better place
But Countries will always struggle
As greed and war takes them over.
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Pompadour here for a review on this review day... er, night. Sorry, it's night here.
Ok, so first off... OW! The capitalization sort of strained my eyes. It's annoying and plain distracting. I hope you don't find this rude, but it rather is.
So, over here:
"A MORAL SAID BY A GREAT MAN
UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL"
This feels broken somehow, fragmented. You could cut out the moral thing, since it isn't really a moral, it's a saying. Plus, you could improve sentence structure by saying something like: "A great man once said" or whatever.
Then over here:
"WE COULD HAVE SOLVED PROBLEMS THROUGH
PEACE"
I hope this line break was accidental.It really breaks the flow of the poem. I like the idea, but you could have focused it on P.K more. Are you from Pakistan or were you just visiting? I have family there too. It's actually a pretty cool place.
I hope this helped! Keep writing!
Hey there! Robbie here.
Wow. I'm really glad that you wrote this, and I think it's wonderful that you were inspired by something that's really affecting our world today.
I agree with dragonfphoenix. The capitalization makes it a little difficult to concentrate while reading the poem and it makes it difficult to tell which parts are being emphasized. However, upon thinking over this further, I understand that the severity of the situation almost calls for it.
There were just a few parts that I feel needed punctuation in order to distinguish between thoughts.
"BUT WHAT TO DO THEY NEVER GOT SOLVED"
This should be: "BUT WHAT TO DO? THEY NEVER GOT SOLVED"
"BUT WHAT WAS THE RESULT, WE NEVER GOT PEACE"
This should be: "BUT WHAT WAS THE RESULT? WE NEVER GOT PEACE"
Just a couple of suggestions. But I'm really happy that this was written. I'm glad that I read it. I'm glad that there are people out there who are conscious of global problems, and I'm really glad that you were able to experience this firsthand and, therefore, that you were able to have a genuine perspective on these issues. Kudos! Keep up the good work.
Knight Dragon of the Knights of the Green Room, here to review!
First piece of advice: change your formatting. ALL CAPS FOR HOWEVER MANY LINES YOU HAVE HERE IS VERY TIRING ON THE EYES AND IT DOESN'T HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT CAPITALIZED OR NOT. Hope that gives you a bit of an idea of what that feels like. Now, as for the poem itself, "But what to do they never got solved" was probably the most awkward sentence in the entire poem. Minimum suggestion would be to delete "got". And that break line right before the last line is a little unnecessary, as is the bolded last line. Let the poem speak for itself.
Hope this helps!