Young Writers Society

For Review Day and the Contest prize!

While the rhyme is a little bit forced in some of the spots in this poem, it really is a masterpiece, a work of great art. It tells the story perfectly, it shows the terrible emotions and longing.

The rhyme seemed a teensy bit forced in these places, like you just used that word so that you could move on and finish the rest of the poem:

I said they're stupid and laughed at [bold] them. [/bold]

Not knowing that it might actually [bold] happen. [/bold]

Out of those petty jokes and [bold] tease, [/bold]

My likeness for you gradually [bold] increased. [/bold]

I know you do not feel the same [bold] way. [/bold]

And it brings me sorrow and so much [bold] pain. [/bold]

Yet one look from you and I'm [bold] gone. [/bold]

Loving you made me so [bold] forlorn. [/bold]

Aww.
You've got something here and it is nicely presented. Particularly the last line. I like the use of punctuation and the one stanza thing is good because it makes the ideas flow into one. What you're talking about is a universal theme that appeals to everyone, so I think everyone can enjoy this poem.

Wow, great poem! The thing I love about poetry is how much emotion can be packed into so few words, and for the most part, you did a good job on that. However, there were a couple points where the rhythm felt a bit choppy, even when reading silently.

The line "I know you do not feel the same way. And it brings me sorrow and so much pain," might come across more effectively if you took out the word "way", and in the next line, replaced "and it" with "which."

I'd give this poem a 4/5. Keep up the good work!

Hey! ajruby12 here to review!
Ok, I just have to say first off, wow! I really like this poem! And even though it doesn't directly relate to me, I can feel that sort of attraction to it. Um, a couple areas went a little off rhythm that I noticed. Also, it seems you were trying to rhyme all the last words, but a couple didn't exactly rhyme, which is fine, of course. I think you really thought over this and honestly, you did a really good job on this! Keep up the good work!

-Squire Ariana (The Silver Lady)

I love this poem. However, there are just a few errors in rhythm and rhyme.
"I said they're stupid and laughed at them.

Not knowing that it might actually happen.

Out of those petty jokes and tease, "

The first lines in the quote are really out of rhythm, and them and happen do not rhyme. The other thing is in the last line that I quoted, you use tease as a noun. Tease is actually a verb, so it doesn't flow correctly. I think a better way to word the lines would be

"Out of those petty jokes and teases,
My likeness for you gradually increases."
That way it flows and rhymes better. Also, to skip just one space instead of two, press shift-enter. That way you can have individual stanzas. The last thing I have is

"Yet one look from you and I'm gone.
Loving you made me so forlorn." Forlorn and gone don't rhyme, AND the rhythm is off. Try this;
"Yet one look from you and I am gone.
Loving you makes me so forlorn."
So, take out the contraction and change made to makes. And suddenly you have two lines that flow beautifully, and you hardly notice the two words don't rhyme.

Despite my criticisms, I really did love this poem. I thought that your rhyming was really creative, and I can see you have a great vocabulary. Great job.

Hi lyricalrebel,so here is Dark to give review on your poem.

It seems you certainly enjoy to write poems on love theme.I was wondering, if you are also able to write poems with other themes.I'm sure it would be interesting.

What I love about your your poem is because it was easy to understand.Your poem is also full of feelings and nice to read.Not much to say,I just like the end of your poem here;

# Because this scar in my heart would never mend.

I want to say, "I hate being just your friend!"

Good job and keep writing!
Cheers
~Dark