z

Young Writers Society


12+

Fantastical Book 1: The Mirror (Chapter One)

by RedMoon


Jess was standing on a stone floor. It was some kind of cave, made of gray stone. There were several pillars hanging down from the walls, with identical pillars coming up from the floor. Stalactites and stalagmites, she remembered after a moment. The sound of dripping echoed from somewhere deeper. There were several different tunnels in the back of the cave, one of which was glowing brightly.

Curious, Jess stepped toward the glowing tunnel, not at all frightened. The light wrapped around her, forming a blanket of soft yellow light. It warmed her inside, making her feel safe. She stepped into the tunnel, which led to a smaller version of the cave she had just left behind. The only difference was the pool of glowing blue water in the corner. The yellow glow pulsed suddenly, drawing her attention to the opposite corner where a large mirror stood propped on it's side. It was tall, one of those old body length mirrors without a stand. It was made out of a dark wood, decorated with etchings of silver leaves. The glass was glowing brightly, and Jess reached a hand out to touch it. The light pulsed once more and then winked out.

A growling at the back of the cave made her freeze. Forgetting the mirror, she turned around slowly. A large cat beast stood at the opening of the tunnel. It was bigger than any wild cat Jess had ever seen, with a mane like a lion, but fur as brown as mud. Its face was distorted and it took a moment for Jess to figure out why: it had no eyes. There was nothing but a large, brown nose and a huge mouth. It waved its head back and forth, sniffing at the air and growling loudly.

Suddenly, its head whipped around towards Jess and it roared, shaking the cave. Then, faster than she thought possible, it jumped forward. In one big bound, it was in front of her, roaring angrily. Jess screamed and fell back as the mouth opened above her, revealing large yellow fangs, dripping with saliva. Jess closed her eyes waiting for the teeth to bite...

Something small and furry jumped onto her head and began running a wet tongue over her face. Jess jerked up in her bed, stifling a scream, and looked down.

"Ginger!" she cried, more from relief than anything. "You scared me. Don't ever do that again."

A small, brown poodle looked up at her, mouth slightly open so it looked like it was smiling. Its tail wagged so furiously that its whole bottom waggled with it. Jess gave up trying to look severe and grinned. It was hard to act serious when the dog was around.

"All right, girl. I forgive you," Jess said, kissing the top of the dog's head.

Ginger gave a soft wuff, jumped off the bed, and went across the hall to wake up Jess' little brother, Tad. Jess grinned as she heard a cry from his room and got out of bed. It was six o'clock and the sun was just rising over the distant hills. School started at seven thrity, so there was no need to hurry. She pulled on a pair of blue jean shorts and a white blouse and looked in the mirror to check her hair.

It was a dark brown mass of curls, so tangled it looked worse than the deepest parts of a jungle in South America. Jess looked at it with disgust. The girls at school never seemed to have this problem. Their hair was always perfectly managed, without a hair out of place. They were never awkward either. Jess was always being awkward. She was sixteen but she was about as tall as a fifth grader, just under five feet, horribly skinny and creme colored, no matter how many hours under the sun she spent. She also had freckles, and, on her skin, they always stood out like dark blotches on her face.

Jess sighed and wished she could go on in happy oblivion like Ginger seemed to do. All the dog ever did was eat, sleep and use the bathroom. At least she didn't have to worry about her looks like Jess was always doing. Sighing, Jess pulled back her hair in a wild ponytail, slipped on some socks and went downstairs for breakfast.

"Morning, princess," said her mother as she came to he table.

She stood at the stove with her back to Jess, turning only to give her a smile before returning to breakfast. Lara Evans was every bit the beauty that Jess was not. She had long, light brown, wavy hair that fell over her shoulders like silk. Her skin, the same shade as Jess', didn't have any embarrassing freckles and was as soft as a baby's. When she smiled, she lit up the whole room and her bright green eyes always sparkled when she was excited.

"Breakfast will be done in a moment. Did you sleep well?"

Jess winced.

"Uh, yeah, fine, it was fine," Jess lied, remembering her dream.

With Ginger scaring her as badly as she had, Jess had completely forgotten about her nightmare. Now, when her mother mentioned sleep, it had all come rushing back to her. The roars of the large cat beast thing still echoed within the chambers of her head and she shivered inwardly. For the past few nights she had been having the same dream, sometimes in different places, always including the cat beast and the mirror. After the first night, she had written it off as bad food (her father had cooked), but when it occured twice more, including last night, she had to wonder if it was something else. She had never heard of anyone ever having recurring dreams like hers before.The same thing always happend. She would take in her surroundings, find the glowing mirror, and then the cat beast would show up and she would wake in a cold sweat. It scared her enough that she considered telling her parents, but they had enough on their plates without her adding to their problems.

"Here you go. Breakfast is served."

The voice cut through her thoughts and Jess looked down at the table as her mother placed a plate of eggs and bacon in front of her. Jess smiled up at her, giving her a silent thank you, but only picked at the food. Lara gave her a worried look.

"Are you alright?" she asked, reaching across the table to feel Jess' forehead. "You're not getting sick are you?"

Jess pushed away her hand. "No, mom. I'm fine. I just didn't sleep well last night. I'm tired, is all."

Lara frowned. "You shouldn't be staying up as late as I've been letting you. It's just that school is over in less than two weeks and I thought it wouldn't really make a difference." She paused and looked sideways at Jess and then said a little more softly, "Unless this has something to do with your father and me. I know things have been a little difficult lately. If there's anything you want to talk abou-"

"No, nothing," Jess said quickly, but firmly.

She didn't want to do this right now. Her mom looked worried but nodded. She opened her mouth as if to say more, but Tad came trudging down the steps grumbling about dogs. She gave Jess one last hesitant look before going to get Tad his breakfast. Jess was grateful for Tad's presence in the room. She bent her head to eat her breakfast and tried to banish thoughts of parental problems from her head.


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935 Reviews


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:59 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Moon!

Shady back with a review for the next bit of your story~

Forgetting the mirror
~ Minor typo.

Then, it jumped , landing just in front of her.
~ This is really choppy. Try adding a bit more...I don't know what word to call it. Smoothness. And maybe more description? "Then it leaped forward, its large claws making scratches on the smooth floor as it landed near to where she stood." I dunno. Something.

She also had freckles, and, on her skin, they always stood out like dark blotches on her face.
~ Erm...this reads awkwardly. Like... freckles *are* dark blotches. xP That's what they are, it's not what they're like.

She had long, light brown, wavy hair that fell over her shoulders like silk.
~ Mm, there's nothing wrong with this, but it read better if you re-arranged it. "She had long, wavy hair that fell over her shoulders like a thatch of light brown silk."

she had written it off as bad food (her father had cooked)
~ hahaha! I like this. That parenthetical comment is perfect. Nonchalantly slipped in, humorous, perfect. <3
~

Okay! I'm still digging this story. It's perfectly paced, and, honestly, I like the fact that these scenes are so short. It's a nice bit of amusement, without overwhelming us with information or plot. Like, nice little teasers. I like this story quite a lot.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Thu Oct 10, 2013 5:48 pm
WaitingForLife wrote a review...



Heya, not quite the morning anymore, but here none-the-less to give my few cents.

I'm assuming Jess here is our Earthly protagonist, soon to discover the dimension-travelers, what with the strange recurring dream and all. I like her character. She's instantly likeable and, maybe more importantly, someone most anyone can relate to on some level. You've done a fine job with her.

The only part I'd like more from her is inside the dream. We learn that she's curious, and then not really frightened, and then sort of frightened once the beast shows up. I'd like for you to spruce up the 'sort of frightened' -part, if only with a single sentence, and show us her fear. For a quick example, a good place to put something in is when the atmosphere changes - at the initial growling. The growl setting her skin to crawling, or a sinking feeling in her stomach, just something to emphasise the change in atmosphere.

Plot-wise, I don't yet have much to say, this only being the first chapter, but the dream was a nice touch. Also liked the comic relief that Ginger's licking provided (I've also a dog that does this, but she's too busy to jump on the bed. Just a hit-and-run with a couple of licks on the nose and then it's back to adventuring for her :D).

Arright, nitpicking time. I'll try to avoid repeating things others have already mentioned.

A large cat beast stood at the opening Jess had stepped through.


I don't like the last bit, "Jess had stepped through". If the opening is the only way to get into the cave, stating that it was the same one she stepped through is redundant. If there's more than one opening, bring attention to that and you can use this line as it is. Otherwise, I suggest cutting it.

It waved its head back and forth, sniffing loudly at the air and growling loudly.


You used the same adverb twice in the same sentence; try changing one up to better the flow.

Jess sat up in bed quickly, stifling a scream, and looked down.


Since the 'stifling a scream' is a side statement (or side sentence, whatever), it should be enclosed by commas. "Jess sat up in bed quickly and looked down." is the primary sentence in this instance. Also, try going for something more than 'quickly' here, as it is kinda neutral. Something along the lines of "shot up from her bed". Just a suggestion, though.

All the dog ever did was eat, sleep, and use the bathroom


You don't really need the comma between 'sleep' and 'and', because it's a list.

..., slipped on some socks and went downstairs to breakfast.


For breakfast? To breakfast? I'm not sure which one is correct, or if it's just a matter of preference, but I use 'for'. *shrugs*

...still echoed within the chambers of her own head.


You don't need the 'own' here, and it sounds better without it.

"Unless this has something to do with your father as me.


What do you mean with the bold bit? It doesn't make sense the way it is worded.

"No, nothing," Jess said quickly, but firmly.


Just a comma missing.

..., but Tad came walking down the steps grumbling about dogs.


Might I suggest 'stomping' or 'trudging' in place of 'walking'? Walking feels too neutral here when Tad is clearly disgruntled. Or just "Tad came down the steps". I just don't like 'walking' in this instance.

-----

Again, only a few grammatical or stylistic problems. Good, solid writing once more, and I'm still interested where this will go. Now we've, I assume at least, the core set of protagonists lined up and ready for action. Let's find out where they'll take us.

Keep writing, and feel free to PM me again with further chapters. :)

Yours truly,
|Life|




RedMoon says...


Thanks for the review. And I meant "and" when I said "Unless this has something to do with your father 'as' me." *Sheepish grin* I guess I need to look over my stories more carfeully from now on.





Haha, yeah, that makes a lot more sense. :D



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Wed Oct 09, 2013 11:56 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Hi, as you can see from my username I am Knight Teen of the Green Room Knights, here to review your piece and knock it out of the Green Room.

There were several pilars hanging down from the walls, with identical pilars coming up from the floor.


Sorry to be a nitpicker (I'm a grammar Nazi) but "pillars" is spelled with two "L's".

There were several different holes in the back of the cave, one of which was glowing brightly.


Are they holes or are they tunnels? By saying holes that's implying that they are holes in the ground, while tunnels means that they are in the wall.

Alright, one thing that I have noticed is that you like commas. A lot. You don't need to use so many so close together, however. No more than three a paragraph is good, any more and it looks a little weird. See? I wrote this paragraph and only used two commas. (Yes my paragraph it short but you get the point)


A large cat beast stood at the opening Jess had stepped through.


Misspelled word


I thought that this was very good, first of all because of the few grammar mistakes, and second of all because this was an enjoyable to read.

I was pleasantly surprised when the first part of the story turned out to be a dream, and me being surprised is....well.....surprising. Ginger seemed very cute.

I'm very intrigued as to what happens next. Jess is a very likable and relatable character, and I find myself wanting to know more about her and her journey. A lot more.

Keep up the good work!

KT




RedMoon says...


Tunnels!!! I knew that holes was the wrong word to use, but I couldn't remember what that other word was. Well, tunnels was it, so thanks. And I know that I use a lot of commas. It's kind of habit, because I'm always afraid that I'll use them wrong.
Thanks for that. And Ginger is based off my own dog. She jumps on the head of anyone she wants to wake up and starts licking their face. The only part I left out was the bad breath.



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Wed Oct 09, 2013 2:48 am
Messenger wrote a review...



The Knight Messenger here to review for KotGR, as requested.
I will put the errors I spotted first.

Its face was sort of distorted and it took a moment for Jess to figure out why

I think using the words, sort of, don't look as good in a book. It's better to put it in more correct terms. I know it might be how Jess would think it, but it doesn't look so good written down.

That's the only thing I saw. There are probably some technical errors, but I am not too good with those. So, story-line-wise I loved it. I though it really got the reader into it fast. I know it hooked me. but It think you need a little bit more terror when the cat beast first shows up. Add Jess' heart beating fast, her last thoughts, her shriek.
Keep it up!





Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis