Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
If you had never left you would be sitting here right now,
Proof reading this paper;
I would not be missing class.
If you had never left we would be going to homecoming together;
I would get to cheer for you at the pep rally;
I would not be driving myself.
(line break)
If you had never left I would not have given my innocence to the boy who sells drugs;
His evils would never have tempted me.
If you had never left my summer would not have been spent sitting on my ass;
I would not have put on that weight; I would not have starved myself to loose it.
But if you had never left, you would not have gotten scouted by the Yankees.
(line break)
If you had never left I would not be pushing myself so hard, trying to get out of here too.
If you had never left I would be too attached to you by now anyway;
It's better not to keep anyone close;
I'm probably better off without.
(line break)
But if you had never left your eyes wouldn’t light up at the thought of going to school.
You would never have developed the crucial relationship with your father,
Which you yearned over for so long.
You would still dream about the day when you would leave here;
leave me.
(line break)
So is that worth the tears I cry at night?
To see pictures of you smiling.
Is it worth the blackness I feel when I stand in the dugout and watch someone else throw ball after ball, after ball, when clearly you would have thrown three strikes,
To know you are playing for better teams now?
Is it worth the laziness I feel when no one pushes me to believe in my dreams,
When you are living yours?
Is it worth never being able to numb the pain,
Just to know you are happier somewhere else; with someone else?
(line break)
If you have everything you want-
If you get scouted by every school you ever wanted to-
If you met the blonde hair, blue-eyed girl of your dreams-
If you finally have the sense of satisfaction you so desperately searched for-
Then I know whole-heartedly, yes it is
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,699 Literary Works • 672,062 Reviews
Hi!
).
I really like this. Im kinda new to this so if my review is wrong feel free to correct me
The diction and grammar for me is good. The formatting isnt a problem.
For me, i think that the girl really likes this guy and that she feels lonely that he's not there anymore. A lot of us girls feel sad when someone we like goes away or if they cant respond to our feelings.
I really like this and the title really suits the poem.
Keep up the good work!
Hi there rholste! Thank you for the reviews on my pieces and welcome to YWS! Nite here to return the favor.
Quick note about the formatting: Yeah, it's messy. Nate's working on a better editor, but in the meantime read this. How to format your poetry on YWS
Overall, this clearly shows you have talent. It's an often-done topic, but there's enough imagery and interesting wording to make it stand out.
However, it is somewhat obvious that this began as a diary entry. There are some parts that could be trimmed or reworked because they sound a tad cliche. Examples:
The first one is fairly common in writing (recent examples include Taylor Swift's "Fifteen" and "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"). You could cut it or add more to it.
The second one's just boring. Cut it.
Another thing that bothered me was the use of semicolons. I personally dislike them because it's difficult to know when to use them. When I see them, I tend to get distracted by "Is that correct usage" and focus less on the words.
This is a good line that also demonstrates the proper use of the semicolon. The two clauses are independent (can be their own sentence), but are related. The semicolon works here because it emphasizes this connection.
The first semicolon isn't needed, as "proofreading this paper" isn't an independent clause. I think a comma after "left" and no punctuation after "now" would look better. The second semicolon is okay.
Overall, there's some excellent imagery and use of the baseball metaphor. There are some areas that could be polished. Good job and keep writing!
Thank you very much, this review was extremely helpful! As I had said, this more started as scribbled thoughts in a notebook, so much of it indeed was far too cliche. What can I say, I'm a dramatic teenage girl! I especially appreciate the grammar advice, that has always been my weakness. Though some things were just little errors I didn't catch while proofing, these tips will help a lot!
Wow, this is absolutely stunning, especially for a first work. The emotion in it was raw and I could really feel your pain. Your vocabulary was nice and felt quite natural, and most of the flow was really smooth. What I might suggest is to make it a little shorter, since it runs a little long. Maybe just cut out one or two of the paragraphs, or at least just shave off a few of the sentences and combine them into one. Overall, nice work
. Keep writing!!!
I did find a handful of grammar errors, however. For example, in the line "if you get scouted by every school you ever wanted to go to and then some-" you seem to end in mid sentence. Was that a mistake? I would suggest shortening it to "If you get scouted by every school you ever wanted," and just leaving it at that. The reader will understand what you're getting at.
Also, the line, "If you had never left I would be attached too you by now anyway," sounds very awkward and has some mistakes. Change it to "If you had never left I would be attached to you, anyway." There are a few more mistakes, but I don't necessarily have the time to point them out, so I'd just suggest re-reading this a few more times and just picking them out as they come to view. Also, you missed a few periods so look at your punctuation.
All in all, I loved this
Thanks for the review! I definitely do need to make it shorter, this was just getting my ideas out! I was trying to make it read like one big run on sentence in a way, but that was probably a but too ambitious for a first draft haha. Thanks again for the feedback, I really appreciate it!
I like how you explored all the various areas of the pain, and how at the end you said all of it was worth it if he was happy. Formatting, you should be able to do a quick Google search for the solution to line breaks in bbcode. I found one that I think might work, but I don't know if I typed it in the review if the coding would make it disappear or not, and typing it out doesn't tell you anything. http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?t=1531988
I'm not sure if you were going for a meter, but there wasn't any real form to the actual lines. And I don't think this is the type of poem that should be put into verse, especially considering how personal it is.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for the tip! Formatting was especially tricky because I was on an IPad so hopefully tomorrow I will be able to clean up the formatting problems! Thanks for the tips