Young Writers Society

Hey Shailla! Before I go on to review your first chapter I swung by to read the prologue first. I'm usually weary about vampire stories, but I think you're onto something if you stray from the cliché scenarios that usually pop up in vampire stories. With unique characters and plot, you will have a great story in the making!

That being said, careful with how you convey emotion through your story. Sometimes, less words are more. If you choose the right words to convey the terror and shame that Arabella feels, you can hit just the right notes to make a reader sympathize. The sentence "For a while I didn't say a word." speaks volumes all on its own. You didn't need to add why she couldn't speak. You didn't need to add what was racing through her head. We already knew, because in those few words, we could feel the hot lump in her throat and the impact of the situation hitting her.

The dialogue between Arabella and Mr. Thompson needs to be slightly revised. Grammatically, there are a few errors. I'll just point a couple out for future reference.

“What do you mean you did it again.” He Blared

You only want to capitalize proper nouns after dialogue, so words like he/she/it aren't capitalized. Also, you don't want a period there, but a question mark. Blared does not need to be capitalized.

Correct: "What do you mean you did it again?" he blared.


“What do you….”He paused and then sighed “Arabella honey I’m all ears now tell me what did you do?”

Usually, you only need three periods when there's a pause in dialogue, and when a character is talking to another character directly and says their name, you want a comma after the name.

Correct: "What do you..." He paused and then sighed. "Arabella, honey, I'm all ears. Now tell me, what did you do?"

If you have any questions or need help editing any other mistakes, let me know and I would be more than happy to help. I'm on my way to read chapter one now! (-:

Wow, I was wondering what was going on when she said "so many times before". If she's done it so many times before, she should be able to control it by now. Who's Mr. Thompson?

It's a nice story, and I like the main character's name. It's pretty. Also I started following you, mostly because I liked your avatar. ^U^

Okay, minor things first. You need to check your spelling, punctuation, and spacing. There are times where the next sentence is jammed right up against the period of the preceding sentence, and that makes it hard to weed out each new line. Also, there were a few comma splices, and sometimes you had an exclamation point or period instead of a question mark (with a few omitted commas).
But that aside, it's time for the plot.
All right, I sorta like the idea of a morally conscious vampire. However, I feel like you're overplaying the emotions too much. Arabella falls on the ground so suddenly I'm feeling the jerk as well, but not because of the description. And she dropped the phone? Her one lifeline (to paraphrase how you put it), and she drops it [oh, and breaks it] because of overpowering emotions? I think if she were that desperate, she'd be clinging to that phone for all she's worth, even if she does fall to the ground. So perhaps you should reevaluate that section.
Hope this helps!