Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
I actually felt worth it. I had found somebody to possibly spend the rest of my life with, and i know I'm going to get him taken away from me. I watched him with wide eyes, as he cocked it to Luke's head. "Why did you run away pudding-cup?" Kristoff asks me, slightly grinning. "To get away from you, you sick, twisted, bastard." I spat, now sobbing.Why does he do this to me? He's already did thw worst. Why did he have to find me at my happiest, and fuck it up? Why does he do this to me? Luke looks at me, eyes red, and says,"I'll miss you." Kristoff cocks the gun, ready to shoot him. the one I actually love, the one who would'nt take me for granted,the one who truly loved me. He smiles."Sleep tight, Luke" I made my final plea. "Kristoff, no!" I'm Elizabeth Foy, and this is my story.
Well, that starts with a probably horrible being committed there right at the very beginning. There's definitely no holding back going on there when it comes to playing right to the heartstrings with this sort of thing to start with. You get the mention that something horrible is going to happen and it just happens right away.
At any rate, going into detail here, one thing I'd suggest right away is putting that last line as a separate paragraph. As it is, with it being just sort of tagged along to the end of the previous paragraph, it kinda doesn't have the same power that it could have if it was its own paragraph at the end.
Moving past that one, the whole sequence of someone coming in with a gun to shoot this person and the whole scene plays out really nicely here. The tension being built up with the man coming in with the gun and then the time it takes to get to the actually shooting parts does a wonderful job with building suspense. All in all, this is a really solid start to a story that you've got right here...and it definitely makes you want to find out more about what happened.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4100
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