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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Run And Hide. (Edited)

by alexistaianna, cosplayJ2


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

I actually felt worth it. I had found somebody to possibly spend the rest of my life with, and i know I'm going to get him taken away from me. I watched him with wide eyes, as he cocked it to Luke's head. "Why did you run away pudding-cup?" Kristoff asks me, slightly grinning. "To get away from you, you sick, twisted, bastard." I spat, now sobbing.Why does he do this to me? He's already did thw worst. Why did he have to find me at my happiest, and fuck it up? Why does he do this to me? Luke looks at me, eyes red, and says,"I'll miss you." Kristoff cocks the gun, ready to shoot him. the one I actually love, the one who would'nt take me for granted,the one who truly loved me. He smiles."Sleep tight, Luke" I made my final plea. "Kristoff, no!" I'm Elizabeth Foy, and this is my story.


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Thu Jul 22, 2021 10:46 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I actually felt worth it. I had found somebody to possibly spend the rest of my life with, and i know I'm going to get him taken away from me. I watched him with wide eyes, as he cocked it to Luke's head. "Why did you run away pudding-cup?" Kristoff asks me, slightly grinning. "To get away from you, you sick, twisted, bastard." I spat, now sobbing.Why does he do this to me? He's already did thw worst. Why did he have to find me at my happiest, and fuck it up? Why does he do this to me? Luke looks at me, eyes red, and says,"I'll miss you." Kristoff cocks the gun, ready to shoot him. the one I actually love, the one who would'nt take me for granted,the one who truly loved me. He smiles."Sleep tight, Luke" I made my final plea. "Kristoff, no!" I'm Elizabeth Foy, and this is my story.


Well, that starts with a probably horrible being committed there right at the very beginning. There's definitely no holding back going on there when it comes to playing right to the heartstrings with this sort of thing to start with. You get the mention that something horrible is going to happen and it just happens right away.

At any rate, going into detail here, one thing I'd suggest right away is putting that last line as a separate paragraph. As it is, with it being just sort of tagged along to the end of the previous paragraph, it kinda doesn't have the same power that it could have if it was its own paragraph at the end.

Moving past that one, the whole sequence of someone coming in with a gun to shoot this person and the whole scene plays out really nicely here. The tension being built up with the man coming in with the gun and then the time it takes to get to the actually shooting parts does a wonderful job with building suspense. All in all, this is a really solid start to a story that you've got right here...and it definitely makes you want to find out more about what happened. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:29 pm
omgitstaylorchu says...



I kinda think you need to add more.....




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:56 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to say...I'm extremely puzzled. Did you take this down to edit it? You should let readers know by changing the title to "down for editing" or "removed" or "editing" or something that tells us that it's no longer up there. I came to review for Review Day, and was sadly disappointed to find it gone. Would you please consider reposting the unedited version temporarily for review day? When you do, let me know and I'll be back to give this a real review. Hope this helps!




Blackwood says...


That wasn't a review bro...



Blackwood says...


Nah its all good. I'll just throw you in some pineapple juice.


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Haha :)



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:55 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



Alright, Hey there, I am reviewing on this page for the sake of getting it out of the greenroom, but I am reviewing for what is written in "Chappie 1" as written on the sidebar, since this is blank.

First thing first, my friend, I feel you need some paragraphs. we have a bit of a text block here, it would be nice for some spacing. Some places that I would suggest include--
One here. (also you had an extra comma that I removed for you)

.....But now I realize I am, and have to do the same.

To be honest, who do have have to call?......


The next bit has some capitalization errors. Also you need a space after each comma or period.
here's where the next paragraph break should go.

....no shoulders to lean on, nothing.

I sit on the cold pavement in frustration.....


Next place is here: I also corrected a minor thing.
All these questions pestered my mind as I really thought about it and how I loved him.

Kristoff Withers was my third boyfriend in my second year at United Minds Prep, and I loved him to bits.


Next break is here:
to his home, and held me captive.

It wasn't until now that I escaped,


You need to start a new line for dialogue too. Also some of the 'paragraph' breaks I suggested would be more suited to line breaks but I put paragraph breaks since the publishing center cant do line breaks.



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I had the same problem before when editing.I did it in pargraphs,but it comes out in a dabble. Im sorry.



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Tue Sep 10, 2013 6:14 am
nikki95 says...



wow...that made me want to read more..way good!



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Thanks :)



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Tue Sep 10, 2013 6:13 am
nikki95 says...






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Wed Sep 04, 2013 8:43 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Okay, first of all your prologue is way too short (and typo-ed; you need to put the U behind the G). Also, you need to fix your spacing. There should be a space between every comma and the word that follows it. A lot of your words are smashed right up onto the commas. And that last sentence is really "tell"y. Good, you gave us a name, but then that? You're not even 'just getting started', and then BAM! Welp, interview over people! So I'd suggest making this a little longer. Five sentences make a paragraph, but a paragraph a prologue does not make. You need to give us MORE! We don't have much to go on here, or any reason to continue. We have a name, we have a runner, and we have an idealist, so thank you now we can go home.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm just describing my initial impression of this. I mean, I pulled this up, I blinked, and I saw the entire chapter in about a second flat. Then I read it in about thirty. That's just way too short. It was like a puff of empty air that hadn't even tickled my skin before it was gone. Way too short.
Hope this helps!
P.S.-You don't have to rate this work at such a high rating yet. When you post the chapters with that stuff in it, then by all means do so. But three gunshots and you're giving it an 18+ rating? Percy Jackson was way more violent than that and it's set at juvenile fiction. Now, you might be trying to forewarn readers, but if you're going to go that far, just throw that stuff into the prologue so readers get a taste of what's to come.



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Thanks for your help! Edited version will be up! Could you read the other chapter? As soon as i post It!


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Actually no Prolouge, Just Chapters now that I thought about it thanks.




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