z

Young Writers Society


12+

A Heart Of Secrets

by mrsdamonsalvatore


I never thought my life would end like this, I had always hoped I would die old and surrounded by my grandchildren. But instead I was going to die young, not even surrounded by my children - because I don't have any yet -and feeling scared and vulnerable. I hadn't even got to tell my family goodbye before death took them all, as it would with me soon, and now all I could think about was all the things I never got to do and all the places I never got to visit.

Pushing myself up off my back and brushing my messy brown hair out my eyes I tried to sit up and look around, the first thing I noticed was the lack of life in the room, and the amount of dead bodies around me. To my left was my baby brother, John, and next to him his twin sister Lucy. Pain and upset filled me as I looked at their tiny lifeless bodies, they weren't even one yet and there life had been brutally taken. To my right were my mother and father, both of their throats had chunks missing from where it had been ripped out, unlike John and Lucy's throats which both had two perfect puncture marks each. And behind my mother and father was my last family member, my sister Erin. Erin had always been my favorite family member, the one person I was inseparable from, she had only been five, which meant there was a twelve year age gap between us, and ever since she was born I had always enjoyed looking after her, dressing her and even braiding her hair on her very first day at school. Looking at Erin, everything that had happened finally sunk in and tears began to fall freely down my cheeks.

It had all started about an hour ago, just after I had arrived home from school, when we heard a knock at the back door. My mum had got up to answer it, curious at who would be knocking on the back door, especially as everyone usually came to the front door but even that was rare because we only had two neighbors and that was it for a few miles.

As my mother began to open the door a tall, well built man pushed past her and into our house followed by another man of similar build. Both men looked extremely alike and could have been brothers from their matching hair, both styled in a spiky fashion and both jet black, and from the dark colour of their eyes, which were too dark for me to decide on a specific colour. Also from the way they walked at such a brisk pace and from their paleness I could tell they weren't human, and they definitely weren't here for tea and biscuits nor were they here for a nice little chat, I could tell that whatever was about to happen wouldn't be good and that they were going to make sure of it. I looked towards my mother and father who were stood together by the now closed door holding each others hands, their faces mirroring each others fear. I expected them to say something,or for them to demand to know what these men were doing here but they just stood in silence. So I spoke, hoping to sound brave and in charge, but I'm not quite sure I managed it. " Excuse me! But who are you and what do you think you are doing here?" The first man took a step towards me raising his hand and expecting me to shake it. Not wanting to be rude I shook his hand but quickly removed mine from his, feeling shock over how cold his hand was, the man just laughed at me shaking his head as if I was a little child that had done something cute and funny, finally he stopped laughing and gestured over to the other man.

"This is James and I am Cole, and we are here because your father has failed to do the job that he promised to do and now we are here to make him pay, starting with your mother."

I must have blinked because when I looked at where the man - Cole - had been he was gone, So i swung my head to look at my mother and she was gone too. A loud laugh suddenly sounded from across the room and as I turned I saw Cole stood holding my mother in front of him, with her head tilted to the side exposing her throat. A scream escaped from my mouth as I watched him bite into her throat and rip a piece of her flesh off before again sinking his teeth into her skin and drinking her blood. Terror began to spread through my body and I frantically tried to decide what to do, I needed to escape. Suddenly I was sent flying across the room as the other man - James - threw me effortlessly across the room and into the wall. My head hit the wall and then a pointed piece of wood was thrown in my direction by my father.

What the hell was happening some freaks had just charged into our house and now one was latched onto my mothers throat, one had just effortlessly thrown me across a room and my father had just thrown me what looked like a stake.

But I didn't have time to worry about the abnormality of the situation because James had just landed in front of me. I scrambled across the floor to pick up the stake and grabbed it just before I was picked up by the hair. I managed to stop myself from screaming and instead plunged the stake into James' stomach, he let out a moan and dropped me to the floor before falling to the ground himself. Taking the opportunity to escape I ran across the room in search of the twins and Erin, the twins were no where to be seen but I found Erin curled up behind a curtain. "Erin where are the twins, are they upstairs?" She looked at me fear in her eyes and nodded. " Okay Erin I want you to run to the front door and get outside, and then run and find someone, anyone and get them to call the police. But no matter what you must not come back in here Okay?" She nodded and immediately ran in the direction of the front door, and I ran the opposite way towards the back door then through the kitchen and towards the stairs. I quickly climbed the stairs and raced into the twins room, finding them both asleep in their beds, there blonde hair messy and them both cuddling their blankets. Not worried about waking them I grabbed them both and hurried back down the stairs, just at the door when James stepped in front of me blocking my way.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 9

Donate
Wed Sep 04, 2013 1:18 am
Minjeong wrote a review...



Really great hook! I was immediately enchanted by your choice of words.
When you wrote...
"As my mother began to open the door a tall, well built (!!) man pushed past her and into our house followed by another man of similar build (!!) ."
You are using the word "built (build) twice here. I don't mean it's an error, but maybe there could be a different choice of vocabulary?
Also, when the men latches onto your mom's throat, you might want to express more of the franticness. All you wrote was...
"A scream escaped from my mouth......I frantically decided what to do."
I mean, there's an extremely good description you got there, but if you saw that happening to your own mom in your very eyes that moment I would have probably paralyzed or something... It's good, but I'm just suggested you add a bit more emotion to it.
Also there is a grammatical error.
You wrote: "What the hell was happening some freaks had just charged into our house......"
I think you meant: What the hell was happening? Some freaks just charged into our house......

It is extremely good, but these were just some suggestions :)




User avatar
27 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 27

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:58 pm
sarahnsnow wrote a review...



Wow... this story was pretty intense!! And it's so sad what happened to her her family. You had a good flow of sentences and I could picture the scene in my head. "What the hell was happening some freaks had just charged into our house..." Maybe you can change that around a little to make it sound better. Maybe make it one of her thoughts because it was probably so unexpected that she had to have thoughts about what was going on. I also wonder why these guys were involved with her father and why they killed her family? Anyway, good job and keep writing! :)




User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 13620
Reviews: 212

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:15 pm
birk wrote a review...



Hey Ms. Salvatore!

I actually reviewed your only other work way back when you joined, it was among my first reviews. I'm glad you're back, now lets see how my reviews have improved...and mainly how your writing has.

First off, your writing has indeed improved. Though, to be honest, I liked the overall plot of your older story better. That story was quite mysterious.

One thing this story does well though, is setting up a very well motivated protagonist out for vengence. This pretty much sets up the archetypal hero with a lust for vengence. For good or bad.

Now, even though that is still there, the way you write and set it up is a bit jumbled. For the introduction to a supernatural story, its a bit lacking. No backstory or even expositions about what kind of world this is or whether the main character (who I just realised has no name, yet.) or any others are aware of the existence of supernatural beings.

We would also need backstory on this business the father was involved with, seeing as without it...I question the motivation of these guys just murdering an entire family in cold blood.

I'll move on to grammatical errors and other comments:
As I said, your writing has improved, but several errors persist.

I never thought my life would end like this, I had always hoped I would die old and surrounded by my grandchildren.
Right off the bat, you do a comma splice. In such cases you should go for a semicolon.

However, this problem occurs throughout the entire piece, so what you need to improve is working around it. Having to many semicolons and sentences that could just stand on their own will ruin a story. Work on writing it different.

Example, with edit:
Pushing myself up from the floor and brushing my messy brown hair out my eyes, I tried to sit up and look around. The first thing I noticed was the lack of life in the room and the amount of dead bodies around me.


Pain and upset filled me

No. You were filled with upset? No.

Suddenly I was sent flying across the room as the other man - James - threw me effortlessly across the room and into the wall. My head hit the wall and then a pointed piece of wood was thrown in my direction by my father.
This entire paragraph is really weak. In fact, all your action scenes are pretty lacking. Action scenes are among the hardest things to write, needs a lot of work. Unless you are writing a high speed car chase...which is damn near impossible ;)

And thats about it. You have a good character background, but little to no character in itself. Flesh her out and write a big journey for her. I'll give that a read.

Cheers
Birkhoff






Thank you again for your review. I sometimes find it hard to find my mistakes and picture my story as others would see it so this will be a huge help. Thank you again



User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 11370
Reviews: 508

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2013 12:13 pm
View Likes
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Okay, two...okay, maybe a few things. First off, I don't know why this is, but the first two paragraphs just didn't engage me. I don't know why, but they didn't. It might have been the comma splices. Starting out your work with bad punctuation was kind of like a deflating moment. (And I do mean "starting". Your first sentence is a comma splice).
That's pretty much the biggest issue with the chapter. There are so many comma splices and run on sentences! I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to reread this carefully and think twice before using a comma. Run on sentences are not okay, and they can be a catalyst for disinterest for readers. So please revise.
Now, story-wise, my biggest question is why didn't they know? If their dad had had dealings with vampires, wouldn't he have forewarned his family, especially if something went sour? Even if he kept his mouth shut (which doesn't make sense), wouldn't the family at least be aware of vampires in general? And if something went south with the vampires, why'd the dad keep his family where they lived? It would make sense that he would have them packing up and shipping out if he knew the vampires were coming.
If he knew. But say he didn't. His actions are way too calm for someone who has no idea what's going on or why strange, inhuman looking people show up at his back door. That just doesn't add up either.
Hope this helps!






Thank you for your review, I understand what your saying I just find it hard to find my own mistakes sometimes. That's why I publish them on here to get feedback and also so I can find out my mistakes and what needs changing. Your review will be a huge help, thank you.




I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie