z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

When I Cry, Chpt. 3

by dragonfphoenix


Chapter 3: Sandbox City.

Tessa felt the tension winding inside her as the doors opened, then warmth flooded over the tension as Kass fully opened the bond. His presence felt like a warm fluid coursing from the base of her neck, spreading throughout her head and all her limbs, until it reached her fingertips and toes, tingling all over. The sensation was akin to having a bucket of water dumped on her, and then another and another as his enthusiasm spilled into her, tinting her view of the world to how Kass saw it. Instead of the nervousness, waiting for yet another run-in with the Council, she saw the doors in bright, vivid colors. And through those doors, the sandy colored city of the Dragonmates, Othia, not as a place of pain and constant harassment, but home. A place for fun and games, but more important, of family. Kass was excited to see her, that was true, but he was just as excited to get back to his sister, Mercedes. And he couldn’t see the world as anything but a playground. His energy brought a smile to her lips, and then Tessa felt the surge of adrenaline from reestablishing the bond recede. It wasn’t gone. No, she still felt Kass’ presence coursing through her, but neither was he dumping his exuberance all over her in bucket loads. Now she was just drenched to the bone, dripping wet with his energy. For a moment she was just floating, no worries or concerns, and then Max gently touched her shoulder, snapping her back into the here and now. Oh, what a pleasant wake-up call that was. Catching herself just before her reflexes had her jabbing at Max, she straightened and looked back at Othia, sitting just through the doorway.

“Shall we go?” Max asked, sweeping one hand out in front of her towards the waiting city. Tessa eyed him warily and stepped past him into the sandy colored city. That one deserved watching, even if he had her back most of the time. She stood just beyond the doorway, staring out at the city. It looked like a giant sandbox. The doorway opened up into the middle of the plaza, which was paved smooth with sandstone rock that was granulated (and no fun for tender feet) and as hard as concrete. Directly in front of her rose the giant warehouse that served as the training grounds, the walls rising over five stories into the air with the top two composed of multi-paned windows. The metal roof was a coppery brown-orange, and the four spires on the building’s corners made it look like an over-sized sandcastle. That building was huge. Inside it housed a sandy field 500 yards wide and 1,000 yards long, with protective nets around the perimeter to keep the dragons from crashing into bystanders while practice was in session. To the left sat the stately University Hall, thick columns supporting the stone awning that covered the porch at the top of the 25-step flight of stairs that fronted the Hall. The face of the building was square, but beyond that was a single wall that curved from one side to the other, friezes of Dragonmate history carved into the stone. This wall was wide enough to house the 250 odd schoolrooms in the Hall’s outer ring, the rooms flush with the outer wall or the supporting wall of the Inner Sanctuary. A smooth dome had been built atop the three story tall walls of the Hall, rising another story and a half into the sky. Although not visible from the outside, the Hall’s dome held an oculus to rival that of the ancient Pantheon that the Hall’s exterior had been modeled after. To Tessa’s right sat the boxy Dragonmate barracks, fronted by identical windows placed at uniform intervals for the two stories of the building. Its front door was a pair of thick, wooden gates held together by metal crossbars that might have been cast iron from their looks. Tessa shook her head in disgust. That one building could wind her tighter than a week’s worth of rush at work. No, a month’s worth of overtime and no vacation days. If there was one place she was never going, it was that building. Sensing her frustration, Kass crooned softly and nudged her ankle, begging to be let through the doorway. Oh, right, they were still behind her. She took a quick step forward, and Kass followed her out into the sun, his scales an array of deep blues, sapphires and cerulean that glittered as he waddled across the ground. Tessa stepped to the side as Max walked through the door, and took a moment to admire her dragon. His thin frill, a black sapphire color, ran down his spine, the feathery tendrils flopping to one side as he turned his head. The frill was longest at the base of his neck, perhaps two inches long in that patch, tapering off to mere stubs along his serpentine tail. The spiderlike fingers in his wings were a blue that matched the majority of his blue scales, and the thin, leathery membrane that stretched between each finger was a light, pale blue. He sat on his haunches and reached up to scratch behind his floppy, leathery ears with his hind leg like a dog, and Tessa couldn’t help thinking of him as a living gem. And he was, in more ways than one. The color variance in his scales made him look like a multi-faceted sapphire, but as a friend Tessa

hadn’t had anyone closer. Kass quickly spread out his wings to catch his balance, flaring them to their full, four-foot wide length, rocking on his rear and slapping his hind legs out onto the pavement as he folded his wings against his body. Tessa smiled at her bond, and let her pleasure at his antics seep across the bond. Kass tilted his head to one side, looking at her with his black eyes in that adorable way he’d perfected. Then his ears perked up as he looked behind her. Before Tessa could turn around, she heard a familiar voice say, “Late again, Tessa?”

Oh, that was like a cup of ice water down her back. Tessa turned to face the short, black haired woman standing behind her, keeping a forced smile on her face as she met the authoritative green eyes of Mama Rae. That woman was terrifying. She only stood up to the middle of Tessa’s chest, but she had more attitude than an entire football team, and she could hold her own like nobody’s business. Mama Rae stood with her arms folded casually, one eyebrow arched in an unspoken question at Tessa.

“Hi Mama Rae,” Tessa said, her smile stretching thin beneath Mama Rae’s stare. “Sorry I’m late. The taxi didn’t come pick me up, and I…”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Mama Rae said, holding up a hand. “You choose to live outside Othia, you take responsibility for the consequences.”

“Mama Rae,” Max said placatingly, brushing loose strands of scraggly tan hair out of his face as he came around Tessa with a boyish grin, standing between them and to Tessa’s right. Oh, she’d almost forgotten about him. Why hadn’t he gone ahead to the Council building…oh, right. The Council, or what Tessa was going to see of it right now, was already here, waiting for her. Mama Rae shot him a withering glare, but his smile just broadened.

“Don’t even think about it, charmer,” Mama Rae snapped. “You know very good and well that doesn’t work on me.”

“But Mama Rae, it really wasn’t Tessa’s fault,” Max began, but Mama Rae interrupted him.

“No. I told her, as I’ve told you, that if she chooses to live outside the training grounds, she’s going to have to make sure she’s here on time. This is the last time. One more offence, and she’s moving in here, whether she likes it or not.” Kass bounded between Tessa’s legs at Mama Rae’s ultimatum, purring happily and almost knocking Tessa over in the process. Max caught her elbow and kept her from falling, and she mumbled a quick thanks as she righted herself.

“And don’t think a cute face is going to get you anywhere either, you little troublemaker,” Mama Rae said with a half-sincere scold as Kass rubbed himself against her legs, brushing the white skirt of her dress up and down against her shins. “Now go on. Go back by your bond.” Mama Rae shooed him off, straightening her dress and pulling on the short sleeves before turning her

attention back to Tessa. “Now, have I made myself clear, young lady?”

“Yes, Mama Rae,” Tessa said, fighting off the spike of panic driving itself deep into her chest. Only one more offence? She’d been late twice this week alone, and with the way her ride situation was…Kass’ warm purr broke through her icy thoughts, shattering their hold on her as he reasserted his presence into her mind. She hugged herself under the warm water of Kass’ emotional presence, then focused her eyes back to the real world.

“Good. I don’t want to have to follow through on that threat,” Mama Rae said, her eyes a little softer than before. “And Max,” she added as he started to turn away.

“Yes, Mama Rae" Max said, grinning sheepishly. His bicolored eyes, the left blue and the right brown, twinkled mischievously, though Tessa thought he was shooting for innocent little angel with the way he was wearing that silly, lopsided grin.

“You are not going anywhere,” Mama Rae said sternly, hands on her hips as she scolded Max.

“But Mama Rae, Tessa needs to make up for missing practice and…”

“Max,” Mama Rae said flatly, and his protest died on his lips, along with his grin. “Go to the Council room and wait for me. I’ll be there after I’m finished with Tessa.”

“Yes Mama Rae,” Max said sullenly, hanging his head as he walked past them to the High Sanctum, the building that the Council officiated all their business in. The building, which was on the opposite end of the plaza as the Training Grounds complex and on the same side as the University Hall, looked like a giant child had filled a bucket with sand, and then upturned it where the High Sanctum now sat. Even the doorway, which was inset in the round wall, looked like some giant finger had carved it out. Tessa smiled. Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best analogy. But the city still looked like it had been built in an oversized sandbox, and all the stone was simply hardened sand. Kass curled up on Tessa’s feet while Mama Rae stood with her back to them, watching Max walk to the High Sanctum. Mama Rae waited until Max had completely disappeared through the doorway before facing Tessa again. And, here comes another lecture and round of stiff consequences for her delinquencies.

Instead of giving the expected remonstrance, Mama Rae sighed and said, “Walk with me, Tessa.” The woman smiled and looked down at Kass when he immediately snapped his head up off the ground. “Yes, you too, you ornery little beast. This is mostly your fault, you know,” Mama Rae chided as Kass jumped up, staring up at her with big, pleading eyes. He turned his head to one side, the higher ear flopping across his face as he did so, and the women laughed at the blue dragon. “Come along, little one,” Mama Rae said, stooping to brush his ear back into place, then standing up and walking ahead of them. Tessa let Mama Rae get several steps ahead before following. No telling what Mama Rae had up her sleeve. Mama Rae walked deliberately towards the Dragonmates’ barracks, and Tessa stifled a chill that threatened to snake down her back as they approached the building. Kass bounced happily along beside her, only dimly aware of her distaste for the building. Tessa glanced down at her dragon, and smiled briefly at his carefree attitude. To be that young again, without all the pain and suffering she’d gone through. Tessa quashed that train of thought before it worked up steam. At home, she might let it run its course and have a good cry, then not have to deal with that quagmire of muck that threatened to suck her under its dark goo and drown her whenever she got too close to the edge. No, crying belonged at home, where she could hide it and be safe from prying eyes and unnecessary, though well-intentioned, attempts to help. She could handle herself. Alone. Distracted by wrangling her emotions into check, Tessa almost ran into Mama Rae, pulling up right before contact from the premonition she picked up from Kass’ side of the bond. Praise that mischief-making scaled head Kass had been paying attention. Tessa backed off, glancing down at Kass appreciatively as Mama Rae examined the front of the barracks, then with a satisfied grunt turned around to face Tessa and Kass.


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896 Reviews


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:22 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey there!

No doubt you will be utterly, completely over my existence by the time you hit this last review! I promised my last review it would be my last, but apparently not! Instead I will write to you! I haven't read your other chapters, so please forgive me if I make no sense at all!

Your paragraphs are all over the place, they're mostly way too long and occasionally have the weirdest breaks. Try to make a new line for every new piece of dialogue always, otherwise the speech gets lost in the midst of all the description.

It is super great to see that you have stacks and stacks of description in this story! Way more than your others, and it runs through the whole chapter so I want to assume that it also runs through the whole story so far. Nice work! I like seeing some good description. I think this also suggests that you're constantly improving, which is so excellent to see that I don't have proper words for it.

I think that we don't get a strong feeling for the character of Tessa here. There's a lot of good description and we're inside her head a bit but I'm still not feeling it? Perhaps because I really want some more tactile and olfactory imagery in there? I want to feel her react rather than read it. I'm not sure if this is just a personal preference getting in the way of serviceable writing. Right now Mama Rae has the strongest personality. I can feel her as a character, with her sighs and her strong words.

As I said, I haven't read the other chapters but I think you're running in a really good direction with this. Try to keep your characters strong with a good sense of voice and difference. It's easy to lose Tessa in this because the other characters are stronger, she is less interesting.

Thanks for posting!
- Penguin.




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Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:58 am
Liaya wrote a review...



Haha, well, your writing is intriguing and I really like it but your paragraphs happen at random moments! I'd suggest going back and trying to edit the format so that runs smoothly. Once you do that, it'll be a lot easier to read this and a lot more enjoyable, too. Your words flow well and I like the ideas presented; I'd say the format is your biggest problem. Anyway, good writing!






D'Arvit! I thought I fixed that...*sigh* I copy pasted from my Word doc, and had to go back through and press 'delete' to fix the paragraphs, so I thought the issue was fixed. Thanks for pointing that out.





I hope that fixed the issue; I don't know why it does that. It's really annoying. [Especially since I thought I had the issue fixed]



Liaya says...


I'm sorry, that is really frustrating! Grr...messy formatting is really a problem sometimes, isn't it?





All right, I believe I've gotten everything. I went back and fixed Chpt. 2 as well.



Liaya says...


Much better :)


Random avatar
kayfortnight says...


D'Arvit!

You read Artemis Fowl, don't you:)



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663 Reviews


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Tue Sep 03, 2013 1:20 am
Messenger says...



you realize you are getting in the featured column because you have the most likes, because you are liking your own chapters?






no, I didn't realize that. However, I don't think that's a bad thing, do you?



Malachi says...


Nah, just kind of cheap.





Then like your own stuff, silly! I'm not the one who wrote the code, nor am I trying to 'milk the system'. Just roll with the flow, you know? Haha, jk. About being a lemming, not about like your own stuff.




People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love