Young Writers Society

Hi! I'm Change how are you?
I hope you like my review!

But that isn't right because I know I was supposed to be with someone so where'd he go?

You already said she was alone so I think you can just take this out. It feels like you really want me to know someone used to be there really bad. But it can be more subtle and the readers will still get it.

and realize I'm calming down.

I'b be less awkward sounding to just say "calmed down."

I opened my...
found myself...
.
find myself...
blows my

The first two lines here are in past tense and the second two are in present tense. The story jumps around a little bit, so just make sure to stick to one tense. Sometimes it's hard to notice when writing, but it's an easy fix when editing.

We were going somewhere; I don't remember where

Punctuation. That might just be a comma, I'm not sure, but either way it needs something there.

I push myself up, trying to stand, but my legs won't move.

More punctuation.

Then right before me the flowers wilt, then fall and turn to ash. I stare at it them, horrified, but cannot bring myself to cry or even scream. and then In a moment the world turns dark.

Okay, sorry, I have a lot to say about this sentence. There is a lot of needed punctuation and it sounds like everything is being rushed. Slow down a little bit and try to punctuate the way you would read it if you were saying it aloud. I always put commas after clauses or when, if I'm speaking it, find myself naturally pausing. Semicolon's can be hard, but mostly just remember it's okay to break up sentences as well. For changing the "it" to "them": the story previously refers to multiple flowers so it's just proper to have "them" instead of "it," which is singular. Lastly, I have no clue why she faints or passes out, or whatever she's doing here. I do understand that would be a weird thing to witness, but the reason for her reaction could be clarified more.

Darkness is the last thing I see as I am enveloped, my eyes close shut.

This sentence is a little redundant because the paragraph already mentions she went dark, which also implies her eyes are closed. I would advice scrapping it altogether and ending the section on the sentence before this. The other sentence is much stronger.

When I wake up again, I'm in another field of flowers but the flowers seem taller; they loom above me like giants. and I realize that I'm still lying downMy ear skims a stem as I try to sit upfrom my horizontal position.

Again, this sentence is unnecessarily long. If I were reading it aloud, I'd have to say it all in one breath...which makes it lose some of it's emotional affect. It's okay to let the writing breathe too. Plus this sentence change is just a suggestion. You're giving me all the narrator's thoughts but one of the principles of writing is "show me, don't tell me" which means give the readers a visual. There's not a lot of description for me to go on here, so it's hard to play the scene in my head from lack of imagery.

no that’s not right either, my whole body is bound, wrapped in a white cloth.

I try and wriggle free and realize I’m smaller than I used to be.

Smaller like she lost weight? Because I don't think people can actually get that much smaller. But my confusion here is why that part is relevant because it doesn't mention is she gets out or not.

Blinking I look up and see whirls of smoke and a fire flickering, but aren't I in a garden?

So this should be a question mark and at first I was like, "Isn't she sitting up?" But I went back and read it again, realizing she couldn't sit up because she was bound, yet for some reason that wasn't clear when I read it the first time. I think there's a sort of disconnect between your sentences, like I can't tell why this one is related to the one before it; it takes a while. Does that make sense? So maybe just clarify everything a little more so it all seems connected. That doesn't necessarily mean adding more detail or over explaining, sometimes that just means rewording.
Plus a side note, just because there are flowers doesn't mean a garden. I would have assumed a meadow or field or just somewhere in the country side.

I look farther

Look farther where? Farther up in which case the woman would be standing over her, casting a shadow? Or is she now looking sideways and the woman stands in the distance? The rest of the sentence after this is written well though.

“Why are you crying?” I want to ask

The comma should go in the quotes for future reference, but this time it should be a question mark. My big thing here is: why is this her first question? She is bound and alone without her friend in a place she doesn't know with some strange woman. She is way too calm, she should be asking "Who are you?!" or "Where am I?" This situation warrants both of these questions.

but she never turns aroundto look at me.

If she can see the woman's face to notice the tears then she'd already be at least partially facing her so this little modification would make more sense.

In a last attempt to move, I start to wriggle again, hoping to undo the cloth. andIt is right then that the woman turns to me, her eyes red, and her cheeks puffy. I can see she is sad, and despite my struggle and earlier failure, I try to speak to her again.

This sentence is way too long to have no punctuation. I definitely get better imagery toward the end, but the sentences need to be broken up more for a more natural and relaxed flow for readers.

In the next few sentences it mentions that she can't undo some sin and I really like that. It is an intriguing twist for the story but, again, there's a lack of punctuation and I think that takes away from the drama it deserves. I think her starting to cry should be more dramatic and again I'm confused at why she blacks out because there is no reason given.

I call outbut know, knowing I won’t be answered. then I try andthink to call his name but eitherfind I don’t know it or I don’t remember it.

She already said she blacked out so how is she speaking? Which also makes the last line confusing, because someone can't blackout on a blackout right? Those strikethoughs are, of course, just suggestions. The part about the name when she says she doesn't know or remember is a little redundant because they basically mean the same thing so I think having both is unnecessary. I'm intrigued that she doesn't know his name, there's a good sense of mystery there.

OKAY! Sorry, sorry, sorry about the long review! I know, I just thought all of it should be said, and most of it is grammar so that's good because you actually have good ideas and I'm interested in where it's going. There could be some more emotion, because it felt sort of monotone until the last few sentences. Up until then though, I felt as if the narrator didn't even car what was happening to her. Maybe the last paragraph could be split into two, but in general it was a good section to pick for a prologue because it left me with questions which is good because you want people to read you book haha.
Well I hope you don't hate me for everything I said, you really are a good writer so I don't want you to give up. I'd be interested in the edited version of this and PM me if you have any questions, or if you want to yell at me and tell me how much you hate me

Hey Vivi!

Shady here with a review for you this fine afternoon! c:

But that isn’t right because I know I was supposed to be with someone so where’d he go? Looking around frantically I find myself in a field of flowers and realize I’m calming down.

~ Don't be vague. You can have fragmented thoughts of a MC, and be mysterious, without being vague. "I shouldn't be alone. He should be here with me. His strong arms should be wrapped around me; his soft breath should be tickling my neck. As I look around, I still don't see my boyfriend anywhere, but I do see that I'm lying in a field of flowers-- and I start to calm down." or something.

When I wake up again I’m in another field of flowers but the flowers seem taller and I realize that I’m still lying down and try to sit up.

~ Slow it down. Punctuate. "When I wake up again, I'm in another field of flowers. The flowers seem taller, and I realize that I'm still lying down. I try to sit up." I like long sentences. Don't get me wrong. I really do. They're the bomb-- but, for scenes where someone is panicked, short sentences are more powerful. They portray a sort of fragmented panic.

My hands and legs are bound, no that’s not right either my whole body is bound wrapped in a white cloth.

~ No. Don't give us information, only to be like "Sike. Nope. I lied." Try...

"I can't move my arms or legs, because they're tightly bound in a white cloth. Looking down at myself, I realize that my entire body is."

Blinking I look up and see whirls of smoke and a fire flickering, but aren’t and I realize that I'm not in a garden.

~

Okay! General thoughts~

1) I think that this piece would benefit if used more paragraphs. I knew that she's the only person talking, and that putting actions between lots of dialogue isn't, technically, grammatically incorrect-- but it's not pleasing to the eye. My rule of thumb is to only have two bits of dialogue in a paragraph, so mine tend to look like >> "Blah blah." *Action or thought* "Blah blah."<<

2) In America, the comma goes within the quotation marks. I learned, recently, that it's also proper to have a comma outside the quotation marks, so I won't complain about that (even though it displeases me)-- but, you still should put punctuation inside the quotation marks. Most of what your character says, if not all of it, are in the form of questions. "Where?" "Where are you?" "Why are you crying?" etc. In the case of a statement, both

"You're crying," she said.

and

"You're crying", she said.

Are correct. However.

"Why are you crying",

is not. It should be

"Why are you crying?"

~ Because it's a question, not a statement.

3) I think this could benefit from being a bit longer. Right now, I have no real knowledge of your characters; not do I have any real grasp on your world or storyline. I'm just pretty confused. If you made it longer, slowed it down a bit, and explained a bit more, I think it would make it more tantalizing.
~

Hope this helps! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM or wall me.

Keep writing!

~Shady