A Lord's Bane Chapter 2 Part 1

by megsug

Published August 24, 2013

12+ Language Violence

In A Lord's Bane

Kaynen woke with a cry that was quickly muffled by a rough hand as Eira dragged him into one of the copses of trees scattered along the foothills. He stopped squirming when her staff fell hard against his leg. Eira breathing hard into his ear as she held him against her torso, he listened to the throbbing silence in the still trees. There was no wind, and no birds, but the sweltering heat of late summer had already descended. Eira's skin was slick with sweat where it touched his bare forearm, and he could feel her chest rising and falling rapidly against his back. He listened closer.

A faint 'Halloo' could be heard in the distance, and a few minutes later the steady thrum of galloping horses.

Kaynen bucked against her, recognizing this as his chance to be free of Eira. He threw his head back, trying to catch her chin, and flailed his legs wildly as the horses drew closer. Her hand tightened around his mouth as her arm squeezed his middle with suffocating force. He relished in the thrill when he felt an impact go up his leg and heard the soft yelp before she could cut it off. He shook his head side to side, almost breaking loose. He could already hear the cry leaving his throat, leading the horsemen to them.

She jerked him to the side, ramming his head into a tree.

He blinked, dazed, and realized as Eira leaned against a tree behind them that he was listening to fading hoof beats. He redoubled his efforts, but she held him tight, until nothing could be heard at all. He surrendered, tears pricking at his eyes. He stumbled and fell when she dropped him.

"You idiot!" She slapped him as he looked up in bewilderment. "Do you have a death wish?" She kicked him as he tried to scramble away. The cloth kept him from getting too far. She kicked him again as he bent over gasping. She grabbed him by the collar and jerked him to her, bending so she loomed over him. "I should kill you. I won't because they would find your body here." She slammed him against a tree and began to walk.

He sat dazedly, crying, unable to respond to the tug on the cloth until she came back to yank him to his feet.

"We don't have all day, and I'm obviously going to have to get you as far away from people as I can." She started off at a fast walk, muttering to herself, and dragged Kaynen behind her until he was trotting beside her.

...

She didn’t know where she was going. She didn’t know he knew that, nor did he think she would care much if he made it known. If anything, it would earn him another beating. He wasn’t stupid though. He had never thought he was stupid even when he had been told so every day, and he wasn’t blind.

She was nervous, almost dangerously so, and she would randomly change directions. Seeming to have only to markers, where they were coming from, and the white swath that cut through the hills, the road. She would head towards the sun as it rose and then away from it as it set, getting farther away from the road, and after a few minutes, she would turn so they were running toward the dark shadow on the horizon that was the forest that marked the end of Eishceal land. She would glance back every now and then, shaking her head as she muttered to herself.

Kaynen wondered if she was afraid of the horsemen.

As the sun climbed, so did the temperature, and the harder it was for Kaynen to keep up. The later it got, the more desperate Eira seemed to get as well. She jerked hard on the strip of cloth connecting them when he stumbled or fell, yanking him forward so it was hard for him to regain his feet. Soon, his hands were scraped and the knees of his trousers were holes.

He tripped over a stone, stumbling, and just before he regained his balance, she pulled at him. He tumbled to the ground and tried to ignore the sting of tears against his lids. He didn’t want to cry in front of her anymore. He clambered to his feet, a sob clogging his throat when he saw an ugly gash across one of his knees. It stung angrily, and blood oozed from it. He continued to walk at the rough tug of the strip, scrubbing his cheek with his left hand in frustration as a tear fell. “I-i-I’m thirsty.”

She glared back at him, and he was struck with how bad she looked. Her face was red, and sweat dripped from her black hair onto her tunic which was already dark with damp. Her eyes flicked around his face in what could have been nervous if there hadn’t been such fire behind them.

He flinched away from the wild gaze.

“Do I look like I have a fountain in my pocket, huh?” She turned her trouser pockets inside out. “Want me to give you my piss? I can do that for you.”

He staggered away as she took a threatening step towards him. “I-i-i’m s-s-sorry.” Another burning tear fell. He started to wail as she came forward another step. “P-p-p-p-please d-don’t.”

They both froze, her hand closing around the collar of his shirt, at a familiar sound.

Kanyen wasted no time, he jerked away and screamed as loud as he could. “Help!”

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
LoveIsInTheAir
Comment
LoveIsInTheAir commented Comment · Aug 27, 2013

I love all the detail! The story flows great. It is very intriguing. I want to read more! I love that the amount of detail you used affected my view of the story! I feel like I could see everything that was being read. Really nice job with word choice! Action was nice too! Keep it up. The only problem i had was, I didn't feel like I knew the character. I felt like someone was reading a random page out of a book. I want to know from the beginning. I want to know every character like they were my best friend!

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Aug 25, 2013

Yo, Egs!

Shady here with a review, as promised. c:

I'm going to try not to repeat anything said in the other two reviews, but do forgive me if I do mention the same thing as they did...

He relished in the thrill when he felt an impact go up his leg and heard the soft yelp before she could cut it off.
~ This seems a bit out of character for Kaynen. Before, he was a sniveling little whelp, and now he relished the thrill of fighting a woman he's terrified of?

Also, it's a bit strange that he 'heard the soft yelp before she could cut it off'. Isn't he the one yelping? It's phrased a bit strangely, is what I'm trying to say. Maybe...

"He was relishing the thrill, when he felt a sharp blow to his leg, and yelped before she could stop him." Or... "He relished the thrill of managing to yelp at a blow to his leg, before she could stop him."

I'm struggling with that too. xP

Want an anal nitpick that should get me beaten?
She was nervous, almost dangerously so, and she would randomly change directions.
I don't like 'randomly' here. Maybe 'suddenly' or something. :P

Seeming to have only two markers-- where they were coming from, and the white swath that cut through the hills, the road.

~

8D I like it. Suspense. The ending is a *tad* too quick, but not nearly as sudden as you made it out to be as we were chatting last night. It's good. Makes me want to see the next chapter. I already know a bit about your storyline, yet it's difficult to predict exactly who that 'familiar sound' is-- and how all that will play out. So, that's good.

I also like how this was told from more Kaynen's perspective. I mean, it's 3rd person, I know-- but this one focused more on Kaynen than your previous chapters. Are you going to alternate your focus between Kaynen and Eira, or is that just the way this chapter played out?

Anyway~

I don't have anything else useful to say, so I'll end the review.

~Shady 8)

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Aug 25, 2013

Back again, because YOLO.

Eira breathing hard into his ear as she held him against her torso, he listened to the throbbing silence in the still trees.


Definite typo. Try "Eira was breathing hard"

Also, consider a semi colon after "torso"

Eira's skin was slick with sweat from where it touched his bare forearm,


Add in the bolded word.

She didn’t know he knew that, nor did he think she would care much if he made it known.


Consider a revise -- "She didn't know he knew that, not did she care."


Okay, so methinks that ending came a bit too fast. I mean, I like how they are too involved into an argument to notice whatever it is that's approaching, but.. How do they not notice? It's gotta be pretty loud, if it's a major threat and it's approaching.

Right, so you didn't disappoint; you thankfully didn't jump into space and set this story a few years ahead, and then recap the drama. Not cool! I wanna see what happens, so don't do that. Let the story play out :P

I'm not sure what to think of Eira. She was so full of determination in the beginning as now she's just gone loco. Why? Is she nuts? Is she deflated of energy and motivation? Or is she jut loco? I wanna know!

Be sure to link me when chapter two part two is out! Keep on writing and BLACK PLAGUE FOREVER!

~Iggy

EloquentDragon wrote a review Review · Aug 25, 2013

ED here to review, I’m going to jump right in.

This has some nice tension here. The action moves swiftly, and for the most part we know exactly what’s happening.

But sometimes it moves a little too swiftly.

They’re hiking around for a day, shouldn’t there be a bit more going on? You made a good effort here, just try and pace things a bit more. Slow down, there’s no rush. (Not while they’re hiking, anyways.)

Characterization wise, Kaynen could do with a bit more expression. You’re mainly just describing how he reacts to Eira and her antics, but we see very little of what his actions are or his emotions. Try to round him out. Get inside his head. Show us how he experiences it all.

And speaking of which, this could use a lot more description. Besides the part where she pushes him into the tree and the part where you describe the road, there is very little description in the way of place or character action. It doesn’t have to be insanely detailed, but be specific. What is the weather like? What do the trees look like? How does the season affect it all? What does the bark feel like, smell like?

I realize that you may have already given a lot of this information in the previous chapter, but it doesn’t hurt to bring up new things. We live in the age of movies, after all. Visualize, visualize, visualize.

Besides that, it’s probably just fine if you posted the second half of this chapter with it, together as one. I’ve read a lot longer stuff on here, trust me. And it ends in a rather… inconvenient place.

Hopes that helps, as brief as it is.
~ED



You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders