His heart has been ripped out of his chest
Alone he sits, clinging to what belonged to his child
The sorrow he feels cannot be expressed.
His child is guilty of the crime of innocence
In the face of war, he laid down his life
Yet the guilt he feels is infinite.
His emotions overtake him like a flood
His eyes fill up with tears; his body is numb
He has lost his life, his own flesh and blood.
Bravo! Great! This piece is very original! It has lots of emotions! I have to applaud you for that! Great job! Your a great poet! I love your poetry its so subtle. I can barely put how great your poetry is into words. I can't wait to read more of your writing! Your an awesome poet! Hope to hear more of you! Keep writing!
From,
Buddy886551
Heyo!
This is fantastic! Very emotional.
His child is guilty of the crime of innocence
Yet the guilt he feels is infinite.
Hello, Ariana! Nice poem, but it needs some work. I feel like in lines 1 and four, you started a thought that I assumed you would continue on in the next line, but you didn't. I think the poem would flow better if you did do that. I also feel like the poem itself is a little too short. It doesn't explain the guilt in being innocent. Even if the poem is vague, I think it should probably give at least some explanation of that. However, this isn't at all saying that I didn't like the poem. I think it is really good and your ideas for it are very interesting, it just hasn't reached its full potential. I hope this helps!
Hey there, Ariana.
Alright, so first off, I notice the format is off. Either that or you didn't place these into stanzas. In that case, do so ASAP. It makes the poem so much easier to read when it's broken up, so you don't stress yourself out by taking a mere glance at the blog of writing. Places to break it up are after the punctuation dots.
Speaking of the punctuation dots, I hate those. I feel like you should omit those, since the rest of the poem seems free formed. If you wanted to unclude punctuation, you'd need commas and such as well to make if flow better and to also keep a consistancy.
Another thing noticed was the rhyme scheme. It's a bit all over the place. If you keep the text as it is (all clumped together), it's ABACDEDFD. Weird, right? To me, it is. In fact, even if it was in stanzas, it would still look funky. No worries, just consider spending more time on the rhymes next time, if you want your scheme to look elegant and formatted.
I did like the poem. It was short, but it was detailed and it was deep. I felt the emotion, the sadness and guilt of the father who lost his son in the war. You brought forth that pain perfectly, so I applaud you on that. It was written very beautifully!
Keep on writing.
~ Iggy.
Have got nothing to say...(not because i didn't understand anything) but because your poem speaks more than these mere words and is quite touching...I like the title of your poem...The portrayal of the lonely father sitting with a reminiscent of his son (this imagery is very saddening to the eyes)...the word clinging is a stroke in this line..it elevates the intensity of the line...good work!!!
The ending is very good as well...The father is also dead with the death of his son..Although not externally, but internally...His "life" is gone...Nice thought
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