Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Author's note: Yes, I know this has been changed. I've been going through a lot of editing, including some structure changes. Bear with me.
Chapter Three
Dylan and I had two main ways of traveling long distances; when we needed to get away from a place quickly, we used magic. When we wanted to travel leisurely, at our own pace, we stole a car from somebody and sped off into the sunset.
A sinking feeling filled my stomach as I realized that today, we were traveling by magic. The cop scare must’ve freaked Dylan out.
I gathered up our luggage and put it all in a pile, waiting for more of Dylan’s orders. He didn’t say a word as he opened up his spellbook and muttered a few words under his breath. It hit me immediately that it was time to go. A glint of light appeared in the middle of the page, pulsing as it grew larger and larger. The miniature sun glowed bright as Dylan muttered the spell. Scout yipped at the ball as he watched it grow. I held him so he wouldn’t escape. I tried to listen as he spoke, but his words were too quiet for me to hear. The only way I could tell he was speaking was because of the distinct movement of his mouth and the way his brow was set in concentration. The little ball was captivating; like a magnet it was pulling me in, drawing me to it. It rose into the air about a foot above the book. Still muttering, Dylan closed his magic book and held it to his chest. He glanced and me and gestured to our luggage. I held onto Scout and our few belongings tightly and nodded to Dylan. As the words of the spell spilled from his mouth he stretched a long finger towards the golden light. I did the same, feeling the warmth wash over me.
All at once, everything and nothing existed. Through the power of magic, we were travelling, lifted into the air, twisting and spinning. Swirling colors flashed around us, like a tornado of light. My body was no longer solid; it was just another color, dancing among the other swirls in the blizzard of magic. It was an extraordinary feeling, travelling by magic. My body felt like it was filled with champagne bubbles, light and airy, as if I was absolutely weightless.
And then, it all stopped. Although it was only a few seconds, the jolt and slam of my molecules reattaching themselves together made me gasp. Scout had left my arms, but I knew he had survived the trip. He always did. The impact of landing surprised me so much I nearly collapsed onto the ground, hands automatically scrambling to grab onto something as I fell and finding something smooth and porcelain.
As my vision adjusted, I looked around. Smooth granite tile covered the floor and mirrors covered the walls. I realized that I was holding onto a sink in a fancy looking bathroom and immediately pulled myself up. One look in the mirror told me my hair was a horrid mess.
“Where are we?” I asked Dylan, who looked like he had just gotten back from the spa. Not a single hair was askew.
“California.” He said as I tried to make my hair look at least somewhat presentable. That seemed to be the only answer I would get from him, so I let it go. Scout pawed at my leg, as if to ask me to pick him up. He snuggled into my arm as I retrieved all of our luggage.
Nobody was around when Dylan and I exited the bathroom. I wasn’t too worried; if someone saw us leave, they’d probably guess that we had a little fun in one of the stalls and just shrug it off.
I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe a cabin, a flat or a house. But the sight in front of me was dazzling. As we walked through the lobby, I took in the sights around me. Beautiful marble tiles practically glistened as we made our way towards the elevators. Furniture with plush cushions and fat silk pillows were scattered around a fireplace. Lovely paintings lined the walls and the ceilings were high. Sparkling chandeliers hung from the ceiling. I marveled at them. Streamers of crystal and light danced from the beautiful fixture. I was briefly transfixed. Marble statues of dolphins greeted us, as well as some statues of half-naked people entwined around each other. I wanted to ask Dylan who they were but didn’t speak. A shiny black grand piano sat in the corner and a chubby old man with kind eyes played a song I didn’t know. He winked at me as we passed and I smiled.
“I’m here to check in, please.” Dylan told the lady at the counter. She wore a dark blue blazer and her chestnut hair was deeply parted down the side. Her badge said “Kate”. She was pretty. My lips pursed as I stayed silent. The lady looked like she was about to start hyperventilating when her eyes fell onto Dylan.
“W-What’s the name?” She stuttered, flushing bright red. It took all of my strength not to roll my eyes into the back of my head. Dylan was too charming sometimes. He had barely said two words to the woman and she was already melting into a puddle. Scout wagged his tail.
“Hampshire.” Geez. The woman even swooned when he said his last name.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Hampshire. It doesn’t look like you have a reservation here. I don’t see it in the computer.”
“Would you mind looking again?” Dylan’s voice was a warm blanket made of velvet.
If there had been anybody else standing next to Dylan, they wouldn’t have noticed the discreet way he rubbed his fingers slowly across the ruby stone of his ring. But since I knew him so well, I knew exactly what he was doing. Kate’s eyes glazed over for barely half a second before she looked at the screen again.
“Ah, yes. Mr. Hampshire. You’ll be staying in room 824.” She took the folded stack of cash that Dylan handed her, giving him back a surprised expression.
“Is there a problem?” He asked politely.
“No, not at all, sir. I’m just a little surprised. Most people prefer to use a card.”
“Well, you see, I lost my card a while ago. So cash is all I have. I hope it’s not too inconvenient for you.” Dylan lied smoothly. I knew the real reason behind using cash; if he used a card, he would be way too easy to track. That could potentially be dangerous. Since we traveled around so much, cash was our best option.
“Oh. Um, not at all,” she blushed, practically melting from his charm.
“Excellent. And here’s a tip for your hospitality.” He slid her a twenty dollar bill.
“Wow, thank you!” She smiled brightly, handing him the card key to the room. “If there’s anything you need at all, don’t hesitate to call down to the lobby and ask.” I sensed the double meaning in her words and I knew Dylan did too.
“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”
“No problem, sir. And welcome to the Valmont Hotel. I hope you enjoy your stay.”
Scout gave a soft bark and yawned widely as we walked away from the counter.
I was still marveling at how pretty the hotel lobby was. Everything felt so clean and luxurious; it was far different from any place I had ever been before.
“What is this?” I whispered to Dylan as we stopped in front of a set of smooth metal doors. Two buttons in the shape of arrows were on the panel next to it and Dylan pressed the arrow pointing upwards.
“It’s an elevator.”
“Oh.” I stared at it curiously, wondering where the doors led. The door made a pinging noise and I almost jumped. It slid open smoothly, revealing a tiny room. There was nothing in it, but a railing lined the entire thing. It was more of a box than a room. Dylan stepped into it and I followed. The doors shut and I immediately felt like the walls were going to close in on me. Dylan pressed a number on the panel and the room started moving. I gasped, hanging on to the handrail for dear life. Scout was uninterested and stared at me blankly. Dylan shot me an annoyed look. I bit my lip and tried to regain my composure. The room stopped moving and relief flooded me as I relaxed.
Our room was beautiful, but not quite as beautiful as the lobby. The whole place was open except for the bathroom, which had a separate door. The smell of the room itself was indescribable; like a mix of fresh laundry and some type of flower. I was used to houses and apartments that smelled like old Chinese food and cat litter. After setting Dylan’s bags down, I crossed the room to the window. The view was breathtaking; it felt like the whole wide world was right in front of me. A rush of dizziness filled my head. People were walking around on the streets below. They looked like ants. Cars looked like tiny toys, speeding along a plastic road. I almost reached out to grab one. Tiny blue silhouettes lined the distance, and I knew that they were mountains.
I flopped down onto the bed. The covers were silky and felt cool against my skin. It was then that I noticed that there were two beds instead of one. I grinned and Dylan rolled his eyes.
“You’re acting like a child.” He snorted.
“I’m sorry, sir,” I straightened up immediately, my grin falling from my face. “I’ve never been inside a hotel room before.”
“Just keep control of yourself, okay?”
“Yes. I will,” I was immediately ashamed of my childishness. “Master?”
He turned around, raising an eyebrow at me.
“There are two beds here.”
“Yeah. So?”
“So is one for me?”
Dylan sighed heavily, thinking about it.
“I suppose so,” He finally muttered. “But you’re forbidden to leave.”
“I would never leave,” I whispered. “I would have no place to go.” Scout curled up at the foot of the bed.
*******
Light poured in from the window next to me and I stared, transfixed, at the little floating specks dancing in the sunshine. The sheets around me smelled clean and I buried my face into them. I had never woken up in a bed before; it was so much nicer than my ratty mat. I felt very spoiled. Not wanting to wake Dylan, I stayed snuggled up under the blanket, closing my eyes. The gentle rhythm of his breathing relaxed me and I let my mind wander for the first time in a long time.
“Where am I?” I asked, sitting up. Wherever we were now was someplace dark and cold. I couldn’t see a thing. My hands felt around, trying to find something, anything to convince me I wasn’t just having a nightmare.
Dirt. There was dirt here. Rich and moist.
Shivering in the darkness, I realized I was still wearing the hospital gown. I desperately wished for some pants and maybe some shoes. The slight breeze raised goosebumps on my arms.
“Hello?”
“I’m here, Bella. It’s okay.” I relaxed a little at the sound of his voice.
“Doctor, I’m scared.”
“Shh,” He whispered. “You’ve got nothing to be scared about.”
“Where are we?”
Suddenly, a strange noise filled my ears. It sounded like humming.
“Doctor?”
“I’m right here, Bella.” The voice came from behind me now.
“What’s going on?”
“Shhh.” His voice hissed. I glanced around wildly, searching for his comforting face. Every cell in my body was telling me to run, but I didn’t know where to go.
“Where are you?” A shiver ran through me as I scrambled to my feet. I broke into a run, darting towards the darkness. Something hit me at once, throwing me back as if I had bounced off a sheet of rubber. I yelped, squinting into the blackness to see a pale white hand retreating into the shadows. “Who’s there?”
The doctor didn’t answer me; all I could hear was the strange humming. It was growing louder and louder, turning to words and phrases I didn’t understand. My head was throbbing. The whirlwind of noise didn’t stop; many voices were now speaking at once, chanting something.
“Doctor?” I asked. “Where are you?”
All at once, they came out of the darkness. They were all pale white, with hollow cheekbones and vacant eyes. Their thin lips moved in unison, speaking some language or tongue I couldn’t place. Panic raced through my body, chasing adrenaline as the strange people circled around me. Every cell in my body was telling me to run, telling me to get out of here. I tried again, sprinting towards the wall of people. The rubber-like barrier threw me back again. My body bounced back onto the hard dirt. The circle of people were closing in on me. I screamed as I backed away.
Suddenly, something strange happened. In perfect synchronization, the strange beings surrounding me raised opened their folded hands. Little balls of light danced in the air above their palm, hovering as they swirled in the darkness. In a split second, the light turned to flames. The group around me threw their flames into the middle of the circle, creating a huge floating orb that lit up their faces. Waves of heat flowed from the fire, warming me to my core.
“I’m saving you, Bella,” The doctor’s voice said. He was suddenly behind me, his hands on my shoulders. He turned me towards him, and quickly pulled out a small knife. I winced as he ran the blade across my finger. He calmed me as I cried out then silently did the same to his own finger. One of the men from the circle stepped forward, holding out a small bowl. The doctor filled it with a few drops of my blood and then added his own. He then tossed the whole cup into the fire. The chanting was deafening now, and I still couldn’t make out the words. “Trust me.”
The doctor took my bleeding finger, raising it towards the floating orb. My hand touched the warm surface, and the next thing I knew I was lifted off the ground.
Smoke burned my throat, filled my nose and consumed my body. The sound of crackling flames filled my ears. I wanted to scream for help, but I couldn’t make a sound. What was the doctor trying to do? The flames were burning me alive and there was nothing I could do. I scrambled around, trying to find my way out of the fire. I couldn’t tell if I was making any progress; the pain was excruciating. The chanting grew louder, more rhythmic. Then suddenly, it stopped.
And then everything went black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Driving with Dylan was interesting.
It could just be me but I do not see how driving with Dylan is interesting. He seems to talk only to give directions and that isn't much of a interesting conversation.
She doesn't know what an elevator is?
" I gasped, hanging on to the handrail for dear life."
"I crossed the room to the window. The view was breathtaking; I could see the whole world."
I am getting a better picture of Bella now. Excellent work in "show, not tell"!
If I had Dylan with me, I’d probably do okay.
Aw! She trusts the man so much who treats her like a slave! It shows how dependent she is on him!
"I was simply asking because I enjoy the rhythm a first name and last name create together. It fascinates me so"
I love this thought!
I liked the ending to this. Bella is exposed to nice people and you can feel her want to part of them. She obviously wishes for a life unlike the one she has. Eric seems like a interesting character. As everyone here, I too wish he stays around.
You give us nothing to critic about(which is a very good thing obviously!) This is going to make an absolutely amazing book! You are definitely a very talented writer!
Continue being awesome!
-manisha
Hi!

SlushySlapped here to review.
From the prologue to this chapter, so far I love it! It drew me right in. This is a really interesting story. I really love how Bella seems completely innocent, yet she is so very guilty. I mean, especially in the way she speaks. She's very naive.
And the first chapter, that little girl! I did NOT see that coming! I was thinking, "Aww, how sweet. She's going to help the little girl." Two seconds later. "BAM. DEAD." I'm sitting here, eyes wide, continuing to read, thinking, "What's gonna happen next?"
Then there's Dylan. Right now, I can't tell if I want to slap him so hard, he'll be dizzy for days, or what. All I know is I can't wait to see if/how his character changes throughout the story. I'm also wondering if we'll see more of this Eric guy... Hmm...
The flashbacks are another great part of this story. I'm really interested in finding out more about their abilities, too!
As for grammar, I agree with what AmethystNight about punctuation.
Anyway, this is amazing. I love it and I can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep writing!
I love how descriptive you are with some things, it gives me a sense of what everything looks like. I kind of imagine that I'm there, I'm Bella, so it makes it really interesting!
I really like the idea of Eric, I hope he stays in this a while, he seems like such an interesting character. There is something about the woman Sam, I don't know why but she just seems very out of place and like she dosen't belong in that group of people.
I really want to know more about that group too, they seem like such an odd group. The bald man seems to me as if he's too old to be hanging out with those people but still I love how the group is.
Anyway, I don't think I have any complaints, this was very well set out, keep it up!
-Charley. xx
This is fantastic, again. I am really loving this story. Bella is a great character and I am really glad that we got some back story one her and Dylan in this chapter. I really can't decide whether or not I like Dylan, though, which also shows how well written he is. The story is developing really well and you have some fantastic lines in this chapter.
The perfect ending, so sinister. It sent shivers down my spine.
My two bits of advice are purely grammatical.
1) When you have a bit of speech followed by a statement giving who said it, the speech should either end with a comma or the appropriate punctuation but not a full stop and the following statement should start with a lowercase unless it's a proper noun. This is because this is all one sentence and you can't have a full stop and a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.
2) You don't need a comma before an 'and'. You shouldn't put commas before conjunctions because their job is to combing two sentences without using a comma.
If you look at these two points this will be a practically flawless piece. Brilliant, as usual, and I look forward to reading the next instalment.
Hi there!
Great, great chapter you have here. I was tearing through it so fast, wanting to know what was going to happen next. You grabbed my attention and kept it all the way through. Nice job!
I think it's cool how Bella is branching out a bit here. It's like she knows what she's doing is wrong (sort of), but she's doing it anyway. That really shows her backbone. And I'm glad that she's finally met someone she's deciding to stick around with. All the other boys she had met up until this point, she's wanted to just suck the life out of them. But here with Eric, it's different. I'm really excited about these new characters. I can't wait to learn more about them.
Another thing I liked about this chapter was the background we got about how Bella came to be who she is. So she wasn't born this way, but was actually created to be this soul stealer. Very interesting.
I can't wait for the next chapter! Please let me know when you've posted it.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
*claps* very well done on this Rosie! Defiantly the best chapter yet!
Your descriptions were amazing, I could picture exactly what was going on. Everything was paced, I didn't feel like you were just bombarding information at me. Your writing was great.
The story, I think, is really developing. We're getting new character information, backstories, and yet the story is also moving forward.
This chapter astounded me! It read like it had been through editors and agents, it almost is like its an excerpt from a book. If this story was a book I could pick up today, I would!