z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

A Lord's Bane Chapter 1 Part 2

by megsug


She rolled onto her back, gasping for breath, and tried to ignore Kaynen’s pathetic gurgling. The stars above her seemed to dance and bend before her eyes. Her arm shot out and grabbed her captive’s heel . “Don’t think about it, kid.”

“B-b-but why d-do you-you-you-you want me-me?” he screamed, tired and terrified. “I-i-i - d-didn’t do-do anything.” He tried to crawl away again at her cold laughter but wound up beating his fists against the ground, her fingers digging painfully into his skin. Overwhelmed and too worked up to have any endurance of any kind, he soon gave his beating away to sobbing, and that soon wound down to desperate panting as tears continued down his blotchy face. "J-j-j-j-just let me-me-me g-go." He lifted himself up and twisted himself around to look down at her face. "I-i-I won't t-t-tell anyone." He wiped his snotty nose with his hand. "P-p-please Eira."

She studied him silently and let him go just as suddenly as she'd grabbed him. She took the edge of her tunic and began to rip it.

He sat up, his breathing returning to normal. His front was mud smeared, and his shoes were completely ruined. "Th-th-thank you-you." He didn't move as he stared at the unfamiliar landscape, hiccupping.

"Don't," she said shortly and pulled at the strip of cloth she now had, testing its strength. "You have two choices as I see it, Kaynen." She tied one end to her own wrist, knotting its expertly, and looked up at him, unable to keep a smirk away at his puzzled expression.

"Wha-what are you-you d-doing?"

"Preparing to give you your choices." She cleared her throat and said calmly, "Either you can run as fast as you can and I'll catch you and beat you up a little or you can cooperate with me." She met his wide eyed gaze with a still one of her own. "I'd suggest the second one."

"You-you're n-not l-l-letting me go?" He flinched when she laughed again.

"No. I'm not letting you run back to take Daddy's place in charge, to tell everyone exactly who killed him."

He stared at her, staggering to his feet. "You-you-you k-k-k--"

"Killed him," she finished for him, looking incredibly nonchalant about it. Groaning, she stood as well and watched him carefully. "I'll catch you if you try to run. Don't do it. Use your head, Kaynen." She glanced at the sky, as if asking for help, as his lips started to wobble again. "Don't start that again."

A tear slipped down his cheek, and he started backing away from her, shaking his head. "L-leave me al-al-alone! You-you-you're a-a-a-a murd-d-der…er." His face was scrunched up with the effort of speaking, and he was watching her with the flat, unseeing eyes of a trapped animal. The more agitated he got, the harder it was for him to spit the words he wanted out.

She prowled forward, her staff swinging easily against her leg, the strip of cloth wrapping around it, bright green against the worn grey wood. Now that he'd made his decision, she wanted him to run. Her legs shook, and her mind was fuzzy with exhaustion, but she was ready to teach the brat a lesson he wouldn't forget.

He squeezed his eyes shut, still shaking his head. "D-don't. D-don't. P-p-please d-don't." Tears ran down his face. His nose started to run.

Eira continued to approach, slowly measuring her steps, so she didn't reach him too soon. The fear was part of the lesson. It would never slip his mind to be afraid of her again, and since they were going to be spending a little time together, that was a lesson he was going to have to learn now.

When she was too close for Kaynen to think she was bluffing, he turned in an attempt to flee, but he never had a chance, not even if he had run from the beginning. His breath was coming in shallow, high pitched sobs as he felt her steps thundering behind his own. They were quicker and didn't pause when his stumbled, sprawling in the mud. He let out a shrill scream when she caught him, whirling him around, and threw him on his back. He wriggled underneath her when she straddled him, pushing her staff underneath his trembling chin, so he had to wheeze instead of gasp. He soon gave up though, going completely lax underneath her, refusing to meet her eyes. He stared sullenly at the hill he had just come down.

One hand still firmly holding the staff, she grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her. Leaning down, she hissed in his face, "You will never run again. You are mine to order around. You will do what I tell you to do. You will not argue. You will not cry. If you do, I will kill you." She leaned down on the staff, and he started struggling again in earnest as his air was completely cut off, kicking wildly. She got off of him, scoffing when he curled up in a tight ball. "Give me your arm."

He stuck it out, glaring at her with bloodshot eyes that were still watery. "I-i-I… hate… you." He seemed to focus on each word to make sure it sounded like he wanted it to.

She met his glare evenly. "That's okay, kid. Hate me." She tied the other end of the strip around his wrist deftly. "When we're too far away for you to be dumb enough to risk it, or when I decide to trust you, I'll cut the cloth, not before."

He stared at his chain darkly, pulling at it. Her knots weren't coming loose. He clenched his jaw, so it would stop trembling. "That-that-that's my-my g-good hand."

"Learn how to use your left." She laid down, her body and mind demanding sleep. She opened one eye when Kaynen crawled as far away as the cloth would allow, about three feet, and stretched his right arm out. She shook her head as he turned his back to her and brought her left and across her chest, jerking him closer to her. She closed her eyes for true sleep then.


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933 Reviews


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 5:19 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Back for more!

Okay, so it looks like Shady had taken care of the major nitpicks, so I'll just focus on my opinion of the story.

It's good! Really, it is so far. You straight up tell us that Eira is ruthless and willing to do whatever it takes to get what she wants. But what is it that she wants? From what I am tell, she wants the boy to take his father's throne. From there, she can use him as a puppet, ruling from whine the scenes - Game of Thrones, much?

I'm excited to see where we go from here! I do hope that it isn't a jump in time, because I want to see how the story progresses. Does he actually become.. Whatever it it his father was? And how does he and Eira deal with each other?

And when Eira said she wanted him to tell people who killed the lord, did she mean herself? I must know!

On to the next chapter!

~ Iggy




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 3:49 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Yo, Egs.

Shady here with a review for you this morning. Luckily for you, I did get (mostly) woke up before I began this meaning I totally fell back asleep on the couch. So, you probably won't be in a great need of translation later (yay!).

Her arm shot out and grabbed her captive’s heel .
~ You make no mention of him trying to get away, so it seems sort of strange her grabbing her and telling him not to think about it. Also, does she consider him a captive? Or just a pathetic boy? In my (albeit, if I'm truthful, slightly asleep) mind, there's a difference between just taking a boy because he can cause you trouble, and taking a captive. The second, obviously, being more sinister.

“B-b-but why d-do you-you-you-you want me-me?” he screamed, tired and terrified. “I-i-i - d-didn’t do-do anything.” He tried to crawl away again at her cold laughter but wound up beating his fists against the ground, her fingers digging painfully into his skin.
~ I'm afraid that my mind nitpicked this bit apart. It is my opinion that you should nix one of those 'you's, for the sake of flow. Also, that is a pet peeve of mine, but I don't like dialogue, then text, then dialogue, then text, in the same paragraph. It is grammatically correct, but I don't like it. xP

Therefore, I suggest an edit:
~
"B-b-but why d-do y-you-you want m-me?" He scrubbed his face with his fat little fingers and tried to scramble away from her again. "I-I-I d-didn't d-do anything!"
~

"Either you can run as fast as you can and I'll catch you and beat you up a little, or you can cooperate with me.
~ Comma. COMMA! ;)

"Killed him," she finished for him, looking incredibly nonchalant about it.
~ Mm, this feels really stiff. I'm not really sure how you can describe nonchalant, though. *bites lip* Maybe like~ "Killed him," she finished, shrugging carelessly.

His nose started to run.
I refer you above.
"I-i-I won't t-t-tell anyone." He wiped his snotty nose with his hand. "P-p-please Eira."


"You will never run again. You are mine.to order around. You will do what I tell you to do. You will not argue. You will not cry. If you do, I will kill you."
~ I think it sounds more venomous just as "You are mine."
~

I nitpicked this to death. I know I did. Sorry. It was great, as always. I do adore Eira <3.

And Kaynen. I mean, sure, he's an annoying little brat-- but he's one of those that I 'love to hate' ;) Or maybe it's hate to love...I don't know which it would be, tbh. xD He's loveable, though, and well written. I look forward to reading the next bit.

And, well...I suck at ending reviews, as you know.

~Shady 8)




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 2:33 am
MutantOstrich wrote a review...



“B-b-but why d-do you-you-you-you want me-me?” he screamed, tired and terrified.
- The way he’s speaking, it does not really sound like screaming
- I see that you were trying to express how terrified he is, but the "-" can get kind of annoying after a while.

Overwhelmed and too worked up to have any endurance of any kind, he soon gave his beating away to sobbing, and that soon wound down to desperate panting as tears continued down his blotchy face.
- “any endurance of any kind” – this is a bit awkward. “any endurance” or “endurance of any kind” would be better.
- You should consider using a word other than “wound”, since you’ve already used that in the previous sentence.

He lifted himself up and twisted himself around to look down at her face
- I suggest that you don’t use the same word twice in one sentence.

She cleared her throat and said calmly,
- “said calmly,” should be “calmly said,”

"No. I'm not letting you run back to take Daddy's place in charge, to tell everyone exactly who killed him."
- I don’t see why the word “exactly” is in this sentence.

He let out a shrill scream when she caught him, whirling him around, and threw him on his back.
- This should be either “whirled him around, and threw him on his back” or “whirling him around and throwing him on his back.”

He seemed to focus on each word to make sure it sounded like he wanted it to.
- “like he wanted it to” should be changed into *insert adjective*. It’s kind of awkward this way.

She met his glare evenly. "That's okay, kid. Hate me." She tied the other end of the strip around his wrist deftly.
- You should eliminate one the adverbs.

"When we're too far away for you to be dumb enough to risk it, or when I decide to trust you, I'll cut the cloth, not before."
- “not before” should be “but not before that.” Actually, I don’t think the “not before” is necessary at all.

She shook her head as he turned his back to her and brought her left and across her chest, jerking him closer to her.
- Since these are Kaynen’s actions, it should be “jerking her closer to him.” Or just “jerking her closer.”

Other things
- Too many descriptions. The reader will know what you mean, even if some of them are deleted.
- This leads to too long sentences. However, some of them were very well done.
- It’s hard to know what kind of situations the two are in, though this might be because I haven’t read part 1. But I do suggest you go into your characters’ minds sometimes, instead of only focusing on physical action.

I did say a bunch of bad things, but I did enjoy your story. Eira and Kaynen’s personalities were vivid, and you did a good job on the “show not tell” thing. Also, the flow was quite good.

Sorry if I was a bit too nitpick—y.





Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Captain Jack Sparrow