Hey, Tronks! I'm here after also reading chapters one and two, so I'm kind of rolling all of my feedback so far into one review. Hopefully it will be helpful to you!
From what I remember from the first chapter: I liked the way you revealed he was blind. You did it with the action and interaction of another character instead of simply stating it, and that reveals a mature knowledge about the effect of different kinds of writing! So that was awesome. What was odd was that toward the end, the other teacher started talking very casually. I think I remember her using the word "totally", and at first I wasn't even sure that she was a teacher. I mean, the environment in a work place is really tough to nail down or describe. Where I work, yeah, there are some teachers who are left out of the loop but the rest have their weekly meetings and confer in doorways, etc. You're able to create your own unique environment, of course, but remember they're professional.
From the second chapter: Eek! Yeah, I'm not sure I believe the environment. Teachers can be friends -- of course. And working together without malice makes a good working environment, but I think there might be enough dissenting minds that it wouldn't seem like a big blob of teachers against one or two, and I don't believe that they'd speak with such malice directly TO Ms. Norton. Maybe behind her back.
I like that you made sure there was a way the teacher could get through to Mr. Thomas. Obviously, if he were just grumpy grumpy grumpy one hundred percent of the time, he'd be a pretty flat character and we'd get tired of him pretty soon. So it's good that you gave him some depth with his family story.
I'm not quite sure he'd have revealed it so soon, though, and especially not like this:
I want to impress her and show her how much I can fix up the play.
You know that's his motivation, but people rarely directly state their motivation. Sometimes they don't know it well enough to package it in a neat sentence, and other times they just don't want anyone to know. There's no reason he would trust this teacher enough to SO QUICKLY let her in.
Maybe if the picture were found accidentally after they ran into each other, that would still allow Ms. Norton to figure out the secret, but not break Mr. Thomas's character and let him warm up to her at a believable pace.
Anyway, we're finally on to chapter three!
"You can't bully a teacher like that." I eyed Todd, the one I had seen tripping Mr. Thomas. "If it happens again, you'll--"
"Whatever, Ms. Norton." Todd snapped. "You used to be cool, but now you're just as stuck up as Mr. Thomas."
The students giggled. Christ, had I really been viewed as one of the kids? Embarrassed, I scolded them louder than I had before, storming off without a farewell.
Okay. So it is totally believable that a new teacher would have no firm handle on her students, but I don't believe the people involved would really speak like this. First of all, using the word "bully" kind of implies that Mr. Thomas and the kid are peers. Usually bullying happens on the same social level, so by her using the word bully, she's lowering the idea of Mr. Thomas.
I think what might save this moment would be if you could convincingly write her second round of scolding, so we believed her strength and that she'd accomplished something. Otherwise, it's so easy to skip over the "scolded them louder than I had before" and think she hadn't done anything at all to respond to that TERRIBLE disrespect. Wouldn't they be sent to the principal's office? Given detentions? Told to call their mothers and explain what had happen? Something more than scolding -- that teacher could have really been hurt!
I also don't understand why Alyssa would search out Mr. Thomas in the teacher's lounge OR feel comfortable enough to sing in front of them -- OR offer to sing for him to make him feel better for that matter. It just doesn't ring true to me. D:
What I do like, though, is that you are drawn to exploring these difficult relationships between people of different social standing, different ages, and different experiences, around a relatively simple task: make a play. But it seems like you're dedicated to bringing out lots of deeper issues as well. For example, I loved the moment in the music class with Derek, because it showed how a teacher's effect could potentially change students' relationships AND how Alyssa was humble about her talents, not giving up her friendships with people who were less talented, etc. Those are really amazing writing instincts!
Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review.
I'd also like to read more when you post it~
Good luck and keep writing!
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