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E - Everyone

The Prophecy Ch. 7

by sarahnsnow


They stood in front of an old small house just beyond the edge of the village that was made of stone with a wooden door and only one window.

"Go ahead and knock," Judas told Alec. The young man nodded, lifted his fist and hit the door three times. It was quiet after as they waited for someone to open the door. Alec then straightened his back and stood tall once the door opened and there stood an old man who looked

to be about seventy years old. He had a bushy mustache with a head full of thick white hair and his eyes were grey.

"Ooooo, I have visitors! Come in come in!"he said eagerly and pulled Alec inside his home.

"All of you now! I see you have an injured man who needs help!" He ushered them in. The old man closed the door which shut pretty hard surprising them all.

"Now put him on the bed," the old man said. Herman lowered Samuel and set him on the mattress.

"Can I have your names?" The old man questioned.

"Don't you remember us?"Storm asked him coldly. The man looked at him with questioning eyes.

" I am sorry, I'm not good at remembering people's faces. Any way I will look at his wound while you wait outside."

"Wait, why do we have to wait outside?"Zacharias asked. "I'm hot and we've been traveling all day." Shannon nudged him hard. Judas nodded and opened the door and walked out with the rest following him.

"I can't believe that old man didn't even remember us," Shannon spoke. "One time we stayed with him for about two weeks because Zach and Alec were injured badly from a fight we were involved in with other bandits."

"He's becoming very old Shannon. It's been a while since we have seen him so we can't expect him to remember,"Judas told her. They all stood outside and waited. Suddenly, the door opened and the man poked his head out.

"You can come in now. Sorry for making you wait out side but I like to be alone when I work."

Samuel was still limp as they walked in but they couldn't believe what they saw. The bandages were gone and the prince's chest was clean. There was no wound nor blood was found. Judas noticed Herman's astonished face and chuckled.

"That's Aldred for you. He contains amazing healing power that can cure wounds like what Samuel had. When he wakes up there will be no pain at all. But... it will take time for him to awake."

"How long?"Herman asked.

"Two days at least," Aldred said coming back in the room with a tray of cups full of steaming liquid. He went around passing a cup to everyone. Then he left the house again leaving the group to stand there staring at Samuel.

Storm put the cup to his lips and began to pour the liquid into his mouth. But right when it touched his tongue, he gasped for it was extremely hot.

"That man always overcooks things!" He exclaimed touching his burnt tongue. Alec stood beside him laughing. Storm glared at him.

"Here you drink it!" He said forcing the cup to Alec's mouth. Alec cried and tried pushing it away from him.

***

One by one the stars slowly came out in the mysterious night brightly shining and showing off the glory of their light. Herman sat outside while the others stayed with Aldred and Samuel eating a small meal the doctor made for them. After their experience in the cave the only thing he could think about was the woman and what she said about his father. His curiosity tensed as he thought about it more. The woman called herself the Hidden One and said she knew his father. His sick father’s image appeared in his mind making his eyes sting with tears but he held them back.

There was something about his father the villagers of Sharpine would talk about. That his father had magic. The woman who called herself the Hidden One may have had some sort of communication with him. Who is she? Herman thought. And why did she only appear to him and Danielle?

He shivered from the cold weather that came from the rain earlier that day and decided he should go back inside. He opened the door and saw everyone finishing off their food. There was one plate full of burnt food waiting for him. He picked it up and began to eat. Even though it was burnt, he was so hungry he ate it.

***

“Ella, you need to go to bed,” Queen Maralyn said.

“No, I’m alright,” Ella replied. Maralyn shook her head. She touched her daughter’s shoulder.

“You have been worrying all day, you need your rest.”

“But I want to wait until the knights return.” Maralyn sighed and stroked her daughter’s hair.

“Alright,” she replied softly. She left Ella standing in the throne room and headed to her and Steven’s bed chamber.

Adrian and the others were already asleep so it was just Ella waiting for Cynric’s return. She was tired but did want to go to bed yet. She wanted to see if they found Samuel which she hoped.

“Princess,” a guard said as he entered the throne room.

“The knights have returned.” Ella felt the hope rise inside her as she raced out

of the castle and to the knights quarters. They were heading there now.

“Cynric!” She called. It was dark outside so she couldn’t tell which knight was him. One knight stopped and turned to her and she recognized him. She looked at him with a face full of hope but he stared back.

“I’m sorry,” he said. All the hope vanished from within her and she felt like she could collapse there right then and start sobbing. Unexpectedly, she put her head on his breastplate and let the tears leak. He then rested his hand on the back of her head and left it there.

“Will we ever find him?” she asked. There was a moment before Cynric replied.

“We will. Don’t worry Ella. He will turn up soon. Just believe it.” Ella smiled a little. Cynric’s words made it seem so true.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For looking for him.”

***

Another day passed and Samuel still hadn’t woken up. Noticing Herman’s concerned face, Aldred laughed.

“Tomorrow the prince will surely awaken. Do not worry!” The doctor opened the front door.

“I am going to pick some herbs. Could maybe some of you go into town and buy meat and flour for tonight’s dinner? I am making a special supper for tonight!” The door slammed shut.

“Silly old man,” Shannon muttered.

“I’ll go into town and buy the meat and flour,” Herman said opening the door and walking out into the cloudy, cool day.

***

Danielle groaned loudly and moved her meat back and forth between her large claws.

“It’s been too long!” They were gone for two days and still did not return. Remembering that Herman said they wouldn’t be long, Danielle growled.

“We are so close. I do not want to stop now!”

“Danielle, be patient. And stop talking, I’m trying to sleep,” Mue said lying a few inches away from her. Danielle scooped him up in her claw and stared down at him.

“Danielle, what are you doing?”

“How can you sleep when they were probably attacked by other bandits or who knows what else? Samuel might already be dead!” Mue’s eyes were shut tight. Danielle growled again and shook him.

“Mue, please don’t fall asleep!”

“Alright, alright!” Danielle smiled.

“I think I’m going to go after them.”

“What !? You can’t Herman told you to wait here!”

“I know but I can’t stand the fact that Samuel might be dead. Ella would never forgive me. Samuel protected me so I would not die and now I want to protect him.”

“Oh so do you have feelings for him?” Mue asked slyly. Danielle just looked at him. Did she?

“What are you talking about? Of course not!” Mue’s eyes twinkled.

“Oh really?” Danielle pushed the topic aside.

“I am going to the village right now. Here get on me back.”

“Hey wait!” Mue cried out. Once she put him on her back, he clutched her scales tightly with his tail sticking straight up.

“Hold on!” Danielle jumped off the ground and flew into the dark sky.

***

“Samuel.” The voice entered his ears. He was having a dream although it disappeared. Now he heard the sound of voices around him, calling his name.

“Wake up now Samuel,” Herman said. He opened his eyes and saw many people standing around him. He looked left and saw Herman.

“Herman,” he whispered.

“It’s alright now. You can get up. You’re healed,”

"You are awake now!" The old man cried. He grabbed a bowl and clumsily dumped the soup into the bowl. Then he put it carefully in Samuel's hands.

"Here now, eat that." Samuel put the bowl to his lips and poured it into his mouth. A delicous taste filled his mouth and he ate more.

"It is very good!" The old man smiled. Storm crossed his arms.

"Hmp since when did he cook something that is not overcooked?"

"Just be quiet Storm," Shannon muttered nudging him in the arm.

"Finally, it's about time this little prince woke up now we can leave this village," Zacharias said with relief.

"No, you cannot leave yet," Aldred remarked.

"Why not!" Zacharias yelled.

"I still have to pack supplies for you on your journey and that will take the whole day." Zacharias scoffed.

"This old man is slow," he murmured.

"What did you say?" The man asked over his shoulder. He was stirring the soup again.

"Nothing," Zacharias replied.

"Can I have more soup?" Samuel asked. He was very hungry.

"Oh yes," Aldred replied and poured more soup into his bowl.

"How long have I been asleep?" Samuel asked.

"Two days," Herman replied. Samuel put more soup in his mouth savoring the taste it brought.He finished that bowl and asked for another and when he was finished, he searched for one specific person.

"Where is Danielle?"

"She is waiting for us. We thought bringing her would startle the village so we told her to wait until we returned," Herman explained.

"Right." Samuel looked out the window to see the sun shining and the lingering mountains waiting to be searched. They were in the mountains now. Danielle said she felt that Andorra lived some where in these mountains and now they were there.

Samuel looked away from the window and looked at the door. Suddenly it opened a girl popped her head in.

"Aldred!" She cried stepping into the house.

***

Danielle and Mue flew through the sky and saw the village not very far from them.

"I will land here," Danielle said and flew lower until she reached the ground. With Danielle's tall body, she stood over the huge boulders overlooking the town. They looked at the village seeing many homes and people scattered around the place.

"How will we find them?" Mue asked in her ear. Danielle didn't reply, She stared at the people seeing if she could spot any of her companions.

"Well Danielle?"

"Hmm, how about you go in and find them Mue?" Danielle suggested. Mue's tail stood on it's end.

"Me?"

"Yes, now go." Danielle pushed him with her claw and he climbed down the boulders to the other side.

"Come back to me if you find them."

"Alright," Mue replied in his little voice. Once he reached the ground he bounded off toward the village.

"Find them Mue. Please," she said to herself. She waited for about an hour for Mue return but there was no sigh of him. She wished she could just walk right into the village but in her dragon form there was no way she would to do that. Her stomach was growling a minute later and she groaned.

"I need to need eat something," she said.

"Danielle!" She turned to her right with her heart full of hope.

"I found them. They are staying with an old man who lives on the very edge of the village." Mue used one of his small hairy fingers to point north from them.

"Did you see Samuel?"

"Yes and he is all healed. There was no wound or blood nor anything!" Danielle sighed in relief.

"That's good. Oh and you didn't let them see you did you?"

"No!" Mue exlaimed.

"Good because I don't want Herman to know that I came to the village to look for them."

"How will we get to the other side?"

"We will go around of course," Danielle replied. "It's the only way because if we fly the villagers will see us and there will be a huge comotion." They started walking through canvasas mountains that surrounded the village.

"I am so happy we are here in the Enigma mountains but I am nervous too," Danielle said. "Andorra has to be here I can feel it." Mue didn't say anything but sat on her head and closed his eyes.

"Wake me up when we get to the other side." Danielle rolled her eyes. Mue was very lazy most of the time but when he was active, she found him fun to be around. When she got changed back into her body, she would make sure that she could keep Mue.

A while later she made it to the other side tired and hungry. After waking up Mue they crept through a tight crevise making their way to the doctor's home.

***

The girl had long golden blonde hair that went down to her waist and she had blue eyes. Her skin was fair with rosy cheeks and she looked to be a year younger than Samuel.

"Lillia! How nice of you to come visit me!" Aldred exclaimed and ran to hug her. After they embraced the girl looked at his guests.

"Who are these people?" she asked in her cheery voice.

"Oh some old guests I had a while ago," Aldred replied.

"So he does remember us," Storm whispered to Shannon.

"But the big man here with the red hair and the young man sitting in the bed are new." Lillia rested her eyes on Samuel and smiled.

"Ohhh, what's your name?" she asked him. She walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed.

"U-uh Samuel."

"Nice to meet you!" Lillia exlaimed.

"You know you're cute!" Samuel's face turned red and he glanced at Herman. Herman just shrugged and looked away.

***

Samuel thrust his legs over to the side and stood up. He put his arms out to the side and stretched. He glanced sideways and saw Lillia gazing at him in wonder. He looked away and looked to Herman who was holding his dirty old shirt. He took it and slipped it over his head pulling the shirt down so it covered his stomach.

“Lillia,” Aldred spoke. “I need more herbs.” Lilllia’s face lit up and she smiled.

“I will go pick them right away!” She exclaimed and threw open the door.

“Aldred, can Samuel come with me?” Aldred looked at the prince

‘Yes.” Lillia squealed, took Samuel’s hand lead him out the door in a rush.

“The herbs are behind here,” she said running around the small house. Behind it was a tiny hill and beyond that was a dirt field with plants growing out from the soil. Samuel looked up, for a mountain nearby was so tall it seemed to reach the sun.

“Come here Samuel and pick these!” Lillia exclaimed pointing to some purple colored plants with a type of black fruit growing on the tip of the branches. Kneeling beside Lillia, Samuel began to pick the black herbs off of the branches and cupped them in his hand.

“So what injury did Aldred cure this time?” Lillia asked.

“An arrow struck my chest.”

“Ooo, well it’s a good thing you came here. Aldred can heal anyone. Since I was young I always came here to watch him heal people and take care of them. My father works at a bakery and my mother stays home to do the chores. When I was bored I came here to play and Aldred would teach about herbs and healing powers. I am his apprentice now.” Lillia got up and ran to another spot with herbs. Samuel watched her smile and her cheeks flush and thought of someone. Danielle and this girl were a lot alike. They were very cheerful. Especially Danielle who hanged around Ella a lot. He could see her happiness when she was with Ella just like Lillia and Aldred. They cared for each other deeply and couldn’t be happy if one of them died leaving the other to be alone.

“Samuel.” He looked up startled and confused.

“Samuel, look here.” It was low whisper that Samuel thought that he could only hear. He turned his view from Lillia to the mountain. He gasped seeing Danielle’s face peering at him over the cliff above him. Samuel hurriedly looked back to see if Lillia noticed but her eyes were focused on the herbs she was picking. Samuel looked Danielle in the eyes and said in a quiet voice,

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to see if you were alright,” Danielle replied. Samuel rolled his eyes and lifted his arms in a gesture to show that he was perfectly fine. Danielle released a deep breath and smiled.

“That’s good.”

“Go now,” Samuel said. “Before she sees you.”

“Who’s she?” Danielle demanded.

“I have no time to explain. Now go.”

“Samuel, put yours in my apron,” Lillia said coming toward him. Danielle quickly hid herself and watched him put the herbs into the pile where her herbs were.

“Why is Samuel with her?” Danielle muttered and watched the girl smile and say something to him.

“They’re sure getting along well.” Mue was peering down as well and said,

“They look well together.”

“Mue! He is engaged to my sister, he can’t fall fall in love with this girl!"

"I sense jealousy."

“Mue! Be quiet!” They watched the two begin walking away but right as they made it past the hill a few screams ran through the village. Danielle immediately looked to the sky with panic and saw three winged creatures making their way toward the village.

Danielle stood up taller reaching over the cliff to see what sort of creatures these were. Below she could see the villagers rushing to their home carrying their children to safety while others quickly abandoned their markets. Danielle stared at the winged creatures who were a forest green color with a long neck and a large head. Their mouths contained extremely sharp teeth and they had only two legs and two wings.

"What are they?" Danielle asked out loud.

"They are very strange looking," Mue commented. One of them roared sending an eerie feeling through Danielle's body.

"I have a bad feeling." She looked at Samuel and the girl who's attention was turned to the creatures as well.

"Oh no. I need to warn them. Samuel!" she called. Both of them looked straight at her. The girl then screamed cowering behind Samuel.

"Samuel let's get back inside!" The girl cried pulling him with her although Samuel resisted.

"Hurry and get inside Samuel," Danielle told him. "I'll chase them away. Mue, you go with them." Mue hesitated but obeyed and bounded down the mountain toward Samuel and jumped onto his shoulder. Danielle launched off from the cliff and began to soar toward the creatures who were now swarming the village. They began to swoop down ward reaching out their claws to snatch some of the villagers.

"Danielle wait!" Samuel lunged from the girl's grasp but two strong arms grabbed his shoulders pulling him back. He looked to see that it was Herman. The bandit gang were standing behind him along with the old doctor.

"Don't worry. She will be fine. Remember when she defeated the Rust Dragon? These will be even easier for her to kill," Herman said. Samuel watched the black Dragon attack one of the creatures.

"What are they?"

"Wyverns. Creatures of the Ancient power that existed even before we humans did. Few of these creatures still live today," Herman replied. Samuel looked into the sky with concern. He hoped Danielle would be alright.

***

Danielle struck the first wyvern that came at her. Her teeth dug into his neck and she tasted the green liquid that her teeth was now coated with. As the creature cried out in horror, she released it's neck. It thrung it's head back with it's blood gushing out from it's wound. Then she bit it's wing and tore just as she did with the Rust Dragon. With her claws, she wrapped them around the wyvern's body and thrust it downward so it crashed into village grounds.

The other wyvern then had jumped on her back and furociously scratched her scales creating deep cuts. Danielle cried out and tried to shake the wyvern off of her. She succeeded with using all her strength then she attacked. It's much bigger than the other. She thought. She felt it's strained efforts to get her off of it.

She released the creature and it flew at her to attack but she gathered a heavy gas inside her throat. In less than a second, powerful flames escaped her throat concealing the wyvern until it was a crisp, burnt figure that fell toward the ground. Danielle landed in the village and stared at the wyverns that she killed.

"I did it," she said. "That was too easy. Hey Mue, I did it!" She waited for a reply but realised she left him with Samuel.

"Aaaaaaaahhhh!" She heard a scream from nearby. She looked behind her and saw a villager backed up against a wall. He was young boy and was looking at her in fright.

"No, it's alright," Danielle told him. "I won't hurt you." The boy screamed again and ran away. Danielle watched him in disapointment.

"Am I really that frightening?" She asked herself. With stinging scratches on her back she leaped into the air and starting flying back to Samuel and Herman. Below her vilagers began coming out of their homes.

Danielle smiled when she saw Herman, Samuel, and the bandit gang waiting for her by the doctor's home. Mue was sitting on Samuel's shoulder waving at her with his little paws and calling her name while the girl Samuel was with earlier was standing behind him. Danielle landed in front of them. She looked at Herman and saw that he was staring at her with questioning eyes. Then she looked at Samuel who's wound was gone and he looked alive.

***

It wasn't long after her battle with they wyverns that the sun started to set and the cool night crawled in. Because of her large body, she had to stay outside while the others were inside in the house eating their meals. Danielle lay on the cold ground and watched everyone through the small window. Inside, Shannon, Storm, and Zacharias were arguing while Judas, Herman and Alec sat at the small table with Samuel sitting across from them. Lillia, the girl, went up to his side bringing him a plate of cooked meat and stew on the side. She was smiling making his cheeks go red. Danielle wanted to look away but her eyes stayed on them.

She longed for home and for Ella and her family. Just thinking about it made her heart ache and she felt like crying. Suddenly Samuel looked at her through the window and she quickly looked away. She closed her eyes and tried to make her mind blank but Andorra popped into her mind. Tomorrow they would find her for sure and then she could turn her body back. Hopefully.

"Danielle." She opened her eyes and lifted her head. She saw Samuel standing a few feet away staring at her with concern.

"Are you alright?" he asked. Danielle looked at him in surprise. Hmp he's being nice to me."Yes I'm fine, why?"

"You seemed sad when I saw you," he replied.

"I'm okay." Danielle rested her head.

"Do you miss your family Samuel?" He looked at her and sat down.

"Yes, very much."

"What about Ella?" Samuel looked at her with surprise.

"Yes, of course." Danielle watched him turn his head away and stare at the ground.

"Do you really believe Andorra lives somewhere in these mountains?" He asked. It took a while for Danielle to reply.

"Yes. I can feel it. Sometimes I have dreams of where I see her calling to me. And when I wake up, I look at the mountains and I have this feeling that she is there, some where." Danielle felt like smiling. Both of them were getting along and having a conversation that was going along smoothly.

Mue began to snore creating an awkward moment between them. Luckily Herman walked out of the house telling Samuel to come inside for it was time to sleep. Samuel stood up and walked past Herman making his way into the house where Aldred moved the table creating space for them all the sleep. Lillia had gone home to her family.

Herman looked at Danielle and said,

"We will arise early tomorrow and begin our search. You tell us which direction and we will follow. You are the one who led us to these mountains after all." Danielle nodded and Herman went back into the house. I hope he isn't mad at me for not waiting for them. She thought.

Danielle closed her eyes and drifted into a deep sleep where another dream appeared. She saw Andorra once again, running through the foggy woods calling her name.

***

"Andorra." The witch turned from her window and saw one of her minotaurs standing in the door way holding a huge ax with a perfectly sharp blade.

"The wyverns that were on their way here were attacked and killed by a black dragon." Andorra smiled.

"Just go back to the soldiers and worry about them. We will have a new visitor soon and I want you to be ready. Stand in front of the gate and wait for the black dragon to arrive. We will give her a nice welcome." The minotaur left the room as Andorra was chuckling.

"My plan is working. Soon the prophecy will be changed and I will have my revenge on my brother and the whole kingdom. They will regret what they did to me." She turned to the scuffling noises in the corner of the room.

"I can see you are becoming excited." The figure stood there.

"I just want to see if it's really possible to change the prophecy." Andorra walked toward the figure and put her fingers under his chin.

"Don't worry. Either way I will get my revenge."

***

Danielle opened her eyes to see a gorgeous sunrise appear out from behind the mountains and give off a brilliant orange, yellowish radiance. She felt warmth warm her scales. Today they would find Andorra and then she would go home in her human body.

"Good morning," she heard Mue say. He put his arms over his head and stretched.

"Good morning Mue. Sleep well?" She asked. He replied yes and began fidgeting with his tail. Danielle smiled. He always did that trying to make his tail look nice every day. When they returned to Zilda, she would make sure she could keep Mue for when Ella married Samuel she wouldn't feel lonely. Ella would marry Samuel. She knew she gained feelings for him on their journey but she did not want to acknowledge them. She glanced through the window and saw him just wake up from his sleep. Every time he got hurt, she worried. I will bring him home safely. For Ella.

Trying to act normal, she stood up tall and exclaimed "I am ready to go! Mue?" The squirrel blinked at her and then replied,

"Of course! I am ready when you are ready!" Danielle's mood lifted when he said that. This told her that he would always be by her side although he was a squirrel and she was ferocious black dragon. Strange combination. She thought and laughed a little.

She waited outside the door until Herman, Samuel, and the bandit gang walked out with packs on their backs. Aldred stood in the door way saying goodbye. Danielle thanked him again and they all left the village the way Danielle came in. While traveling through a deep crevice in the mountain Danielle looked back at the village. Although the village had no idea who defeated the wyverns, she felt good about herself. She saved a village she didn't even know.

"Danielle," Samuel spoke. "Are you alright?" Danielle looked at him and his handsome face and smiled her dragon smile.

"Yes!" Samuel watched her curiously and then looked away. What is she thinking right now? He thought. Danielle looked at him.

"Your hair looks messy." Samuel covered his hair with his hands and replied,

"Just be quiet! Worry about your own precious hair." Danielle laughed.

"I can't right now. I am a dragon, remember now?" Samuel glared at her with a red face.

"Rest your eyes somewhere else and not on me!" Danielle started to laugh which triggered Samuel's anger.

Alec walked beside Herman and watched the two argue.

"They look like a good pair don't you think?" He asked Herman. Herman shrugged.

"I guess so but Samuel is engaged to Danielle's older sister Ella."

"Well that's too bad," Alec replied and continued to watch them.

"Alec, your time will come when you will fall in love," Judas said to him and put his hand on his shoulder.

"I don't know. Have you Judas?" The man looked away for a moment with blushes on his cheeks.

"Sure I have but I am not sure that it is that kind of love," he replied.

"Alec, there is a woman who needs someone right here behind you!" Zacharias said with a smirk. Shannon pinched his ear.

"Zach! Can't you keep quiet?" Zacharias tried to pull away from her painful grasp. Alec and Storm laughed and so did Judas. Herman watched them but kept quiet.

They were coming to the end of the crevice and deeper in to the valley of mountains. Herman had no idea how they were going to find Andorra but he had a feeling he knew that Danielle could lead lead them to her.

***

It was a lighted path surrounded by tall mountains. And there was a girl with long black hair the color of a crow. She was breathing heavily for she was running on the path toward a dark place. She stopped in front of a small stream to to catch her breath and then dipped her hands into the water to drink. After, she continued to run through the mountains on this path until she reached the dark place. There was large kingdom with dark fog surrounding it. There was also a tall white gate surrounding the whole castle. Many wyverns swarmed the place and there were small figures roaming the inside of the gates. The girl begat her way to the gate.

Danielle opened her eyes. This was another one of those dreams that she had each night. Could this dream have shown me the way to Andorra? She thought. Herman was already awake and so was Judas. They traveled a lot yesterday on foot and got really far into the mountains. Danielle stood and for the first time she noticed how big she'd gotten from the last few days. She was sure her head almost reached a peak of one of the mountains they slept by.

"Herman," she said. He looked at her.

"I know where to go," she said remembering the dream. "We need to find a stream so I will fly above and search for it." Before Herman could reply, she leaped into the air and flew. Samuel and Herman watched her flap her wings and descend higher into the sky.

Danielle eyes searched the mountains below scouring for any sigh of stream. Flapping her wings once more, she soared lower.

"There!" Just below her there was a small stream running north throughout the mountains.

"We just have to follow that stream. And then... we find Andorra. Just like in the dream," she told hersfelf picturing the strange castle in her mind. Turning around, she headed back to Herman and the others.

"There's a stream nearby that we just have to follow and then we'll find Andorra," Danielle said landing on the ground. Mue ran up her back and sat on her head.

At the mention of Andorra, Judas sat up and rubbed his eyes. He was going to see his old friend again. And maybe he could speak to her. There was a lot of things he wanted to say that he did not say long ago.

They found the stream an hour later and followed it. While walking, Danielle felt the excitement grow at the thought of having her normal body back. Don't worry Father, mother, Adrian, and Ella. I will be home soon. She thought.She looked at Samuel. Always handsome. She thought. I can't believe I am thinking this but Ella is lucky to have him. Danielle sighed. She did feel jealous when she watched them both gaze into each others eyes.Suddenly Samuel caught her gaze and she looked away.

***

She's always looking at me. He thought. Why? Then he smiled. Could she...? Samuel shook his head and all the thoughts from his mind.

"Let's rest a while," Herman said. Everyone set down their packs and filled their canteens with water from the streams. Then they sat on rocks near each other and rested.

It wasn't long until they were moving again.

"This is it, we are every close," Danielle told them. The path was becoming smaller just as in the dream and up ahead she saw dark smoke rising into the air. They moved on until a dark kingdom lay before them. It was exactly what Danielle saw in her dream. She looked up into the sky at the swarming wyverns and then inside the gate.

"A necropolis," Judas said. "It's supposed to be a kingdom of the dead but I know none that can resurrect the dead." No one replied but stared into the kingdom that sent an eerie feeling through each of them.

"Let's go," Danielle said.


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:38 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Sarah!

I'm telling you, these chapters just get better the more I read! I love how the relationship between Samuel and Danielle has developed and how it's even turned romantic. This is going to be an interesting ending, what with Samuel being engaged to Ella. I just hope that she finds someone meanwhile too.

I can sense this whole story building up to the climax now. I can't wait to see what will happen when the group finally have to face Andorra, and how the battle will go down. I hope Danielle can return to her human self, no matter how much good she's done so far in her dragon form.

The writing is going much better when it comes to spelling and commas, but there are still some missing here. I don't think it's worth it, pointing out each one, but I do think you should read through this one more time. I'm sure you'll be able to find and solve the majority of the mistakes yourself. If you're still not sure, feel free to ask me to take a closer look at it, and I will go through it with you and help solve each mistake. Don't forget commas as well! A good way to check that they're all there is by reading the piece out loud to yourself and noting where you pause for breath. If it's not the end of the sentence, you need a comma there. That's the method I usually use :)

One thing I'm struggling with here is keeping track on the bandits as a whole. There's Storm and Shannon and Judas and... so many characters! And I know that not all of these are vital to the story. So maybe you should keep referring to the whole group as the bandits, and only name the important people? Like Herman, Alec, Judas and Samuel. Maybe a girl too. Then forget the other names and just refer to them as the bandits or a member of the bandits if talking about an individual. That way the reader doesn't get confused so often or easily lost ^^

Moving on to other chapters! You sure do write long posts. You might get a few more reviews if you split this into like, part one and part two. It could be handy :) Anyways, next chapter here I come!

Deanie x




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:58 am
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



ED here, hopefully I can be of some help.

First of all, this is 16 pages long! I realize that this is about the normal length for a novel chapter, but try and be more courteous of your reviewers. We only have so much time, after all. I’d suggest posting it in parts or just posting the parts that are truly necessary for the story---the parts you really need and/or want reviewed.

Now on to the review.

I’m going to leave all spelling errors and grammatical mistakes out of this, and deal simply with any story inconsistencies and sections in need of revision. Here goes:

Spoiler! :
"Go ahead and knock," Judas told Alec. The young man nodded, lifted his fist and hit the door three times.


This is the middle of the story, by now we should know what age all your main characters are (roughly) and bringing it up now is redundant. Simply put “he nodded.”

Alec then straightened his back and stood tall once the door opened and there stood an old man who looked to be about seventy years old.


You have a lot of these in here. They’re called run on sentences, and you need to break them up a bit. Space things out use commas to your advantage. This should read:

“The door opened and Alec straightened his back, standing tall. An old man stood in the doorway, he looked to be about seventy years old.”

See how it flows more smoothly?

The old man closed the door which shut pretty hard surprising them all.


“The old man slammed the door, suprising them all.” My personal motto is: don’t use two words when one will suffice.

"Don't you remember us?" Storm asked him coldly. The man looked at him with questioning eyes.


More importantly, don’t they remember him? If he’s somebody familiar you need to mention his name right away, as the characters will recognize him.

"How long?"Herman asked.


I said I wouldn’t point out grammatical errors but make sure you use a space in between the dialogue and the dialogue tag.

One by one the stars slowly came out in the mysterious night brightly shining and showing off the glory of their light. Herman sat outside while the others stayed with Aldred and Samuel eating a small meal the doctor made for them.


Another run-on.

After their experience in the cave the only thing he could think about was the woman and what she said about his father.


Who? Alec? You need to be more direct in your point of view. I thought the narration was in omniscient, not third, point of view. Try to show more of Alec’s thoughts and emotions, otherwise he sort of just blends in with the others.

His curiosity tensed as he thought about it more.


“His curiosity grew.” “Tensed” isn’t the right word here.

“But I want to wait until the knights return.” Maralyn sighed and stroked her daughter’s hair.

“Alright,” she replied softly. She left Ella standing in the throne room and headed to her and Steven’s bed chamber.


The queen concedes so easily? What? But that’s too easy! Story is about conflict. Maybe you could have her sneak out of her room, or maybe just give the queen a bit more misgiving before she agrees to Ella’s request.

Another day passed and Samuel still hadn’t woken up. Noticing Herman’s concerned face, Aldred laughed.


…but I thought that earlier they had given him something to drink? You sort of need to be conscience if you’re going to react to something being poured down your throat.

They started walking through canvasas mountains that surrounded the village.


Canvasas mountains? I have no idea what you meant here. Also, I live in the mountains and one does not simply go “walking through them.” It would take a while, even for a dragon. Maybe the village is down in a valley and all they have to do is walk down the side of a mountain to get into it?

"I am so happy we are here in the Enigma mountains but I am nervous too,"


Why is she happy to be in these mountains? Just her saying that doesn’t mean very much. Show, don’t tell. How does Danielle show that she is happy? If it were me, I would take in the beauty of the depths and heights of the mountains, the clear smell. Stretch my wings under a green canopy that smells of deep pine. See how descriptive you can get? You can show she loves these mountains without actually saying that she’s happy.

The girl had long golden blonde hair that went down to her waist and she had blue eyes. Her skin was fair with rosy cheeks and she looked to be a year younger than Samuel.


This is a very sudden transition. You should give us a bit more detail to let us know that we are back at Aldred’s, and that this girl is a newcomer.

"You know you're cute!" Samuel's face turned red and he glanced at Herman. Herman just shrugged and looked away.


Well, he may be cute, but normally girls are rather reserved around guys they think are cute. She probably wouldn’t come right out and say this. It’s a bit unrealistic.

***

Samuel thrust his legs over to the side and stood up. He put his arms out to the side and stretched.


There shouldn’t be a paragraph transition here. Not much time has passed so you can just go on without the “***.”

Samuel watched her smile and her cheeks flush and thought of someone. Danielle and this girl were a lot alike.


This should be changed to: “Samuel watched her smile and her cheeks flushed, which caused him to think about someone.

“Samuel, put yours in my apron,” Lillia said coming toward him. Danielle quickly hid herself and watched him put the herbs into the pile where her herbs were.


Alright, now here you do need a transition, to show that we are switching into Danielle’s point of view instead of Samuel’s.

Danielle stared at the winged creatures who were a forest green color with a long neck and a large head. Their mouths contained extremely sharp teeth and they had only two legs and two wings.


Now, just saying, most people who like to read fantasy know what a Wyvern is, you could just say they’re Wyverns. That being said, you can break these sentences up to make things more dramatic, add some verbs in with your description as well:

“Danielle stared at the winged creatures. They glided through the air with their long necks stretched out, carrying their huge heads. Their teeth glinted against the sky and they moved silently on dark green, leathery wings.”

It thrung it's head back with it's blood gushing out from it's wound.


Flung, not thrung.

… but Andorra popped into her mind.


“Popped” isn’t a very threatening way to enter someone’s mind. Try “crept” or “slithered” or something.

Hmp he's being nice to me."Yes I'm fine, why?"


Danielle’s personal thoughts need to be in italics.

"My plan is working. Soon the prophecy will be changed and I will have my revenge on my brother and the whole kingdom. They will regret what they did to me." She turned to the scuffling noises in the corner of the room.


Why would she be saying all this out loud? This happens in Disney movies, not in books. It’s not very realistic. Is there a way you can show what Andorra’s thoughts are without having her speak to the air?

"A necropolis," Judas said. "It's supposed to be a kingdom of the dead but I know none that can resurrect the dead."


This doesn’t make much sense. I’m not sure what he was trying to say here.


General comments:

1. Try to limit your cast of characters.

From what I can tell, it seems like Alec, Samuel, and Danielle are the more important people in your story. Try to keep things in their point of view, that way it’s not so confusing or jumping around all over the place. Secondly, are there characters that can be combined or who aren’t really necessary? It may seem harsh to cut out a character, but how many bandits do you really need, for instance. And do they all have to be travelling together? The less amount of people you have, the more you can worry about the main events of your story.

2. Pacing.

This moves very, very fast. You need to add more description and detail. Pretend that you’re a camera. Start out kind of far away, describe what you see, then move in closer. Then closer and closer until we see, for example, Samuel’s expressions when he picks up an herb. Use all five of your senses to describe what they’re feeling and experiences. This also adds more suspense to your story. All the events that happened here should have taken several chapters to tell, not one.

Other than that, all I can suggest is that you go through and do a huge spell check. Try and use grammar rules to help you tell your story more effectively.

This was good. It was very exciting and kept me interested. I wonder what happens in the rest of it.

Keep writing!
~ED




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:04 am
Lozzanator wrote a review...



I like this. It's a reasonable length, with good interesting names such as Herman and Judas. Constructively, it can get a little confusing at times. However, don't let this put you down (I appreciate that it is annoying when somebody criticises your work and I'm not really going to). I think this is a really good piece of writing; you're talented, you have a love for this kind of writing, too. I like action and adventure and fantasy so keep up the good work! Sorry if this is no help whatsoever... ~
Lozzanator





Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
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