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139,672 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hey, Lumi. Thought I'd stop by and see what you were up to.
So, the first thing I noticed was this sentence:
It's easy to know what you meant, but the grammar is off. I understand poetry can work in mind-bending sentences, but this sounds too much like an accidental error to be comfortable in this poem.
As for the rest of the poem, it's fairly clear. My absolutely favorite moment is the phrase "burst of centuries", because it brings up so many thoughts and cracks the referenced time span wide open. We then see space through time and our mind gets pretty big in the imagining.
But... in general this poem feels a lot like this line to me:
I don't like this line because it's so unremarkable. Shine? Shine?! After all this technical, realistic talk, this mumbling about polygons and bodies and cooking, we get the regular old "stars shine" paired with an empty adverb? This poem could be so much more than that. I feel like you were maybe having trouble finding a topic, theme, or ending, and so you went with the first one that felt okay, but I will tell you that I don't think it is! It's very weak, and thus not memorable.
I like the opening. I thinks it's smooth, and I love the way you make us think about verbs we've never thought of with stars before -- stars meeting, stars passing, nice and simple -- but I just wish you would bring this poem to the end the beginning calls for.
PM me or reply if you have questions or comments about my review.
Good luck~
Hey! Cailey here for a last review of the night for the Green Lanterns.
Let me know if you've got questions or comments or anything, and keep on writing!
I loved the basics of this poem. Very touching, no that's not the right word. It was meaningful, I guess.
I love the first line, and I love how you seem to be wavering throughout the piece. I like the reference to math and then the strangeness that comes along when you add how long to cook a body.
I must say though, one of my pet peeves is when people don't capitalize the letter 'I' which you didn't do, so that was really distracting for me. But maybe you had a reason for not having any capital letters, in which case don't let me stop you. You're the author of this poem after all, not me.
Also, I didn't quite like the ending line. I pay a lot of attention to the last line of a poem (don't ask me why) and I feel like it should really tie the whole thing together. It seems like the line right about it would be a better ending, since it ties back to the title and the first line. But that also is up to you.
Well, I hope some of this was helpful and not just super tired ramblings. I really need to go and get some sleep now.
This was extremely well written. Your line structure and spacing is amazing. The same goes for your words, they all fit together seamlessly.
The second line has a grammar mistake, you say (or said, I suppose) "i've" This is incorrect. 'I's are always capitalized when they are on their own or in a contraction. (I'm lucky enough to have a computer who does that automatically for me, because I never remember when I'm speed typing, which is all the time.)
I love what you have here as your ending, but is it really your ending? There's no period, so the readers and reviewers are left to wonder. I think it would be awesome if you continued this, but I also think that that was the ending.
As K says, your imagery skills are incredible, and therefore deserve another mention. I could clearly see everything that you wrote as I read it. That's true talent right there.
So, I've said all I have to say. I'll get out of your hair now.
Happy Writing!
HT
Hello, I'm K here to review! Hopefully this will be helpful to you!
Let's begin with your strengths. The first strength is super obvious- you are amazing at separating lines and basically, just designing your poem. The structure here is just beautiful and adds greatly to the poem. You also have great skills in imagery, and I really like the scenes you describe here!
Now, weaknesses. The first, that bothered me quite a bit, was your "i.e." To me, that just does not belong in a poem, but it may just be me. That whole line, however, makes absolutely no sense to me and doesn't add to the poem itself. And, if something doesn't increase the amazingness of the poem, it doesn't really have a point being in the poem.
Another weakness I noticed was your ending- it was so abrupt and didn't seem to draw the poem to a true close like I had hoped it would. Maybe next time, focus on ending your poem clearly? I think that would help a lot for future works!
Other than that, I really loved your poem! I think with quite a bit of practice, you could be one of the best poets on this site! =^.^= I can't wait to see more works from you!