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E - Everyone


by niteowl

Embalm me in chemicals and shine

X-rays through me to see the

Truth I hid away. It’s not

Right for you to break me down. Go ahead,

Analyze me, but you

Cannot decipher my essence

Through my broken parts.

I am gone because you had to

Overwhelm me with solutions.

Nothing can save me anymore.

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66 Reviews

Points: 1000
Reviews: 66

Wed Oct 10, 2018 7:33 pm
Starve says...

This is great !
Especially the chemistry/med references and how short and cohesive it is.

niteowl says...

Thank you! :)

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69 Reviews

Points: 893
Reviews: 69

Mon Aug 26, 2013 3:27 pm
WillowCutz wrote a review...

Hey, it's little me back from parié...
Wait sorry...that's Zack and Cody...
Anywho I'm Willow C. and I'm gonna reveiw this for you.

Here we go... First the title. Good, brief, relevant, and interesting. Good, a lot of people struggle with that, but this is good.

Second, the lines. I think the lines are seperated weird. I mean, it looks weird when lines have periods in the middle of them. Lines are kind of like the commas of poetry and stanzas are like paragraphs. I think you could seperate the lines with periods into two lines. That way you get the end of a sentence when you read it aloud and the dramatic pause when you do the whole...

"Go ahead,
Analyze me..."

...The way thungs are seperated can portay different meanings. When you right something down the synonyms and such can change the meaning and character of the passage because the reader has no ideas of your original intentions. Consider the following...

I don't love her...
I love you.'d think of this as a soft whisper caressing someone's ear. Correct? Now...

I don't love her. I love you.

...This could be shouting, whispering, talking, etc. The way it's seperated leaves little bump room to set the reader on track. I know this sounds like I'm rambling to fill the space, but it does would help to seperate this differently.

Peace out,
-Willow C.

niteowl says...

Hi Willow and thanks for the review! A lot of people have been confused by my line breaks. Go back and read the first letter of each line. And it's totally fine to have a sentence end midl-line depending on the effect you want. Thanks again! :)

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115 Reviews

Points: 9790
Reviews: 115

Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:12 pm
ChangeTheWorld wrote a review...

Heyo! Change here to review this glorious work of art!

X-rays through me to see the
Truth I hid away.

Analyze me, but you
Cannot decipher my essence
Through my broken parts.

These beith my favoriteith lines! But the whole thing is amazing, I'm sure you know that by now. You're analogies are great and the whole thing creates good emotion. The structure is perfect, the rhyming is fantastic, the meaning and subject are very powerful.

Truth I hid away. It’s not
Right for you to break me down. Go ahead,

I agree with Blackwood about changing where you break the line: after "right" instead of "not".

Nothing can save me anymore.

I felt the whole poem was really strong except the ending line. Usually those and the first line are supposed to be the strongest because you're capturing and then releasing the reader. So I always think of it as what the reader sees last and what kind of affect I might want to have on them. The ending line here is okay, but compared to the rest of the poem's boldness and strength, I think it could have more of an oomph.
That's all!

niteowl says...

Thanks for the review! Re-read the first letter of each line and you'll probably understand my line breaks better. You do have a point about that last line, though. Perhaps I could make it stronger. Thanks again! :)

Ohmygosh! That's really cool! And makes it ten times more genius!

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34 Reviews

Points: 1714
Reviews: 34

Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:07 pm
RedApril29th says...

I like this poem, the only problem I have with it is the way you chose to section it. The lines end abruptly and start oddly.

niteowl says...

Thanks for the review! It's an acrostic, hence the line breaks. I didn't say anything because I wanted to see if people would pick up on it, which no one has really. :)

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331 Reviews

Points: 10565
Reviews: 331

Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:49 am
Blackwood wrote a review...

Well this is a very effective way of portraying what you portrayed. I see a very technological medical world in your poem, with words with those connotations such as 'solutions' 'decipher' and 'analyze' make it seems very scientific, discovering and everything.

Embalm me in chemicals and shine

I like the fact that you used shine at the end of the line because it does not only lead onto xrays well but it also, when read with the line on itself creates an effect of plastic shininess that chemicals can be associated with.

Truth I hid away. It’s not

Right for you to break me down. Go ahead,

I strongly think that you should have the line break after right instead on after not. Not only will it add something extra to the latter line bu it will also help the flow and make it feel better poetically in general.
"Truth I hid away. It’s not right
for you to break me down. Go ahead"

The rest of the poem I really love. I am not very fond of your capitals though, because of how you have used the line breaks it sort of stops my eyes from reading it flowingly and as one line.

Nothing can save me anymore.

The rest of the poem really impressed me but this one ending line I feel failed to really leech into the meaning of the rest. Its verging on cliche and it doesn't really sum it up as well as it can. I also don't see the connection as definitely to the rest of the poem.
Good job.

niteowl says...

Thanks for the review. And about the line breaks...reread the first letters again...yeah, that's as close as I get to subtle. :P

Blackwood says...

OHHH How did I miss that XD

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806 Reviews

Points: 1883
Reviews: 806

Fri Aug 02, 2013 5:46 pm
Aley says...

EXTR... Taction extrtaction... -pokes peom-

niteowl says...

Yikes! I can't spell, apparently. I can def edit around that though, as it's a pretty weak line.

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594 Reviews

Points: 106
Reviews: 594

Thu Aug 01, 2013 3:01 am
fortis wrote a review...

Let me take this line by line.

Title: Extraction This title is very unique and reflects the poem well. It can be extraction in the physical sense, or the Extraction of a life. I looked up the word and thought it was really interesting that another meaning for extraction is "The ethnic origin of someone's family." That makes me think that it's like a family who's tearing this person apart, which is kind of true because we're all one human race. Even if the narrator isn't a human, or *quite* human, I think it's interesting to note that other definition.

"Embalm me in chemicals and shine" This is a great first line! It really draws the reader's attention and excites their curiosity.

"X-rays through me to see the" I think these lines would work better if you put a full phrase on each line*, not half from one and half from another. Of course this could be intentional, like you meant for the lines to be broken in half to symbolize the broken-ness of the narrator. I like the image of x-rays for some reason.

"Truth I hid away. It’s not" So they're looking for a secret... hm. Adds mystery! Mystery is always a good element in a darker piece like this.

"[It's not] Right for you to break me down" So we know that the narrator has ethics, while those that are dissecting him obviously, do not have much. This adds some more. Little bits and pieces of what this place is like in every line.

"To pieces like this. Go ahead," This line is worthless for reviewing because the main parts are in other lines. This line thing is a problem for reviewing line for line, but not really for reading. Although when you read it, it kind of sounds choppy in your head. If that's the effect you want to go for, (it would fit this poem) then you've achieved it.

"[Go ahead] Analyze me, but you" I like the defiance you pushed into these words, even if (it seems to me) these are some of the last thoughts the narrator will ever think. It gives strength to the poem.

"[But you] Cannot decipher my essence" More defiance! I like it! Like the narrator's final revenge! I like your word choice on "decipher my essence" because it makes it seem like the people dissecting the narrator really think of the him(or her) as only an amusing puzzle to solve.

"Through my broken parts." So *because* the narrator is broken (I'm assuming it was the scientist people who broke him) they can't get any meaning out of his body. That changes my thoughts about these scientist people from being careful examiners to people who merely rip some one apart with a kitchen knife.

"I am gone because you had to" so there is no going back. How sad. At least he's accepting. I wish you could put some more emotion in this poem though. I'd have a little bit of rage if I was in the position. But the cold acceptance and bitter defiance makes it a different type of mood. Very interesting, and unique. I like it. And I don't. I'm divided as a reader.

"Overwhelm me with solutions, and" oh so we're using solutions instead of a kitchen knife? okay I'm getting an image of some one on the VERGE of using a kitchen knife, but thinks that chemicals are niftier. I like the words "overwhelm" and "solution." They're both really descriptive and both give a great visual. With "overwhelm" I'm imagining the narrator just _immersed_ in all sorts of strange chemicals, with 25 IVs stuffed in his appendages and electrodes bedecking his head and torso, skin peeling off at the edges and his skull and brain haphazardly exposed. And "solutions" sound so evil-scientisty. A good effect.

"Nothing can save me anymore." This was the perfect last line. It gives the reader a sense of finality and it was nice and straight forward, as was most of this poem.

POEM ROUND UP!!! I really really liked this poem. It gave nice visuals and had good description. I told you that I wanted the lines to be nice and straight, and for there to be more emotion, but both of these could be a matter of preference and styling. I also wish this was a little longer so it could tell more of a story, but you effectively got your message though. In the end, I don't believe there's anything you HAVE to change. This was wonderful. Great job, you really have talent.

Keep writing!


*Here's an example of properly matching lines:

Embalm me in chemicals
and shine x-rays through me
to see the Truth I hid away.
It's not right for you to
Break me down to pieces like this.
Go ahead, analyze me,
but you cannot decipher my essence
through my broken parts.
I am gone because you had to
overwhelm me with solutions,
(and[you don't need that do you?])Nothing can save me anymore.

fortis says...

*reads the review below this*
*face palm*
I forgot about the figurative side of things.
Diddo what they said. :)

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12 Reviews

Points: 314
Reviews: 12

Thu Aug 01, 2013 2:35 am
SeptemberLove wrote a review...

I love it. Sometimes I feel like people are trying to put me down as something- a jock, a geek, a nerd, a musician, or a cynic, when really I'm just me. I think many people feel that way and you have perfectly captured what that does to someone. Over examining is an invasion of a person's knowledge of their own self and its not fair to the person being examined or the person doing the examining because they aren't spending their time the way they should be. Live your life as that- yours. Or it was just a beautiful peace about the recently deceased, either way- :) beautiful.

Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.
— Lemony Snicket