My Savior

I stand at my locker looking inside but not really seeing anything. I look over toward you every so often to check if you’re looking back. Only to be disappointed that you aren’t. It makes my heart hurt that you don’t love me the way you used to. It hurts that I can’t stop loving you like I always have.

You were my everything, and now I’m your nothing, and I can’t live with that.

________________________

“My name is Ashley Turner. I’m patient #24 and I’m in the hospital for the clinically insane. I tried to kill myself, I almost succeeded. But that boy stopped me. I get out tomorrow. I am now “stable” and ready to be released.”

I have to say that every morning to the nurse, so they can check off that I haven’t gone stupid. Even though she’s seen me every day at seven o’clock sharp every morning for six months and knows I’m not an idiot I still have to say it. Just because I tried to kill myself doesn’t mean I bang the sense out of my head till I’m stupid in my spare time.

She checks me off, and pats me on the back, “Smile Ashley, you leave tomorrow. That’s something to be excited about!”

“Yeah, totally. Even though everyone out there now knows I’m a loon and will probably think of me as a charity case. Yeah, exciting Martha.” I watch as the smile fades from her face. She excuses herself, like every morning after talking to me, to go to the wacky girl next door, who really does beat her head senseless.

Yes, to answer your question, I am that bitchy and rude. I’m sour as hell at everyone, especially that boy you saved my life that day, what was his name? Oh yeah, Trevor.

I know I should be grateful. He saved me from myself, but when you’re on a suicide mission you don’t have time for do-gooders. I reach the recreational room and sit on one of the couches to take my morning nap, but today I can’t sleep. I can only think of that day.

I close my locker and walk past Parker and his groups of friends. I see Dakota look over at me and point. They all laugh at me, I hear one of his friends say “She let herself go man, good for you for leaving her.” I feel the tears form under my eyes and I walk faster past.

I reach into my bag and pull out my depression pills. They were supposed to help, but they don’t at all. I head for the girls bathroom as quickly as possible. Without looking up, I run and SMACK! I ran into the neighborhood emo. I knock all of his books to the floor and I fall to the ground. My pills roll away from me and bump against his foot.

Before I could get to them, he bends down and grabs it. I stand up and snatch them from him. He looks at me and I know he knows what I’m thinking. I push past him to the bathroom right as the bell rings. I’m alone. Like I have been for months since Parker dumped me.

I go to the sink and look at my reflection in the mirror. All I see left is a beat up reflection of my former self. It’s no longer me. I can’t even bare to live with it anymore. I turn the faucet on and unscrew the top off of the bottle of pills. I pour a handful of them into my hand and pop them in my mouth at once. I put my head under the faucet and drink. Downing all the pills in my mouth.

I slide down the wall and cry. My vision is still blurry but I look over at the empty bottle and think “It’s all over”. I lie down and try to go to sleep; knowing the last thing I will see is this crappy high school bathroom.

Everything happens so fast, the door flies open, someone is holding me. I hear the bottle being thrown down, and cursing from a male voice. My head is resting on broad shoulders and I have a tingling of happiness.

“Parker?” I whisper up at the face I can’t see.

“Shhh…It’ll be over soon. Don’t fight me, okay Ash?” The male voice pleads with me. I nodded and then his fingers go down my throat, and then everything is gone.

I startle awake. I look around and find the clock. It’s eleven thirty. I must have fallen asleep. The rest of the day goes by like every other day has. And then I go to bed.

I’m awaken to Martha knocking on the door. “Today’s the day Ashley, are you ready?” She smiles at me and today I can’t help but smile back.

I change into my clothes my parents brought for me. The clothes I used to wear before the break up with Parker. It was my favorite pair of dark super skinny blue jeans with fashionable holes in the pants and a light pink tank top that has always flattered me. I pull my light brown hair into a pony tail and gather all of my things.

I’m escorted out by Martha to the front where my parents wait for me. Mom is crying, and my dad is tearing up too. The only thing my mom can say to me is “You look like you again.” and then we leave.

________________________

My parents held a Welcome Home party for me a week after I got home. Even though I told them where they could take their party and where they could shove it, they just smiled and called me their living angel. I decided to let them have their fun, and I would sit in the corner ignoring everyone.

The day of the party I dressed up. I liked wearing my normal clothes instead of the clothes the hospital gave me to wear every day. I wore a white skirt that brushed my mid thighs and a light blue short-sleeve shirt. I did my makeup and made myself look cute. I knew I had to keep myself together.

I walk downstairs and claim a seat in the back away from all the people. No one really comes over to talk to me. I just get stared at. I’m still the suicidal girl, who was saved and now released into the world again. It was like I had a disease. I didn’t mind though. I mean I get left alone. How bad could that really be?

I went into the kitchen so that I could eat all the chip and dip without being viewed. I pop open a coke cola and brought everything to the table. I pick up the magazine next to me and look at it. Vogue magazine was one of my favorite magazines to read. I propped my head on top of my knee and flipped through it while I ate.

I hear the kitchen door open, but I assumed it was my mom. I didn’t look up and continued to read and eat. I only wish I had looked up before I heard that voice. Only to be more prepared for the shock.

“Hi Ashley.” Trevor’s deep voice sent chills through my body; it felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on me and then set my butt on fire because I jump up so fast I almost fell over. “You look…nice.” He looks away from me, almost nervous of my reaction.

This gave me time to study him. His black hair swooped in front of his face and covered his eyes. I wanted to see those eyes. The ones that saw me when I needed the help he gave. He wore a red tee-shirt with a black skull on the front with dark jeans. He even paired it with dark red converses.

I ease my way back down into my chair and look up at him. He looks at the chair across from me and then away. I decided to speak, “You can…uh…sit, if you like.”

He smiles and takes a seat. “How are you? Better I hope?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. If you keep into account that I’m now a social pariah and everyone seems to think I’ve caught some sort of crazy disease. So don’t sit too close to me! You’ll get it too.” I laugh like it doesn’t bother me, but he looks at me like he did that day, and I know he knows. He knows what I’m thinking. He knows what I’m feeling.

“I’m not worried about any disease Ash.” He says in a hushed tone.

“You never visited. You saved me and you never came to see me.” I look away and mentally slap myself for saying that out loud.

But, yes, for six months I wondered why he never came. I wondered why he never came to answer my questions. I had so many.

“I did. They never let me see you. They said you weren’t stable enough.” He looked at me hurt, “I cared Ashley, I’ve always cared.”

“Oh, okay.” I look down and stare at my hands.

“He’s an idiot, you know? He’s not worth it, but you Ashley, are worth it.” He looks at me square in the face with beautiful green eyes, and places his hand over mine.

And I know he knows. I know he knows what I’m thinking. I know he knows me.