At exactly 6:45 Pm on a Friday afternoon, I saw the first drop of water cascading down the icicle next to my bed. Now I know what your thinking, why would a normal teenager have an icicle next to her bed? Well that's just it, i am not a normal teen. Excuse my rudeness, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Fiona Frost, daughter of Jack Frost, king of the North Pole.
As soon as I tell an Icelite (someone who is a citizen of the pole) this, they automatically ask me this question, how come your dad has to keep everything colder then it should be? The answer goes way back. Santa used to a couple of years ago but something very devastating happened and it costed him his life. You see Santa and my dad were best friends ever since they were kids. Then Santa grew to be the king of this place since he had the powers. But some things just happen at the wrong times. In our kingdom, we have elder giants who guard the fountain of strength. But one time a couple of years ago, one of them grew greedy and power hungry. He convinced a bunch of other elders that they could be more powerful and should rule this kingdom. But that would only lead to disaster. The giants drank a sip of the fountain (which is enough to destroy a mountain) and set off trying to get into the kingdom. Santa snuck into the cave and had prepared to use a spell. One thing he didnt know was that the spell would be so powerful that he would die. He performed the spell and all the giants froze in the cave. My dad arrived seconds too late and was there for Santas last words "here are my powers, rule this kingdom and make sure these giants don't melt, I love you brother." And then, he evaporated into a mist of frost, leaving a ball of energy which is meant for my father. My father took that energy and immediately had the powers of Santa himself. And that means I got his powers too since he is my dad. If only mom was here, then she would have gotten it to. And that's how Santa departed and my father and I got left with the powers of freezing objects, even time. My father only told me this once because he was too heartbroken to speak of it again but honestly, once was more than enough.
PART 2 IS COMING SOON SO STAY TUNED!!!
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi! I'm here to review your piece!
I realize it's short, but you honestly just wrote about Fiona waking up at 6:45. The next paragraph is all about memories, bla bla bla (<- Excuse me). It could've been longer.
I am a nitpicker sadly enough and grammar mistakes bug me. "I" should be capitalized.
My version: As soon as I tell an Icelite, a citizen of the North Pole (<- You don't have to do this), they automatically ask me, "How come King Jack (or Frost. King Frost works just fine as well) has to keep everything colder than (Again, I am a nitpicker, and using "then" instead of "than" was not grammatically correct.) it should be?"
I changed a few things, but I wouldn't call it a "fixed" version. It just might be improved in my opinion.
"Santa used to" what? That part doesn't make sense. I suggest explaining. You don't need an "ed" after "cost", and I also think this is a run-on sentence that you tried hiding.
Comma between "see" and "Santa".
I know this is only the beginning to you using "then" at every start of the sentence. Sorry, exaggeration there. "Grew" isn't the right word either. It just seems wrong. Yes, it's not anything like a "grammar" problem, but it could be a little... different you might say that it bothers me.
This isn't the only time you used "but" at the beginning of a sentence. Even though it is still valid to use, some people prefer the formal terms, and your text can get choppy if you use the conjunctions to start sentences.
Capitalize "fountain" and "strength"...
The second time you used "grew". Another reason why I don't like how you used "grew" in one of the other sentences.
Hmm, I think this is a bit overpowering. A sip? What about a whole cup of one? What about the entire fountain? Would it destroy the world? I'm just saying that it is way too much power.
"The" cave? Look, you haven't introduced us yet to "the" cave, so do you mind using an "a"?
...Santa CAN US SPELLS??
Okay, this is kind of cliché. Anyway, "didn't" needs an apostrophe.
This doesn't make sense either. Didn't Santa have all these great powers? Shouldn't that mean that he read the whole book of powers? It should mean that he knows how powerful the spell was, so he knew that it would take his life.
Santa's needs an apostrophe after the second a...
Comma after words, then capitalize "here". I also believe that there should be a comma after "you".
I think I just about covered everything. I actually enjoyed reading. Imagination and creativity deserves an 7/10! Good job.
Keep writing!
Thanks for all the advice but honestly, the part when you just called it bla bla bla was actually quite rude. Thankyou for the advice but you were a little harsh
But your very good at this so I would love you to mentor me sometime.
Sorry. I was rushing a bit. I believe it was late.
Just simply get used to these painful side affects 
Oh, and trust me. Reviews can almost discourage you so much that you feel like you don`t have talent.
BUT YOU DO.
Thankyou!
Hey there!
I've been in love with the idea of Jack Frost ever since watching at that kid's movie Rise of The Guardians. xD
I love your story idea!
This part 1 of your first chapter seems to be mostly made up of information, but it looks like it's building up to a really cool story. I like how you started off with the icicle melting, and then explained why this is so important by telling a background story. However, I am not a fan of using the parantheses (I think that's what these are called) in a story. Sometimes it benefits but it's risky because it can also take away the flow in your sentences, so usually it's better to just change up the structure so you can fit it in normally.
'As soon as I tell an Icelite (someone who is a citizen of the pole) this, they automatically ask me this question, how come your dad has to keep everything colder then it should be?'
- you could change this to 'The citizens of the pole, called Icelites, always ask me the same question when I tell them this; how come your dad has to keep everything colder than it should be?'
'You see Santa and my dad were best friends ever since they were kids' - comma after 'you see'.
'Then Santa grew to be the king of this place since he had the powers.' - just wondered what you meant by 'he had the powers'. What powers? And was there a king before that he inherited the place from? Your story, and therefore it's background, need to make complete sense and everything that happens should not be able to be questioned.
'He convinced a bunch of other elders that they could be more powerful and should rule this kingdom. But that would only lead to disaster.' - The second sentence seems to float off a bit by itself; I suggest taking out the period between the two, add a comma, and change the 'but' to 'even though'.
'The giants drank a sip of the fountain (which is enough to destroy a mountain) and set off trying to get into the kingdom' - you really don't need to parantheses, just change them to commas. Also, strong verbs are important when telling a story, and ' set off trying to get into the kingdom' could be changed to something like 'and began to wage war/ lay siege to the kingdom, searching for power.' I don't know, something like that
' One thing he didnt know was that the spell would be so powerful that he would die.' - I think you need a stronger connection between the power of the spell and his death, like '... would be so powerful it would kill him.'
'And then, he evaporated into a mist of frost, leaving a ball of energy which is meant for my father' - minor verb tense issue; supposed to be 'was' not 'is'.
Also, your paragraph telling the background story is huge. You could definitely split it up into smaller paragraphs, and maybe add more detail. It seems like the background story goes by very fast, but maybe we'll hear more about it in the other chapters.
Anyways, I really loved your story! Keep writing and let me know when the next part comes out
~ Sarra ~
Haha thanks your advice is really helpful! Ill use it in the next chapter
Hello Richelle! Cgirl here for a review!!!
First off you may want to read over your work and make sure it runs through smoothly. That's key in writing. Also I like how you write in the tone of Fiona's voice. That gives the reader an idea of her personality. However, try not to use parenthese. Maybe explain what an Icelite is in another sentence. You may want to get a mentor so that you can make your writing even better than what it was before.
This story is excellent however there are just a little bit of mistakes. Keep up the good work!
Happy writing,
Cgirl
Thankyou clo clo!