We’re here as prisoners in jail but more different, In jail if you’re a prisoner there are a lot of sentences they will give to you, but here, we are executed. Jalen sits beside me, I look in his eyes, they are brown and cold. But he is not afraid like I am, not nervous like I am and he is not even crying like I am. My cheeks are wet from tears and all I can hear are sobs but they are not mine.
I think of my sob as a whisper and it disappears. I stare at my hands-cold as ice and white as a sheet. And I look away, I look away from all of this darkness and stare at the corner of the ceiling. Instead of thinking of it as a ceiling I think of it as heaven and instead of spider webs I picture light. Light that will break through evil. Suddenly, warmth presses on my palm. And it seems like I’m going to explode but I realize that all I did was nothing. The only thing moving in me is my heart pounding so hard it looks like it’s going to pop out of my chest. But I take a deep breath in and out and squeeze Jalen’s hand. I lift my other hand and wipe the tears off my cheek reminding myself that I will survive this.
Now, all I want to do is stay with him but right now, I just want to look at him. When the time came. I turn my head to his direction and he is already looking at me, looking at every single cut on my face, arms and hands. A few brown hair is blocking my eyes and I let it block the sight of him. Suddenly, he opens his mouth to say something.
‘’Promise me’’ he says as he looks down ‘’that you’ll escape this place when they call my name’’ and then he looks in my eyes. His eyes are getting watery and I don’t want to see him like that, I don’t want the last sight of him to be this sad. I frown fighting off the tears. I can’t escape without him, I almost died in the war without him.
‘’You have to do it’’ he says ‘’I don’t want to let you suffer’’ he says convincingly. I was about to shake my head and tell him to go with me but he smiles a little and says: ‘’do this, for me’’. I smile too, just not enough to show my teeth like I used to. ‘’Okay’’ I nod. I look down fighting the tears that show up in my eyes, blurring my vision as I look up to Jalen. He’s smiling or frowning, I didn’t blink the tears away. But I don’t want to cry either, yet I know just a second tear will drop.
We have waited long enough that our becks are sore from sitting. Then someone opens the door, a guard. I close my eyes and hope and pray that Jalen and I could be safe and sound. Please, a begging voice whispers in my ear, I wish the guard would hear it too. He turns from the room to listen to the order a man says.
‘’Ugh’’ he says confused with his words ‘’Jalen Brown’’ my jaw drops at his words. There, a tear just drops, but I did all my best to hold it, but this pain is just so tragic, like it would rip my whole body if I keep this horrible emotion inside of me. Jalen stands, I hold his hand to stop him, he looks at me and smiles.
‘’What are you doing?’’ I ask, I might be too crazy or an idiot to ask it. His eyes tell that it’s going to be okay, but it’s not, it will never be. The guard pulls him against me and he trashes staring at me. I look down, I have to do something, but it’s hopeless because this room is empty. I trash in the guard and punch him in the back as hard as a girl can and stomp his feet with all my strength and anger combined. He lies on the floor burning with pain even though I only did a few punches, that surprises me, how can I be a strong girl, maybe there is strength within me. Jalen looks up at me as I hold his hand and we find the key from the guard who’s still groaning.
We open the door and freedom welcomes us, we let the others go and surprisingly, they thank us. I didn’t know people are still like that, they have their smiles on their faces and after a moment we join them scattering around finding friends and families to hold on forever. But I know I have Jalen beside me, we look at the the amazing view of the people we just freed from that awful cage. The door is locked now, from the outside. I’m sure they’re angry right now knowing that they didn’t succeed. People from all over the world speak the same thing but in different languages, yet I know one thing they are saying. Thank you and I love you, it’s beautiful how the tears on their cheeks glisten, how their sobs bring music back to me. Maybe because I know that they are happy.
I learned a lesson today, lots of it, but I know that I’ll never forget this day of freedom, we’ll be remembered, everyday I will remember this.
"Ready to go home?" Jalen asks but I'm still watching the people.
"Absolutely" I say and we hold each others hand as long as we need to.
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hi there!
I'm here to review your story
I agree with Lauramydear- it was very good but a few sentences were confusing.
<quote> In jail if you’re a prisoner there are a lot of sentences they will give to you, but here, we are executed. </quote>
For example, I think this sentence is confusing. It could be re-written another way, such as "As a prisoner, there are lots of different sentences they can give you, but at this prison, everyone gets the death sentence."
I was not sure if your characters were in love or siblings. I assumed they were In love, but based on how he was protecting her, he could have also been her older brother.
<quote> We have waited long enough that our becks are sore from sitting. </quote>
I think you meant to say backs.
I really enjoyed the story, but I have a few questions- were they captured in the war? What was the significance of the war?
I really liked the sentance about finding their friends and family and holding on to them. that sentence was very powerful.
I hope I did not offend you! Thank you for your story, it was very interesting.
Hey there!
I'm here to review your piece.
I have to say that this was good, and I enjoyed it. It did confuse me at some parts and intrigued me in others.
So this girl and this boy, I am guessing are in love. What is this war? You never really talked about it, you just told us that there was one. And what was this place? Why was it so easy to escape, why were they there?
I have many questions, and in short stories you shouldn't really be left with any questions. Just because it's a short story.
The ending was abrupt and I wished you had made this a little longer. You really took the word short story to heart. This could have been made longer and it would have made it better than it already is.
I really did like this story and I like how it was written. Keep it up!
Thank you!
-Laura
Hey, I'm Kev! Welcome to YWS and congrats on publishing your first piece!
Let me start off by saying I loved the idea you had going for this: looming death with seemingly no way to escape is a great way to make something suspenseful. I always find myself reading stories like this because it's such an attention grabber and keeps me at the edge of my seat. And by adding some romance, you have a good plot for this story! I connected with the narrator and I really felt the love she and Jalen felt for each other. (And I love the name Jalen, by the way.)
There are some writing mistakes, which isn't a biggie because those are easily fixed
1.) 'We’re here as prisoners in jail but more different, In jail if you’re a prisoner...'
Your first sentence needs to be revised slightly. Try some different wording and you'll get it. Also, you need a period after different (a little typo that's no problem).
2.) 'Jalen sits beside me, I look in his eyes, they are brown and cold.'
Here, you either need a semicolon(;) between me and I or you can say Jalen sits beside me, and I look in his eyes, which are brown and cold.
3.) '‘’You have to do it’’ he says ‘’I don’t want to let you suffer’’ he says convincingly. I was about to shake my head and tell him to go with me but he smiles a little and says: ‘’do this, for me’’. I smile too, just not enough to show my teeth like I used to. ‘’Okay’’ I nod. I look down fighting the tears that show up in my eyes, blurring my vision as I look up to Jalen. He’s smiling or frowning, I didn’t blink the tears away. But I don’t want to cry either, yet I know just a second tear will drop.
You need to start a new paragraph with the narrator speaks. There are some typos in here as well, so I'll touch up on this real quick. First, you can combine the two sentences that Jalen speaks like this: "You have to do it. I don't want to let you suffer," he says convincingly. Second, revise the third sentence he speaks as so: "Do this. For me." You can also replace the period with a semicolon. Thirdly, this sentence needs to be revised to make what you're trying to convey more clear: 'He's smiling or frowning, I didn't blink the tears away.' Again, either a conjunction, period, or semicolon should be in place of the comma. It's a mistake that I see occurring through your fantastic piece quite a bit, but it's okay because they're only quick fixes! Also, you switched to past-tense by using the word didn't.
I won't pester you with anymore nitpicking on small typos. Everyone makes them.
4.) When the narrator attacks the guard, it seems a tad bit rushed. I was left wondering why there was only one guard. Revising that scene to make it clearer would really make it perfect, especially since I love the way you described their freedom and joy. 'People from all over the world speak the same thing but in different languages, yet I know one thing they are saying. Thank you and I love you...' These sentences were just spectacular!
All in all, you have a great story here and I would love to read more from you! Keep up the great work <3