They say you never know where you're going until you know where you've been.
I don't think I want to know where I'm going because where I've been isn't what I want to determine my future. Unfortunately for me, where I've been is what I consider as hell. Why? Because every day of my life so far has been full of complete and utter pain and misery that I have had no way of escaping.
I feel like every time I try to escape my past it just comes running back to me when I'm alone at night with only my thoughts and painful memories to keep me company. No matter what I do to try and escape my past, it's always there, haunting me in all its aching glory.
It follows me in my shadow in the day, slowly dragging me down into the depths of pain and anguish, while it appears as a phantom menace at night, inflicting all of the pain that I've felt for so long, over and over again on my mind.
It causes me so much pain that I've almost become numb to it, making me forget any other feelings and emotions exist. I've experienced it so much in life that everywhere I go, I expect it to just jump out at me and consume me once again. Sometimes I even begin to crave pain's ghostly touch. It's destroyed me both inside and out, to the point where I only feel pain. Without it, I would feel nothing at all, but I'd rather feel pain than not feel anything.
Although, I can no longer feel the strong beat of my despairing heart, or the smooth flow of my scorching blood running through my veins. I no longer feel the need to breathe, but for some reason I do. I force myself to take breath after breath because my animal instincts will me to survive because, like all animals; I fight for survival, for the right to live.
But in my mind, it's like I don't deserve to live, to be happy, and to be free. My mind has convinced itself that I shouldn't have the right to live and that is why I have been tortured endlessly, receiving excruciating pain both mentally and physically.
It's strange, you go through so much pain and torment, and yet, lingering in the back of your mind, like a dying flame, is probably the worst emotion you could ever experience. Hope.
It hurts you so much more than pain because it is so often false, consuming you in mere seconds, making you think you have even a shred of a chance to escape everything. It engulfs your heart and mind, burning them to the core as it courses through your veins like a virus. Then in a short moment, it brings all of the haunting torment crashing back down on you, almost crushing you as it does.
No matter how much I wish it wasn't me going through all of this, or how much I wish I didn't know what I'm talking about, it is me going through all of this, and I do know what I'm talking about because this is my life and it's one that no one should ever experience.
And if by going through all of this I prevent it from happening to someone else, then I would gladly take their place. Even though it only leads me to more pain and regret. It's like they're my best friends, because everything I do everywhere I go, it leads to them. It's a never ending cycle.
My name is Clara Lee Walker and this is my story.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there Des0late! Here to review your prologue and this amazingly fine review day! I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both you and me.
Here goes!
I love that you've used a well known saying to open your prologue. It's something that your reader can immediately relate to. Cleverly done!
“haunting me in all its aching glory.” - I love this description. Nice!
One thing that I did notice was the repetitive use of the word 'pain'. I understand that you're are trying to get a point cross but maybe you could use a variety of words to explain. That way, you'll keep the readers interest for longer.
I agree with Noelle (once again) where she mentions the preconceived ideas that come with werewolves. Remember to keep it fresh and original so that we don't feel as though we are just reading another Twilight type book. Its hard, I know!
I also agree with LouisCypher to an extent. I love a prologue. I think they're totally worth it & drag the readers into the story immediately. However, I do think you need to keep them precise as possible so that they do serve a purpose.
Give us an inch and we'll take a mile! We just need the bare bones and our imaginations will do the rest - I promise
I really love the name you've chosen, however. Its quirky!
Good luck! I look forward to reading more soon.
Olive <3
Firstly, thanks for taking the time to review my work
I tend to repeat words if I can't think of a replacement but I'm working on it, hopefully it will be much better once I go back over it.
As for the werewolf idea, I was thinking about changing it to a different supernatural/fantasy story line, hopefully one that no one has ever seen before, though I may include werewolves in it some where.
I'm planning on adding more the the prologue to give a better insight on who/what the story is about so that the readers have more to go on. I want to keep it precise and detailed, but not too much so I'm going to do some major editing to get to where I want
Thanks again for the review! It helps a lot
Hey there!
I feel like prologues where the author goes in depth on a topic and ends with 'my name is x and this is my story' are kind of redundant. You just spent an inordinate amount of words to tell us your character is in pain. You could have made it evident in just a few lines in the main chapter. Thus, I personally feel the above prologue is quite useless. However, you chose to have it, therefore there must be a reason for it -- I hope.
This isn't a bad description of pain, I'd say. It's a bit over the top, though. There's really not a lot you can say about pain without delving into what could be taken for purple prose.
Despairing heart? Would you define your heart as despairing? Would you walk up to any random stranger and talk to them about your despairing heart? I wouldn't think so. She's addressing the reader directly, though she doesn't know who the reader is. It takes a lot to confide into a complete stranger. I mean it is a literary escamotage, but I feel perhaps you could have done this a lot more subtly. It's hard, yeah, as you've picked first person -- and what is first person good for, if not for conveying emotions quickly and easily? It seems Clara has quite a lot of angst to tell us about, so I suppose first person would do it well.
Still, I stand by what I say: in a possible finished draft, I'd advise to get rid of this entirely. True, you've used very powerful words here, but now that you've told us this, well, that's kind of all we need to know in an intro. How do I make it clear... it's like giving a surly dog a cooked, juicy boar. It'll eat it all, and then go throw up in a corner. And demand more. Instead if you feed the dog one morsel at a time, periodically, it will be obedient. Follow you around, be docile, in hopes of more juicy boar pieces. Readers are dogs. Give them little morsels, a bit at a time, and they will be hooked, avidly tearing through page upon page to get to another morsel. See what I mean? Dose the flow of information. First we need to care about the character. Only then we will be able to fully appreciate the pain she's in.
Hope I could help
~Ita
Hi there!
I told myself that I wasn't going to comment on the whole werewolf thing, but I just can't help it. Twilight completely ruined werewolves for me. And I haven't even read the books or watched the movies! But then I read the Mortal Instruments series and my faith in werewolf kind was restored. My point is, fictional creatures, such as werewolves and vampires and fairies, are hard to write about. That's because there is already a preconceived notion of how these creatures are supposed to act. With that being said, I hope that your characters will be very original and wonderful and I enjoy reading about them. And I'm sure that'll all be true. I have faith in you!
Right. First off, I think this is a lovely length for a prologue. Sometimes it's tricky to write one because it's hard to find the balance between too short and too long as well as the balance of too much information and not enough. But you seem to have done a good job with this. I think it's the perfect length and it leaves me with enough questions that I want to read on and see what happens next.
Secondly, your character is very interesting. I know that we only know her thoughts, but that's what makes her so intriguing. We really get inside her head and relate to her own a personal level, which is really cool this early in a novel. I really hope you keep up the good work and keep finding new ways to develop your character.
Here's a few specified comments I have:
Personally, I think that the word 'pain' is mentioned too many times in this paragraph. I noticed it as I was reading and it seemed a bit repetitive. It was like every other word I read was 'pain'. Of chose, you only used the word four times, but in a paragraph with 88 words (yes, I really did count them all) that's a lot. And readers do teams to get annoyed with repetition.
me to survive because, like all animals; I fight for survival, for the right to live.[/quote]
I just wanted to point this out because you forgot a word in the sentence here. Also, where there is a semicolon there should be a coma. Actually, now that I go back and read it again, I think this would work best as two sentences. I don't think it's exactly a run-on sentence, but 'because' is in there twice which means two different things are being explained. Each thing being explained should really get its own sentence.
I absolutely love this paragraph. No lie. I think the words you chose to use work perfectly worth the idea you're trying to get across. I especially like the whole idea of this glimmer of hope amongst all the pain. It really gives your character some depth rather than just having her BCE this "savage beast" who is bitter because the only thing she feels is pain. Very nice.
Overall this is a great start. I really can't wait to see where this story goes. Please let me know when you post the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Des0late!
Before we review stuff; Welcome to YWS! Hope you enjoy your time here and I don't totally wreak havoc all over this work as your first reviewer.
Don't worry, I wont. As far as prologues like these go, this one is solid.
I'm personally a little tired of werewolves (and vampires for that matter). I'm just waiting for someone to write a piece on an intellectual Bigfoot who goes into the world trying to become a superhero.
Anywho, on to your writing:
Your writing style is impeccable, you portray vivid imagery and create a believable tortured and conflicted mind. Even though a lot of what you write is repetition, all this imagery and thoughts is wonderful.
However, there is one thing I would require to see in a prologue: What is going on?
As I said, you are creating good character setup and build-up, but I need to know whats going on. In the summary you say its a werewolf story, but there are no mention of it or pointers in the story itself.
You mention your animal instinct, but that's about it. Up until that point, I would think this was just a person with a dark background. And even with that paragraph, it tells us nothing of what going on. The purpose of a prologue is to set up the main story, and should rarely directly involve the main protagonist. This is for full length stories of course, but you tagged this as a novel.
Lastly, I will quickly go over what grammatical errors I found:
edit
First off, humans are of course warm blooded. As for werewolves, I'm no expert, but I would say they are warm blooded as well.
This is a great place for a semicolon:
like all animals; I fight for survival, for the right to live.
edit
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this paragraph. I only bring it up because this is your absolute best sentence. It's perfect.
Forgot a space.
Clara Lee Walker. Good name.
This is an interesting prologue with a lot of fine writing. It definately has me interested in what this character is going to do and what her story is. Let me know when your first chapter is out.
Cheers
Birkhoff
First off, thanks for the welcome
I am slightly tired of them too but this idea came to me and I thought it would be a shame if I just dismissed it so I decided to try it out.
Thanks for mentioning all of the mistakes and things I could add as well, it helps a lot.
I see where you're coming from with the repetition, I've only just spotted it as well as the mistakes by re-reading it a moment ago. I just thought I'd write this as the prologue to show the protagonist's view of her life, I've explained it in a bit more detail in the first chapter, which will be up after I finish editing this one
Thanks again for the review, it's definitely the best I could ask for and I hope not the last c: