Young Writers Society

Hello there Infinity here to review.

Well first off this is a good poem and has great potential however, it's lacking a lot and can be improved a whole lot, especially concerning your punctuation, grammar and flow.

I also found myself getting confused about what you're actually trying to say throughout the poem is it about fire or ice?

Firstly,

"As fire turns to ice
As waves come crashing down
Below this broken land
A land so broken that
That it has a hole"

Here you need to add a comma after the word ice.
No need for you to add another "As" to your second line, starting it with waves come.... is fine and don't add a capital letter if it's in the same sentence as what you previously said it ruins the rhythm because it's an unnecessary new sentence, you do this throughout your poem and punctuation and grammar wise it's incorrect and makes things confusing.

I'd also like if you expanded on the broken land and what that hole has, you could create interesting imagery with this.

Here,

"The bigger the hole gets
The longer the ice takes to melt
If the ice shall melt
Then the fire will burn bright
The brighter it burns
The faster the fire burns"

Everything in this part is kind of.. self explanatory, we know a bigger hole will cause a longer time for ice to melt, and if a fire burns brighter, it will burn faster. You need imagery in this part and maybe create an emotional connection to the fire and ice?


"And then the snow begins to take its turn
But with it grows a lovely fern"

I feel like the rhyming here is awkward and forced, its a bit distant to the rest of your poem, perhaps a change of wording or a different type of ending?


Overall this has a lot of potential just look over it a bit, keep writing!

-Infinity x

Hiya Bre :} Here to review as requested

I'll start off by saying poetry reviews aren't really my strong point, so sorry if this review turns out a bit useless, but I'll try my best to prevent that . I'll start off with what I liked, and I guess it's the whole concept of it really. Although I was unsure of the subject of the poem, I like the repetition of it, and it actually really worked for this poem. You're beginning to create some good imagery here which is good too.

As for critiques, I'll start off with the punctuation. Well, there is none which makes this whole thing very hard to read, because I don't know where the pauses are. It's important to have pauses in poetry to keep the pace and the flow solid. Now, not to fear, putting punctuation in poetry isn't actually that hard, probably less hard than in prose. There are different things you could put in place here, what you've done here is left nothing at the end of you lines, but this doesn't always mean a pause. Instead, you could add in a comma, full stop, semi-colon, or dash. If you want more info on this click here, for a more in depth tutorial of using punctuation in poems.

Secondly, I'm going to pick out one specific thing.

A land so broken that

That it has a hole

I liked how you started it off, it got me interested and caught my attention immediately. I like how you used repetition, it helped to keep the flow of the poem going. I didn't really get what you were leading on to though, what are you trying to say with it? I don't really like the rhyming at the end of the poem though, it was nice but the rest of the poem didn't rhyme so the rhyming at the end didn't really sit well with the rest of it. Overall I think it was very good, but if you worked on it then it could be better.

Hey there. So I feel its best if I great straight to the point.

What I liked:

1. Repeatition. The way you used repeatition here was done well and I think had the desired effect. Great job.

What I didn't like:

1. The idea. It doesn't seem concrete. I can't really understand what you are trying to get at. To me it reads as a bunch of lines with no strong connection between them.

2. The punctuation. For example "Below this broken land" needs a period. It won't disrupt the flow you have going, in fact without it I feel the poem doesn't make much sense. Take another look and see where you find natural pauses, don't just put punctuation in willy nilly, but please put some in.

3. The rhyme at the end. While great natural rhyme, it doesn't make sense, or connect with the poem really.

Overall:
This needs work. It is a great start and I think you had an idea here. I hope this helped. Keep writing!!