Young Writers Society

The very first paragraph is really good. I don't think that it was necessary to put Soske's name in their. Sometimes it's better to wait, but it isn't a huge deal to me. The description of the story makes it seem quite interesting; almost mysterious. Now, I'm not sure why you have both characters laugh 2 or 3 times, but once again, not that big of a deal. I'll be happy to read the rest.
Keep it up!

Hi! So I liked this piece, but there are some nitpicks that need to be addressed.

First,

""The"

I'm sure that just a typo, I do that all the time also.

"his single set of his footsteps shattered the calm silence."

you used 'his' twice, "his single set" and "set of his". Pick one, because having two is just two confusing.

"Brisk as it was, the air attacked Soske’s throat as it combated the remnants of the coffee he had purchased from an opening bakery a few streets before."

Ok, there are two things wrong with this sentience. One,

"Brisk as it was, the"

This part doesn't sound right. This may just be me, but it sounds wrong. I'd change it to something along the lines of

"Because of how brisk it was, the air attacked Soske’s throat..."

The second thing wrong is this:

"it combated the remnants of the coffee"

It "combined with the remnants of coffee" is what it should be.

“Cold as well,” As she sniffled."

You need to add 'she said' between 'cold as well' and 'as she sniffed'.

"“It’s fairly warm compared to a few hours ago.” Soske laughed,"

The period needs to be replaced by a comma.

" Soske grinned and waved back, “Thanks again.”"

Last thing, you need to get rid of the extra spaces.

Good story, I'd be willing to read more!
~SB~

First of all, let me say that I did like this and that I hope that you continue it.

That being said, I must say that this seems a little, well, mediocre. It's good, but not that good. It's just another novel in the large group that ends up on this website.

You have a good beginning, and I think that if you worked a little harder on it you could make it great. I'm not saying that you didn't work hard and that this isn't good, because it is, and I think that you did work hard. But with a little more work it could become great.

"The morning mist clogged the winding street and curled off doorways, but somehow did nothing to damper the irresistible satisfaction that hung about. Bouncing off of the high walls, his single set of his footsteps shattered the calm silence. Brisk as it was, the air attacked Soske’s throat as it combated the remnants of the coffee he had purchased from an opening bakery a few streets before."

This is a epic beginning, as @Aquila90 says, it doesn't continue that epicness. It seems like you take the start a SciFy novel and use it for a regular work of fiction. Your writing is amazing, but it seems a little choppy and not exactly in tune. Either turn up the rest of the work, or turn down the beginning.

"A few steps into a side street that wound down into what he hoped was the morning market, a young woman slid back a door and stepped out on a balcony opposite his side of the street. She was wearing a morning dress with a thick shawl wrapped tightly about her."

I like this section, but I would split it up a little differently. This is just a suggestion, and you don't have to use it, but if I was the one writing this I would have said something like:

"A young women wearing a morning dress and a thick shawl stepped out into a balcony opposite his side of the street, near a path that he hope lead down to the morning market."

I admit, that wasn't my best, but it was all not very descriptive and left very little to go on. Maybe add some more content to this section.

The rest of the paragraphs are good, but nothing compared to the first section. As I said, either turn them up or turn him down. And nothing else really should be changed, except add more descriptive content to give your readers a clearer picture of what is happening in the story.

I hoped my ramblings helped you in some way, but if they didn't then I apologize.

Happy Writing!
HT

Ps, please notify me if and when you update this!

Hi Peter!

Here's my review

Generally I feel something is wrong when you wrote the first paragraph. It started so mysteriously, like an image I think from either Silent Hill or The walking Dead (I have a crazy imagination), then you went on to describe some 'irresistible satisfaction' which I did not know exactly. Are you describing the atmosphere? The fragrance in the air? The people around?

The first paragraph is sounds epic, but it is too epic for your MC to simply be holding coffee and exiting a bakery. You make something normal sound exaggerated; this can become jargon.

What happens next is a little vague and hard to imagine.

"A few steps into a side street that wound down into what he hoped was the morning market, a young woman slid back a door and stepped out on a balcony opposite his side of the street."

It seems like you are trying to force fit the entire thing into one complete sentence. Not only is it vague, but it is hard to imagine. The woman was on higher ground I presume? Soske was near the woman? Far? Was there really a morning market? Or more mist in the winding road?

You can probably take the POV of Soske that will make the story a lot more interesting. Describe what he sees, what he feels and what he desires at that point in time. I have a lot of unanswered questions like the coffee, bakery and his mood.

Now on to the conversation:

I am assuming the girl knows Soske, or that the latter is extremely handsome for her to strike up a warm conversation in the 'calm silence' and in 'air that attacked' throats. It sounds awkward that someone looks out from her balcony, in the early morning and says hello. Now I would not be surprised ito hear that if the place is REALLY friendly, slow-paced and situated in the countryside. But I will find it weird if a girl said 'hello' to me on a cold, silent early morning that can almost give me the colds. LOL

Now on to more of little descriptions of the surroundings:

You wrote: 'duffel bag from his shoulder to the damp sidewalk.' Maybe it's me but I keep getting this image of a rundown, archaic village that is rather desolated. A 'damp' sidewalk coupled with the girl's sniffling and the 'attacking air' sounds like an abandoned place. Now you should question yourself if this is the image you want me to conjure?


So now I'm done with the general feedback, here's some technical errors you made:

1. Remove the open inverted comma at the very beginning. You are not quoting or having someone talk.

2. 'single set of his footsteps' - Remove 'his.'

3. 'looked slightly up.' - Rephrase to : Looked up slightly.

4. "Hey, could you tell where the market is?" - 'tell me where the market is.'

5. 'Leaning down to pick his bag.' - Change to : 'He leaned down to pic up his bag.'


Do take the time to think through your work and of course never stop writing. It is through constant changes, feedback and exchanging of opinions that your stories will improve

Drop me a PM if you have anything to mention!

this story is very beautiful, but I think Exist Conflict or Imbalance Between Events and Describing the scene in this novel. I Recommend to you decrease this describing. appreciate you for Worthy Writing.