Young Writers Society

Hey Aquilla, Black here for a quick Review Day Review!

Okay, so first off, I'm insanely impressed: However I'm not sure if it's in the area where you want it to be. If you want encouragement from me to continue with your story here then I'd need more to really judge, but from what I see here . . . I'll just live with saying 'watch for cliches'.

What I liked about this piece wasn't really the character's themselves, but how you described them. Your wording and style is just amazing; poetic almost. It's beautiful, and really SHOWS who and what the character's are WITHOUT just feeding the reader the information you obviously have stored up for them.

The musicality of his stride was in the rhythm of a calm gospel song; the firm innocence of a psalm. Isaac felt like he was staring eyeball to eyeball into the face of a lion, one that was providing an overwhelming sense of a fortified citadel.

Raine’s natural deep voice gave a sensation of the fresh waterfalls. Her long white hair went all the way past her waist yet somehow they held together without any fuzz or stray bands. It almost gave her an aura of white brilliance, yet it felt mysteriously electrifying when she shook Isaac's hand.



THAT IS POETRY! That is just perfect: AMAZING . . . but there is one problem with it. Though it does really help describe the character's, and is very nicely written, it isn't really appropriate for this. If you were writing some kind of extremely extended poem about the story, then this would make it a winner in an instant, but as is . . . not so. You're writing a book, a story. Your readers want emotion, and if they're willing to take time to read the book, then they'll get it from your style. However no reader wants to take five minutes a paragraph. You need to dumb things down a bit. Instead of being all drawn out and poetic in describing your characters, SHOW what they look like through the eyes of your POV character (and avoid switching POV's as you do so). SHOW what they look like, what kind of an aura they give off -all that- but be sure to be precise and quick about it. Spread it out, but keep it fairly cohesive. Make it so that when your reader puts him/ her self in the POV character's shoes . . . they really see what's there.

Another thing, beware of your poetry, it's easy to get carried away when writing like that and forget what you're doing -and stop making sense. But good work with it, even if you shouldn't have used it at all.

Okay, another thing: It really helps to show your character's in true action, not as they're being introduced to your MC. If you want to introduce them then you should really just put them in a situation that shows who and what they are. As they always say: Show, don't tell. I think it would help you out a lot if you just tried it.

Okay, so here's for a few more basic grammar/ opinionated not-like things I'd like to deal with. I'll just be quoting some things of yours, trying to fix them, and then attempting to generalize for you!

He stepped out of the office, noticing Regina talking to another man. “Isaac, this is Sage Lionheart, your fighting instructor.”



Okay, if you must start this way then tell us who's actually talking. Another thing: Try to start your teaser (if you must start it like this) a bit more smoothly. Not quite so jerky. Otherwise it feels like a bad patch of road . . . not a teaser.

Within a second, Sage had spontaneously extended a hand of greeting. His aura was so strong, Isaac felt compelled to raise his arm in compliance.



I figure I'll learn about the whole 'aura' thing later, so the fact I don't understand you there isn't important. Okay, so if you're going to do something spontaneously it usually means 'instantly' . . . you're saying the some thing twice (Withing a second - spontaneously) about the same action. Messy. Only use one -OR DIE! But good reaction, it seems to go with him.

Regina peered at Isaac from the cutting edge of her eyes, yet they were showing signs of fatigue. Her hands clasped at the front of her waist.



It can really help if you try keeping your stories in one persons POV. It helps a LOT! It helps your readers attach themselves to a character, and it opens up the whole wide world of monologue (thoughts). I advise you to try to keep things in Isaac's POV, and use your monologue a lot. If you say something that only the person that the said thing was said about could know, then that person becomes POV character (unless you're being god-writer, which works, but which I don't like).

“Here’s Sage,” she firmly squeezed his shoulder, “you HAVE to remember him.” She teased. Sage greeted with a wave of his finger while sipping some coffee by the table.



Okay, small thing: If you can use italics or bold, then use them . . . don't capitalize like that. I only capitalize because I can't emphasize easily with bold or italics. But you can if you have anything better than notepad. So why don't you DO it. It helps a lot for your reader's and opens up more options for you. And hasn't Sage already been introduced? And wasn't she a he . . . the first time. . . .

Okay, I'm going to finalize here by saying YES! Keep writing here! You have an original idea (I think) and that's enough for me. You have a really promising style, though it could use some touching up. Remember: KEEP WRITING!

P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review then PM me! Also, if you wanna be really nice then PM me what you thought of this review (and rate it on a scale of one to twenty). I'll love you for it! Thanks!


~Black~

Hello, I have decided to review this so I'll start with some specifics first and then aim to give a few overall comments at the end!

Specifics

1.

He stepped out of the office, noticing noting [This flows more smoothly here as it's more direct and less passive. Noticing sounds awkward.] Regina talking to another man. “Isaac, this is Sage Lionheart, your fighting instructor.”

Within a second, Sage had spontaneously extended a hand of greeting.

“Boy Gail really scared the hell out of you.” He joked, knowing that such a level of respect deserves notice.

He had to disappoint her, yet he could not help but feel the overwhelming familiarity.

A character teaser? Not what I would have thought of as a character teaser. Maybe a first impressions teaser.

I'm going to divide this review up into two parts. The first is character building, given that you seem interested in working on your characters. The second is more general story construction given that I think you need to hear what I have to say on this.

Regarding characters, I find neither Sage nor Raine even remotely compelling. The reason for this is that while these two characters might represent your fantasies, they have been written a million times before. After barely reading anything from you, I am already painting your story as an Eragonesque cliche. Sage is a Mary Sue version of Brom, and Raine? well, she's very clearly Arya. But Sage is also a thousand other people from generic fiction: He is Obiwan Kenobi, and Aragorn, and a thousand characters from a thousand worlds. And Raine? Raine is your fantasy, your dream, a goddess, an enigma, your heart splashed onto the page. She is what we call Mary Sue, the perfect heroine. And she appears in lots and lots of amateur fiction, written by men and women alike.

So, how do you make your characters appealing and real? Very simple: You make them weird. They must be like the weird people you meet sometimes on the corner. They must be people who are so strange they are able to take your story into unique places. Often people with nothing to lose are the best kind of character, because they will do just about anything under the right kind of pressure.

If you want your characters to be good, you first need to make sure you are not a slave to your fantasies.

Moving onto the second thing I want to talk about:

Your prose is completely obtrusive. It is purpler than the ripest grapes in the vast expanse of a heavenly vineyard. Your job is to make your story slick, and flow from phase to phase. That means that any word which looks out of place is an obstacle. When you spend a whole lot of time describing stuff that is not necessary in words and sentences that are over the top, you place a horrid burden on your prose.

Every author like you should read Invisible Writing by William G Tapply: http://www.williamgtapply.com/iw.html

Your goal is to take your reader on a journey. All the rest of that stuff is simply fluff, and you should shy away from it as much as possible.

Good luck!
Yoda

Review coming.

I love how you introduced your characters! They both sound like fantastic, well structured people and I want to learn even more about them and their lives. Th imagery in this was fantastic, it really helped to show the reader what the person looks. The only thing I would have to say is that some times the imagery was a tad bit excessive when describing them. For instance, this is your description of Raine: "Raine’s natural deep voice gave a sensation of the fresh waterfalls. Her long white hair went all the way past her waist yet somehow they held together without any fuzz or stray bands. It almost gave her an aura of white brilliance, yet it felt mysteriously electrifying when she shook Isaac's hand." "Contrasted to her white mane was her tanned skin; it bore the colour of the dark, mother earth that nurtured the living. Yet it was gleaming like the deep brown ceramics that decorated parts of the training center, each carrying a plant within." "She could very well be an Egyptian goddess." If you blended the sentences together into one paragraph instead of two different paragraphs broken apart by dialogue and action it might help. Also, cut back on some of the imagery on her skin, give us light flavors of what she looks like so we can fill in some details for ourselves. I like your characters and I think this story can go far! Just keep writing!

From reading this Sage sounds like a pretty cool character, he reminds me of a lion! Reading this gave me a great idea for developing my characters further :]