Young Writers Society

Holy f*ck, that was creepy. I've tried writing things like this before and could never really do it right, but you got it spot on. The description of her life was short, and has to be figured out with mostly guesswork by the readers, but I think that's good in a poem setting. It adds to the aura of strangeness and despair. The mention of the lake cast a nice picture, and also made it a little bit more sad since the place she feels safe must not be enough for her anymore. She can't go anymore, it doesn't exist, whatever. You don't need to say why. Another thing to guess, which leads me to thinking about it more. (which is always good) Excellent piece of writing.

(Also, a random note. I like the word 'jitter'. That is all.)

~LJM368

(I'm new at reviews so please bear with me)

This piece made quite an impression on me! I could really feel the girl's acceptance of her end...no fear, more a sense of relief. The descriptions were great; 'my black chipped nails' and 'their pretty pink lives'. It was enough for me to speculate her story; possibly a victim of bullying or simply an outsider...and her mention of 'causing other's pain' is enough to indicate her battered view of self-worth.

The mention of the lake was subtle, though it had me think of a quiet place - giving me the impression she's most comfortable alone. It makes me wonder, has she always been a loner, or did the torment drive her to feel safety in solitude? What drew her to choose this place for her act? (this had me thinking deep).

It was a chilling and captivating read. By the end, I had goose-bumps! I'm keen to read more of your future work

With the title 'A Suicidal Girl' you can guess what the poem entails. It's quite vivid, the description is focused on the blood and the red. I think that is perfect for this type of story, there is nothing else in her life and that is why she has done this, that is why she talks only about what she feels and that is this blood trickling down her arm. That's how I see it anyway, it may fall slightly into the cliche area but that's fine.

"Life has no meaning.

I have no meaning.

I feel no happiness.

I feel no pain.

Am I soulless?

Am I dead?"

I really liked this part, because of the structure. Most people forget about how the poem actually looks to a reader and it comes through strongly here, the way the lines get shorter and shorter as she speaks. Almost as if she is getting light headed and dizzy, the loss of blood effecting her.

I like the end a lot, there isn't a final explanation which is always the best. I do feel that it doesn't need the "I am dying..." line, if it ended with "I am falling." I think it leaves it even more open and the reader understands what that means, the dying part is a given.

You mention that she's sitting at a lake, I think the reader needs more than that, we need to know why, she may feel safe but why does she? She has chosen to end her life in this place and it is only given one line? Just a little more would do.

Hope this helped,

LMJ

This was such a dark and deep piece that I just knew I needed to review it right away.

What I liked:
1. The emotion. You got deep, really deep. You went to a place that people are either consumed with or are too scared to go to. Your piece makes people feel. Great job.

2. The imagery. While no one likes to imagine the image of someone they care about, or themselves, dying your descriptions showed the pain as well as the reality of what this is about. In particular I like how you put the part about pretty pink lives, it creates a contrast from all the black you presented.

What I didn't like:

1. The flow. At times is was a bit off. The longer lines were what I think caused that. You managed to get such strong emotion out in the shorter lines that the ones that were longer kind of muddled it for me.

Overall:
Powerful, and realistic. You managed to put words to what many people struggle with. If you yourself are dealing with it, I hope it gets better for you. I can't say it will cause frankly I struggle with it, but I pray it will for everyone else. Great job and keep writing. I loved it!

SO when I look at poetry often derived from pain I look at the personal experience to see if it is real. It does not seem real, it seems like you were trying to make a captivating poem, a poem that was not accounting for accurate events and experience in your own life. Your going to get a lot of people that will tell you not to ever fall into the cliché of suicide and other things because it is contemptuous unless it is truly demonstrated that it is meant through personal experience. Your dancing on thin line here, and I don’t believe you know the rules of poetry to break them just yet.

Here is the problem; the idea of blood pouring down veins, life having no meaning is a saturated idea that is plagued with extreme formalities. That makes it very unoriginal and frankly it makes it distasteful. But sorry, this poem had very good detail and marks your potential as a writer. And even though I write such a review I hope you enjoy writing it. This review is to try and push you in the right direction to write better but where you go is up to you. I like you as a writer but I wish you would tell us YOUR story and not rewrite a story made by so many individuals.

Thanks, and I hope you do good things with your next poems.

ImHero

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Hey valkyrie17!!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem, by the way, welcome to young writers society!Its sort of a functional dysfunctional family (that's how I see it anyway).

Anyway, to the reviewing.

I'm not sure if you pressed short story by accident because I see it more as a poem?
I did like this piece, it was nicely written, and quite morbid.
I think if you took the cans out of I can feel no happiness, I can feel no pain' it would add more effect.
I don't think I can see any punctuation or grammar problems so well done!! Hope you enjoy YWS, I'm quite new to it too and I love it!!
~keep writing

Hey Val!

Doing a quick review of your first entry, beware!

Alright, I'm not sure if you tagged this wrong or if its actually a short story. This seems like a poem to me. Might just be a quick error you did.

Anyhow, the piece itself is quite well written. You write descriptions very well and you give a lot of life to a little scene.

However, I feel there is a bit too much padding. There are several places where you could remove some text and it would add even more of an impact. I'll give an example:

I can feel no happiness.

I can feel no pain.

Does that mean I am soulless?

Does that mean I am dead?

It oozes out like starburst, but is a deep red colour of cells.

There is a shining, burning light

Wow, this was super dark. It almost felt like it should have been a free verse poem because of the way you set up the lines. The idea for the story was a great one, not many people do dark pieces on this website, so I was interested and excited to see where you took it. I wish you had started with why she was killing herself instead of just her being 'Ha, I'm dead, now go on with your lives.' Give us some context as to why she feels like she needed to kill herself. Was she bullied, did her parent's abuse her, what? People don't just kill themselves, they have reasons, that to them, are sound reasons as to why their life needs to end. I fell like you tried to explain it when you talked about people going on with their pink lives, but I would like it if you could go into deeper detail. I liked the idea, and with a bit more meat on it's bones, this could be an amazing story!