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16+ Language Violence Mature Content

And the beast begins to sing (Chapter 1)

by EverythingsFine


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

"This is it."

"Are you sure? You've said that about three others"

"Positive. Jake Ferozone, aged 17..."

"Where's the date of birth to death?"

"Honestly? I don't know. The contact wasn't clear... All she said was his name and age, I asked about when he died and she didn't seem too pleased with the question so we moved on."

"Alright. So how how do you wanna go about this?"

"Just dig."

The two men buried their shovels into the dirt, slowly digging away at the earth that seemed to have been settled there for at least 50 years. The odd thing about it is that the soil was dry, the rest of the grounds were drenched from the heavy downpour that had been going for the past two days, but this small section of the ground was as if it had been in the sun for days. No trees hung over it, in-fact it was probably the most open part of the graveyard.

Ucanlas Cemetery. One entrance. One exit. Never visited, it was the home of the forgotten. If you were to ask around you'd hear that no-one had someone buried here, which is irregular as there must be about 50 graves here, and the town it's centered in is fairly small. With no other graveyards around until the next town, which is twenty miles by foot; so it is rather questionable that no-one wants to confess to having someone resting here, and yet it looks as if there is someone who looks after it, as it's nicer than any other graveyard you would come across... The entrance gate was a glistening white, with two stone gargoyles either end of it in pristine condition. Trees circled around the entire graveyard, with smaller hedges finding their own ways around. Headstones standing 4ft from one another, all the same; white, straight edges and a curved top. The only headstone that was somewhat different was Jake Ferozone's which appeared to have a snake entwined against itself, wrapping around the entire stone. There was a single path from the entrance to the back of the area, meaning you have to walk on the grass most of the time. There wasn't really much to look at, it was beautiful and spooky at the same time.

The two men silently digging away didn't seem to live here. Earlier on in the day the two were asking around the entire town where this graveyard was, even though it was right in front of them, of course no-one wanted to tell them, the average person would assume they were somewhat scared to acknowledge its existence They walk with space between them suggesting they don't really know one another, as if they're just two mean on a job. There isn't anything special or remarkable about these two, they're nothing more than the petty crook, one has a scar down his face, the other looking like he has just escaped from prison, but no-one was to know for sure.

Some time had passed before they heard the thud as metal found wood. The man with the scar running down his face threw his shovel to the side and jumped into the hole, landing on a coffin with a louder thud. Obviously this wood was pretty strong as it took the full impact of this man with muscles popping out of the shirt that looks to tight for him.

"Can't wait to get this over with, this place is giving me the creeps."

The other man passed down a crowbar, and he hooked it into the head of the coffin then pulled down. They heard a crack and knew the coffin was open, he threw the crowbar back up just missing the other man by centimeters and slowly opened the coffin.

The sight baffled the two men. This boy was fresh, looking as if he had died the same day, and buried the same hour. He was in perfect condition, his hair dark brown; which could be confused with black neatly sitting there, with his fringe just reaching his right eye, giving him a sort of side fringe. He was wearing dark skinny jeans and a slim fit V neck shirt; not the common buried mans apparel.

"How we gonna lift him?" The man standing over heard of the grave asked.

"We'll just pick him up and take him to the truck"

As this scarred man crouched down to grab the boy he heard another thud. He tilted his head upwards to see the other man was gone. But that's what he thought, he then noticed a pair of black boots still being worn just lying there. He stood up to see the man was lying on the floor shock filling his face. He climbed out of the grave and moved over to the mans neck. He saw two thick red lines wrapping around one another, the man had been strangled, except not by a pair of hands. Taking a second look at the markings he realised they looked a lot similar to the marking a snake left around his shoulder seven years ago, from this thought he looked back at the headstone to see that the snake marked on it gone.

"That's impossible" He thought to himself.

He stood up and turned the direction in which he had come from. He was about to run when he felt a slow movement across his feet. He looked down to see a jet black snake staring directly at him, it's eyes beady, but yet magnificent to look at. It was wrapped around his ankles and he knew if he tried to move he would just fall. So instead he slowly crouched down, leveling himself to the snake, brought his hand to the floor searching for a rock whilst still looking at the snake, which was still just sitting there, about 10 centimeters from his face looking back at him. He hand came across a metal object and he realised he had found the crowbar, he grasped his hand around it, ready to smack the snake with it, but the second his fingers met his thumb the snake launched its head at the man, sinking its teeth into his right eye. He screamed out in pain, but no-one was around to hear, the snake brought it's head back then launched itself for his other eye. It then repeated this for another 15 seconds, then finally sunk its teeth into the mans throat, ripping out the flesh and killing him.

The snake slithered towards to grave, found its way to the boy lying there and wrapped itself around his left wrist, entwining itself, then freezing in position... If anyone were to look at this wrist they would think the snake would be a sort of tattoo.

If anyone were stood right next to the boy at this point they may have noticed his right eye twitching. A few moments later his bright blue eyes opened.


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9 Reviews


Points: 254
Reviews: 9

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Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:59 pm
PatrickGibb wrote a review...



I thought this was incredible.
Primarily, the description of the cemetery. As a reader who enjoys having clear pictures in my mind of the situation, I was in awe of how well I envisioned this setting.
The beginning was well written, with the dialogue, as it wasn't given any background or setting and my mind instantly thought 'I'd have to read to know what's going on'. Gloriously done.
The end was brilliantly violent, very well described, although for some reason I thought it was slightly unfair that one of the men died in a spectacularly violent way while the other died quietly. Maybe a bit more blood-shed to the first victim would be appropriate, but maybe that's just me.
Looking forward to the next chapter.




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56 Reviews


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Reviews: 56

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Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:32 am
AmethystNight wrote a review...



Firstly, I love that you haven't given speakers for the speech at the beginning - it really creates an air of mystery. I also like how you concentrate on describing the graveyard, giving a lot of backstory to the scene. The imagery created in the snake attack is very effective - I actually grimaced while reading it. It's a great start to your story and really gives a sense of what to expect - I'm guessing this won't be the last time someone's attacked in such a vicious way. A brilliant start I look forward to seeing it progress.
"50 years" - This was a bit of a pet hate of my English teacher so I'm a little bit picky about it. With smaller numbers it's better practice to write out the word. You should only really use the actual number longer numbers.
"in-fact" - This doesn't need a hyphen. It's two words.
"...and the town it's centered in is fairly small. With no other graveyards around until the next town, which is twenty miles by foot;" - Here, the second sentence isn't a sentence. You could either replace the full stop with a comma, "fairly small, with no..." or change it to "There are no other graveyards around..." or there are probably some other ways. These would make better sense.
"There wasn't really much to look at, it was beautiful and spooky at the same time." - A comma doesn't work here. Instead you could use a semicolon or a hyphen.
"it's eyes beady, but yet magnificent to look at" - Here you either need but or yet, not both. If I were you I'd stick with yet because it just seems to fit in the sentence best.
Mainly you just need to proof read to get rid of the few typos and check your comma use.
Like I said, this is a great start and I hope you write more.




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45 Reviews


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Reviews: 45

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Wed Jul 17, 2013 6:40 am
tronks wrote a review...



"Are you sure? You've said that about three others"
just missing the end mark

Ucanlas Cemetery. One entrance. One exit. Never visited, it was the home of the forgotten. If you were to ask around you'd hear that no-one had someone buried here, which is irregular as there must be about 50 graves here, and the town it's centered in is fairly small. With no other graveyards around until the next town, which is twenty miles by foot; so it is rather questionable that no-one wants to confess to having someone resting here, and yet it looks as if there is someone who looks after it, as it's nicer than any other graveyard you would come across...

I feel like this whole bit is telling. I loved the description afterwards though--maybe you should open with the description of the cemetery first?

"Can't wait to get this over with, this place is giving me the creeps." might read better like "Can't wait to get this over with? This place is giving me the creeps."

"We'll just pick him up and take him to the truck" Just missing a period here

"That's impossible" He thought to himself. I think the he should be lowercase, and your period here is missing.

But I thought the story was pretty exciting and thrilling, and it kept me interested and pulled in. It was pretty cool/creepy too.

If anyone were stood right next to the boy at this point they may have noticed his right eye twitching. Just one more thing, this bit. Change it up a bit just slightly...
If anyone were standing right next to the boy at this point they may have noticed his right eye twitching.





Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman